A lock with no combination

[Think About It...]

I have been hanging around reading posts, maybe a couple of hundred or so over the past few days. What strikes me is a commonality most have. Nons come to think that the pwBPD is like a combination lock. If they want from the pwBPD what is normal to expect from any human relationship, the non has to become a safe cracker of sorts. So the non tries sets of numbers; maybe 10-14-2 gets him close but no cigar. So he analyzes it and decides the problem is 14 and tries 12. Hey, presto, it worked! The only problem is, the next day not only does 12 not work, but all the other numbers are dead, too. So, off he starts again on his safe cracking mission...and if he doesn't catch himself in time, he will be doing it for eternity.

This is what BPD is in my experience. It is an illusion to normal people that it can be solved by them by just the right words, behaviors, and situations so that both people will be happy in a normal relationship.

I remember about 7 years into my marriage realizing that I had tried every possible way I knew to reach into my spouse to make her happy and none of it ever made more than a few hours of difference even though my effort and financial commitment sometimes was measured in years. I remember also realizing that the kinder and more loving I was to her, the meaner she got towards me. It was like a brain-bending reversal of physical laws. If I did something nice for her, it pissed her off rather than making her soft. That is how the safe cracking started with me. And I see it in many posts by nons who are not as far along into the futility as I am.  

I think the folks who are involved with a pwBPD but not yet married ought to take time away to really get themselves together and measure what the experience has done to them v. for them (so many write about how rotten they feel about themselves now but never felt that way before). Before leaping into marriage with a BPD, a non can be assured of one thing in my experience. That nothing will get better, only worse. Those are the percentages and they are high.

[Fish]

I have been hanging around reading posts, maybe a couple of hundred or so over the past few days. What strikes me is a commonality most have. Nons come to think that the pwBPD is like a combination lock. If they want from the pwBPD what is normal to expect from any human relationship, the non has to become a safe cracker of sorts. So the non tries sets of numbers; maybe 10-14-2 gets him close but no cigar. So he analyzes it and decides the problem is 14 and tries 12. Hey, presto, it worked! The only problem is, the next day not only does 12 not work, but all the other numbers are dead, too. So, off he starts again on his safe cracking mission...and if he doesn't catch himself in time, he will be doing it for eternity.

This is what BPD is in my experience. It is an illusion to normal people that it can be solved by them by just the right words, behaviors, and situations so that both people will be happy in a normal relationship.

I remember about 7 years into my marriage realizing that I had tried every possible way I knew to reach into my spouse to make her happy and none of it ever made more than a few hours of difference even though my effort and financial commitment sometimes was measured in years. I remember also realizing that the kinder and more loving I was to her, the meaner she got towards me. It was like a brain-bending reversal of physical laws. If I did something nice for her, it pissed her off rather than making her soft. That is how the safe cracking started with me. And I see it in many posts by nons who are not as far along into the futility as I am.  

I think the folks who are involved with a pwBPD but not yet married ought to take time away to really get themselves together and measure what the experience has done to them v. for them (so many write about how rotten they feel about themselves now but never felt that way before). Before leaping into marriage with a BPD, a non can be assured of one thing in my experience. That nothing will get better, only worse. Those are the percentages and they are high.

[kennumber777]

Amen to that. You have just described my marriage to my BPDw. I felt so confused...why couldn't I please her?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[dados76]

hm.. i think that situation depends on a lot of stuff.. if nothing changes.. then yeah.. nothing changes.. or gets worse.. theres also a thread at the top of the board of people that are pretty happy staying.. and have seen improvements in themselves and in their SO..

my partner is a normal guy.. least hes not any more abnormal than i am BPD is just a disorder that he has.. its not WHO he is.. just something he has to deal with.. a lot more than i do really

[Sharonon]

As I see it, a BPD can't be made to act as if they are not BPD. But we can change lots about us, we the nons, particularly with regard how we look at & deal with our partners. So it does not have to get worse & it can get better than it was before we changed ,ie, understood more & acted more functionally given the nature of our partner.

Whether we can be happy with a BPD partner, that is a relevant question.

[Cameron]

An interesting analogy Fish. But I think it is important to ponder that a safe cracker can be of two different minds. One, a locksmith who is opening the safe for a price. Two, a thief who is opening the safe for a reward.

I was a thief, I wanted the perfect high that I got when I opened the safe a few times ago. Not even the last time when there was nothing there. But that time awhile ago, when it was filled with gratification. I wanted that again. I could open that safe a hundred times and just a few would I feel the glee of a well rewarded cracking. But I kept coming back no matter how many times the lock was changed.

Today I am a locksmith. I know what I will get every time I open the safe. I know in advance. No rush, no glory, no dissappointment. I tend answer few calls for such service today, I might add.