"you don't want to be with me"

[Think About It...]

Glad I could put how I see things in a helpful way to you, Sharonon.  That is one of the most valuable things I have gotten from this site- various explanations and examples of things that work and don't work.  Every person is different, as is our style of learning and understanding!
God bless,
JDoe

[JDoe]

Glad I could put how I see things in a helpful way to you, Sharonon.  That is one of the most valuable things I have gotten from this site- various explanations and examples of things that work and don't work.  Every person is different, as is our style of learning and understanding!
God bless,
JDoe

[Aurylian]

My recent variation of this is:

"You don't even want me as your friend."

I never get the self recognized language where she wonders how I could want to be with someone like her.  It is always on me--as in "I'm fine, you just don't like me for some reason, so I'll just wait and be sad until you change."

This was fresh from last night.

[HardDaysNight]

"I couldn't be married to someone like me."
"I don't even like me."
"How can you put up with me if you really feel that way?"
"See--everything's my fault.  I can't do anything right.  Nobody would want to be with me."
"I wouldn't blame you if you were cheating on me.  ANYONE else is better than me."
"You'd be better off if you'd never met me."
"You'd be better off if I were dead."
"Everyone would be better off if I were dead."

Heard them all.  ..."

ding, ding, ding...although the pwbd in my life is my wife, I have gotten every one of those.  

[damask]

SFN; what it brings up for me, and about me, is my own "stuff", of which I have plenty!  The very fact that the first times I heard this from my H, before I wised up to the game of it, was how it stumped me.  That it took awhile for me to get that there was no response, it was not said as an opener to discuss our r/s problems!

I am many years down the line from that beginning, now, so when he does throw out those "bombs" (thanks for the metaphor, sharonon), I admit it, I get sort of what I call "no nonsense" in my response.  In those circumstances I am now want to say, "oh don't be ridiculous", "I don't have time for that game playing nonsense" or something equally straight forward.  Then I absolutely will not engage any further.

We have a basis for my making that kind of statement, b/c of long years together (20, this January!).  I have had many a talk w/him about trust, expecting trust, that in a long term r/s such as ours it is absolutely essential, and that I have proven myself trustworthy too many times over to even have to prove anything to him.  He had a lot of baggage in the trusting department, besides his BPD issues, b/c his ex was completely not...I think she might have been anti-social actually.  Anyway, may seem rather blunt, but it works pretty well for me! 

[stayingfornow]

I am many years down the line from that beginning, now, so when he does throw out those "bombs" (thanks for the metaphor, sharonon), I admit it, I get sort of what I call "no nonsense" in my response.  In those circumstances I am now want to say, "oh don't be ridiculous", "I don't have time for that game playing nonsense" or something equally straight forward.  Then I absolutely will not engage any further.

I have found that a good dose of "yeah, whatever" can help a great deal. This is kinda what i meant by the question. When i am in a strong frame of mind i just basically scoff at this comment (tbh that doesn't make me feel very comfortable, it feels unkind to me but that is MY problem) It is amazing how the small child can suddenly become an adult when he feels like a complete idiot. It is hard to explain b/c often this type of behaviour on my part would cause no end of dysregulation in him but when i really mean it he seems to pull himself up

[Steph]

 Has anyone asked what their partner means when they say that?


" I hear your words. I am confused. Can you help me understand why you are wondering why I want to be with you?"

there was alot of this  early on in our reconcilliation and validation...attempting to validate really opened up the intimacy.

I would get stuff like

 " I see you as so strong and I am so weak. I am really wondering why you want someone like me"

Or

" You seem to have pulled away. I am afraid you are changing your mind about us"

Or

" I guess I am wondering if this is the right move and wondering if you are, too"


Assuming I understood, or blowing it off without validation would have really been unfortunate and kept the spin going otherwise.

Steph

[LW1968]

Yep, I've asked.  It's like peeling layers off an onion. 

