My annual Thanksgiving waffling.

[Think About It....]

I hear you Matt. I still live in our house. Court order gave me the house but not the kids ? Kids were shuffled from place to place, even to a hotel for a week and she finally rented a condo. That took a year and the courts didn't care ? Two summers ago she came to pick kids up and walked in from the front door. The kids wanted to show her some fiddler crabs we caught down the shore. I walked to the front when I heard her voice inside the house and stood 10 feet away. She knew she crossed a boundary and didn't venture further in. I didn't want to make a scene in front of the kids. She had a protection order against me then and I wasn't allowed near her front door ! I sent an email the next day asking her to never do that again. I tried to be as "non" confrontational as possible. Of course , she accused me of lying and that she never set foot in "her house". I get the willies whenever she is near me. Went to court two weeks ago for child support modification. She initiated it. I wasn't looking forward to it but I had to go. I decided I was going without my atty to save money. I started the night before to get my head on straight. I thought I was totally prepared for whatever she was going to do. I drove there very focused and I really felt calm. Got there 10 minutes early. I sat in the conference office and talked to the officer about baseball since he had posters all over. Twenty minutes later officer said I could go since BPDw didn't show up. The petition was dismissed. Never expected that. I think BPD has a sixth sense sometimes.

[david]

I hear you Matt. I still live in our house. Court order gave me the house but not the kids ? Kids were shuffled from place to place, even to a hotel for a week and she finally rented a condo. That took a year and the courts didn't care ? Two summers ago she came to pick kids up and walked in from the front door. The kids wanted to show her some fiddler crabs we caught down the shore. I walked to the front when I heard her voice inside the house and stood 10 feet away. She knew she crossed a boundary and didn't venture further in. I didn't want to make a scene in front of the kids. She had a protection order against me then and I wasn't allowed near her front door ! I sent an email the next day asking her to never do that again. I tried to be as "non" confrontational as possible. Of course , she accused me of lying and that she never set foot in "her house". I get the willies whenever she is near me. Went to court two weeks ago for child support modification. She initiated it. I wasn't looking forward to it but I had to go. I decided I was going without my atty to save money. I started the night before to get my head on straight. I thought I was totally prepared for whatever she was going to do. I drove there very focused and I really felt calm. Got there 10 minutes early. I sat in the conference office and talked to the officer about baseball since he had posters all over. Twenty minutes later officer said I could go since BPDw didn't show up. The petition was dismissed. Never expected that. I think BPD has a sixth sense sometimes.

[Matt]

I hear you Matt. I still live in our house. Court order gave me the house but not the kids ? Kids were shuffled from place to place, even to a hotel for a week and she finally rented a condo. That took a year and the courts didn't care ? Two summers ago she came to pick kids up and walked in from the front door. The kids wanted to show her some fiddler crabs we caught down the shore. I walked to the front when I heard her voice inside the house and stood 10 feet away. She knew she crossed a boundary and didn't venture further in. I didn't want to make a scene in front of the kids. She had a protection order against me then and I wasn't allowed near her front door ! I sent an email the next day asking her to never do that again. I tried to be as "non" confrontational as possible. Of course , she accused me of lying and that she never set foot in "her house". I get the willies whenever she is near me. Went to court two weeks ago for child support modification. She initiated it. I wasn't looking forward to it but I had to go. I decided I was going without my atty to save money. I started the night before to get my head on straight. I thought I was totally prepared for whatever she was going to do. I drove there very focused and I really felt calm. Got there 10 minutes early. I sat in the conference office and talked to the officer about baseball since he had posters all over. Twenty minutes later officer said I could go since BPDw didn't show up. The petition was dismissed. Never expected that. I think BPD has a sixth sense sometimes.

When we first separated there boundaries had to be established.  My adult son was living with us, and he called me when I was at work, to tell me stbX had come into my house, claiming to need my younger son's homework.  She looked all over the house except my younger son's room, rifling through every stack of paper in the house.  It was during our divorce, just after she hired an expensive lawyer with a reputation for being very focused on "discovery" - finding hidden money.  I have no doubt that stbX was looking for evidence of hidden money.  I told my older son not to worry about it, and talked to my lawyer, who told me to write her a very clear e-mail, telling her not to come into my house without my permission.  He said if she didn't comply I could get a restraining order.  I imagine she talked with her lawyer, who told her not to do that again.

Since then she has stayed out of my house, except when I invited her for Thanksgiving two years ago...and Christmas...and the kids' birthdays...

[Gagrl]

...not a punitive thing, or nasty, just, this is my home, and I get to decide what kind of person comes in.

Wish I could say my decision wasn't punitive, but I started off letting The Dark Princess come to our house to visit DH's daughter and grandaughter who were living with us, but on a early visit, she spoke Thai to my stepson's wife, and I was told later by my stepdaughter that she was freely criticizing the house and my housekeeping and pointing out objects that DH moved into my house that should have been hers, yada, yada, yada...so guess what, no more visitation privileges in my house.

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[Matt]

Text this morning from D14:

R we gonna have thanksgiving all together?

They're off school today through Sunday.  The plan is, I'll pick them up Friday, take them to the Big City Saturday for shopping, then to see their big brother Sunday morning, then home.

I called D14 and asked her what she discussed with her mom about the plans.  She said she asked her mom, and she told her, whatever you guys (I guess that means D14 and me) work out.

