Could it be that if d15 leaves me first..equals less pain

[Think About It...]

     I just had a thought! Everyone keeps on talking about how people with BPD have fear of abandonment. I tried to raise my daughter up with morals and self control. What if she has done something that she knows that I would completely disapprove of and she thinks it would be easier to run from me then to tell me what she has done and in fear she thinks I would not want nothing to do with her (abandon her). She is so mean to me, like she is pushing me away so I wont want to have anything to do with her. She knows that I would do anything for her. All she has to do is ask.  ?  ?  ?

     

[agalmom]

     I just had a thought! Everyone keeps on talking about how people with BPD have fear of abandonment. I tried to raise my daughter up with morals and self control. What if she has done something that she knows that I would completely disapprove of and she thinks it would be easier to run from me then to tell me what she has done and in fear she thinks I would not want nothing to do with her (abandon her). She is so mean to me, like she is pushing me away so I wont want to have anything to do with her. She knows that I would do anything for her. All she has to do is ask.  ?  ?  ?

     

[misfit101]

I  can only speak from my own personal standpoint...like yourself, I raised my BPD24 D with morals and to be responsible. She used to be very devout (she's now an atheist). I don't believe my D has abandoned me out of fear of what I'll think about what she does. I've known for a long time about her behaviors (stealing, abusing alcohol and drugs, risky sex, etc.) for a long time now. I believe her abandonment of me stems from anger. She's mad because I won't do what she wants me to do. Which is to rescue her, and enable her. For me personally, the explanation is really that simple. She is filling her life with other people so she won't FEEL abandoned. It doens't matter what kind of people it is, just so that someone is in her life.

I believe it's actually easier for her right now b/c some of the people in her life (except for her sister) are not known to the family...they're strangers. So my D can lie, manipulate, and TRASH her family to them and they believe her. It works for her, b/c they feel sorry for her and then help her. And when they get tired of being used and abused and leave, she replaces them with someone else.

This particular dynamic can change, of course...it's just that right now, at this current point in time, this is what it is.

I can't predict whether your D will turn from you if she feels she has done something you wouldn't approve of. I'm discovering that not all Borderlines are created equal (meaning, not all alike). My D was and IS extremely mean to me as well. For the longest time, I just thought she hated me. And your D's age could have something to do with how she treats you. That's a rough age for mothers and daughters, even without BPD. This illness is so complex, and no two borderlines are alike, despite the many similarities.

Just hang in there..and I'm glad you're here.   

[llbee814]

My daughter (15) goes back and forth between wishing me dead and being very affectionate and loving.  Sometimes it seems to me like there is no rhyme or reason for the change, but mostly she seems to hate me most when she is angry with me for saying anything that makes her think about the truth (reality) vs. her version (lies.) 

[lbjnltx]

pwBPD have intense feelings of shame.  this can drive their disordered concept of self and they believe that parents are also ashamed of them...explaining w/reason and logic that we are not doesn't stop their feelings of shame.  until they begin to see themselves differently (through therapy) this will not change.

here is a link to a study on BPD/shame.:

http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/reprint/164/3/500?RESULTFORMAT=1&hits=10&FIRSTINDEX=0&SEARCHID=1&gca=ajp%3B164%2F3%2F500&FIRSTPAGE=500&TITLE=shame+and+implicit+self-concept+in+women+with+borderline+personality+disorder&

lbjnltx

[agalmom]

     I do know that my daughter is anger with me because I am not giving her what she wants. She wants to live with her Aunt, who lets her do whatever she wants. You are all making alot of sense. I guess I am still deny the thought that she may have BPD. She is not the same happy little girl that I raised. This all makes me so Sad! I miss her so much but hate being hurt by her. I have noticed that my daughter is nice when she wants something, then as soon as she gets it, she is back to being mean.  ?    ?

[lbjnltx]

dear agalmom,

this is a typical behavior pattern for adolescents w/BPD. ;p

lbjnltx

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[llbee814]

ahhh, the shame thing makes sense!  geez, it's tough trying to keep all this straight.  i have surely made the mistake of increasing her feelings of shame...lord knows i am absolutely mortified by some of the things she has done.  it's hard to realize that the choices she has made are driven by her issues.  right now she is being all affectionate and lovey-dovey.  very bittersweet as it brings back happier times, while i am bracing myself for the other shoe to drop.  plus, i am also steeling myself for the possibility that she has put something over on me (again) and i have yet to find it out.  a little stressful ;p .

[agalmom]

     I ask God what is my lesson in all this? What am I suppose to learn from all this? So far I have learned that I am just as "Lucky" as I am "Hurt". I am grateful that my husband and I are not without my other three beautiful children. I am grateful that my husband is with us and not in jail. I am grateful that even though I dislike my ex, he has choosen to take our daughter and give her a home. Even when tries" to manipulate me and contradicts everything he says, and continues to lie to me every chance he gets, I am grateful that he is there for her.  There is no "Good" ending to this horror in my life in the near future. I just hope that I can continue being "Grateful" for what I have then being so "Bitter and hurt" to what I don't have.

