PERSPECTIVES: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

[stadtmiller]

Bargaining

I needed to be 100% convinced that he actually had a mental disorder. I researched for weeks. I kept notes and compared his behavior to those mentioned in articles. I compared the criteria for diagnosis with his behaviors. I started getting a very sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as I realized he indeed was suffering with BPD. I actually sat and wrote him a long letter. In that letter I spelled out what I would do for him. Basically I told him that I would change for him. I would never disagree with him, I would be here all the time with him. Basically I told him that I'd go along with him on anything, and not 'make waves'.  Even that wasn't enough.  He wasn't happy with me saying that I would change myself for him, for us. I was afraid to ask him to change, I was afraid he'd deny he needed to change. All I wanted was peace and his happiness.

Anger/Resentment

I still don't know how he did it but he made everything my fault. I am not a fighter, I am one that runs from confrontations.  He was the opposite, he liked that challenge. I only wanted peace. He made it impossible. After a year or more of 'sucking it up' and trying not to let his sarcasm and verbal cruelty get to me, I couldn't do it anymore and began to fight back. That's when the relationship began to deteriorate.  He would push me to limits beyond my own control until I blew up in rage. Yes, rage, I mean red-faced, crying, swearing full blown rage. OMG I have never in my life felt that before. It wasn't me. It was killing me. I began to hate myself for such a reaction. And there he'd be, cool as anything telling me I had anger management issues.

I bounced betweten bargaining and anger/resentment for almost a year. Very similar to the above post.

I am now somewhere in between depression and acceptance. Barganing is no good because you are giving up being true to yourself with barganing. I could never make it work. I always ended up angry no matter how hard I tried to not be. So acceptance is where I am now with some depression. Acceptance that I have to be true to myself first.

[Wooddragon]

I have been bargaining for the last 4 months - I tried to maintain a relationship by suggesting an open arrangement where we could see others. I wanted to believe that without the "pressure" we could have a friendship. I now realise that the stipulations i put around that proposal were designed to allow me to have the illusion that I was still "significant" to him. How can I require that from him when I don't value myself enough to leave behind a person who caused me so much damage & pain? I have spent the last fortnight on holidays at a beach house & have used the time to reflect (with lots of help from posts on here). Last night I took the first step of moving away by telling him I can't see him when I get back. Now I feel sad & empty (depression/ first step to acceptance?) & really hope I can stay strong over the next few months.

[ItsSoComplicated]

ACCEPTANCE

Where are you in the process?

I am finally in the acceptance stage after 4 years or a 5 year relationship with this BPD sufferer.  I have been trying to remove myself from this relationship for such a long time and I am depleted and tired of this life.  Moving, no contact, bargaining, etc., and he keeps pursuing me or family members.

What have you struggled with?  How might you have approached it differently?

I have accepted that the relationship is over, but the stuggle for me is separating completely.  My exf won't let me move on.  The phone calls, texts, pleading and begging just doesn't stop.  I have suffered from depression from all of this and I am finally out of that stage, but worried the constant stress could lead me back to it.  He flips from begging and wanting me, to the threats and mean texts.  I have tried no, or min. contact and if I don't reply or try to explain why I can't, he gets mean and belligerent and the next day is sorry.  I have ties with this person that don't allow me to completely get out just get.  I'm working on it, but it's hard.  I don't think I could have approached it differently.  I don't believe in regrets and I did what I did because I had to and because of feelings for this person.  I believe things happen for a reason and there are learning lessons in everything.  I could say that I wish I did this earlier, but obviously I wasn't ready to do so.

How has your perspective changed as you have gone through the stages?

My perspective has mainly changed when finally getting to the acceptance stage.  Prior to that, I went through the same feelings and repeated the other stages, but now I know that I not only need to do this for me, but for him to finally get the help and treatment he needs.

What have you struggled with?

I have struggled with the fact that I can't help him, and staying in his life even as a friend is not an option.  I have tried and it just doesn't work.

[rosebud2]

excuse me for my poor english, i just want to add something that helped me a lot during the grieving stages, when i finally had decided NC i was ready for the acceptance stage. I do feel sooo good lately ( thanks everyone!) but my "tip" is ( it helped me a lot, i have so many pictures of him and his awful mother i used to see his face through pink glasses during the denial phase ( 10 years), but since the relationship was over i could see the real expression in his face, and now i use the same pictures i first loved to look at to see through who his real ill and sad and angry look towards me ( behind the camera) is. he never has a soft or loving expression in his face he is an ill person . how blind i must have been all these ten years!

[mosaicbird]

I feel as though I'm cycling through each stage on a daily basis!    But today I fall smack dab in Bargaining, if Bargaining is where you'd gladly turn yourself into a doormat if only they'd come back. 

[TheDude]

But today I fall smack dab in Bargaining, if Bargaining is where you'd gladly turn yourself into a doormat if only they'd come back. 