I told D14, I'm not planning on that, and I have a ton of stuff I need to get done today and tomorrow.  But later in the day, if you're bored, I can take you guys (D14 and S12) to a movie.  We talked about which movies and when.

She asked if we can have Thanksgiving Sunday with her big brother and I told her, we can't take food, but we can have a "Vending Machine Thanksgiving" - the kids like the vending machine food so that sounded good to her.  She is also eager to go shopping in the city on Saturday, so it will be a good weekend for her.  S12 too I'm sure.

I think it went OK.

[DreamGirl]

I think it went pretty darn good.   

Happy Thanksgiving. 

[GreatDad]

I told D14, I'm not planning on that, and I have a ton of stuff I need to get done today and tomorrow.  But later in the day, if you're bored, I can take you guys (D14 and S12) to a movie.  We talked about which movies and when.

I'm not sure what's the best bet tomorrow:  New England minus 7 1/2 at Detroit,  or that Matt will be taking S and D to a movie.  The only way to make that second bet interesting is whether it'll be one of those 2:20 movies, or a 4:45 showing.  I'm going with the 4:45, but I'm betting D's phone call to Matt will be by 2:00.  Matt, if you really have a lot to do tomorrow, I suggest getting it done early.  Enjoy the kids. 
~GD

PS: Let us know what time you get the call. 

[Matt]

I told D14, I'm not planning on that, and I have a ton of stuff I need to get done today and tomorrow.  But later in the day, if you're bored, I can take you guys (D14 and S12) to a movie.  We talked about which movies and when.

I'm not sure what's the best bet tomorrow:  New England minus 7 1/2 at Detroit,  or that Matt will be taking S and D to a movie.  The only way to make that second bet interesting is whether it'll be one of those 2:20 movies, or a 4:45 showing.  I'm going with the 4:45, but I'm betting D's phone call to Matt will be by 2:00.  Matt, if you really have a lot to do tomorrow, I suggest getting it done early.  Enjoy the kids. 
~GD

PS: Let us know what time you get the call. 

You're so cynical!

But you win the bet:  Ex called twice already, wanting to know when I'll pick them up.

The real excitement is Sunday, when Green Bay whomps on Atlanta.

[Gagrl]

The real excitement is Sunday, when Green Bay whomps on Atlanta.

Oh, Matt, Matt, Matt...not going to happen.

[peaceplease]

Matt,

I know that it's a little late to be chiming in here.  I just read this thread, and I see that you have made your decision.  And, I think it is a good one.  You are uncomfortable around your ex, so the kids wouldn't benefit from this dinner. Have a great day and weekend!

peaceplease

[GreatDad]

The real excitement is Sunday, when Green Bay whomps on Atlanta.

Oh, Matt, Matt, Matt...not going to happen.

Atlanta fans have a sense of entitlement that borders on the absurd.  They go hot and cold, without reason and without predictability.  They don't appreciate the consequences of their actions, and the teams, themselves, have an inflated self-image.   It's not just football.  With the Braves, the sense of entitlement was so strong that playoff games weren't even sold out:  everyone was waiting for the World Series.  Then, there's the abandonment concerns:  they became so attached to Mike Vick, then we all know what happened.  Now, Vick is lighting it up big time in Philly.  And the only real NFC team, the Packers, will be in Atlanta to destroy the hopes and dreams of who only Atlantans believe are the Super Bowl bound Falcons (cognitive distortions?).   The smart money is on the Packers, who are suprisingly underdogs.  I guess the oddsmakers have fleas or are enablers.   

[GreatDad]

But you win the bet:  Ex called twice already, wanting to know when I'll pick them up.

In all seriousness, though, while the process was, is and will be flawed, the outcome is best for the kids.  You give me a glimpse of what to expect to endure.  And, it's better than staying married.    

[Matt]

But you win the bet:  Ex called twice already, wanting to know when I'll pick them up.

In all seriousness, though, while the process was, is and will be flawed, the outcome is best for the kids.  You give me a glimpse of what to expect to endure.  And, it's better than staying married.    

Actually it's not that much to "endure".  In the grand scheme of things, this is a hassle, and kind of demeaning, to have this kind of stuff to deal with, instead of just being a good solid family.  But as you suggest, things tend to work out pretty well almost all the time now.  It just takes extra patience and sometimes a little creativity.

Thanks everybody!

Matt

[Jbird]

Enjoy that time with them Matt... 

[Matt]

Pretty OK weekend...

I picked them up early Friday and ran a bunch of errands, then a quiet afternoon and evening.  Saturday we went to the big city, did some shopping, and saw a movie.  Then this morning we got up early and went to see their big brother.  He was thrilled to see them and they had a great time.  We stayed about five hours, playing games, and drove home just as it was starting to snow hard.

Not the Thanksgiving I would have chosen but a pretty good weekend anyhow.

(Except somehow Green Bay blew it.)

Thanks everybody!

Matt

[JustSaying]

"My Thanksgiving is going to be Sunday with you guys and SS33.  I gotta do some work Thursday and Friday but you guys have a great time with Momma!"

That's the best kind of answer. Says all that needs to be said and not a bit more. If anyone asked, "But why won't you have dinner with mom?" you don't have to answer. Just repeat this answer. Seems like you handled all just about as well as could be done.