April 24, 2014, 03:08:08 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Today's Feature: WORKSHOP: Do you know the art of WiseMind?  Learn more
Moderators: DreamGirl, P.F.Change, Rapt Reader
Advisors: an0ught, heartandwhole, livednlearned, pessim-optimist, Surnia, Waverider, winston72
Ambassadors: crumblingdad, DreamFlyer99, growing_wings, Kwamina, learning_curve74, maxsterling, maxen, Mutt, peaceplease, scallops, Turkish
Guidelines: Terms of Service, Abbreviations
  Home Blog   Boards   Help Login Register  
What is this?
Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Has anyone had their BPD initiate divorce and been able to reconcile b4 2late  (Read 1784 times)
3rdID
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 185


« on: November 05, 2010, 03:46:47 PM »

I have posted extensively my situation on the Undecided Board. I want to save this 17 year marriage but my BPDw appears to not. Im not 100% sure she is going to follow through to divorce but we have had a first mediation meeting this past Monday. I would like to try and reconcile and Im willing to do the work. The mediator said divorce could be complete by Feb so not much time. 2 teenagers involved. BPDw would likely have to move out. Lot of conflicting signals going on. I have backed off completely other than a letter to her a few weeks ago seeking reconciliation. No groveling or begging on my part. Just a heartfelt letter about the reality of our situation. She read it and text me she has about 10 letters just like it and nothing ever changes etc etc etc. Then a rehash all my failings. So that was my last attempt to try and bring her out of this and towards reconciling. I have completely backed off since.

In the mediation meeting I was very firm but respectful what my expectations were. She cried in the meeting. The financials were not what she expected. A few days later she wants to get into it with me and says I was a bully in the mediation meeting and how could I not want her to have a decent place to live in (our home which she wont be able to afford also no equity) and how I never provided for her during marriage (provided nice home, best clothes, new cars, vacations abroad, fur coats, jewelry, nice restaurants, their for my kids always etc etc  and yes love). Then she says if their was an inch of a chance she was staying in the marriage I blew it at the mediation meeting. So my head is spinning again.

So again, Im willing to do the work, but wonder if I even have a chance here? We are still in same home even sleeping in same bed although she wanted me out of the bed, I wont go and neither will she.
Thanks
3rdID



Logged
havana
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 5311



« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2010, 04:05:52 PM »

Quote
Im willing to do the work,

That's nice but what is she willing to do? Are you willing to do all of the work?


Quote
The financials were not what she expected


Do you want her back because of this? If she doesn't get enough money she will stay, if she does, she's gone?
Logged

Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
3rdID
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 185


« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2010, 04:12:46 PM »

Quote
Im willing to do the work,

That's nice but what is she willing to do? Are you willing to do all of the work?


Quote
The financials were not what she expected


Do you want her back because of this? If she doesn't get enough money she will stay, if she does, she's gone?

Well for now I will have to do all the work until and if she comes around to wanting to try. As for the financials I have been thinking about that. No I wouldn't want to have a relationship where my wife just stayed because she cannot afford any other choice.
Logged
havana
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 5311



« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2010, 04:20:22 PM »

Quote
I will have to do all the work until and if she comes around to wanting to try.


Why not wait & see if she comes around first?
Logged

Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
3rdID
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 185


« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2010, 04:30:39 PM »


Why not wait & see if she comes around first?
[/quote]

Ok, but what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Should I continue to just be cool and distant? I have been going out with friends somewhat, but I primarily stick around for the kids. She is not home mostly. She does work part time but I no longer really know the days nor the hours as she no longer puts on calendar. She will text me to let me know what she is doing for the most part but she is generally not home much of the time.
Logged
havana
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 5311



« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2010, 04:36:15 PM »

It must be terribly uncomfortable still living together but you are going to have to go about your daily routine. See if she makes any effort.
Logged

Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
macarroni
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 56



« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2010, 04:43:51 PM »

I can indentify with your situation and I hate to be a debbie downer, but unless she is willing to get help with you and is going to admit she made mistakes, she probably is not prepared to reconcile. I know how hard it is to go through this, and unfortunately because you are prepared and willing to reconcile with the issues going on, does not mean she really wants to.

