PERSPECTIVES: Is there a healthful way to get past the pain of a broken heart?

[gettingoverit]

I am over my xbpdgf. I would never want to be with her ever again. The only thing that keeps cropping up for me is triggers. I have been dating this fantastic woman for almost three months, and we have open communication (which is amazing), and no red flags! However sometimes she will do or say something innocently that will trigger me because my ex said that or did that. However we chat about it and I explain to her why and she seems to understand. The only thing that still keeps coming up is my anger. I am still extremely angry over the whole situation. Does that mean I am not over my ex? I'd love some feed back.

[GreenMango]

GOI,

Can you talk to your triggers with your new lady?  Or is it too new still?

GM

[gettingoverit]

GOI,

Can you talk to your triggers with your new lady?  Or is it too new still?

GM

I can. I feel like I have to explain myself all the time, and why I do, say or react the way I do. That turns into us talking about our exes a lot (Her ex was diagnosed BPD), which I know bothers her. I sometimes feel like my ex creeps into my current relationship because of all the trauma and I hate that. Does that mean I am not over her? I think I am. I would never ever ever get back together with her if that were an option..in fact I can't stand her. However I am really angry with her.

[buddhagirl]

My breakup happened in an unhealthy way in that I knew the relationship wasn't healthy and was not going to work, but I waited for him to make the final break instead of taking ownership of the breakup myself.

Once the breakup occurred, I tried to have plans as much as possible.  I got together with friends for brief periods of time and I went to movies.  I joined a couple groups that met once or twice a month so I always had those events to look forward to.

For the holidays, I did some traditional thing even if it was something I'd never done before.  On Halloween, I bought several pumpkins and carved them - that was very satisfying.  On Thanksgiving, I went to a friend's house I had never before spent Thanksgiving with and helped with the cooking.

I also read a lot of books in the beginning about unhealthy relationships, why we enter into them and how to avoid that in the future.  I've spent a lot of time reading on these boards and I also follow a board where people who have bpd talk about their issues.  It helped me to look at both sides of the bpd relationship - from a "non" perspective and also from a bpd perspective.

I spent way too much time in the beginning feeling humiliated and shamed (he hasn't been in another "romantic" relationship, but he had an emotional affair with an ex during the last year of our relationship) and obsessing about why my ex did this or that or thought this or that, or wondering what he was doing and thinking.  It took a very long time for me to begin to focus on myself and my own motivations in the relationship.

At this point I'm trying to focus solely on my needs and to move forward.  It's been a slow, painful journey, but we were together three years and it's just now a year and a half out, so I suppose it hasn't been an unreasonably long time to spend healing.

[GreenMango]

At this point I'm trying to focus solely on my needs and to move forward.  It's been a slow, painful journey, but we were together three years and it's just now a year and a half out, so I suppose it hasn't been an unreasonably long time to spend healing.

Time to heal is different for us all.  I took me about a year.  Focusing on your needs and moving forward is really positive.

-GM

[C12P21]

The only thing that still keeps coming up is my anger. I am still extremely angry over the whole situation. Does that mean I am not over my ex? I'd love some feed back.

Sounds like you have residual anger that someone treated you poorly. I haven't read your post but wonder if you have gone for T? Although we bring into each new r/s some of the issues of our former ones, if you have anger..you might want to get deeper into the anger with help and not bring it into the new one.
I think you can answer the question..are you over your ex or are you not over the hurt you experienced?
C

[bb12]

Is there a healthful way to get past the pain of a broken heart?

Who Holds the Power?

What often comes into play in breakup is the balance of power in a relationship. Who's got the upper hand? The person who leaves is viewed as the one with the power. That leaves the other party mystified and befuddled. Quite often the person who senses his partner is about to end the relationship often threatens to leave first as a bluff to see if the other party still cares. The injured party enters a hellish limbo.

For me, it all comes down to this point.
You can not have a healthy break-up when someone you loved more than anyone before them discards you and won't communicate
They hold the balance of power forever! Period.
I carry the scars of this juvenile, cruel and unnecessary end for the rest of my life
5 months of attempting to chat it out, to no avail. Simply won't acknowledge I exist. And no single thing to hang this behaviour on.
I am left confused and disoriented
Bb12

[tailspin]

bb12,

Acknowledging your existence was probably too painful for your ex to bear.  I think on some level they do get it; they know they screwed up a good thing and the shame is intense.  It's easier for them to pretend it never happened then it is to acknowledge their mistake so they just move on...start fresh and their magical thinking allows them to hope that the next "one" will be "the one" who makes it all better.  Sadly, this is the pattern they will follow the rest of their ives.

The power unbalance is also about control and control helps them to compartmentalize their life into manageable chunks.  Even though you may not think you had any power, or have any power now, you actually have all the power.  Their power is an illusion; your power comes from your strong sense of self and they will never have this. 

