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Think About It... Resentment is a mental process in which we repeatedly replay a feeling, and the events leading up to that feeling that angers us. With resentment, we re-experience and relive events in ways that affect us mentally, emotionally, physiologically and spiritually in destructive ways. ~ Mark Siche (author of Healing from Family Rifts),
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Author Topic: Thinking like a borderline  (Read 1803 times)
grimalkin
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« on: December 18, 2010, 07:57:35 AM »

I'm finding myself with a lot of BP tendencies left over from my relationship with my ex.  Yuck.  How does one get rid of them?

Grim
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grimalkin
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« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2010, 08:08:45 AM »

It was hard to avoid, since I used to have BPD myself.  I suppose Most people get this way to some extent, and all it takes is time apart from the BP and self relfection.  However it's annoting and insidious.  Maybe I can just keep an eye on the criteria and do my best?

Any thoughts?

Grim
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Travis
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« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2010, 09:03:54 AM »

I have found I have lost a bit of myself dealing with my BPDw.  I just found appeasing her was easier than arguing.  All she wanted to do was argue and put me down.  I'd just end up agreeing with her (falsely) and apologizing.  Apologizing all the time for things I didn't do or simple, normal misunderstandings. 

So in other words, I was lieing, and being like a BPD just to appease her and try to have peace. 
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muddychicken
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« Reply #3 on: December 18, 2010, 09:13:53 AM »

The key to your statement is that you recognize this. Catch yourself and your thoughts, feelings, behaviors and anaylze them before you make a decision. I myself have a case of the fleas and react to others like I did to my exw and after 15 years, it's hard for this old dog to learn new tricks but I amm...it's quite liberating.
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
El Greco
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« Reply #4 on: December 18, 2010, 09:46:00 AM »

It was hard to avoid, since I used to have BPD myself.

You did?
Hell, than you're a source of information.
If you don't feel like it than I understand but what happened to you to change that, boy would I love to know.
And because of it don't you understand better than anyone how to handle these issues you have now?
Forgive me if I'm being ignorant but this is all new to me.
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grimalkin
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« Reply #5 on: December 18, 2010, 10:40:30 AM »

It was hard to avoid, since I used to have BPD myself.

You did?
Hell, than you're a source of information.
If you don't feel like it than I understand but what happened to you to change that, boy would I love to know.
And because of it don't you understand better than anyone how to handle these issues you have now?
Forgive me if I'm being ignorant but this is all new to me.

I was raised by a bipolar I, borderline mother.  I had to learn the game to survive.  I was unprepared for the non world and had a very hard time of it, especially through my teens and early 20s.  I had the advantage of seeing how controlling and hypersensitive my mother was, and was impossible to please she could be, that sprinkled with smothering love and affection.  I didn't want to be that way.  I always took things extremely personally, even if they weren't meant to be attacks, and would devalue lovers almost the moment I became involved with them, and would always, always do the leaving.  It was hell.  At least I had my mother's weird behavior to look at to help me learn how NOT to be.  I married a man who seemed to know instinctualy what to do.  He simply wouldn't engage me at all.  He wouldn't argue, didn't try to reason with me, didn't try to defend himself.  He would just wait until it was over.  This way I was simply left on my own with my bad feelings, to deal with them by myself.  Well that taught me a lot.  I also switched majors from art to Western philosophy, which forced me to learn how to think things through logically-- a real workout for the brain.

I guess I sort of grew out of it over time, and with all these factors backing me up.  Believe me, I was a wreck growing up.  I raged, felt empty, mirrored, was resentful and SOOO sensitive about everything anyone said or did.  I'm no longer like that now, just a few fleas left over from my exBPbf.  I found myself reverting somewhat to old ways of thinking and feeling (I swear sometimes I felt like I was living with my mother again).  I don't feel particularly BP overall, just a bit fleabitten.

Grim
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El Greco
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« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2010, 11:13:31 AM »

I married a man who seemed to know instinctualy what to do.  He simply wouldn't engage me at all.  He wouldn't argue, didn't try to reason with me, didn't try to defend himself.  He would just wait until it was over.  This way I was simply left on my own with my bad feelings, to deal with them by myself.  Well that taught me a lot. 

Grim

You are still married to this man?
Cause now that I learned what was going on all this time, I beat myself over the head that I should have handled it differently, I just did the defending and arguing for 4 years and now I feel guilty about that.
Part of me would like another shot at it, or go back in time, cause I loved her so much but just didn't understand.
Of course I know there's ego involved but when I think about her "new man" doing it better than me and ending up with the woman I love, well I should be bigger than that, but it makes me really sad, and than I get ashamed for feeling that way cause I still want the best for her even though I'm so angry with her.
I start crying like crazy now as I write this but I wish I was the man for her like the one you married...
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Border Crossing
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« Reply #7 on: December 18, 2010, 06:19:13 PM »

