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Highly Recommended Book ... Shari Manning PhD, former CEO of Marsha Linehan's Behavioral Tech, LLC, helps overwhelmed loved ones understand why their spouse, adult child, or parent acts they way they do and she shows how to respond constructively. These simple strategies can radically transform any troubled relationship.
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Author Topic: Is this place dangerous?  (Read 1756 times)
Fubar
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« Reply #20 on: December 15, 2010, 01:09:38 PM »


Quote
If you look over my posts, you'll see that when I'm not posting things like this thread, I'm venting like crazy. 

I am very hurt, angry, resentful, fragile, and confused at this point in my life.  And it's cumulative over 30 years, so it's not going to clear up easily.

I also don't want to be mollycoddled or have my self-justifying or reality-denying behavior fed--at least I don't consciously want that. smiley  It feels so good though. 

I find myself almost always with something to say on a thread, so maybe I think I know it all too, even though it's clear that I'm as lost as anyone can be who's managed to find their way here.

I don't think anybody is intentionally functioning as an enabler either, of course.  I'm just stumping for "Enabler Awareness."



I hope that nothing I'm saying is offending you-- I am not criticizing anything you are saying and in fact agree with a lot of your observations.   

I can definitely relate to the feeling of being very hurt, angry, resentful and confused... Depending on the day I have all of those feelings to varying degrees.   

I have found that the lessons that are on here and talking to folks who know a lot more than me have really helped me figure out practical things I can start to do to bring more peace to my life.  Doesn't change much with regard to what my H does or doesn't do but interestingly, the more I worry about me and not him, the more he seems interested in making changes to himself, which in turn benefit us. 

I think enabler awareness is a great idea!  You've done a good job of getting it into my awareness for sure!

Not offended at all (You should see the wild-west shootouts on the political board I frequent).

But if I've increased enabler awareness on this board, then my work here is done.  I'm ready to spread the word to support groups everywhere, preaching the gospel of empowerment over enablement. 

Pardon me while I ride off into the sunset . . .

(j/k.  You can't get rid of me that easily.)
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When you are dying of thirst and you come upon a mirage, you will drink the sand. -Unknown
For a BPD sufferer, feelings are the same as facts and emotions same as the truth. -pallavirajsinghani
innerspirit
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« Reply #21 on: December 15, 2010, 02:30:49 PM »

But if I've increased enabler awareness on this board, then my work here is done.  I'm ready to spread the word to support groups everywhere, preaching the gospel of empowerment over enablement. 
Pardon me while I ride off into the sunset . . .

The theme to THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY whistles away in the background.
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board.
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
Fubar
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« Reply #22 on: December 15, 2010, 02:53:21 PM »

 
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When you are dying of thirst and you come upon a mirage, you will drink the sand. -Unknown
For a BPD sufferer, feelings are the same as facts and emotions same as the truth. -pallavirajsinghani
GreenMango
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« Reply #23 on: March 02, 2012, 06:19:35 AM »

Can I bump this?  It has some good insight...

-GM
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Alvino
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Glad to have my own reality back :)


« Reply #24 on: March 02, 2012, 10:30:45 AM »


But if I've increased enabler awareness on this board, then my work here is done.  I'm ready to spread the word to support groups everywhere, preaching the gospel of empowerment over enablement.  

Pardon me while I ride off into the sunset . . .

(j/k.  You can't get rid of me that easily.)

Fubar,

I feel deeply offended: how dare you insinuate that my suffering is not more unique and original than others' suffering? It is at the core of my being, I am defining myself by it and it serves as a simple structuring device for the world around me:

a) those people whom I have not yet told about my special suffering and
b) those people whom I have shared the gift of my special suffering with.

Goup b) then falls neatly into two parts:

b.1) those enlightened few who accept the superiority of my suffering to theirs and bow before me and
b.2) those ignorant masses who think there are still other problems in the world in addition to my magnificent, silent (well... ;-) suffering.

So don't you dare ride off into the sunset before having acknowledged that my suffering is more special than yours!  Hi!
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WillThisGetBetter
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« Reply #25 on: March 02, 2012, 10:46:40 AM »

Fubar think of it this way:

You come home from work, hop off the bus and wheel around the corner and voila!, your house has been burned down, the tires on your car slashed, a baseball taken to it, the windows smashed, and epithets spray painted on your driveway, all false accusations and character defamations, for all the world to see.  Your insurance policy is not in effect and somehow all the money in your bank account has been drained.  You know who did it, but that person goes to work everyday, smiles at everyone, goes on with his/her life with the support of her/his friends and family, continues as if nothing has happened.  The police won't help you, they actually won't even listen to you, they believe his or her story, not yours.  That person might start to believe they've lost his/her mind, could this be happening?

So...you're left with nothing and it all seemed to happen all at once. 

You don't really notice that your insides are in ruins until the fog starts to lift.

Now can you see why this board is full of what you might call self-pity.  For some people, these boards keep them from killing themselves.  Either you have not lived through this or you are a much, much stronger person than most of us are.  If it's the latter, good on you.  In either case, have a heart, the last thing any of us needs at the moment is another judgment.

We'll get better and we leave it up to the advisors, ambassadors, administrators and moderators to point us in the right direction when we need it.  They're very good (thank you guys, by the way).
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hithere
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« Reply #26 on: March 02, 2012, 12:13:31 PM »

I think BPD is special - it is so complex, so damaging and so hard to understand that it really is baffling.  There is a fine line between pity and support but I think this board is a good tool, I know it has helped me feel less alone and less embarrassed just knowing there are others that have gone (and going) though the same things.

One thing I will say which I notice in say 10%-20% of the threads is that I think there are some people that conclude their partner was BPD to find an answer to why they got dumped.  I guess there is not harm in it but I just think it is interesting.
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OnceConfused
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« Reply #27 on: March 02, 2012, 12:40:07 PM »

Fubar:

Everything in life could be dangerous if you get too much of it. Try to drink 5 gallons of water at once and see what happens to your body. You could die.

Similarly, a scapel in the hand of the skilled surgeon is an instrument of life but in the hand of a deranged person is an instrument of death. This is why buddha advocates "BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD."

Same thing here, when you come to a public forum, use your own judgment and experience to filter out what are necessary for  you to be where you want to be. A participant is the staying forum has a different perspective than the one in the leaving one. I left BPD so that is why I hardly participate in the staying forum for it is not my place.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #28 on: March 02, 2012, 05:56:18 PM »

Okay so looking at the responses maybe I shouldn't have bumped this.  It seems like an oldie but goodie.  I thought there were some gems in it that helped me but...

Alvino- yours cracked me up.   lol

-GM
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Happiest
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When I'm ready


« Reply #29 on: March 02, 2012, 07:25:14 PM »

Thanks for Bumping it GM

I was having the same thoughts as Fubar from time to time.
I agree with every persons input, and funnily enough some of it contradicts. Thats what makes this topic so pertinant...it is multi dimensional.
Its a good issue to be reminded of and the responses are great responses in answer.

Thanks again Fubar and everyone else that had an input, I loved this thread.

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