Hi there Peace-seeker Hi!
I'm sorry to hear of what you are going through
I can relate to everything you are saying, having just broken up with my uBPD/NPD bf of 3.5 years.
Like you, my ex was never physically abusive, but verbally and emotionally. I felt like I was living on a ticking bomb, and found it very hard to relax around him. When he took one of his rages/turns, his eyes changed and it was like having another man in the room. I could clearly recognise which of the two men in him had come down to visit me on a weekend, and usually without him even saying anything!
My advice to you would be to go with your gut feeling on everything. I agree that your counsellor sounds less than useful, and it would seem that you would benefit from counselling alone, to address your concerns. I wish that I had acted during the first couple of months when I realised what I know now, and not waited for so long, gradually being worn down.
If you feel unsafe, then I'd say you should go with that feeling. If it feels wrong, then that's yourself waving a big red flag in front of you, and you need to pay it attention. I don't have the figures at hand (perhaps another member will do) but I believe a very significant number of verbal/emotional abusers go on to inflict physical abuse.
I would say that if your H is totally in denial, then no...things are not going to improve. You can use coping tools/methods from this site to better handle his rages and other BPD behaviour, but without his willingness to improve himself, that will most likely be as much as can be done. Some people find that improves things to a level that they are happy enough with, but I suppose it depends on what outcome you are hoping for. For me, I wanted a partner who could give me empathy when I needed it, and who respected me enough not to keep yelling at me. I knew that just wasn't going to happen in my case.
Memory lapse/selective memory is a feature of BPD, and it is very possible that in his mind, he hasn't done some of the things you try to tell him he has. I was actually at the point of carrying a Dictaphone around with me at all times, to try to prove to my ex what he was doing, and saving all computer correspondence!
Were you together for long before you married?
A year into my relationship and I knew something was very wrong with my ex. 3 years into the relationship and he was convincing ME that there was something wrong with me! The longer you are in the situation, without the knowledge of coping methods, or a therapist, or a partner willing to change, the more you end up having things twisted, being enmeshed and co-dependent, and generally being stuck in the FOG:http://www.BPDfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
I would suggest that you read-up on the many workshops and articles on this site, get your own therapist that you can talk to without your husband being present, and then you will be better placed to decide which direction you want to proceed in.
Whatever you decide to do, you will get amazing support from the people on this site. Joining the site was the best move I ever made, in dealing with the aftermath of my relationship (I did not know about BPD or NPD when I was together with my ex).
Here is the link to the coping tools. You will most likely find those useful, regardless of which path you choose, as there are good methods of defusing situations in there.http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190
I look forward to reading your future posts.