I wish I was the man for her like the one you married
It would not have mattered. Having a Husband doesn't allow for the necessary solution to confront the Borderline problem (which is the failure to be autonomous)- alas, the solution to this problem is acting independent and being self sufficient. Borderline personality disorder is a disorder because Borderlines follow the reward in others
in order to fulfill a sense of their own "self." They attach to those that they perceive as powerful hosts for their fulfillment. (They wait for someone or something to come along to fulfill them and they attach to it.) Unfortunately, they dont find themselves (read: they do lose themselves) in this hosting and the search continues on for a new host. That Host is a reproduction of their initial self object fusion; i.e., Mother who exists in their psyche.
Mother did not allow for daughter to develop an independent sense of self, so the child has a desire to attach to others and please them in order to feel a sense of purpose. In other words, to exist. The child becomes an obedient and compliant reactionary which creates a cautious and person-sheltered and protected human from the experience of autonomy. In essence, bondage. Most of the problems with Borderline thinking is the lack of "self" without others to attach to and provide some sense of direction for them while feeling put upon and slave-like (bad) but also fearing another bad which they think is the worst alternative: abandonment.
While Borderline may appear dormant at times, it is only because your autonomy and self sufficiency is not being tested. Being a child of a Borderline creates a persona that does not act but is acted upon by others.
Feeling powerless and dependent on others who are more powerful (esp. money) teaches Borderlines to get what they want indirectly through another person, another "self." Because of this, many Borderlines rely on this "self" that exists in another person to fulfill them. This causes all sorts of self-sabotage and misery and they jump from relationship to relationship.
Borderlines are wanderers in life, orbiting the other "self" and when that self withdraws or gives the perception of withdrawal- the Borderline feels invisible and un-needed. Without feedback, Borderlines fear annihilation. They then begin the search for new reflecting surfaces to see themselves. They move in the direction of others (who they perceive as rewarding reflections) and away from their present relationships (that they perceived as withdrawing and unfulfillable) and they do this as though they are being seduced. When the seductive reward withdraws into reality, and away from fantasy- the Borderline feels misled, and claims that they were kidnapped in the process. Thinking this way and being a kidnap victim is the Borderline refuge from self responsibility, i.e; reality. Reality that they are an autonomous human and responsible for their own choices without blaming others.
I'm finding myself with a lot of BP tendencies left over from my relationship with my ex. Yuck. How does one get rid of them?
You must tackle your lack of direction and lack of drive for your own "self." Where do you want to go? Does it rely on others to get you there? Confront that thought.
If you continue to re-live this important thought (that you are held captive) in elements of your unconscious, you will remain irresponsible to yourself and react to others like patrons whose good graces need to be courted. This doesn't leave allot of self determination in the process except as a reactionary to others actions. (People are split good and bad based on those reactions.)
Follow your reward thinking and see how it is not only drawn to others for your reward but also how delicate that reward is. It cannot survive forever. Eventually, it is pulled away and withdrawn by another Human and that's when you have to find it within yourself. Borderline reward relies on another Human for fulfillment. Borderline thinking is the fantasy of being kept safe from harm- but fear and eventual bondage comes out of it when the safety is in question. The outcome of this is your attempt to control annihilation (who you think you are) and abandonment (who you want to be.) When your persona is dependent upon your interactions with a host, itâ€™s never going to be entirely within your control. The concept of free will needs to be addressed as well as the fears concerning the expression of free will and what you suppose would happen if you just were yourself and not trying so hard to please others.
Grim, you have had an experience that has changed you for the better. Acknowledging it as a turning point in your life will spare you a deep-set depression *if* you understand that the turning point has both positive and negative consequences that came about from your decision to jump from one partner to another. The negative you have received because of your partnerâ€™s failure to support you monetarily does not mean that you will remain defeated by life forever. And the positive outcome of this does mean that the end of your wandering has occurred and you are aware of change. Namely, the painful personal growth of your self sufficiency and independence.
Many Borderlines have become so aware of what's needed that they can guide others. In time they find understanding of their own and others thought processes. I think you're one of them. If you can transmit what you've learned to help guide others, you'll come through this turning point with great wisdom and healing.