Im finding trust issues are the biggest for me. The BPD trusted maybe one family member and her doctor. If Id been thru what she's been thru maybe Id be the same. Im not allowing this rship to lead to me being mistrustful of everyone I meet. But I will be safe in future. I might get hurt in future rships but Ill have done everything I could to reduce risk.
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« Reply #8 on: December 18, 2010, 06:25:56 PM »

Quote
I wish I was the man for her like the one you married

It would not have mattered. Having a Husband doesn't allow for the necessary solution to confront the Borderline problem (which is the failure to be autonomous)- alas, the solution to this problem is acting independent and being self sufficient. Borderline personality disorder is a disorder because Borderlines follow the reward in others in order to fulfill a sense of their own "self."   They attach to those that they perceive as powerful hosts for their fulfillment.  (They wait for someone or something to come along to fulfill them and they attach to it.) Unfortunately, they dont find themselves (read: they do lose themselves) in this hosting and the search continues on for a new host. That Host is a reproduction of their initial self object fusion; i.e., Mother who exists in their psyche.

Mother did not allow for daughter to develop an independent sense of self, so the child has a desire to attach to others and please them in order to feel a sense of purpose. In other words, to exist.  The child becomes an obedient and compliant reactionary which creates a cautious and person-sheltered and protected human from the experience of autonomy. In essence, bondage.  Most of the problems with Borderline thinking is the lack of "self" without others to attach to and provide some sense of direction for them while feeling put upon and slave-like (bad) but also fearing another bad which they think is the worst alternative: abandonment.

While Borderline may appear dormant at times, it is only because your autonomy and self sufficiency is not being tested. Being a child of a Borderline creates a persona that does not act but is acted upon by others.
 
Feeling powerless and dependent on others who are more powerful (esp. money) teaches Borderlines to get what they want indirectly through another person, another "self." Because of this, many Borderlines rely on this "self" that exists in another person to fulfill them. This causes all sorts of self-sabotage and misery and they jump from relationship to relationship.

Borderlines are wanderers in life, orbiting the other "self" and when that self withdraws or gives the perception of withdrawal- the Borderline feels invisible and un-needed. Without feedback, Borderlines fear annihilation. They then begin the search for new reflecting surfaces to see themselves. They move in the direction of others (who they perceive as rewarding reflections) and away from their present relationships (that they perceived as withdrawing and unfulfillable) and they do this as though they are being seduced. When the seductive reward withdraws into reality, and away from fantasy- the Borderline feels misled, and claims that they were kidnapped in the process. Thinking this way and being a kidnap victim is the Borderline refuge from self responsibility, i.e; reality. Reality that they are an autonomous human and responsible for their own choices without blaming others.
 
Quote
I'm finding myself with a lot of BP tendencies left over from my relationship with my ex.  Yuck.  How does one get rid of them?

You must tackle your lack of direction and lack of drive for your own "self."  Where do you want to go? Does it rely on others to get you there? Confront that thought.

If you continue to re-live this important thought (that you are held captive) in elements of your unconscious, you will remain irresponsible to yourself and react to others like patrons whose good graces need to be courted.  This doesn't leave allot of self determination in the process except as a reactionary to others actions. (People are split good and bad based on those reactions.)

Follow your reward thinking and see how it is not only drawn to others for your reward but also how delicate that reward is. It cannot survive forever. Eventually, it is pulled away and withdrawn by another Human and that's when you have to find it within yourself. Borderline reward relies on another Human for fulfillment. Borderline thinking is the fantasy of being kept safe from harm- but fear and eventual bondage comes out of it when the safety is in question. The outcome of this is your attempt to control annihilation (who you think you are) and abandonment (who you want to be.) When your persona is dependent upon your interactions with a host, it’s never going to be entirely within your control. The concept of free will needs to be addressed as well as the fears concerning the expression of free will and what you suppose would happen if you just were yourself and not trying so hard to please others.

Grim, you have had an experience that has changed you for the better. Acknowledging it as a turning point in your life will spare you a deep-set depression *if* you understand that the turning point has both positive and negative consequences that came about from your decision to jump from one partner to another. The negative you have received because of your partner’s failure to support you monetarily does not mean that you will remain defeated by life forever. And the positive outcome of this does mean that the end of your wandering has occurred and you are aware of change. Namely, the painful personal growth of your self sufficiency and independence.

Many Borderlines have become so aware of what's needed that they can guide others. In time they find understanding of their own and others thought processes. I think you're one of them.  If you can transmit what you've learned to help guide others, you'll come through this turning point with great wisdom and healing.  Doing the right thing


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El Greco
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« Reply #9 on: December 18, 2010, 07:21:56 PM »

Wauw,  thank you for this 2010.
Even though I've learned most of what you're saying I'm just confused as you can imagine.
I'll get out of this just fine, just need some confirmation here and there because everything I was and knew is lost a little, just have to get it back.
Now the final question  I just have to ask grim is this: you told me about that husband handling it the right way but to my surprise I see that you are here for the same reason  we are.
Where is that husband, is he the BPD or what happened in between for you  to "cure" yourself and now ending up at the other side of the coin with the rest of us.
Forgive my being nosy but it would really help me.
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