     I emailed my daughter to tell her she needed to take ALL pics of my children off the internet. We made an agreement awhile back ago that if I sent her pics of her sisters and brother that she would not put them online. She agreed. I have found out, even saw for my self, that she has put ALL the pics I gave her and then some of her siblings on the internet. Who knows who sees these pics. Did I do the right thing? I know she is going to be pissed, but my main concern is that my small young childrens faces are plastered on the internet for sick people to look at.

[misfit101]

Wow...yet another issue that I've had to deal with as well. My D24 did the same thing. She is the middle child, has a sister(27), a brother(21) and another brother (10). She put pictures of my 10yo son up on the internet, after my telling her that I don't want his picture on the internet. I feel the same way as you do about this issue. Her reasoning was that SHE took the pictures with her own camera, so therefore she could do what she wanted with the pictures.

My point of him being my child and my making the decisions involving his safety are mine alone fell on deaf ears. I had to threaten to shut off her phone if she didn't take them down. Her sister keeps watch for me now, since I have no access to my d's social networking sites. If the phone threat didn't work, I'd have had to try to come up with something else..but I felt so strongly about those pictures being up on the 'net like that.

[lbjnltx]

I ask God what is my lesson in all this? What am I suppose to learn from all this?

to learn on Him?  to trust Him? to develop a heart at peace and filled w/compassion? etc...?

He trusted you with His precious child you call your daughter because He believes in you.

 x

lbjnltx

[agalmom]

     My daughter has a dance recital tonight. I really want to go, but I know she doesn't want me there. She didn't invite me nor did her father let me know about the recital. He is ignoring me and will not respond to any of my emails. It will make me happy seeing her but it will break my heart if she ignores me or has me "Kicked" out. Although, I can't imagen being kicked out of a school function. With him having temporary legal custody, it wouldn't surprise me if  he does try and have me removed. Ex had me removed from the hospital, what will stop him from doing it again? The recital is about 3 hours away. What should I do?

[nonbpparent]

I must say that I totally understand your thoughts. My BPD son loves me then hates me. It can change at the drop of a hat.  He can be a very affectionate, caring person sometimes, but if I say "no" or do not give him what he wants, then I am Satan in his eyes. I will always love my BPD son, but man is it difficult sometimes.
I often think of a phrase that I told a dear friend many years ago about her handicapped daughter, not knowing that God was simply talking to me:
"God gives special children to special people" 
We may not always seem special to our BPD children, but in Gods eyes we sure are! Isn't that the most important thing?
Stay strong and continue to love your daughter.

[misfit101]

I totally understand your wanting to attend that dance recital. I understand the conundrum you're dealing with. Personally...I wouldn't go. It's a 3 hour drive, and I wouldn't risk the ex throwing me out and embarassing my D that way. If you think that's a strong possibility, that is. I can't understand why he wouldn't allow you to sit in the back, just so you could see your D dance. But some exes are just like that. If I thought I could sneak in and sit way in the back (if it were in an auditorium) and no one would see me, and I could sneak back out after she danced, then I'd go. I just wouldn't want to risk her embarassment if her father threw me out. Or the drama if SHE chose to.

How difficult this must be for you! My heart goes out to you!  x

[agalmom]

  I will have my three younger children with me, so there will be no chance of hiding  . The young ones miss her so much. But I think as much as I want to see her, I have to save myself from embarassment and hurt. When I was removed from the hospital, I could not believe it. I cried all the way home, in disbelief. It took me more than two hours to get there and my daughter "wanted" me to come. When she didn't get what she wanted she told the security officer to have me removed. I had my youngest with me (d age 11 months) so I didn't want to put up a fight. I left quitely, thinking "Can they really do this?"

   For fifteen years I didn't have to deal much with my ex. He was NEVER around. I supported my daughter 100% with out my ex. Now he is taking all this "temporary legal custody" and running with it like he is some "Hero". All I have to hold on to is "Hope". He will never try and encourage my daughter to have a relationship with me. He wants people to look at him as if he is the "DAD of the Year". That he did nothing wrong these past 15 years. Doesn't it occur to him that maybe the reason our daughter is having these issues is because he "abandoned" her not once, not twice but three times? I hate to put blame on someone, but he was never there. And now he is giving her everything she wants and then some because he knows she doesn't want me in her life. The roles have switched. She hated him for not being there for her when she was young, and now she hates me because I won't let her live with her aunt. She texts me pics of her "New" Family. Don't get me wrong, I think it is very important for a child to have a relationship with both parents. I have encouraged that from the very beginning. But what if one parent is not doing what is in the best interest of that child? What if "they" are playing the game too? I have always suspected my ex to be a sociopath. We never did marry because I no longer was going to be the victim. He is a pathological liar, manipulates, and NEVER takes responsibility for his actions. I just hope that in Family Court, Justice is Served.

