What Have You Learned? [Testimonials]

[Think About It...]

We're all at our own levels here, as far as where we are in the detaching/ healing process. I am wondering what some of you have learned, so far, from the experience. Something positive. Something good about yourself, how to be better people from now on, how you've untangles something from your past... Whatever you'd care to share.

I'm still sad, and I'm still questioning things. I've learned, though, that I am a compassionate person, a loving person, and someone who helps a friend as best I can. Not that I didn't know this before, but, it's been a very trying situation with my BPD ex, I've been tested by the fires as so many of you have, and yet I see that I stuck it out. Partially due to not wanting to be alone, to believing in love so much, and falling for the hooks and illusions, sure. But in large part, I find, looking back, I was really trying to help her have a better life. A real friend she could count on. Someone who said they loved her and meant it. Was I played? Sure, in some ways. It's in the nature of this disorder. Not even that she did it intentionally, but, it's what happens. When it came down to it, though, I did my best and then some. I've learned that I can be proud of myself for that. That I forgive her for being who and how she is, and I am learning to forgive myself for acting/reacting badly with her, as well. I've learned the hard lesson that love is not enough. It takes real human effort to help a relationship flourish, on both sides. I've learned, again, that if one has a problem, both do.

[myself]

We're all at our own levels here, as far as where we are in the detaching/ healing process. I am wondering what some of you have learned, so far, from the experience. Something positive. Something good about yourself, how to be better people from now on, how you've untangles something from your past... Whatever you'd care to share.

I'm still sad, and I'm still questioning things. I've learned, though, that I am a compassionate person, a loving person, and someone who helps a friend as best I can. Not that I didn't know this before, but, it's been a very trying situation with my BPD ex, I've been tested by the fires as so many of you have, and yet I see that I stuck it out. Partially due to not wanting to be alone, to believing in love so much, and falling for the hooks and illusions, sure. But in large part, I find, looking back, I was really trying to help her have a better life. A real friend she could count on. Someone who said they loved her and meant it. Was I played? Sure, in some ways. It's in the nature of this disorder. Not even that she did it intentionally, but, it's what happens. When it came down to it, though, I did my best and then some. I've learned that I can be proud of myself for that. That I forgive her for being who and how she is, and I am learning to forgive myself for acting/reacting badly with her, as well. I've learned the hard lesson that love is not enough. It takes real human effort to help a relationship flourish, on both sides. I've learned, again, that if one has a problem, both do.

[orillia]

I've learned that if you don't take the time to heal, ALONE, after a bad relationship, you will end up in another unhealthy one!

[ArtistGuy70]

I've learned...

1. I don't NEED a romantic partner to be happy
2. I am stronger than I thought
3. I never needed her for my artwork or vision
4. I am more realistic about relationships and the world
5. I learned to start listening to my gut feelings
6. I learned not to be so believable and to watch for red flags
7. I learned to not avoid things just to keep the peace if it's something important

[Mystic]

I didn't write this, but it sums it up:

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity,you stop dead in your tracks and somewherethe voice inside your head cries out...
 
ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.  Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum,you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
 
This is your awakening.
 
You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness,safety, and security to magically appear over the next horizon.
 
You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...
 
and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.  You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
 
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.
 
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you -and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
 
You learn that people don't always say what they mean nor mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you.
 
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
 
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment are born of forgiveness.
 
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown,or should never have bought into to begin with.
 
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
 
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
 
You learn that you don't know everything, and it's not your job to save the world.  You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
 
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be.You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
 
You stop trying to control situations and outcomes.You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
 
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty, and so you take more time to rest.
 
And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul.So you take more time to laugh and to play.
 
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
 
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
 
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone,and that it's OKAY to risk asking for help.
 
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
 
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people...and you learn not to always take it personally.
 
You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening.
 
You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls You learn that negative feelings such as anger,envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
 
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed,a long hot shower.
 
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.
 
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
 
You understand that nobody can love as you do or give themselves as you do.
 
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand,you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want.. to live as best you can.
 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Skip]

The above work (in blue) was written by Denise M. "sonny" Carroll.  It is entitled "The Awakening  (A Time Comes In Your Life)  My understanding is that this is published in the Alcoholics Anonymous "Big Book".  The author wrote 3 pieces, The Awakening, Awakening and Acceptance, Awakening to Self-Love


A few things that I've hopefully learned:

• the NIH published a report that 25% of the US population is suffering from a mental illness each day - that means 1 out of 4 people are probably not in an emotionally healthy state for starting a relationship (including us)

• good mental health means making hard choices and at times taking the disciplined fork in the road, rather than the "feeling/desires" road - it may hurt for now - but it will hurt less in the long run

• before we blame our partner for the relationship failures, we need to look at ourselves - are we leading the relationship in a substantially healthy direction - or are we floundering ourselves

• relationships built on selfishness don't do well - be it our partners selfishness or our own - relationships need to be built on giving

• giving is not giving what we see as important, but understanding what is important to our partner and to the relationship and giving that

• if what our partner wants is fundamentally unhealthy things and is not willing to embrace change and try to grow together in a healthy direction - we can't change them - we can only respect who they are, and respect who we are, and move on

• our failure to act in healthy ways is not caused by other people - it is caused by us

• only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.

• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night (just curious if anyone is reading

Interesting exercise.  Thanks.

Skippy

[Mystic]

Most of all I learned that words and promises mean nothing.  The only true measure of character is shown in actions and consistency of behavior over time.  You can learn a lot about a person by really looking closely at their life and relationship history.  

And if they talk smack about every ex partner or spouse, big red flag.  You'll be next. 

[thisblonde]

What I learned most was a new way of thinking about...well almost everything I do in life. Besides all the education on BPD, him, me, etc. , I had to embrace a new concept, one that went against everything I thought I knew.  

It's this: there are 2 sides to every belief and action.  To understand that every good quality I have can be used in a destructive way, unless I can manage my emotions better.  And to understand that that management must come from a place of emotional health in order to manage them well.  

When I first went into T, it was session after session on building my portfolio of all the GOOD things about me.  My list of what makes me...well, me.  

Then came the "not so good" traits list.  I defended to the end that there is nothing on the first list that belonged on the second list.  I refused to accept that anything Good or Great about me could ever be considered Wrong (as in the actions, not the person), or not so good.  

But...that changed over the course of therapy.

We talk of being SO tolerant, compassionate, strong (as in committed no matter how bad things are), etc.  and those are ALL good qualities, BUT ONLY if they are used appropriately.   Otherwise they are good qualities used in the wrong way, which will bring about painful results.  

I never, ever, had examined how my good qualities could be used BY ME in a self destructive, sabotaging way.  I was forced to examine them as both GOOD and NOT SO GOOD, depending on how I used them.  That was so new to me.  I just thought that every GOOD quality could never be considered BAD.  My T explained that those qualities are not considered BAD, they just can be used in the WRONG way, in which the results will be BAD.   That was a real eye opening lesson for me.   A new lesson in thinking, being mindful in the moment... of MY actions, my motivations for doing what I was doing at the time, and being realistic about possible outcomes.  

Beyond that, I think the next revelation was more about manifesting what I want in my life by directing my thoughts and actions.  Retraining my mind, using discipline to stay within my plan, etc.  It was a time a huge personal growth.   Real life lessons, not just BPD, or r/s eduction, but things that applied to my life as a whole.

[Crystal Ball]

I’ve learned that I have to love myself and feel my importance from within.  Those gifts I have to give myself and not look towards someone else to fill my needs.

[Iguana]

I have learned what 'true' love is and is not.
I have learned to find joy and happiness internally and not look for someone else to provide it
I have learned patience.
I have learned self-control
I have learned long suffering.
I have learned to be a kinder person.
I have learned that this struggle and pain were not in vain and I am a better man for it.

[Im done]

I have learned…

That I should never have sex with someone until I get to know them better, as it only clouds my judgement.

That if you really want to know what a person is all about and what their character truly is, put in an imaginary set of earplugs for a week and don’t listen to what they’re saying - watch only their actions

That I should never date an alcoholic, a drug addict, or anyone with more problems than I have.

That I am REALLY not responsible for fixing someone else.  (That was a big one.)

That I am responsible for my own life, my own health, and my own happiness.

What my values are, and what I want and don’t want in a relationship partner.

That I should see things as they truly are, trust my gut instinct and not try to put a “spin” on reality to make it conform to what I want to see.

That I am a worthy person, just by virtue of existing.

That I am so much stronger than I thought I was.

That I really like myself.  I am my own best friend, and I don’t need the validation of another person to feel that I am worthy.  I will never again apologize for who I am.

That I am worthy of respect, compassion, dignity and courtesy.

[seeking balance]

Great Topic Myself!

What have I learned:
1. Fairy tails belong with Disney - life is difficult and sometimes unfair; no prince/princess is going to swoop in and save the day.  Having happiness and quality life takes work, discipline and gratitude.
2. I am amazingly strong.  Sometimes the greatest strength is knowing when to be vulnerable and ask for help from someone who has proven to be trustworthy.
3. Sometimes we must endure the pain, sit in it - to fully move through to the other side.  Shortcutting the process will likely result in even more problems.
4. People are amazing - the kindness of others is everywhere if I just open my eyes.
5. Radical Acceptance of the moment.
6. I might fail, but that doesn't make me a bad person - it makes me human.
7. BPD is a mental illness - it isn't like having a cold.  It is real and demonizing a person with this illness doesn't help anything.
8. patience, tolerance, gratitude - for myself and others.
9. Feelings are not facts - facts are facts

[ve01603]

I had to learn the hard way that it doesn't matter what someone does for a living ( I was impressed because he was a doctor), what matters is how they treat you.

[El Castor]

I've learnt about my own problem: codependancy, which I am working on.  

[whydoIcare]

I have not been posting for a couple weeks after a few months on this site. Reality is I have moved on, getting on with life and given up on introspection. It’s over and is time to start living again! Frankly it feels good. So two reasons for this the ‘final post’ – firstly to thank the people who run the site and those members who have provided invaluable support – listening to other men and women’s near identical experiences and ways of coping has just about kept me sane. A very BIG thank you. It’s good to know you are not alone.

