Help 2 of my three kids are choosing my uBPDx over my peaceful home WHY?

[Think About It...]

Help! 2 of my four kids are choosing my uBPDx over my peaceful home! WHY?

My 11yo daughter is acting out like her BP mom. If she does not get her way over the smallest things, she escalates and rages and wants to call mom.

I said no to having her friend over to pick out a christmas tree, so she waited till we got to the tree farm and walked away.

We did not take the bait which p*ssed her off. She found us only to rage and threaten to call mom. again we did not take the bait. she raged.

We got home and she demanded to call BP mom. I called I asked BP for support by not playing into this. She used the opportunity to take shots at me.

BP told me that my daughter told the school councilor that I slapped her last week did not happen.

She raged at mom "come and get me or I'll walk!"

She walked a mile.

BP Mom is a high functioning major BP. Distorting in high gear, children, neighbors, school parents, etc, etc.

When my daughter rages the words are her mothers.

She may come home today at 6 or may not.

It's peaceful here.
 
Can help me make any sense of this?

any advise ?

[Cadillac]

Help! 2 of my four kids are choosing my uBPDx over my peaceful home! WHY?

My 11yo daughter is acting out like her BP mom. If she does not get her way over the smallest things, she escalates and rages and wants to call mom.

I said no to having her friend over to pick out a christmas tree, so she waited till we got to the tree farm and walked away.

We did not take the bait which p*ssed her off. She found us only to rage and threaten to call mom. again we did not take the bait. she raged.

We got home and she demanded to call BP mom. I called I asked BP for support by not playing into this. She used the opportunity to take shots at me.

BP told me that my daughter told the school councilor that I slapped her last week did not happen.

She raged at mom "come and get me or I'll walk!"

She walked a mile.

BP Mom is a high functioning major BP. Distorting in high gear, children, neighbors, school parents, etc, etc.

When my daughter rages the words are her mothers.

She may come home today at 6 or may not.

It's peaceful here.
 
Can help me make any sense of this?

any advise ?

[JustSaying]

What were the kids like before separation/divorce? How were they affected by what was happening in the house, and then the divorce? Have they had any time with a therapist? How have they been doing otherwise, such as in school or activities? How tight were they with you and their mom before?

We did not take the bait

Who is "we"?

[Rubies]

Why?

Because the uBPDx manipulation machine is operating in full swing.   Bad mouthing you, lying and making big promises that won't be kept.

Just my guess based on experience.  Why don't you ask the kid who is not taking the ex's bait what's going on?

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[neverenz]

I would say that a pwBPD has no boundaries so that could be enticing to a young person trying to push the limits. If they are old enough to get back to you if things get bad i would let them go and experience it without you there to step in when things go pear shaped.
In the mean time ENJOY THE PEACE  Use the time to make a plan for youself and your other kids. What you will and wont except. One thing i learned here is that you cant set boundaries for anyone else, thats control, but you can and should set them for you.  I hope your dwBPD (?) is just copying her mum. My oldest is BPD and my ex made sure he taught her everything he knew
Peace is a rare thing in the life of BPD, enjoy it and dont feel guilty. I bet your other kids need it too. Think of it as a gift to them.
   neverenz

[Cadillac]

Thank you for your responses!

We is... DS20 DS11 DD11 myself and my friend

The kids were doing ok on the surface before the divorce, she filed in 9/07 and 5/09, It's been a long road, the straw for me was...uBPx would RAGE at me and they went along as if it was normal.

I have limits BP has few. DD11 is regularly seeing a councilor.

DS17 is with his mom, and has dropped out of all activities except band. BP was/is angry at DS17 as she is way over involved and sees the activities as her social structure, more people to manipulate.

Well... Last night uBPx dropped DD11 and DS11 at 6pm. My daughter, who looks 18, came in went strait to her room. She came down about 15 minutes later, still had her coat on, and watching the clock. Long story short ... as it got closer to 8 pm she began to try to start a fight then escalated into a yelling rage. I asked her why she did not like it here and she said her reason was that DS17 and I do not get along. I recorded the whole thing.

She wanted to call mom, mom did not answer. then she said I'm leaving. Against my wishes, she walked out on crutches in the 35 degree dark wearing dark clothes I called the County Sheriff, they came immediately. She was not to be found. It appears that my 17yo son was waiting a block away.  The Sheriff called and found her at her moms house a few minutes later 1 mile away.

Sheriff Cristy asked for the whole story then said " you seem like a nice man, a little to nice, don't be afraid to discipline your children." And then told me that if DD11 tried this again, they would send someone over to deal with her! Although I don't think it is appropriate or effective I learned it's not illegal to slap your kids as long as it does leave a mark over 24 hours. While at moms house DD11 told Christy that she hated me and she hated her life. not good:( Christy said that hating parents was common in some ages but hating her life was a BIG red flag.

