PERSPECTIVES: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

[breakingpoint]

Acceptance

Maybe mixed with a bit of sadness...but the depression has lifted with time and perspective.

I knew for quite some time before the relationship ended that it was doomed...but I hung in there. I went through Denial, Anger/Resentment and Bargaining during the final 6 months we were together. I had so much invested emotionally that I kept on trying...I was 'spinning my wheels', 'beating a dead horse'...that was the denial I suppose. I tried all I could to get things back to the way they were...or rather, they way I thought/hoped they were...that was my bargaining. I then became angry...no matter what I did...the relationship became worse and worse until it was completely unmanageable.

When it finally did end for good...I KNEW it was over for good...but I was very depressed even though I accepted it.

Time, good friends, supportive family and a terrific T have helped me to claw my way back to feeling ok about myself. As I stated above...there are still moments of sadness, and why not...I loved this man and I believed in a future with him...but the mind numbing depression has lifted.

[suzn]

Depression/Anger

   In that order. I had been fine, so I thought, since I hadn't seen or heard from her in 6 mos. One thing led to another and I was picking up her son, age 9, whom I had missed dearly, to spend time with him. He and I had been very close. It all flooded in/back with a vengence. I had no control over what happened in my head for the next 2 months. It was back to no contact but not before I could let this child know and be told by me that I loved him, and I always would, even If at some point we didn't see each other for a very long time. I wana say had it not been for him no contact would have been made again but I can't say that for sure. But I can say I'm only grieving for my son at this point. I was the one that was there for him when his anxiety rose because of her behavior and flat out I loved him as my own. I'm still dealing with the baggage of what I witnessed. I was not accustomed to anyone acting the way she did, ever. Totally out of my element, unqualified to do whatever it was to make/keep her happy. I had no idea being in her life would make her worse. I'm figuring out my role in this now with therapy. First session was today and even though I knew I was co dependant I thought I was doing well with my boundries. I mean I KNOW what not to do with normal people. However I have alot more work to do on myself. I'm extremely happy with the therapist whom is experienced in bpd.

    I'm angry though that she knew she had this problem, not when we first got together but she learned of it later. I'm angry I was left out of the loop, I mean it affected me too, my life was involved in hers, we lived together. See she doesn't want anyone to be able to point a finger at her, she's perfect. Which leads me to believe therapy isn't going that well for her. And she will NEVER change. I'm gona try not to be concerned with her anymore. How this affected me-I will always be on the lookout for people with this disorder. Some of the posts in here say everything was fine for a year. I know I'm definately emotionally invested in a year. It will be wasted energy for me to always be having to pay that close attention. Therapist doesn't want me dating for a while and I'm just fine with that. And she also said people who go through this are emotionally depleated and they can't give anything back until they heal. I have to agree, I FEEL depleated. I'm gona go to therapy, read as much as possible about things that help ME and keep coming here. First line of defense is working on boundries. Therapist also said this site was well known and she recommended it.

    I just wana say thank you for such an informative and well thought out support group site. I've learned so much with the information provided and listening to everyones stories.

[Hediditagain]

ACCEPTANCE.

Where are you in the process?

Acceptance. I accept that he is disordered and we can never have a healthy mature relationship.

I've known this man for 20 years and this was very difficult for me to accept. To realise that he has a mental illness.

Do I still love him? Yes. Will I ever be in any sort of contact with him? No. That's the way it has to be. It hurts but being with him is soul destroying and hurts even more. I cannot let him ruin my life or my daughters.

What have you struggled with?  

He discarded me like a piece of rubbish ... how can you love and care about someone and then they just walk out when you need them most?

Trust. I trusted him with both mine and my daughter lives.

My daughter asking about him and wanting to visit him. She's just turned 6.

How might you have approached it differently?

Within the first month he had a psychotic episode that had nothing to do with me but he abused via text and phone all night. I should have left then. Take note of the 

I had also left him 2 weeks earlier (prior to him discarding me) and I should not have recycled back in for the umpteenth time. I should have had more self respect for myself and my daughter. I should have listened to my head and not my heart.