I believe each stage may also have it's own stages. I won't be a doormat again, but I do leave the bargain door open by rationalizing the notion that * IF * she were to get the proper therapy (and prove it), I'd be willing to consider wandering into something with her again. Or maybe not. I dunno. I'm still working that part out. 

[mosaicbird]

Fortunately for me, I don't make a good doormat.

I think I'm afraid (?) of the idea of moving on to acceptance...   That's the fly in the ointment. When you don't want to move on, to get over, to accept. (Oh, wait.. is that part of Denial?)

[GreenMango]

But today I fall smack dab in Bargaining, if Bargaining is where you'd gladly turn yourself into a doormat if only they'd come back. 

I believe each stage may also have it's own stages. I won't be a doormat again, but I do leave the bargain door open by rationalizing the notion that * IF * she were to get the proper therapy (and prove it), I'd be willing to consider wandering into something with her again. Or maybe not. I dunno. I'm still working that part out. 

Bargaining was the worst for me.  I swear it gets easier.

[spaceace]

ACCEPTANCE

After 3+ months, I am glad to be here. In essence, it actually has been nearly 10 months. She kicked me and my children out of the house in May 2012. And we started to see each other again in July. Then the final blow was in November.

When I really put it in perspective, the last 24 months, we have only lived together as husband and wife a total of 9 months.

Looking at it like that has helped me tremendously.

Being on this board has helped as well.

[Blessed0329]

Thanks for bumping this, Green Mango.

I have finally reached ACCEPTANCE. It has been tough to get here, and I bounced around from anger, to bargaining, to depression, and back for months. I did not begin to feel better until I did what was most painful for me, pull the plug on the life support system between us, shut the door we left open as an avenue to torment each other. I deleted him from FB. He was shocked, upset, and confused, because I didn't make an announcement, I just did it. It has been three weeks ago, and I am finally feeling better, finally moving forward.

[Cimbaruns]

I am slowly working through the depression stage and into acceptance.

I totally agree with blessed0329...  
Until I pulled the plug on the lifeline that kept us going...   and I finally realized that I had to save myself...   I was constantly being subjected to all the crazy making and insanity that she delivered on a daily basis.

When enough was enough I was able to say ..STOP...   and acceptance became my savior...  

I can finally start to GRIEVE...   after 4 years and numerous recycles and much pain!

The realization ...   that I AM SO MUCH MORE...   is so freeing!

I get much strength here on these boards at times when the reality sets in...   and it makes me feel that I have many who share the same sentiments...   and that in itself makes me not feel so alone.

PEACE TO ALL 

[jason519]

Depression

Since the initial separation, it has been nine months mostly of anger and bargaining.  For years prior to the initial separation it was cycling and jumping harshly around denial, anger, bargaining, and depression.  Over the last 2+ months, it has been hoping against hope, struggling to believe, and mixed in with some brief bouts of anger and depression.  Now it is total depression.  I have given up.  Too much pain, too much repeating of the past - even though I saw her behaviors coming and stayed much calmer, kinder, and loving.  Ultimately, there were too many boundaries crossed, no consequence and no amount of patience has compelled her to step back over the boundaries and respect my values, and I cannot live without my values anymore.  And as she refuses to seek treatment, despite acknowledging her diagnosed BPD, I am left hollowed out, empty, and without any objective hope.  I guess it is more peaceful without being steeped in anger and bitterness, but this does not feel good at all.  I am relieved not to be lashing out.

This is just crushing loneliness that I have been trying for years to do something about, and that path has just led to deeper loneliness.  I am simply grieving.  Again.  The hope that was renewed I must let go of again.  I love her so very much.  Yes, I learned so much about her disorder, and my issues.  I love her deeply - all of her.  Even with the mirroring and the idealization, she is still in there.  The she that I love.  No one can help me through this or ease it for me.  She is the only person that would possibly be able to, and she cannot.  She does not want to let go, and she does not know me or 'see' me.  I cannot help her, and I cannot help her to help me.  I have too much pain and not enough strength to pave the way for her own healing.  She has too much pain, and coping by pouring it out on me disables me and the relationship.  So I must let her go, I must put this all to rest.  I do not have the strength to do so, and I am emptied out and do not have the strength to continue.  Somehow, I just have to let go, to accept. This is the death of my love, my happiness, my joy, my hope, my dreams.  This is impossible to accept or to understand.  But I have no choice.  I cannot go on hoping, trying.  I am just too weak, too broken, too exhausted, too much pain.  Unless and until I do this, I cannot move forward, though I have no hope of moving forward.  I have prayed for so long for a miracle.  I cannot even pray anymore.  Maybe this is what must be done for me to grow in faith, I do not know.  Maybe because it is my decision, I will finally mature.  I just do not understand.  Not sure I am any less forced into this decision than when we first separated.  This isn't really a 'choice'.  This is accepting what is.  It is letting go, burying and grieving the loss of love, the death of love.