Awaiting the call that will finally give me truth and closure

[Think About It...]

I agree that they hone in on people with sensitive and caring hearts.  This makes it worse.  The bigger your heart, the bigger the heartbreak.  I said to my BPD husband, through tears during one of our "arguments",  "You took advantage of the fact that I loved you..."

So, what to do?  I certainly want to heal myself enough that I don't find myself in another relationship like this.  I don't want to be cold or closed hearted, but I don't want to be a victim or sucked in again.  Lots of therapy on the horizon.  Imagine a mutually loving caring adult relationship without the abuse.  I have never had that and I am 43.  I would like to experience that in this lifetime.

Sorry,  got off on a tangent...

[kleen66]

I agree that they hone in on people with sensitive and caring hearts.  This makes it worse.  The bigger your heart, the bigger the heartbreak.  I said to my BPD husband, through tears during one of our "arguments",  "You took advantage of the fact that I loved you..."

So, what to do?  I certainly want to heal myself enough that I don't find myself in another relationship like this.  I don't want to be cold or closed hearted, but I don't want to be a victim or sucked in again.  Lots of therapy on the horizon.  Imagine a mutually loving caring adult relationship without the abuse.  I have never had that and I am 43.  I would like to experience that in this lifetime.

Sorry,  got off on a tangent...

[kleen66]

I agree that they hone in on people with sensitive and caring hearts.  This makes it worse.  The bigger your heart, the bigger the heartbreak.  I said to my BPD husband, through tears during one of our "arguments",  "You took advantage of the fact that I loved you..."

So, what to do?  I certainly want to heal myself enough that I don't find myself in another relationship like this.  I don't want to be cold or closed hearted, but I don't want to be a victim or sucked in again.  Lots of therapy on the horizon.  Imagine a mutually loving caring adult relationship without the abuse.  I have never had that and I am 43.  I would like to experience that in this lifetime.

Sorry,  got off on a tangent...

[brenbabe]

Im 47 and have never had that either. I had two long marraiges with people that I think were BPD. then after being alone for 4 years , I met the boyfriend I speak of in my posts. I have been in therapy on and off for years and years. the last 3 years regularly and still going. I am so scared to get involved with another. A few weeks ago I had a dinner party at my house , a friend of mine invited a single friend she was trying to fix me up with. At the end of the party when almost everyone was gone, he sat with me and talked, telling me all about his terrible relationship with his mom and dad, and all his aches and pains and how he hates his life.  then he says I need someone to " take care of me". RED FLAG RED FLAG  !

[kleen66]

Bren,

Yeah I've been in therapy so much I could buy a new house with what I have payed. 

About the dinner party guy...YIKESred-flag
At least you saw it.  Hey, that's progress, right.

Sending you hugs and support from afar.  Someday we will both have the healthy relationship that we deserve and we will love and be loved back.

Love,
-K

ps sorry about the double post before, don't know what happened.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Bdawn]

they hone in on people with sensitive and caring hearts

Well that's a nice way to put it, but my ex actually said to me on more than one occassion that he has a habit of going after weak women. It made me sick to hear that the reason he became attracted to me was because he viewed me as weak. It also made me sick because I think it's true. I was in a terribly vulnerable position when we first met. Recently out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic that had left me starving for love and affection, struggling financially, trying to support both myself and my son on a low paying job. Yep I was ripe for the picking. Exbp came along and put me on pedestal, adored and idealized me and I fell for it completely.

[brenbabe]

I am vulnerable and recently someone has asked me to enter into a relationship with them. Its all to quick, this person knows what has just happend with my BPD ex. This new one keeps sending me flowers gifts ect. I am really thinking he is trying to play on my being vulnerable.

[Bdawn]

I am vulnerable and recently someone has asked me to enter into a relationship with them. Its all to quick, this person knows what has just happend with my BPD ex. This new one keeps sending me flowers gifts ect. I am really thinking he is trying to play on my being vulnerable.

Yes, you are right to be wary of this. He might just be a nice guy, but he should know that you need time to heal and recover before you are ready to get involved again. Most people who are strong and secure within themselves don't want to get romantically involved with someone who is not completely over thier last relationship.

[brenbabe]

Bdawn,

This one worries me he seems to get angry if he doesnt get his way, will start belittling me if I dont do what he wants. I have ceased talking with him as of today.

[kleen66]

Scary, 6


Run the other way fast.

It sounds like that is what you are doing.Good!

You need time to heal yourself and the fact that this man is being abusive to you before there is really even a relationship is scary. 

Take care of BRen, let him take care of himself. x
-K

[muddychicken]

I am vulnerable and recently someone has asked me to enter into a relationship with them. Its all to quick, this person knows what has just happend with my BPD ex. This new one keeps sending me flowers gifts ect. I am really thinking he is trying to play on my being vulnerable.

Yes, you are right to be wary of this. He might just be a nice guy, but he should know that you need time to heal and recover before you are ready to get involved again. Most people who are strong and secure within themselves don't want to get romantically involved with someone who is not completely over thier last relationship.

Support...

[Bdawn]

Bdawn,

This one worries me he seems to get angry if he doesnt get his way, will start belittling me if I dont do what he wants. I have ceased talking with him as of today.

Glad to hear you have quit talking to him, he sounds like a jerk. Be sensitive to your own feelings and don't let anyone get close to you if they don't have your best interests at heart.

[T2H]

my ex told me when I initally met him " I love your tender heart"

In the same way a zombie would say he loves your brain(s)? 

[sorry a little late to this - but hoping some (attempted) humor will cheer ya up]

[BillP]

Ill paint him black as night with not a star to guide him , snicker    .


You cant get much more hurt then someone being so tender and telling you that you are the one, the love of theyre life. then they walk out on you without a word or a reason for three years being gone. Then return without even an im sorry or any explanation expecting you to just say " welcome back in my life" . Which I did.  Then they say to you " take care of me". Which I did also.  and then they rage at you. OMG sometimes I think I am nuttier then him.  Reality is really creeping up on me fast, and thats exactly what I needed, no more of this romeo and juliette crap. Maybe they had some kind of disorder too.


Stay tuned ...

I wish you all the best, and I hope that you get the closure you need. For me, I will not get the closure I need, but that's okay. I'm fine with that. I do fear that, like in your situation, after a great length of time, my exBPDg/f tries to get back into my life. Yikes!

[ArtistGuy70]

Much support to you. Big hugs.

Sadly, we won't get that closure. I read someplace that closure means ego death to the borderline. They would have to accept their failings and feel remorse, empathy for us in a meaningful, non selfish way. They won't accept fault and admit to themselves (or us) what really transpired. Sad for us.

[brenbabe]

Your right, I didnt really get closure. I did get the truth that I was with a sadistic person . Im still somewhat of a mess, maybe even more so then before . I have good days and then bad days. Its all up and down right now.