How has your perspective changed as you have gone through the stages?
I swing through my own emotions but I also swing on a pendulum about how I feel about him. Sometime's I feel sorry for him. He can't help it and as he told me once 'that's just the way I am' and it was the truth. Then someday's I feel angry and want to hurt him back. I think I am past this now as I regain control over my emotions I can logically put it all into perspective and realise that this is the best for all of us including him. My situation could have been much worse than it is this time around. I am proud of myself that I did put some small boudnaries in place and didn't move in with him when he wanted and I also didn't make the financial investments that he wanted - he would have ruined me financially - no doubt. I have worked my whole life to have a comfortable life.

What have you struggled with?

Probably all the stages but being discarded was the most hurtful and acceptance of his PD. I didn't want it to be this ... I wanted him to be able to be fixed. He can be the most beautiful and funny man on the planet but he can also be the meanest and nastiest person I have ever come across in my life.

Thanks for listening. That was quite cathartic

[hurt.former.friend]

When my best friend started violating boundaries intentionally, I was in denial for at least a year.  I tried to help her get back to "normal"

When she married my brother and spread lies about me I was "angry" for about a year.

When I missed my brother and the rest of my family who all saw me as being the one with the problem, I tried "barganing."  This sent me into several years of repeating this cycle:  denial, anger, bargain.

Last week my therapist suggested my former friend is BPD and it all made sense.  I am now giving up on trying to make things work, which has me depressed because I now know my family will never be the way my parents want it to me.  But, I also have accepatance that it is not my problem to fix.  It is not my burden to bear.  And, I will NOT allow this woman to hurt me any more.

Thank you so much for this board and the help you provide people like me.  I feel like I am getting my life back, but I worry about my brother and what he must be dealing with on his own. 

[hard2bhopeful]

                                                                                           Bargaining/Depression/Acceptance


I find I vacillate a lot.  Perhaps because this is my daughter - part of me can't let go, but I did learn from one of my fellow Al-Anon members who has know me for years and has seen me raise my daughter that I am not leaving her or abandoning her - I am detaching with love from her illness - not from the love I will always have for my daughter. 
I think when I look at the toll it takes on the rest of my family and the love and devotion and support I get from my husband, parents, sister and step-kids I realize I won't be any good to anyone if I'm not healthy...taking care of me is more important so that I can be healthy for the rest of my family.

The whole process is very difficult.

[JustSaying]

ACCEPTANCE

She's in Denial. I'm trying to navigate that chasm.

I could have her walk out the door today and not have any regrets. I could go NC right now and not care, be/c I've done all I can and it didn't work. I get as close as I can to NC now while still being in the same house.

D wouldn't have any regrets either if her mom left to her own place. She's ready to establish that sort of "new normal".

uBPDw, on the other hand, would have a big crash. Delicate path to navigate.

What have you struggled with?

Trying to finesse things so that she will see its in her best interest to live other than with me. She says often that she feels competitive with me for D's affection. If she had her own place, then the times D is with her she'd be free of that competitive feeling...such a lovely vision I paint, huh? Ha ha.

She's paralyzed by the thought of having to make decisions for herself, so I'm sure that no benefit is worth the anxiety of having to make her own choices and manage her own place and life. I don't know how to overcome this resistance short of just pulling the plug.

[Crystal Ball]

ACCEPTANCE

Where are you in the process?   I accept:  he has a mental disorder and that he will not change, that it's "over" and was unhealthy for me (and not to go back).  I also accept my responsibilites and errors in the relationship and put my focus on me and resolving those issues. 

What have you struggled with?  Once my T heard my story, he immediately said it's BPD and recommended I "Run like hell" (my xbf was in the midst of selling his house to move to my state to get married).  T also said that when I broke it off to not argue with him and "take the blame".  By doing that, it'd be easier on my xbf and he'd paint me black so I'd have a better chance of him leaving me alone.  I didn't know anything about BPD at the time, so I followed my T's advice and that's what I did.  I'm an honest and upfront person, so leaving the relationship in that manner feels like a lie, a cop-out, even if it was an effort to make it easier on him.