Ask yourself these questions:
"how is it healthy for me to be in this relationship?"
"what do I get out of it?"
"Is the other person going to realistically change?"
Logged

"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well." -Alfred Adler.
dados76
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2988

Think outside the box.


WWW
« Reply #7 on: November 05, 2010, 05:12:00 PM »

i think.. it might be helpful to look at.. stuff you want from the relationship.. where your boundaries are.. theres not really anything you can do to change somebody else if they dont want change.. no matter how hard that sucks sometimes.. and sometimes it REALLY does..

what are you willing to live with in this rs? what cant you live with?

is your wife able to give you reasons she wants divorce or to talk calmer about it at all? if she is.. working on validating some concerns can be helpful to.. understand where shes coming from and what she wants.. but that doesnt mean to stick around for any kind of bad treatment either..

what do your kids think.. about possible seperation?
Logged

3rdID
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 185


« Reply #8 on: November 05, 2010, 05:17:00 PM »

It must be terribly uncomfortable still living together but you are going to have to go about your daily routine. See if she makes any effort.

Well its a lonely feeling. Very uncertain feeling. She text just now and wants to know whats going on for dinner. She kind of acts like business as usual. Still needing me to do things. Wanted windows cleaned in house by window washing company. That was done today. I came home and was here for the workers when they came. This is the kind of thing I find conflicting. Why is she concerned about the windows being cleaned if she's divorcing and leaving the home?
Logged
3rdID
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 185


« Reply #9 on: November 05, 2010, 05:26:26 PM »

is your wife able to give you reasons she wants divorce or to talk calmer about it at all? if she is.. working on validating some concerns can be helpful to.. understand where shes coming from and what she wants.. but that doesnt mean to stick around for any kind of bad treatment either..

what do your kids think.. about possible seperation?

She wants divorce because I never made any changes. All she keeps saying. I know I made plenty. I know some fell to the wayside. I know she didnt keep to hers as well. Then I ask her to see list she says she has of all the changes I was supposed to make, she says just forget it. I have a list to so I wanted to see what she is referring to. She wont elaborate on it other than I never made her feel one with me particularly in finances. I badger her about her Facebook activity which has gotten out of hand entirely and I get annoyed at the non stop texting she does when we are supposed to be out together on a date.

My son tells her to get out. She has much conflict with him. Very difficult for me to reign him in. My daughter has had conflict as well but she has been trying to bridge that since she decided she wants a divorce. The kids view her as never being around for them. It all went down hill when she took PT job and works with a lot of divorced and single women. Many of her friends in this category. She is 50 and I am 43. Its like a midlife crises and menopause and NPD/BPD all together.
Logged
dados76
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2988

Think outside the box.


WWW
« Reply #10 on: November 05, 2010, 11:36:42 PM »

how are the lists working out so far?

did you have a chance to read thru some of the tools on the right here?

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206#msg913190

kind of sounds like shes not.. feeling like shes getting heard.. validation is a good tool for that.. boundaries.. for both of you might help too
Logged

Auspicious
Distinguished Member
Emeritus
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 8437



« Reply #11 on: November 06, 2010, 06:02:47 AM »

 x

Have you read the Lessons yet? I'm sure given the crisis, it feels like you don't have time to read anything, but look at it this way - in any other crisis (e.g. cancer) information gathering would be very much in order, right?


Nobody can tell you if your wife will change her mind, what the chances are, etc.  We can only relate our own experiences.

We have kids ... my wife ran off to another city (and went in and out of the psych hospital there). She wanted divorce. At my lowest point, I sent her a heartfelt letter, promising to make this and that better, she basically stomped on the letter, etc.

Nothing changed for the better for me until I was able to come to some acceptance - OK, I guess you want to divorce. It's not what I want, but so be it.