Confusion and disorientation are really good things right now; feeling this way will help you to see all the wonderful things about yourself that you forgot amid all the chaos and heartache.  It will force you to question everything.  It will allow you to change.  All you need is the courage to believe in yourself again 

[WallyGator]

What has really worked for me is going back to my core values, i.e. what brought me happiness, success, and significance BEFORE I met her.  This is not about going back to the person you WERE.  This experience--as full of crapola as it is--can enrich us and make us more whole than before if we feel the pain and work through it. 

My situation is a little different and offers some extra motivation.  I am a (very involved) father of two boys (ages 10-14 form a prior marriage of 20 years) and there is an unborn baby girl (due next month via the BPD girl by way of entrapment) for whom I am fighting for sole or primary custody.  This child helped to bring clarity to everything as this became about the child and not about me (or her).  And with the raising of a child, core values are a gift you bring to the table.

Just my two cents...

[Beenreplaced]

I don't know if what I did helped me get past the broken heart part as I think we have to go through the emotional pain of a broken heart, but throw in being discarded, replaced and cut off makes it so much harder.  Since we have no closure, we have to reach inside ourselves to heal and I think that will take a lot longer and is much harder to do.  For me, I worked hard to change things in my life.  Not only am I working on changing me from the inside by particpating in this board and reading as much as I can about BPD to get some understanding about this illness, but I am working hard to change my outside life. I joined a gym, take Zumba classes 6 days a week, got a new dog who I love to take on walks and have met new people in my condo complex and at the gym.  I have taken the intiative to ask people to go out and have dinner.  I think it is important to push yourself to do things and not sit around and feel sorry for youself. Believe me I had my moments but they were moments only not a way of life.  I am now starting to mentally understand the illness but I have more emotional work to do.

[bb12]

Thanks Tailspin. Your posts are always rock solid and I appreciate the kind words
I think you are right, in that we have no other option but to right ourselves. Retrieve some sense of balance by taking personal stock.
I feel a new me emerging and not the old me...and that's quite exciting. I have learned so much about people from this. And my own attachment styles and psychological make-up...potentially even the source of my attraction to these types. So in a sense I can't regret all fo this pain.
I hope you are right though, and that they do realise they screwed up. With silence, there is just too much to clutch at...that is the worse part. No answers. No inkling of what they are thinking or feeling. I just need to believe that I was important to them too, and that on some level they are feeling something toward me...even if it's shame about what they've done. I'd prefer anything to not being thought of at all!
WallyGator...spot on. I am super busy and feeling very solid about who I am and my values. Thanks!
BB12

[leftylass]

Dear C12 and Green man
      i agree that  its empowering and important to focus on ourselves to get thru pain .  admittedly we end up having no other choice if we wish to stay a float emotionally. yes the pain is mind numbing as in a struggle at times to function. As hard as it was to take phonecall that she didna want contact and for me not to call anymore as too much going on in her life that didna wish to share . was this a healthy way to end r/s ?  Definately not! I did what was requested and said I woulna call again ,gave my word as difficult as it was to do gave distance. I feel that I need to heal and look at my part in this dance, especially self inventory such as values n mores and why I was drawn to her initially. am striving to find methods to begin journey of recovering.I realize this is a process that must focus on self n not something I'm used to  doing. Am used to caring for others and putting myself on back burner. Am looking at doing for me also exercise, garner support systems,perhaps seek spirituality and therapy as well as much inner strength n determination to work thru pain as I let her go
       leftylass

[GreenMango]

Dear C12 and Green man
      i agree that  its empowering and important to focus on ourselves to get thru pain .  admittedly we end up having no other choice if we wish to stay a float emotionally. yes the pain is mind numbing as in a struggle at times to function. As hard as it was to take phonecall that she didna want contact and for me not to call anymore as too much going on in her life that didna wish to share . was this a healthy way to end r/s ?  Definately not! I did what was requested and said I woulna call again ,gave my word as difficult as it was to do gave distance. I feel that I need to heal and look at my part in this dance, especially self inventory such as values n mores and why I was drawn to her initially. am striving to find methods to begin journey of recovering.I realize this is a process that must focus on self n not something I'm used to  doing. Am used to caring for others and putting myself on back burner. Am looking at doing for me also exercise, garner support systems,perhaps seek spirituality and therapy as well as much inner strength n determination to work thru pain as I let her go
       leftylass

Lefty,

You respecting her wishes is commendable, and I know it hurts like hell to let go of someone we love.  And it is a process.  The grief that each of us here goes through, the abandonment and finally detachment can be a hard road to tread.

But, there is a light at the end of that tunnel.  You mentioned the

Am looking at doing for me also exercise, garner support systems,perhaps seek spirituality and therapy as well as much inner strength n determination to work thru pain as I let her go

I, too, found those things to be the most helpful for me.  Keep posting.

Take Care,
GM 

[leftylass]

 Dear GM
  thx tremendously for yr support you are right it hurts like hell  and yes I'll keep posting n stay near community  supports n tools to work thru pain . this is probably hardest thing Ive ever had to do yet aware a long process that I need to do to heal as we are all striving to do  again thank you take care
      Leftylass