How might you have approached it differently?  Tell him the truth... that I think he has BPD and he needs help.  I know they say it's best not to tell a pwBPD that you think they have it, but it sure doesn't feel right to me.   

How has your perspective changed as you have gone through the stages?  That I can see my xbf as a sick, mentally disturbed man instead of the illusion of the 'man of my dreams'.  I've gone from desparately wanting to save him to learning I can only save myself.  Even with all the heartache and pain, I'm thankful for this relationship which made me aware of what my issues are and pinpointed them instead of floundering around in T not knowing what to address.

[Upnorth]

ACCEPTANCE


Denial

From very early. But I did recognize some red flags, which made me set a time limit of how long I would keep trying before bringing up the matter about the future of the  R/s. I mostly ignored that she seemed very little interested in working on improving the relation - "If it is real love then keeping up the relation should not be a chore".

Bargaining

I tried hard to make it work. I sacrificed several parts of myself that matters to me. But since I fortunately had seen some red flags, I did not totally loose myself. 

Anger

At the end I was angry. That she had not cared about working with the bad signs that showed up early. Angry that she had hurt me so much and even put the blame on me for it.


Depression

I felt so powerless, I had tried as much as I could, but the R/S was like standing on a slippery slope, gradually sliding towards the bottom with no way to stop it. I got depressed by seeing all the good potential in our R/S ruined. Afterwards I missed the all the good things we had. Feeling lost, unable to ever again form a  lasting relationship.

Acceptance

Really came last week. I suddenly did not miss her strongly anymore. Now I only miss our r/s in the same nostalgic way I miss good parts I have had in my other past r/s. That feeling coincided with some other good news. My neck injury I struggled with last year was finally fully healed. A health check showed I was in excellent condition, I got big positive boost at my job and I started to do something I have wanted for several years - take tango lessons. I feel more alive and vibrant than I have ever felt on my own before - it feels just like during the intense phase of being in love.     
 

[chad_sketch]

Depression   

What have you struggled with?  How might you have approached it differently?

Denial comes to me in waves. I'll sit, in my own head, and think of things as a normal relationship. I sometimes think of my ex as two people. There's the sweetest most loving girl I've known, and then there's the cold-eyed thing that would have done anything to get away from me. I spent a long time in the honeymoon stage, or so it seemed, and I fooled myself into letting go of thoughts of her nasty little passive-aggressive behaviors. I sometimes struggle with perspective in this. I was aware she had problems, but not this severe, and nothing I thought that would cause her to do anything like this. I never imagined a world where we wouldn't be in each other's lives. A break up? Sure. A death? It happens. I was arrogant enough to think that I could handle any eventuality, but mental illness is the one thing I was unprepared for.

Bargaining is a stage that seems to the the stage I have fallen back into over and over. It's very difficult to accept that the person I loved and thought I knew is disordered and isn't seeking, or supported in, seeking help. Reading about BPD has been a double edged sword in this respect. I needed to know why things happened the way they did, but I end up musing over the information, wishing I could make some sort of positive difference in her (and hr sisters) life. I lost both of them in this situation, and I've heard/seen enough to realize that their mom is a pwBPD, who abused them both, but I realize this information will be unwelcome and useless, considering the source and the denial involved. 

I have, without realizing what I was doing, had long conversations in my head with her and her sister about the disorder. I miss them both and I can't do anything about it. That sense of responsibility is hard to get over. My ex made me responsible for her happiness so very quickly, and then pulled the rug from underneath me. I've found it hard to focus on myself.

I think that accepting that the information that I learned about BPD is only useful for my own understanding, and not to help her, is difficult, but necessary.

I have some low burning anger that seethes in me from time to time. Mostly about the unfairness of the situation, sometimes at her mother, very rarely at her. I try not to get stuck here, I think anger is healthy and natural, but I find it difficult to point at a disordered family. I've been attempting to sublimate my anger through exercise. I should have started this earlier.

How has your perspective changed as you have gone through the stages?

