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Highly Recommended Book ... Shari Manning PhD, former CEO of Marsha Linehan's Behavioral Tech, LLC, helps overwhelmed loved ones understand why their spouse, adult child, or parent acts they way they do and she shows how to respond constructively. These simple strategies can radically transform any troubled relationship.
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Author Topic: How do you figure out what is normal?  (Read 705 times)
Mike76
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« Reply #10 on: March 02, 2012, 09:33:29 AM »

My FOG is deep right now... I have done some reading but I am struggling to get out of it.  I will just keep trying.

So I do not need to open a new thread I am really struggling with forgiveness.

Without getting into the particular my uBPDw, she has really been giving me a hard time about a issue at church.  She does no like the timing I use with it( if I put it up while standing, although most of the church does what I did).  She keep telling me it is not about everyone else, and if I do not abide by her I am a failure as husband, and horrible person.   She has raged at me many times over this issue, on the way home in the car.  Using some of the tools I have learned from these boards I guess I may have finally communicated to her that she can not talk to me this way about this issue.  That I will not accept and this can not happen.  I say this because she apologized to me the other day and said "I should not have said those those about this issue, I placed unfair expectations on you".  I was hard for me to take in, because she has never really apologized for  anything and I realize she can back track tomorrow, next week, or next month.  How do you accept an apology with congratulation or to much validation?

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jessicapuppy
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« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2012, 03:36:17 PM »

I'd have thought just a 'thank you' would suffice.  I don't suppose you want to make too much of the issue, as it may have been quite hard for her to say, and she may not want to make a big deal out of it.  You could perhaps say 'Thank you, that means a lot', if you wanted to let her know it was really appreciated.

I'd be interested to hear what anyone else things is the correct response...
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board.
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
Mike76
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« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2012, 03:47:18 PM »

Problem is I did say "Thank you"...

She seemed to want something more that... Not sure what?  She said, that is all you are going to say?

I guess I should have added that before
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jessicapuppy
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« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2012, 04:15:47 PM »

Problem is I did say "Thank you"...

She seemed to want something more that... Not sure what?  She said, that is all you are going to say?

I guess I should have added that before

Okay, so seemingly she was apologising in order to be praised!  Perhaps adding '...that meant a lot' to the thank you, might have sufficed? 

Did you ask her what she was hoping you'd have said?
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Mike76
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« Reply #14 on: March 02, 2012, 06:29:30 PM »

she pretty much wanted praise as you suggested.

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jessicapuppy
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« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2012, 06:36:17 PM »

she pretty much wanted praise as you suggested.



Yes, that sounds very familiar!

My ex once told me he was jealous of my dogs, because I praise them more than I do him!  I asked him if what he was saying was that he wanted to be treated like a dog, and he said yes!
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