DEPRESSION / ACCEPTANCE
Mixed with depression, so perhaps somewhere in the middle. Part of the whole process, I know. Way too much to deal with at first, felt like being in shock, couldn't sleep, couldn't think of anything else but 'Why?' and 'Where are you?' All the times it seemed like she was really going to stay here, and have a life together, and then the next day moving out again? There were a handful of times where this occurred, the back and forth, make ups and break ups, rages, silent treatments, she'd never apologize... I never knew about BPD, but as soon as I started reading about it, all of the 'symptoms' just seemed to fit her behavior. It really wrecked me in a lot of ways to find that this may be what is going on with her. Such a good hearted person but she's mentally ill? This isn't about her loving me or not, she's just ill and can't help it? The illness itself causes her to NOT seek real help, just more superficial, short-term, selfish types of aid? Finding out she most likely does have BPD has made me very sad, as she probably really does love me, she just can't handle it or really trust that in her life. Knowing there is nothing I can do, especially now that she has cut me off completely, is very hard to take. Even just as a friend I'd like to help her somehow.
So, I am in the 'acceptance' stage, because I have come to see the relationship is over, we would never be together again without her getting some real help. She's turned herself against me so much, how could she ever face this again? So I have been reading up on dealing with the fallout from this situation, finding a lot of help here on the boards, a lot of good suggestions and positive energy being shared, which helps to not feel so alone. I have been talking with some friends, and, perhaps not so surprisingly, finding they have similar stories of some of their own ex's. Have been working on art, meditating, trying to keep busy to help think of other things... Having to accept that I did do my best, and I did love her, and despite the times I yelled back or whatever, I have forgiven myself because it was just situational and not a part of the 'bad' patterns I see in myself. I'm not an angry person, not looking to fight with anyone, especially not the woman I'm in love with. So i knew all along that the arguments were not really due to me. She kept telling me they were, so I questioned everything there was to question, talking it out in therapy, too. The therapist said I am just dealing with the stress of a hard relationship with someone who sounded very much BPD, and that I was going through depression from it, especially after the break ups occurred. It's good to find I wasn't the main problem between she and I, but it still hurts knowing I'd played a part in it. I have been working at uncovering my own underlying issues, working on sweeping them clear if possible.
One of the hardest parts about this situation has been the feeling of helplessness, of trying and trying to help her and help the situation but not being able to when it came down to it. It seems no matter what I tried, things just got worse. That she'd then blame it all on me, and I knew it wasn't like that, just made everything seem crazier and more out of control. There was just no pleasing her, not in any lasting way. To go from such Love to telling me she Hates me now, we're never going to be friends again, leaving extra wounds behind, gone forever now... I still don't get it, and probably never will. I am at the stage where accepting means I'm letting go of things, the bad feelings, the hope of reconciliation, the relationship itself... My heart does not ever want to be without her, but my brain says it's time to move along. The advice and things I've learned from reading so many other stories here is to 'let go, move on'. It's hard, but it's in progress. Does this grieving ever end? Do these questions ever stop? That's to be seen, I guess. I feel I'll always think of her as the best I ever knew, the one that really could have worked, but also as the one that was the most complicated and painful to be with. The one that I never could have had a truly good life with, due to the effects of this mental illness. Which does stem from rotten childhoods and so much previous pain, I do believe, which just adds more sadness to the pile...
Don't see how I could have done anything differently. I was at my best with her, trying everything I could find to try. Kindness, sweetness, cooked and cleaned and all of that, paid for most everything, had her living here, held her when she was upset or hurting, listened, loved her unconditionally... I read self-help books, went to therapy, talked with friends, strangers, anyone I could find. I really went out of my way, trying to help her and our relationship. I held my tongue, and I spoke up, too. Not sure what else I could have ever done. She wouldn't even admit that she was doing anything against me, or doing anything wrong between us. Didn't ever really reach out for the help she needs. I was her lover, partner, friend, not her doctor or some miracle worker. I didn't even know about BPD until after she left this last time.
My perspective has changed in ways that leave me more clear headed and sure about myself, but also sad and distressed about what she is going through. Like a lot of people here, I thought, she's just having a bad day/ her period/ or maybe it's something I did wrong... Even though, the more I got to know her and her story, I saw there was so much there that was full of pain and resentment. She held long-time grudges against people for the smallest slights, said she never could trust anyone as the world is full of 'idiots and perverts'... Every one of her ex's, friends included, had done her wrong... My perspective has changed lately into one of looking forward more than looking back. I felt frozen, at first, thinking she'd return, thinking she'd write once she cooled down, thinking she still loved me and the silence would not last. Well, she never did. She's Gone. I find that it is better this way, overall, and my view on that gets clearer every day. I'm still in love with her, just can't see us being together the way things are. My perspective has gone from one of being with someone, a real partner to share this life with, to one of being single and alone, dealing with this breakup and trying to dust myself off and move on. I feel like i let myself down as far as following my instincts and being aware enough to not be in an abusive situation. It's taken a while to even admit that that was going on, which was part of the denial/ grieving process for sure. It hit me hard one night, realizing just how bad she had treated me, how those hurtful words really got in there and helped to break us up. How could such a sweet woman ever act like that with the one she said she loved? It's still hard to get my mind around that concept, but in looking forward, it seems to matter less and less. I have to accept, for whatever reasons, she made her choice to go be somewhere else, and can't be with me anymore. I honestly look at myself and can say I didn't make this happen, but will always have a bit of doubt as to how much I did play into it. It's something to continue looking into, if only to not have it happen again should there ever be another chance to be with someone in love. My perspective now is more hopeful, yet there's a profound sense of sadness and loss still very much attached. Still have a way to go...
I struggle with missing her. Not hearing her voice, not holding each other, being in the bed together, her smells, her ideas, her laughter... Just sitting here together, smiling, feeling in love. I miss being there for her when she's down, as I could find ways to comfort her and help her through her pains and such, some of the time. It's a struggle knowing that she's out there, telling herself and whoever else, that I am just a bad person and she's better off without me. Hard to know she's really just hurting even more now, feeling alone in the world, that someone else has not been 'trustworthy', telling herself that all the good memories she has of me are really something else... I struggle with the loss of the 'dream'. The plans we made for marriage and family and a life together. Struggle with feeling there may never be another woman I ever feel that much for, or even anything close to it. Never find someone I'd have so much in common with (although how much of that was her just mirroring me? That's a complicated subject, and extra confusing when the disengaging process is occurring. How much of who she said she was is 'real'? How much just an act? How deeply did she really love me, or not love me? Etc.) It's all a struggle, and it makes me question just how much actual progress I am making, when I feel better one minute and consumed in doubt again the next. One thing I've seen with this BPD situation, and many others would agree: It seems to be an illness that both people in the relationship end up being afflicted with. She may be the one who has it wired into her very being, but it got into me as well. It affects everything. She and I became so close, how could it not? Well, I'm still confused about a lot of this stuff, so... Still processing.