The pain is fading in some ways. At least it's mostly bearable most of the time. I started off desperately trying to help my ex, to get her information about what was happening to her, to try to get her in a situation that was more healthy. It was wasted time and energy.

I started off feeling that I couldn't live without her. Now I'm finding that I will live, so I better make the most of it, even if I'm unhappy.

The "thoughts that get you stuck" section of the articles mention that the borderline in your life experienced the relationship in a very different way than you did. I know this to be true, but it hurts my feelings that things I did "for her" may have been for me, and are resented now. It's a very confusing place to be. I can't reminisce about the good times, because I'm afraid that they weren't good for her, that she sold herself into slavery with me and I didn't realize it, and she hated me for it at times. Accepting this is what I'm working on now. I feel like it wasn't so much of a relationship, but a one-night stand with a stranger that lasted a year.   

What have you struggled with?

Everything. Seriously. I couldn't function properly at first, and now, while I feel somewhat better, I'm still lost in feeling like nothing is right in the world without her. I don't find any comfort in human touch. I have a friend that's been trying to help me and keep me happier, and she tries to hold me and it dies nothing to help. My body reacts automatically: that's not her. The same goes with everything else. I shared my life with my ex. When I do get excited or happy these days I automatically want to tell her about it. I tell myself that there's a future without feeling this way.

I cry a lot. I don't think I've cried over anything like this. I haven't cried like this since I was a baby. I've cried almost every day of three months. I don't feel embarrassed over it, but it makes conversation sort of difficult. My friends have been supportive, but no one seems to understand why I'm so slow to recover.

[clairedair]

Haven't got time to write more fully just now but wanted to make two points:

1. Grief Stages interrupted by repeated reconciliation
I'd find it hard to answer your poll because the relationship has 'ended' so many times that I've been through various stages several times.  This time we're divorcing but even now I'm not convinced that he won't change his mind - is this 'denial' (ie expecting he'll be back) or a belief based on previous experience?

2. 'Permission' to grieve more likely to be given by others when it's a death not divorce
the other point I wanted to make related to the comparision with stages of grief following death - the reason I opened this post was becuase I have felt unable to openly grieve the loss of my marriage because many others seem to think that it should be a relief and find it strange that I would want to read letters before putting them away; look at photos etc.  Yes, I feel hurt and very angry but I still feel a great loss, even it if turns out to be the loss of an illusion, it's still a deep loss.

Looking forward to reading others' responses
Clairedair

[bb12]

BARGAINING / ACCEPTANCE

I can find myself very at peace with the fact that it is over, but have trouble accepting we can't be friends.
But then I remember, that friendships requires empathy, giving, reciprocity, availability, consistency. A pwBPD can do none of those things.
Any friendship I accept would be a diminished version of one I would accept, so it is impossible.
I think I have been bargaining for that, and now going through a second depression as I come to realise that even that is impossible and that this person will never be part of my life again.

BB12

[BPD Magnet 1]

BARGAINING


   I am going round and round in my head.I am thinking of different ways to make her love me and accept me the way i am.Not what she tells everyone i am.

  So i go round and round making these crazy plans in my head.I wanna send roses,send gifts and all kinds of crazy ideas..

  Instead i just stay NC and die on the inside...

[GreenMango]

BPD Magnet 1,

I found Bargaining to be the worst for me, like a beast.  It took me awhile to wrap my head around it later, but here's my thoughts on this stage.

I felt like this is the stage where much of the "recycling" in my relationship happened and it was also when NC was the hardest.  Bargaining seems like a opportunity to control or influence a very hurtful situation into not being as hurtful.  It was when I would entertain some of my most irrational and minimizing thoughts putting myself at a detriment.

Be kind to yourself,
GM

[BPD Magnet 1]

BPD Magnet 1,

I found Bargaining to be the worst for me, like a beast.  It took me awhile to wrap my head around it later, but here's my thoughts on this stage.

I felt like this is the stage where much of the "recycling" in my relationship happened and it was also when NC was the hardest.  Bargaining seems like a opportunity to control or influence a very hurtful situation into not being as hurtful.  It was when I would entertain some of my most irrational and minimizing thoughts putting myself at a detriment.

