A question to help me decide . . .

[Think About It...]

My counselor one time asked me what I wanted out of life.  How do I want to live?

(Strange phenomenon--my subconscious would actually hijack my conscious mind when I tried to think in terms of specifics, and I'd end up deflecting to feelings of resentment that I couldn't live the way I wanted to instead of thinking about how I wanted to live.)

Anyway, after a fair amount of thought, I'd say that I want to live my life openly and authentically, and work on not being afraid of opening myself to revel in whatever my life brings.

Which brought me to question 2:  Can I see myself living that way in my current relationship?

I have to say "no."

And then the final question:  Can your relationship grow or change enough to allow you to live that way?  (And a related question:  Would you be able to live that way in ANY relationship?)

Just a little food for thought.  I'm not sure about the answer to the final question.

[Fubar]

My counselor one time asked me what I wanted out of life.  How do I want to live?

(Strange phenomenon--my subconscious would actually hijack my conscious mind when I tried to think in terms of specifics, and I'd end up deflecting to feelings of resentment that I couldn't live the way I wanted to instead of thinking about how I wanted to live.)

Anyway, after a fair amount of thought, I'd say that I want to live my life openly and authentically, and work on not being afraid of opening myself to revel in whatever my life brings.

Which brought me to question 2:  Can I see myself living that way in my current relationship?

I have to say "no."

And then the final question:  Can your relationship grow or change enough to allow you to live that way?  (And a related question:  Would you be able to live that way in ANY relationship?)

Just a little food for thought.  I'm not sure about the answer to the final question.

[Travis]

Good question.  Can you live the life you want with a BPD partner?  I don't think so unless they are willing to get serious help, and even then it sounds unlikely. 

Openess and authenticity seem to be opposite to the BPD lifestyle.  Polarly opposite in fact.  Do you really want to change who you are or who you want to become and not have the life you want?  I have to admit, I made changes in my life to try to keep my BPD wife happy.  Appeasment does not work.  When I did stand up to her she'd bail and go to the bar to flirt with strangers and who knows what else.  This all to get "even" with me. 

I don't think its right that you have to give up your dream for anyone.  I think we need to fine peole who are aligned with are dreams and lifestyle and want to be supportive of that.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[LW1968]

This very question is why I remain undecided.  It's been a very short time since we've both taken steps towards improvement, but I'm in the grief stage right now.

It's a horrible realization to know that all the arguments for the past 7 years weren't right vs. wrong, and can never be fixed.  It's heartbreaking to come to the realization that all of the talks we had were done in the wrong format, with the wrong goals on both sides, and have probably long since been forgotten by my husband.

I told my therapist on Wednesday that I've been in a bit of a low-grade depression this week as reality hits me.  The reality is that this is not short-term, it cannot be fixed or cured, and if I stay the course, I may face the rest of my life with a person who I can't ask normal, simple questions or count on to make tough decisions.  I'm not sure I want that.  I'd rather have an partnership with someone I can depend on and trust.  Only time will tell if we'll get to that point or not.

[Fubar]

For me, one of the realities that has been difficult but liberating at the same time is that I don't HAVE to be in a relationship to be happy.

Not only that, but the best relationships are the ones that you don't NEED to be in.

Not only that, until you reach a stage where you don't NEED a relationship you won't be able to draw or be drawn to people who don't NEED a relationship.

I can hardly imagine the delight of two whole and healthy and not-needy individuals coming together as equals purely because they wanted to.  Each being the frosting on the other's already fantastically delicious cake.

[an0ught]

Anyway, after a fair amount of thought, I'd say that I want to live my life openly and authentically, and work on not being afraid of opening myself to revel in whatever my life brings.

Which brought me to question 2:  Can I see myself living that way in my current relationship?

I have to say "no."

And then the final question:  Can your relationship grow or change enough to allow you to live that way?  (And a related question:  Would you be able to live that way in ANY relationship?)

I wonder already about your answer question 2. What stops you from living that way?

What if you commit to making authenticity a boundary for you - and  let the dice fall where they may fall? Are you really, truly able to predict whether your the relationship between the two would hold or not?

[Fubar]

Anyway, after a fair amount of thought, I'd say that I want to live my life openly and authentically, and work on not being afraid of opening myself to revel in whatever my life brings.

Which brought me to question 2:  Can I see myself living that way in my current relationship?

I have to say "no."

And then the final question:  Can your relationship grow or change enough to allow you to live that way?  (And a related question:  Would you be able to live that way in ANY relationship?)

I wonder already about your answer question 2. What stops you from living that way?

What if you commit to making authenticity a boundary for you - and  let the dice fall where they may fall? Are you really, truly able to predict whether your the relationship between the two would hold or not?

To answer question #2 as a "yes," I have to change question #3 to "Can I grow or change enough to allow myself to live that way?"

Correct?

What keeps me from living that way now is CONSTANT pressure not to, combined with YEARS of that pressure, combined with YEARS of me acquiescing, combined with a strong foundation for all of it in childhood.

Where I am now, it feels as if every step I try to take is met with vigorous resistance, and I see nothing that would change that.  COULD I set boundaries and hold the line and enforce those boundaries no matter how they're attacked?  Yes.  Do I want to live my life in constant vigilance against attacks on my boundaries by my partner?  Not really.

There has to be change in my partner in order for the relationship to work.  There also has to be change in me for it to work, OR for me to move to healthy choices and boundaries after this relationship ends.

I'm struggling to make those changes myself, because whatever happens next, that's the growth I need.

But I'm not willing to live my life being happy in spite of my partner (nor am I willing to live my life being happy BECAUSE of her).

[an0ught]

Your mind immediately extrapolates the implications of your decision. The premises to approach it as a decision problem is the problem.

         When X then Y and there follows Z. I need B and C to get A.

Where you struggle Fubar is letting go of the outcome.

In another thread today I used the term "commit to boundaries". And that got me thinking about a recent great workshop on boundaries and values. You also commit to values. It is a problem of values and your commitment to them.

When you see a banknote laying around do you think about when I take this X would happen or maybe not? You are committed to not stealing. You do not even think about the outcome. If you are asked by someone - do you lie? Typically you would speak the truth - whatever the outcome is.

This is absolutely central. Thinking back my relationship only started changing after I committed myself to certain changes - no matter what the outcome was. I was willing to walk if certain things did not change.

What would happen if you acted being authentic?

What keeps me from living that way now is CONSTANT pressure not to, combined with YEARS of that pressure, combined with YEARS of me acquiescing, combined with a strong foundation for all of it in childhood.

I know exactly what you are talking about. Standing up to that is scary. And not having learned it in childhood sounds familiar. The structure of boundaries helps you to do it in a as much as possible controlled manner. What could be the outcome?
  - she accept the new you
  - she rejects the new you
  - you give up on being yourself

You could also just leave. And simply be yourself. You will need to struggle elsewhere too but the playing field may be less rocky.

The problem you face is some of the growth you need for the relationship to work will not come in a linear manner. Of course some validation helps - drip feeding sanity - that is the way I still look at it. Go back to my first 200 posts to find that sort of attitude - and a hidden fear of protecting my boundaries. But growth is also a boundary struggle - maybe more than anything else.