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Author Topic: Has anyone had their BPD initiate divorce and been able to reconcile b4 2late  (Read 2483 times)
3rdID
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« on: November 05, 2010, 03:46:47 PM »

I have posted extensively my situation on the Undecided Board. I want to save this 17 year marriage but my BPDw appears to not. Im not 100% sure she is going to follow through to divorce but we have had a first mediation meeting this past Monday. I would like to try and reconcile and Im willing to do the work. The mediator said divorce could be complete by Feb so not much time. 2 teenagers involved. BPDw would likely have to move out. Lot of conflicting signals going on. I have backed off completely other than a letter to her a few weeks ago seeking reconciliation. No groveling or begging on my part. Just a heartfelt letter about the reality of our situation. She read it and text me she has about 10 letters just like it and nothing ever changes etc etc etc. Then a rehash all my failings. So that was my last attempt to try and bring her out of this and towards reconciling. I have completely backed off since.

In the mediation meeting I was very firm but respectful what my expectations were. She cried in the meeting. The financials were not what she expected. A few days later she wants to get into it with me and says I was a bully in the mediation meeting and how could I not want her to have a decent place to live in (our home which she wont be able to afford also no equity) and how I never provided for her during marriage (provided nice home, best clothes, new cars, vacations abroad, fur coats, jewelry, nice restaurants, their for my kids always etc etc  and yes love). Then she says if their was an inch of a chance she was staying in the marriage I blew it at the mediation meeting. So my head is spinning again.

So again, Im willing to do the work, but wonder if I even have a chance here? We are still in same home even sleeping in same bed although she wanted me out of the bed, I wont go and neither will she.
Thanks
3rdID



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havana
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« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2010, 04:05:52 PM »

Quote
Im willing to do the work,

That's nice but what is she willing to do? Are you willing to do all of the work?


Quote
The financials were not what she expected


Do you want her back because of this? If she doesn't get enough money she will stay, if she does, she's gone?
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Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
3rdID
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« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2010, 04:12:46 PM »

Quote
Im willing to do the work,

That's nice but what is she willing to do? Are you willing to do all of the work?


Quote
The financials were not what she expected


Do you want her back because of this? If she doesn't get enough money she will stay, if she does, she's gone?

Well for now I will have to do all the work until and if she comes around to wanting to try. As for the financials I have been thinking about that. No I wouldn't want to have a relationship where my wife just stayed because she cannot afford any other choice.
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havana
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« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2010, 04:20:22 PM »

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I will have to do all the work until and if she comes around to wanting to try.


Why not wait & see if she comes around first?
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Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
3rdID
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« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2010, 04:30:39 PM »


Why not wait & see if she comes around first?
[/quote]

Ok, but what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Should I continue to just be cool and distant? I have been going out with friends somewhat, but I primarily stick around for the kids. She is not home mostly. She does work part time but I no longer really know the days nor the hours as she no longer puts on calendar. She will text me to let me know what she is doing for the most part but she is generally not home much of the time.
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havana
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« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2010, 04:36:15 PM »

It must be terribly uncomfortable still living together but you are going to have to go about your daily routine. See if she makes any effort.
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Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
macarroni
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« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2010, 04:43:51 PM »

I can indentify with your situation and I hate to be a debbie downer, but unless she is willing to get help with you and is going to admit she made mistakes, she probably is not prepared to reconcile. I know how hard it is to go through this, and unfortunately because you are prepared and willing to reconcile with the issues going on, does not mean she really wants to.

Ask yourself these questions:
"how is it healthy for me to be in this relationship?"
"what do I get out of it?"
"Is the other person going to realistically change?"
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dados76
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Think outside the box.


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« Reply #7 on: November 05, 2010, 05:12:00 PM »

i think.. it might be helpful to look at.. stuff you want from the relationship.. where your boundaries are.. theres not really anything you can do to change somebody else if they dont want change.. no matter how hard that sucks sometimes.. and sometimes it REALLY does..

what are you willing to live with in this rs? what cant you live with?

is your wife able to give you reasons she wants divorce or to talk calmer about it at all? if she is.. working on validating some concerns can be helpful to.. understand where shes coming from and what she wants.. but that doesnt mean to stick around for any kind of bad treatment either..

what do your kids think.. about possible seperation?
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3rdID
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« Reply #8 on: November 05, 2010, 05:17:00 PM »

It must be terribly uncomfortable still living together but you are going to have to go about your daily routine. See if she makes any effort.

Well its a lonely feeling. Very uncertain feeling. She text just now and wants to know whats going on for dinner. She kind of acts like business as usual. Still needing me to do things. Wanted windows cleaned in house by window washing company. That was done today. I came home and was here for the workers when they came. This is the kind of thing I find conflicting. Why is she concerned about the windows being cleaned if she's divorcing and leaving the home?
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3rdID
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« Reply #9 on: November 05, 2010, 05:26:26 PM »

is your wife able to give you reasons she wants divorce or to talk calmer about it at all? if she is.. working on validating some concerns can be helpful to.. understand where shes coming from and what she wants.. but that doesnt mean to stick around for any kind of bad treatment either..

what do your kids think.. about possible seperation?

She wants divorce because I never made any changes. All she keeps saying. I know I made plenty. I know some fell to the wayside. I know she didnt keep to hers as well. Then I ask her to see list she says she has of all the changes I was supposed to make, she says just forget it. I have a list to so I wanted to see what she is referring to. She wont elaborate on it other than I never made her feel one with me particularly in finances. I badger her about her Facebook activity which has gotten out of hand entirely and I get annoyed at the non stop texting she does when we are supposed to be out together on a date.

My son tells her to get out. She has much conflict with him. Very difficult for me to reign him in. My daughter has had conflict as well but she has been trying to bridge that since she decided she wants a divorce. The kids view her as never being around for them. It all went down hill when she took PT job and works with a lot of divorced and single women. Many of her friends in this category. She is 50 and I am 43. Its like a midlife crises and menopause and NPD/BPD all together.
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