Be kind to yourself,
GM

You are correct.This stage here is ROUGH.I got all kinds of fantacies going on in my head.And the NC is getting tougher and tougher.I got all kinds of romantic fantasies playing out in my head too.Almost like these ''honeymoon'' fantacies''.This stage is a tough one.My ''T'' told me to leave it alone yesterday and stay NC...errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[doubleAries]

Endless loop of BARGAINING/DEPRESSION

Where are you in the process?
For 17 years I am trapped in the bargaining process, and when it reaches utter hopelessness/depression, then I start over. I think sometimes I feel I am doing all of them at the same time--except "acceptance".   

What have you struggled with?  How might you have approached it differently?
Now there's the $64,000 question. I don't know what to do instead. I keep believing "I haven't tried everything--it must be my fault ultimately. It takes 2 to tango and if it isn't working, it has to be equally my fault".

How has your perspective changed as you have gone through the stages?
Haven't completed them (acceptance). The alleged r/s still exists. I am ripped to shreds and utterly defeated. Embarrassed at my inability to get out of it and off this horrendous treadmill. i cannot for the life of me figure out why I am still doing this--yet continue doing it.

What have you struggled with?Still struggling. Mostly with "why do i think i deserve this? it doesn't SEEM like I think i deserve it, but I must, because i'm still here".

[doubleAries]

Greatly relieved to say I have finally reached the "acceptance" stage. Tiniest bit of slipping back into depression stage, but very rarely!

I moved out last Saturday into a rental and gave my husband 6 months to find another job (we co-own a business and I have to buy him out) and another place to live. I can hardly believe how good I feel about fixing my new place up--even if it's only temporary. I must look like an idiot in the store---giddy with excitement over buying dish sponges, trash bags, can openers and the like. But it's been so long since I took care of my own self that I'm like a little kid on Christmas eve. I am acutely aware that each item I am buying symbolizes independence and caring for self. I am also acutely aware that my stbxh will also now have the opportunity to become self responsible without me smothering him with all my codependent "help", and that even though he is very scared, he will thrive as well.

This is SOOOOOO preferable to endless bargaining!

[GreenMango]

Good hear planning for this new move is exciting.  It does sound a lot like acceptance.  Being able to see joy again. 

[doubleAries]

Thanks, GreenMango! 
I think the BIG acceptance moment for me (which is still happening) was in a session with my T a few days ago---I was explaining that one of the things that has been hurtful to me over the past 17 or 18 years with my husband was that he'd call his old college friends and be cheerful, open, talkative and excited. But had very little to say to me and was extremely defensive. My T asked "how often does he call these old college friends?" and the AHA moment came--less than once a year. T pointed out husband (he is also husbands T) is capable of imitating--perhaps even actually feeling--social skills, but very infrequently. And an intimate relationship requires genuine, sincere emotional interaction--every day. Husband is bipolar 1 (mixed) with psychotic features, ASPD, and NPD (driven by the bipolar). While his amazing treatment has helped him overcome severe adversity (most people with major mental illness can't even work), he is still a person battling major mental illness. It's not that he WON'T interact on an intimate level--it's that he CAN'T. And doesn't even know he can't or what it is that he "can't".

This realization basically melted the big bag of resent,ent I have been lugging around for so long. In fact, I even feel a bit sheepish putting this pressure on him for so long. Once again, I discover that I am the architect of my own misery.

Which is encouraging--THAT'S something I can change/do something about! 

[GreenMango]

I've read here an another post a member said something to the effect that the disorder is the closure.  So simple yet so powerful.  Somethings we can't change and accepting it instead of fighting it was a relief for me too.

Keep moving forward.  It's sounds like a brighter, happier place in store for you.

[OTH]

Disorder is the closure. Good stuff 

I've read here an another post a member said something to the effect that the disorder is the closure.  So simple yet so powerful.  Somethings we can't change and accepting it instead of fighting it was a relief for me too.

Keep moving forward.  It's sounds like a brighter, happier place in store for you.