Once I stopped chasing, she stopped running so fast ... and yes, once the lawyers started talking about what would happen, it didn't seem nearly so attractive to her, true. But even more importantly, I think, is that the threat of divorce lost it's emotional power over me. You could almost hear it in her voice - "hey, wait a minute, you're supposed to be frantically trying to stop me. What the?"

Anyway, we legally reconciled, we're still together, several years later (one could argue sometimes whether that's a good thing, but there it is  cool).
Logged

Have you read the Lessons?

firmnfaith
NEWBIE
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7


« Reply #12 on: November 06, 2010, 07:08:45 AM »

  I had a similar situation recently. My BPDh wanted divorce, contacted lawyer. I didn't Know about the "tools" at that time but (by the grace of God) somehow kept my cool and went on with life as usual as best I could. We were living in the same house in different rooms (still are by his choice). When he decided we needed to try to reconcile, He initiated the list of "wrongs" and due to my inexperience I was desperately trying to "fix" everything. Recently I stopped trying to live up to his list and started validating and setting boundaries with the help of some useful info from this site. Life is improving he still blames me for our rs issues (even though he wanted to leave to be with an ex-wife). I am still searching for as much info as possible to help me deal, and see T when needed. He has so far not rec'd any tx. and is not aware of his core issue.
 Hope this helps, It is not an easy road nor is it mapped out to a particular destination. For now for me there is hope. Kids are involved in my situation also but they are too young to understand much; d2 and s7.
 Hang in there. You have others supporting you no matter what you decide. x
Logged
3rdID
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 185


« Reply #13 on: November 06, 2010, 09:12:21 AM »

Hi all. Thanks for the replies. Yes, I'm busy reading all the material here. Yeah, I stopped chasing my wife pretty much weeks ago. Briefly tried to get her to back off divorce and work at reconciling after blow up in late Sept. She was not willing at that time anyway. I went out last night. She still up when I got home at 1:30am doing her nails (again). She seemed irritated I think that I went out. Anyway, Im reading everything I can here. The real challenge will be putting it into practice. Im usually pretty defensive when attacked and I usually will go on the offensive if she provokes me to it. I hate that being pushed and pushed till you just blow up (verbally that is). This has not worked well for me
Logged
dados76
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2988

Think outside the box.


WWW
« Reply #14 on: November 06, 2010, 12:18:22 PM »

taking a physical break.. leaving the room/house when she pushes at you.. might be really helpful.. i have the same kind of response to being pushed at.. and its usually real quick wink my partner isnt the only one with a short fuse sometimes.. as soon as something starts up.. i head out for an hour or so for us both to cool down.. and then try and talk abt whatever it was.. if we aint cool.. repeat as needed.. but its better for both of us.. than staying and fighting w/each other..
Logged

3rdID
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 185


« Reply #15 on: November 06, 2010, 12:55:24 PM »

I find it very difficult to have a normal conversation with my wife. I cannot really ever discuss my problems with her, because then I'm just "complaining". I cannot discuss my work or any successes I'm having because then I'm "bragging". But there have been times where she has text me and asks If I'm having good business today and if I say yes, she will say good because I prayed God would provide business today for you. Generally, if it concerns discussing a conflict with us in any way she immediately gets louder, the tone of voice goes up and its like a machine gun firing at you. I really cannot get a word in edgewise and everything is my fault. Non stop blaming and needling. This has subsided in the last few 4 weeks when she determined she was done with the marriage.