P.S. I wish I had found this site sooner, but I am grateful that I am here now.  ;

[misfit101]

Well, then you've got double the dilemma if the x isn't on the same page as you are regarding your D. If it makes you feel any better, it's been my experience that whatever "hero" role your x is in right now will likely be short lived. He's GOING to do something that displeases her. It's impossible not to. And then he's going to fall from that pedestal and be on the same list that you are. Unfortunately, she's going to manipulate the two of you against each other. And he's going to make it easier for her to do so. Chances are he's got a breaking point somewhere, and eshe just hasn't hit it yet.

I don't blame you for not going to the recital. It sounds like a recipe for disaster...if not from her, then from him. I'm truly sorry about this. I know you love your D and it must be hard to miss things that are important. I missed a dinner at the university for the honor students, b/c my D decided last minute that she didn't want to go. This after I paid beaucoup money for the registry, etc.

Keep hanging in there...and I'm with  you on being glad that I found this site! I hope someday to be as learned as some of the other posters here, and be able to give back what's been given to me... x

[agalmom]

    Thank you Missfit. No parent should have to go through this. This is definately the worst thing I have ever had to deal with. Next to almost losing my daughter 15 years ago when she stopped breathing and had a seizure. I thought I was going lose her then, but in return, I got almost 15 great years with her.
Only God knows if there are more to come.

[peaceplease]

agalmom,

I just finished reviewing your posts, and I am flabbergasted over the judge's ruling.  Her bio dad was not around for how many years, and the judge does not listen to CPS?

BTW - primary custody is the parent that has major custody.  Custody is shared, but the primary custodian has the child the majority of the time.  My dd tried for  primary custody a few years, ago.  Her ex would not sign papers for primary custody.  My dd agreed to split custody.  I think both of the parents are mentally ill.  I strongly believe that my dd has BPD, and her ex has NPD.

I am sorry for your pain.  I am glad that you have dh for support during this time.  And, I am glad that you have discovered this site.   x

peaceplease

[agalmom]

   I know what you are saying Peaceplease. I was in complete shock when that Judge said those words. NO EVIDENCE, just someones "Feelings". I am just hoping the Family Court is different. If you make accusations, you should be able to prove them, if not, that is all it is "accusations". The Family court appointed "Provider" has already made statements that "not everyone agrees with the Juvenile Court Order". So that is a plus for me. It is very important that I have my daughter evaluated by a Certified Psycologist. She has made up lies after lies and I am afraid she is going to put someone in Jail before she is done. I am finally getting copies of my daughter's medical records (court ordered)  and not once am I listed as her mom, nor is there a phone number to contact me.  ?   ?  Still waiting on the medical records from the Mental Facility she was admitted to in early August. Ex said she saw a Psycologist, lets see if he was truthful. That would be a miracle. I doubt it though. Ex never told me anything other than he got to see our daughter and that she was glad to be home. Oh, and she was diagnose with Hyperthyrodism.  ? And he has told me that our daughter had a UTI for over a year and I never took her to the doctor. I am so glad he knows everything. For someone who was NEVER there, he sure knows alot what happened in my home and how I raised my children. The good thing is, he will have to pay me 3 years of back child support, since he has NEVER paid a penny in child support for 15 years. The law will only go back 3 years.

     I didn't go to the dance recital, as I was just to worried that there was going to be drama. It was just not worth it.

   My DH doesn't want me to let the kids talk to their sister anymore. I really don't blame him. It isn't that he is trying to be "mean" but he is doing it to protect them. He is afraid that my daughter will say something (Lie) to them and confuse them and make this whole situation worse. I have been supervising their very little contact that they have had. But he is wanting No More phone calls and no more pics. What do you think I should do?

 ?  ?  ?

 

[peaceplease]

Who said that she had a UTI for a year, and you never took her to a dr.?  Umm, as a nurse, I can tell you that a person would not last that long with a UTI.  They would go into sepsis and die.  Where is your ex getting his information about the year long UTI? Your dd?  That is impossible!

I am confident that your dd will be back with you and painting him black, again.  I am sorry that you have to go through this.   x

peaceplease

[misfit101]

Maybe your D told her father that she had the UTI for a year and you didn't get her treatment? If so...AND HE BELIEVED IT? That's impossible. I'm really hoping that family court is different. Is the family court "provider" like a child advocate? They are usually able to pretty well discern what the truth is, and isn't. I never realized that court recognized any "feelings". None I was ever in did.

That's a tough question about your D and her siblings. My D has only one that's young enough to where I make the decision about contact. She so far she's said nothing to him to cause drama, etc. She just asks him about school, hobbies, etc. Makes a couple of funny jokes with him. The conversations are very short, but there's no reason for me to not allow them as they stand now. If she changes, and starts dragging him into this mess..then contact would have to end. Not trying to be mean to your H, but he's jumping the gun by wanting no contact whatsoever. Especially if you're monitoring the situation, and nothing has happened. He's predicting something will, and he might just be wrong about that. I understand his fears, but they ARE siblings and have a different relationship. You don't want to deny your D this very important relationship without very good reason. JMHO