He says it's because he idolizes how I handle everything and knows he can't ever be like me. 

Layer #2 - I ask why he wants to be like me.  (This is an obsession of his, by the way.  I hear this nearly every day.)  He says that I do everything right and never make any mistakes.  [Wow---how more inaccurate could that be?]  He says that in comparison, I'm all good & he's all bad.

Layer #3 - I ask if he knows how much I love the fact that he is NOT me.  I try to reinforce the little things every day that help point out his individuality and separate identity.  He answers that he does not understand why it's not okay to emulate me or try to be independent.

We haven't gotten much further than this lately, but it's where the first statement always leads us.  He is still very afraid of being his own person, getting in touch with his own feelings, and setting his own goals.  It's easier to try to imitate me & adopt all of the goals I've set for myself.  He's not quite to the point of understanding the frustration he's causing himself by doing this.  It's why he's been pacing around the house a lot lately & feeling restless.

By the way, he's refusing to jot down his feelings into a journal.  Seems to be a sticking point he can't get past. 

[stayingfornow]

Yep, I've asked - i get something like "well, you're always telling me i am sh*t"

i agree about the onion bit, my bf always stops that one after x layers with "I DON'T KNOW" and then tells me i am being unreasonable and that i should leave him alone - also shouted

[damask]

Yes, I have said, "why would you even say that?"  - again the bluntish thing b/c it is so silly.  And, like your comment about them suddenly becoming adults amidst the childishness, SFN, he will say, "Sorry."  And we're done with it.  Usually.  Cause sometimes if he is on edge, he does not cotton to my attitude at all.  But at this point fortunately we have built up enough trust and history that he recognizes the truth in what I am saying, and we can usually be done with it fairly quickly.

Kind of like he is testing the waters, "one more time".  (then one more)

[JDoe]

I have asked and the response is always a motive-assigning accusation including "proof" of how selfish I am and if I want to go hang out with my family so bad, I should just move back in with my mom and Ron (her boarder who was kind to me in a strictly big-brother platonic way during the 4 days I was there this past summer (who had previously dated my SISTER, for goodness sake, which is a turn-off, but try convincing H of that!))

There is no good answer.  DH continues to be physically unable to name a single actual feeling, so he deflects, projects, and probably other things that end in -ects that are equally unhealthy and unproductive. 

Sorry.  Major dysregulation, 2 hours of sleep, too much caffiene.  End rant. 

[metaldog]

How can "you don't want to be with me" be an accusation?

It can be an observation. It can be an expression of anxiety or legitimate concern.

But to deliver it as an accusation makes no logical or semantic sense.

Anyone out there NOT lost count of how many times you have defended yourself against this "accusation"?

x

Oh yes, VERY familiar. Like you say, I've lost count.

[Newton]

I've just started seeing gf again after a 5 week separation. In the past I've had the "why would you want to be with me, I'm crap" stuff...I didn't know how to deal with this at the time.  She now seems more willing to talk about how she is feeling (or maybe I'm hearing it with more clarity) and she said this week..."do you think I'm weak and helpless?"

I replied "oh babe, why would you say something like that? It seems you might be worried that's how I see you?"

Gf replied "yeh I really worry about that sometimes, I'm a strong and capable woman though aren't I?, I'm not helpless".

I paused in a sort of stunned silence as I'm not used to having these sort of conversations with her then she started welling up and said "Sometimes in the past I've just really wanted you to feel sorry for me, thats not good is it"

is this progress...?

[Newton]

Hi Sharonon, I've read lots of your posts and found them both insightful and helpful. My gf is seeing a T, (about 8 months now) but her T "doesn't believe in labels or diagnosis"  (gf's words so taken at face value).

What I find challenging is my gf's apparent ability to be introspective and yet churn out the same sentences/reactions as she has done for the past 9 months  ?

Early days I suppose...

