Your mind immediately extrapolates the implications of your decision. The premises to approach it as a decision problem is the problem.
When X then Y and there follows Z. I need B and C to get A.Where you struggle Fubar is letting go of the outcome.
In another thread today I used the term "commit to boundaries". And that got me thinking about a recent great workshop on boundaries and values. You also commit to values. It is a problem of values and your commitment to them.
When you see a banknote laying around do you think about when I take this X would happen or maybe not? You are committed to not stealing. You do not even think about the outcome. If you are asked by someone - do you lie? Typically you would speak the truth - whatever the outcome is.
This is absolutely central. Thinking back my relationship only started changing after I committed myself to certain changes - no matter what the outcome was. I was willing to walk if certain things did not change.
What would happen if you acted being authentic?
What keeps me from living that way now is CONSTANT pressure not to, combined with YEARS of that pressure, combined with YEARS of me acquiescing, combined with a strong foundation for all of it in childhood.
I know exactly what you are talking about. Standing up to that is scary. And not having learned it in childhood sounds familiar. The structure of boundaries helps you to do it in a as much as possible controlled manner. What could be the outcome?
- she accept the new you
- she rejects the new you
- you give up on being yourself
You could also just leave. And simply be yourself. You will need to struggle elsewhere too but the playing field may be less rocky.
The problem you face is some of the growth you need for the relationship to work will not come in a linear manner. Of course some validation helps - drip feeding sanity - that is the way I still look at it. Go back to my first 200 posts to find that sort of attitude - and a hidden fear of protecting my boundaries. But growth is also a boundary struggle - maybe more than anything else.