Does mental illness justify verbal abuse?

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radioheart:
Quote from: Enna on November 24, 2010, 12:36:50 PM

Actually I just had a strange conversation with my H about this when he had one of his moments of clarity last night. Funnily (or maybe not) he agreed when I told him that I have made a lot of mistakes conserning exactly how I react to his insults etc., that I should not let him upset me with all his angriness and nervousness. At the same time I'm realizing that the verbal abuse is mostly about him trying to make me feel bad just because he feels bad, so the only right thing is to not get dragged into it.

Wow! Maybe I need to bring that up to my H next time we can have a civil discussion about our behaviors. I know he would also agree that I need to stop being defensive. It's just so hard not to get defensive, when you are being accused of things you didn't do/didn't mean/didn't say, etc. And yes, you are right, that the verbal abuse is about making me feel bad because he feels so bad/lonely/unloved, etc.

Quote

Another comment, at least for my H all changes are stressful and it's a 100 % to be expected e.g. before traveling (even if it's just for a few days to visit my family or whatever minor trip) that he'll change his mind about going several times. So in your situation you really have to stay strong if your H is anything like mine.


Yes, you are also correct about that. Trips are very very stressful for him. Heck, the night before we flew to FL to get married, we stayed up literally all night fighting and trying to decide whether or not to get married, and almost called the whole thing off. So I know this is a very scary time for him. We have had so many life changes since the wedding 5 months ago that we haven't able to relax and enjoy being married yet. Someone at work asked me today, "Isn't it great being a newlywed?" I had to force a smile and nod. Being a newlywed, for me, has been probably the worst 5 months of my life.

Thanks for your encouragement!

LouiseG:
Dear Radioheart, i am new on this site and just cried when i read what you said.  I am also tired of being abused...exhausted and my life has fallen apart from it.  I want to leave but he does the same as your H.  and explains how he feels and cries and i soften and he sounds rational suddenly.  He explains how i did such-and-such which caused him to feel such-and-such and angry and if only i don't do this anymore he will be fine and we can be happy. However, there is always a new thing i do that gets hem angry and justifies his verbal and physical abuse...i can't keep up...i'm confused, twisted and am losing myself.  Mental Illness is a taboo word around him.He is very very cunning and intelligent and he knows he has a disorder but is terrified of acknowledging it or anyone thinking he has it.  Abuse should not be tolerated, we all know that.  I never thought i'd be in such a difficult spot where it is so hard to leave and so i do tolerated it but hate it.  My family also suffer because of my weakness.  It's a personal journey we each have to go through and don't let anyone judge you for your choices.

Sharonon:
Quote from: LouiseG on November 26, 2010, 05:54:57 PM

Dear Radioheart, i am new on this site and just cried when i read what you said.  I am also tired of being abused...exhausted and my life has fallen apart from it.  I want to leave but he does the same as your H.  and explains how he feels and cries and i soften and he sounds rational suddenly.  He explains how i did such-and-such which caused him to feel such-and-such and angry and if only i don't do this anymore he will be fine and we can be happy. However, there is always a new thing i do that gets hem angry and justifies his verbal and physical abuse...i can't keep up...i'm confused, twisted and am losing myself.  Mental Illness is a taboo word around him.He is very very cunning and intelligent and he knows he has a disorder but is terrified of acknowledging it or anyone thinking he has it.  Abuse should not be tolerated, we all know that.  I never thought i'd be in such a difficult spot where it is so hard to leave and so i do tolerated it but hate it.  My family also suffer because of my weakness.  It's a personal journey we each have to go through and don't let anyone judge you for your choices.


Hi LouiseG  *welcome*. Wow! You are a brand new "baby" here  x. But you are obviously very wise   :).

There is lots of information on this site you may find  helpful. It can be tucked away in all sorts of nooks and cranny. I feel sure it will help you.

Don't let him tell you what is real, ok? That can be hard though as they are at us all the time, trying to transplant their beliefs & lies into us.

You can post a new topic if you want - your very own.

Sharonon:
Quote from: radioheart on November 24, 2010, 01:41:46 PM

Quote from: Enna on November 24, 2010, 12:36:50 PM

Actually I just had a strange conversation with my H about this when he had one of his moments of clarity last night. Funnily (or maybe not) he agreed when I told him that I have made a lot of mistakes conserning exactly how I react to his insults etc., that I should not let him upset me with all his angriness and nervousness. At the same time I'm realizing that the verbal abuse is mostly about him trying to make me feel bad just because he feels bad, so the only right thing is to not get dragged into it.

Wow! Maybe I need to bring that up to my H next time we can have a civil discussion about our behaviors. I know he would also agree that I need to stop being defensive. It's just so hard not to get defensive, when you are being accused of things you didn't do/didn't mean/didn't say, etc. And yes, you are right, that the verbal abuse is about making me feel bad because he feels so bad/lonely/unloved, etc.

Quote

Another comment, at least for my H all changes are stressful and it's a 100 % to be expected e.g. before traveling (even if it's just for a few days to visit my family or whatever minor trip) that he'll change his mind about going several times. So in your situation you really have to stay strong if your H is anything like mine.


Yes, you are also correct about that. Trips are very very stressful for him. Heck, the night before we flew to FL to get married, we stayed up literally all night fighting and trying to decide whether or not to get married, and almost called the whole thing off. So I know this is a very scary time for him. We have had so many life changes since the wedding 5 months ago that we haven't able to relax and enjoy being married yet. Someone at work asked me today, "Isn't it great being a newlywed?" I had to force a smile and nod. Being a newlywed, for me, has been probably the worst 5 months of my life.

Thanks for your encouragement!


All this applies to my relationship.

By the time I was 6 months married I was depressed because I couldn't cope with his bad behaviour. We had our first marriage counselling then. Not that it worked - it usually doesn't with such dysfunctional people. The psychologist told me to leave my husband. I wish I had. And he refused to continue to see uas a couple. It has taken me many years to see what he did. I wish I could have those years back but that can be how it goes.

1stand10:
Quote from: radioheart on November 24, 2010, 08:31:33 AM


 ...finally he took his wedding ring off and told me he is not going to move to NC with me. He told me I spin everything he says, he can't talk to me, and that I am the most selfish person he knows. I told him I have very little emotional feelings for him anymore. He started crying and then calmed down and began explaining the things that upset him, at which point I went COMPLETELY SOFT and reminded myself that he is mentally ill. I hugged him and told him I loved him.


Funny, this is what my stbx uBPDw does with me but I'm not the one who is verbally abusive...she is.  In fact, she spins everything, she is extremely selfish, she hasn't worn her wedding ring in over 2 years and she always tells me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. 
It seems to me that he is projecting on to you.  Read up on that because this always had me confused and made me feel like the one with BPD. 8:-)

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