[RedDevil66]

My ex often said things like this at the very begining of the relationship. I chalked it up to low self esteem and would try to boost him by telling him he was great...and he was great!

Then when the oddness started, I started to put him down, critisize and always show him tension. Of course, I was not aware of why I was acting this way. His actions always stunned me, but I thought maybe it was me!

I did leave him 5 months ago for cheating, and about 2 months after I left, we had some email exchange and at one point I said to him "It's been so hard to be away from you"
and he replied "Oh really, I would have never guessed since I thought you never liked me anyway. I'm not what you want or need"

To which I replied "No, I didn't like the things you were doing and what you became, You did cheat which no one would like, and at first, you were want I wanted, then you changed"

Then he went on to lambaste himself in how he knows he was not a good guy.

Is this really a BPD thing or just a low self worth thing?

[Newton]

The T is definitely helping. Gf was an absolute mess when I met her, I set a boundary early on (thankfully backed up by gf's mum who had been trying to convince gf to see a T for 10 years prior to meeting me) that T for her (and me) was essential for our (or any) relationship to work.

My frustration is based in my gf's ability to summarize the situation perfectly in a few sentences (see recent "need to vent" post for details)...and yet resorts to her basic "I think I'm s**t so everyone thinks I'm s**t" stuff within a few sentences... Feelings = Facts I guess    ;p   

[Newton]

Hi Red Devil66, luckily to this date (as far as I'm aware), my gf has not cheated. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, I've had partners cheat on me in the past and it's been devastating for me.

I'm pretty new to this forum so my perception may be way off the mark...apologies if it is!

I think your post reminded me of articles I've read on attempts by SO's of pwBPD to attempt to fill up the "bottomless pit" of their self depreciation and low self esteem. It seems like a constant conflict in pwBPD's minds between "I need you sooo bad" vs "I'm so s**t I don't deserve anyone that good" vs "I don't need anyone to need me I'm cool" vs "I'm so s**t why do you even want me around you?" vs "f*ck you, how dare you try to know/want me" ...

I suffer from depression, but I think it's nothing compared to the black hole and self loathing my gf can climb into. Bizzare, bewildering, exhausting...just my experience and take on things.

[Newton]

Sharonon, I think your point is fair. I believe I'm currently going through the "acceptance" phase of this relationship.  I appreciate this is what she can manage at the moment, for now that is good for me. I love her and what I "get" out of this is ok for me. I think if she can tolerate the boundaries I plan to put in place (ie/ me walking away from abusive language and circular arguments)... we have a future. For now I'm changing myself, staying on this board and hoping the best for my gf and our relationship.

ps/ seeing my T for 1st time tonight after xmas break     

[sadwife37]

I just started this same thread... here is what I wrote.

Ok, I need help with this.   I know there is training material here that I need to read and learn how to deal with my BPD husband, I haven't had the chance to sit down and do it.  I don't get a lot of time alone to do anything.  He just entered the White Phase and is glued to my hip, needing lots of attention and affection.

But what I need help with is this...he just came out of his latest black mood Sunday.  He is already starting the "You don't love me"  phrases.   He started this morning with  " I know your giving up on me"   I know your getting tired of me"  "You don't love me".   Of course I can say 1 million times how wrong he is but it wont help and it could lead to another black phase...which is strange because it's too soon since the last one.

How do I handle him when he says these things?  Do I ignore him?  What?   I need advice.[/b]
Since we are all taking about this...what can I do? 

[dados76]

asking.. 'im confused.. why do you say that?' or 'why do you feel im getting tired of you?" saying that hes wrong.. like youve probably seen.. makes things worse.. not better.. bc it is invalidating.. but if you can get some kind of statement abt feelings.. thats something to practice validating.. you dont have to agree.. but w/e feelings he has.. are valid.. they are okay feelings.. even if it means hes feeling crappy.. that is ok..

[metaldog]

Sorry dados76, what does "w/e" stand for?