So our communication is minimal at this point only pertaining to kids and stuff going on at the home. If something happens that causes a conflict and this is usually something where my s16 is disrespectful to her, if she feels I dont handle him as she would like, she immediately will bring up the mediation meetings and when is my schedule open or she will say something to the affect how happy she is to be getting out of this marriage. It's very difficult dealing with the conflict she has with my son. He is disrespectful at times and its's usually because she is talking to him like she is a child herself and not a mother. I will intervene and tell him to apologize and that he is being disrespectful, but he is uncooperative. He is very angry at her. He is in counceling as well. After she has provoked him enough, he will get angry and tell my wife to just get out and she will say why dont you get the F... out? Then it all becomes my fault and my son is the way he is because its my fault. Then she is off to the races with the divorce issue. One thing the Bible says is to be careful to not provoke your children to anger. Yes, they need discipline and need to be respectful, but what happens here in my home is not a normal parent/child relationship with my wife and kids.
Logged
bluebond6
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 67



« Reply #16 on: November 12, 2010, 04:28:48 PM »

Hi 3rdID!
Once again I see some parallels between our situations.  My wife loves conversation with other intelligent men, but when I try do discuss anything she either leaves or complains about whatever I am interested in talking about.  If I talk about work she says I am complaining (or bragging) and need to leave it at the office.  Then she will subject me to hours of monologue about her degree and talks without any room for debate at all.  She speaks in absolutes and implies that any other opinion is simply stupid and wrong, so there is no discussion with me.  This is reserved for other men whose interest she is trying to win.

We are having marital issues posted here and there on this board.  Trying hard to have an earnest discussion about making things better, I went so far as to write down a list of things she said I could do to improve myself from her perspective. She eventually said something racist to get a reaction out of me, scoffed at my reaction, grabbed the list, crumpled it up, lit it on fire with her lighter, threw it down and stomped on it!  She has finally graduated with a BS and gives me no credit for helping her study or for paying bills since after 5.5 years of school she has $32K in student loans. I have earned and spent ten times that during this time which is apparently nothing to her.  I have made payments for her on not one but two new cars (one after the other) during this time while I drive an old rust bucket I inherited from my Mom when she died a few years back.  I must be stupid to be willing to put up with this treatment.
Logged
Auspicious
Distinguished Member
Emeritus
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 8437



« Reply #17 on: November 13, 2010, 05:54:17 AM »

I must be stupid to be willing to put up with this treatment.

Not stupid ... but it does sound codependent.

Doing and doing and doing for someone else in the hopes of reward or "credit" is a source of exhaustion and disappointment. And it isn't as selfless as we want it to appear (even to ourselves).

Codependency is a sort of dysfunctional stew ... on the one hand, we're actually trying to "earn" love: "you're so messed up, look at all I do for you, you owe me your love!" On the other hand, we quickly learn from experience that it doesn't really work ... so we "get to" be the wronged, innocent, "saint".
Logged

Have you read the Lessons?

bluebond6
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 67



« Reply #18 on: November 15, 2010, 05:12:43 AM »

That last post from Auspicious is a useful observation which has me thinking.

There is another side to it where the opposite is happening in the CoDep dynamic. On the one hand we may be trying to 'earn' love through our actions and making ourselves out to be 'saint' when it undoubtedly fails again, but on the other hand we did not deserve to be shunned in the first place. We are put into a position where we feel rejected and disrespected which requires us to start into the 'earning' behavior. The BPD other half has already tipped the scales by setting up a scene where we are motivated to act this way.  This is a hard cycle to break.
 
Logged
Auspicious
Distinguished Member
Emeritus
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 8437



« Reply #19 on: November 15, 2010, 05:29:07 AM »

We are put into a position where we feel rejected and disrespected which requires us to start into the 'earning' behavior. The BPD other half has already tipped the scales by setting up a scene where we are motivated to act this way. 

This is a good point.

Nobody is saying that the BPD-driven behavior is good or right, or anything but messed up.

The concept of codependency, after all, first involved spouses of alcoholics.
There is definitely a messed up situation and behavior that we are presented with.

The point is, though, that the part we have any control over is ours. We can't control theirs.

Something about their messed up behavior "plugs into" us. After the initial shock, if we keep dancing there must be some reason for it. Their bad behavior couldn't plug into us if there were nothing to plug into.


This is a hard cycle to break.

It sure is! No doubt about that.
Logged

Have you read the Lessons?

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.10 | SMF © 2006-2010, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!