Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 26, 2016, 08:48:03 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Moderators: Kwamina, lbjnltx, livednlearned, once removed
Member support team: eeks, C.Stein, fromheeltoheal, Turkish, Woolspinner2000
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Please Donate Login Register  
VIDEO: Could it be Borderline Personality Disorder? 17 million people in the US are affected by Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD traits.This is a disorder of extreme fear of rejection and limited executive function. People suffering with these traits of this disorder often have a lifetime of unstable relationships. This video describes the disorder in detail.
201
Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Has anyone had their BPD initiate divorce and been able to reconcile b4 2late  (Read 5387 times)
3rdID
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 185


« on: November 05, 2010, 03:46:47 PM »

I have posted extensively my situation on the Undecided Board. I want to save this 17 year marriage but my BPDw appears to not. Im not 100% sure she is going to follow through to divorce but we have had a first mediation meeting this past Monday. I would like to try and reconcile and Im willing to do the work. The mediator said divorce could be complete by Feb so not much time. 2 teenagers involved. BPDw would likely have to move out. Lot of conflicting signals going on. I have backed off completely other than a letter to her a few weeks ago seeking reconciliation. No groveling or begging on my part. Just a heartfelt letter about the reality of our situation. She read it and text me she has about 10 letters just like it and nothing ever changes etc etc etc. Then a rehash all my failings. So that was my last attempt to try and bring her out of this and towards reconciling. I have completely backed off since.

In the mediation meeting I was very firm but respectful what my expectations were. She cried in the meeting. The financials were not what she expected. A few days later she wants to get into it with me and says I was a bully in the mediation meeting and how could I not want her to have a decent place to live in (our home which she wont be able to afford also no equity) and how I never provided for her during marriage (provided nice home, best clothes, new cars, vacations abroad, fur coats, jewelry, nice restaurants, their for my kids always etc etc  and yes love). Then she says if their was an inch of a chance she was staying in the marriage I blew it at the mediation meeting. So my head is spinning again.

So again, Im willing to do the work, but wonder if I even have a chance here? We are still in same home even sleeping in same bed although she wanted me out of the bed, I wont go and neither will she.

Thanks

3rdID



Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for discussing effective actions for solving ongoing and day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems.
This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this  group by (clicking here).
havana
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 5310



« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2010, 04:05:52 PM »

Quote
Im willing to do the work,

That's nice but what is she willing to do? Are you willing to do all of the work?


Quote
The financials were not what she expected

Do you want her back because of this? If she doesn't get enough money she will stay, if she does, she's gone?
Logged

Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
3rdID
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 185


« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2010, 04:12:46 PM »

Quote
Im willing to do the work,

That's nice but what is she willing to do? Are you willing to do all of the work?


Quote
The financials were not what she expected

Do you want her back because of this? If she doesn't get enough money she will stay, if she does, she's gone?

Well for now I will have to do all the work until and if she comes around to wanting to try. As for the financials I have been thinking about that. No I wouldn't want to have a relationship where my wife just stayed because she cannot afford any other choice.
Logged
havana
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 5310



« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2010, 04:20:22 PM »

Quote
I will have to do all the work until and if she comes around to wanting to try.

Why not wait & see if she comes around first?
Logged

Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
3rdID
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 185


« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2010, 04:30:39 PM »



Why not wait & see if she comes around first?[/quote]
Ok, but what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Should I continue to just be cool and distant? I have been going out with friends somewhat, but I primarily stick around for the kids. She is not home mostly. She does work part time but I no longer really know the days nor the hours as she no longer puts on calendar. She will text me to let me know what she is doing for the most part but she is generally not home much of the time.
Logged
havana
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 5310



« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2010, 04:36:15 PM »

It must be terribly uncomfortable still living together but you are going to have to go about your daily routine. See if she makes any effort.
Logged

Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
macarroni
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 57



« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2010, 04:43:51 PM »

I can indentify with your situation and I hate to be a debbie downer, but unless she is willing to get help with you and is going to admit she made mistakes, she probably is not prepared to reconcile. I know how hard it is to go through this, and unfortunately because you are prepared and willing to reconcile with the issues going on, does not mean she really wants to.

Ask yourself these questions:

"how is it healthy for me to be in this relationship?"

"what do I get out of it?"

"Is the other person going to realistically change?"
Logged

"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well." -Alfred Adler.
dados76
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2986

Think outside the box.