DD11 texted that she was sorry and thought we both over reacted. She still wanted to go to the mall with us to ring the Salvation Army bell for 2 hours on Sunday PM. We had it set up to do with a friend of hers coming along.

I don't think I over reacted. However I sure that BP is telling her that if I loved her I would not call the cops on her. More proof that only mommy loves you and daddy does not

How can I help her understand?

   "Peace is a rare thing in the life of BPD, enjoy it and dont feel guilty. I bet your other kids need it too. Think of it as a gift to them. "


Thats good advice, I'll take it!



Your thoughts on this are invited!

[neverenz]

Maybe try using an example.
You could say "if you were running a temperature of 41degrees and your life was at risk would you expect me to take you to the hospital?"     she would have to agree   "Of course you would expect me to, and you know i would because i love you."  "when you stepped out into that darkness the other night i was very worried, their are bad things going on in the world today and i couldnt live with myself if i didnt try to protect you, its because i love you so much and wanted you to be safe"
She should get it then and may just forgive you. Dont worry too much about what cr@@ola your ex sais, kids inherently want to be given boundaries because they know this means you love them. They will sometimes fight just to see how much you love them.
 
   neverenz

[JustSaying]

I'm with the sheriff that you may be too passive. My daughter WOULD NOT leave the house without my permission, even if I had to stay up all night to make sure. As neverenz says, "kids inherently want to be given boundaries because they know this means you love them. They will sometimes fight just to see how much you love them."

Also, I would forget that part about being allowed to slap kids as long as there's no mark in 24 hours. Can't think of a thing that will accomplish other than alienating them and teaching them that a person who professes to love them can slap them and it's ok.

I agree with neverenz about ignoring the stuff that the ex says. Kids are good at recognizing consistency. My D13, for example, knows that the bad comments her mom says about her are not true, and so questions all the other things her mom says, too.

What I might do is find a time when I could be alone and calm with each child. Then I would work with them to create a plan for their life. "Honey, I love you and want the best for you. I want you to help me figure out what is best for you, what will help you grow into a responsible adult, with worthy goals and the skills to achieve them." I'd ask them what they want from life, what they want each day to be like, what things they want to fill their time with. I'd also list my expectations. My D will take school seriously, for example, plus her chosen activity. She will do certain tasks around the house. It would be a conversation about what she wants, what I expect, and how we can work together to get everyone what they need. And there would be regular check-ins to see how well our progress was. If your D is like mine, she will crave the certainty of a parent who is clear, confident, and consistent in having her interests at heart.

At the same time, I'd be careful about overplaying the "peaceful home" concept. If that is your primary goal, it can be used to manipulate you. If you avoid difficult topics because it would mess with the peace, then you've valuing peace above effectiveness. If my D neglects something or crosses a line, then peace takes a backseat to correcting the behavior and moving forward in a positive way.

[qcarolr]

What I might do is find a time when I could be alone and calm with each child. Then I would work with them to create a plan for their life. "Honey, I love you and want the best for you. I want you to help me figure out what is best for you, what will help you grow into a responsible adult, with worthy goals and the skills to achieve them." I'd ask them what they want from life, what they want each day to be like, what things they want to fill their time with. I'd also list my expectations. My D will take school seriously, for example, plus her chosen activity. She will do certain tasks around the house. It would be a conversation about what she wants, what I expect, and how we can work together to get everyone what they need. And there would be regular check-ins to see how well our progress was. If your D is like mine, she will crave the certainty of a parent who is clear, confident, and consistent in having her interests at heart.

At the same time, I'd be careful about overplaying the "peaceful home" concept. If that is your primary goal, it can be used to manipulate you. If you avoid difficult topics because it would mess with the peace, then you've valuing peace above effectiveness. If my D neglects something or crosses a line, then peace takes a backseat to correcting the behavior and moving forward in a positive way.

JustSaying, I printed this out it is really good advice. How old do you think a child needs to be for a conversation like this to work? I really tend to over react to stuff - I have custody of my gd5 and wish I could have a 'do-over' with my DD24 who can't be in our home anymore.

qcr

[JustSaying]

How old do you think a child needs to be for a conversation like this to work?

From birth. It's not a once-and-done conversation. I've told D from before she could understand language that my goal was for her to be a healthy, responsible adult, and that I'd do all I could to enable that. I choose to believe that helped her be suspicious of the things her mom has said to her that contradict that message, particularly because pwBPD are inconsistent and do that "you're great, you're horrible" thing, which is really confusing. Healthy individuals will gravitate to the more consistent message, especially if it affirms things they have observed directly. My D has a few other adults in her life who model the same message, which further reinforces what I've been saying to her.