WWW
« Reply #7 on: November 05, 2010, 05:12:00 PM »

i think.. it might be helpful to look at.. stuff you want from the relationship.. where your boundaries are.. theres not really anything you can do to change somebody else if they dont want change.. no matter how hard that sucks sometimes.. and sometimes it REALLY does..

what are you willing to live with in this rs? what cant you live with?

is your wife able to give you reasons she wants divorce or to talk calmer about it at all? if she is.. working on validating some concerns can be helpful to.. understand where shes coming from and what she wants.. but that doesnt mean to stick around for any kind of bad treatment either..

what do your kids think.. about possible seperation?
Logged

3rdID
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 185


« Reply #8 on: November 05, 2010, 05:17:00 PM »

It must be terribly uncomfortable still living together but you are going to have to go about your daily routine. See if she makes any effort.

Well its a lonely feeling. Very uncertain feeling. She text just now and wants to know whats going on for dinner. She kind of acts like business as usual. Still needing me to do things. Wanted windows cleaned in house by window washing company. That was done today. I came home and was here for the workers when they came. This is the kind of thing I find conflicting. Why is she concerned about the windows being cleaned if she's divorcing and leaving the home?
Logged
3rdID
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 185


« Reply #9 on: November 05, 2010, 05:26:26 PM »

is your wife able to give you reasons she wants divorce or to talk calmer about it at all? if she is.. working on validating some concerns can be helpful to.. understand where shes coming from and what she wants.. but that doesnt mean to stick around for any kind of bad treatment either..

what do your kids think.. about possible seperation?

She wants divorce because I never made any changes. All she keeps saying. I know I made plenty. I know some fell to the wayside. I know she didnt keep to hers as well. Then I ask her to see list she says she has of all the changes I was supposed to make, she says just forget it. I have a list to so I wanted to see what she is referring to. She wont elaborate on it other than I never made her feel one with me particularly in finances. I badger her about her Facebook activity which has gotten out of hand entirely and I get annoyed at the non stop texting she does when we are supposed to be out together on a date.

My son tells her to get out. She has much conflict with him. Very difficult for me to reign him in. My daughter has had conflict as well but she has been trying to bridge that since she decided she wants a divorce. The kids view her as never being around for them. It all went down hill when she took PT job and works with a lot of divorced and single women. Many of her friends in this category. She is 50 and I am 43. Its like a midlife crises and menopause and NPD/BPD all together.
Logged
Links and Information
ARTICLES
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
5 Traits of Disorders
BPD? How can I know?
Profile: Borderline
Profile: Narcissistic
Profile: Antisocial
Treatment of BPD
Get him/her into Therapy
Series: My Child
Series: My Parent/Sibling
Series: My Significant Other
Series: My Spouse
Series: Recovering a Breakup
Series: My Failing Romance


ARTICLES ARCHIVED
Symptoms of BPD
A Clinical Perspective
Treatment of BPD
Leaving a Partner
Depression
Sexual Addiction
Healthy Relationships


FOREIGN LANGUAGE
German
BOOK REVIEWS
Endorsed Books
Other Staff Reviews
Member Reviews



TOOLS
Triggering and Wisemind
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Values and Boundaries
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools


VIDEO
What is BPD - Family
What is BPD - Romantic
What is BPD - Child
End the Cycle of Conflict
Don't Be Invalidating
Empathy Skills
Dialectal Dilemma (audio)

ABOUT US
Mission
History (Wikipedia)
Professional Endorsements
Policy and Disclaimers


MESSAGEBOARD
Top 50 Questions
Membership Eligibility
Messageboard Guidelines
Directory



Your Account
Settings

Moderation Appeal
Become a Sponsor
Sponsorship Account



OTHER
Facebook News

Google+
Google+ (Skip)
Video Blog
BPDResources.net
Helpful External Links
Domestic Violence Crisis
Suicidal Ideation


Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  



Study the thought patterns and inclinations of a BPD spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend. Learn relationship building and learn communication skills and strategies for personal growth.

Welcome
READ BEFORE POSTING
Make your first post

Take the pledge
Tell us your story

Perspective Articles
The big picture
Is it BPD?
What does it take to make it?

What is the first step?
[Basic Tools]
Wisemind
Ending Conflict
Listen with Empathy
Don't be Invalidating
Setting Boundaries

Lessons

1 Understanding your partner’s behaviors.

2 Understanding your role in the relationship.

3 Tools: communication validation, and reinforcement of good behavior.

4 Surviving  confrontation and disrespect.

5 Finding inner strength and hope.

6 When everything else fails.


Workshops
Participate Here

Frequently asked questions
... about BPD.
... about using the baord.


Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2016, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!