Secondly my DIY survival guide for coming out of a relationship with a BPD ex partner. Maybe not for everyone, but this is kinda what I did and it got me through a very painful and messy part of my life.

1.   Always remember, however lonely and hurt you feel, it can only get better. Time is a great healer. As the saying goes; the worst day in your life only lasts 24 hours!
2.   Try not to be bitter. However badly you have been treated accept it is an illness, not entirely their fault, and remember however hard it is for you to cope, your BPD ex is probably deep-down, in much more pain than you could ever anticipate.
3.   Don’t seek or fantasize about revenge. It does not help because you are rationalizing the pain they caused you as if he/she were ‘normal’. Accept BPDs are not normal and you are half-way to getting over it.
4.   Be honest with yourself. Do not put hope in front of common-sense and experience. If you are being ‘recycled’ you know it inside. Be honest with yourself.
5.   Do not over-analyze and relive conversations with your ex. It does not help. My downfall for a while was thinking – ‘what if I had said / done things differently?’ It is SELF INFLICTED torture. Don’t do it. My new rationale when occasionally tempted to do this is to think ‘what if I had said / done things differently? – Then I may still be stuck in that awful unhealthy destructive relationship, thank God I did not think differently!’
6.   When you miss your ex, when that pit of stomach desire for what it was like at the beginning creeps up on you, think about and focus on the worst moments. When they hurt you, lied to you, when you found out about an affair or when they just made you feel small.
7.   Talk to your friends / family as much as you can. Bore them with it. Getting stuff out helps. And there are occasional gems of advice from the most unexpected sources. I keep my octogenarian fathers Yorkshire plain speaking words in my head as they are correct and make me laugh. He said ‘Son you just found a wrong ‘un. Go and find a nice girl instead.’ Thanks Dad you know how to simplify things!
8.   Banish demons. Visit the old haunts where you hung out with your ex. The bars and restaurants, the walks etc. Don’t let them become significant, they are just places with tables and chairs.
9.   Celebrate your strength. You are coming through a truly horrible life experience, but you are doing it yourself because you are strong and because you are taking control. Celebrate small personal victories – the good days. Don’t worry about the bad days. Keep reminding yourself that it is going to get easier. It will.
10.   Forgive yourself and forgive your ex. You made a mistake and fooled yourself into believing your relationship could work. Forgive yourself for wanting to believe, despite all the negative experiences you lived through, for not being strong enough to get out when you should have. It’s human to make mistakes and to want to believe in the people we love. Forgive your ex because they do not know what they have done. It’s forgivable!

Best of luck to everyone. And thanks again.

WhyDoICare 
- actually I don’t care anymore! At least not about the ex!

[Serena_S]

I think I will print this out and hang it up somewhere.

Thank you for sharing!

[The Ride]

I've learned that just when I thought I knew it all, there is alot about life, people, relationships and myself that I didn't know.  It's pretty scarey being 40 years old and realizing that some personal issues are not resolved.  And this may be keeping me stuck and choosing unhealthy people because I may be unhealthy myself (codependency).  I had to take a step back and look at my past relationships objectively and realize that I have a habit, if you will, of choosing people with major issues.  Like alcoholism, narcissism, BPD...you name it.  If you put 20 men in a room, I without even knowing them at all, would pick a dysfunctional one.  Weird, so I'm now looking deep inside myself to figure out why this is a pattern for me.  Great thread btw.

[Overcomingbpd]

For me this has been a heck of a ride I hope I never repeat but I learned a lot. I learned boundaries are more important than I ever knew. Before BP I was a live and let live person. I had my boundaries but other people were not held to my standards. If someone had different boundaries I just let it go. Now my boundaries matter. I choose not to be around people who won't respect my boundaries.

I learned what other people think of me is none of my business. I still want to be liked but not at the risk of losing me. Some people will hate or be mean to you and its ok just to walk away. Don't try to figure out why or convince them your a nice person. If they can't see that move on.

I learned who my real friends are. Most of them were running for the hills when the madness broke loose. I am stronger than I ever knew, this almost broke me, but it didn't. I am proud of that.

I am learning to trust my judgement. I knew this marriage was hopeless a year ago, but I didn't trust me enough to move on.

I am learning sometimes walking away from a bad r/s takes more strength and courage than staying for the fight and trying to win a losing battle.

It has taught me to quit putting me last. If I am not ok I can't take care of others. My feelings and needs are just as important as everyone else's.

It taught me you can only change yourself. You can't love someone well, or make someone do right because it is right.You can't make people seek help or take their meds. And thats not even my job, my job is me. I can be supportive for those wanting to get well as long as good boundaries are in place but all I can fix is me.

I have learned a lot.   

[breakingpoint]

It taught me that when someone 'shows' you who they are...believe them.

[ravill]

Such great posts. Very inspiring.

Raf

[AwareNow]

This is perhaps one of the most poignant posts on this entire site.

We spend countless hours examining the why's and wherefores of our mates, their unexplained behavior, irrationality and vengeance only to come up empty handed time and time again.

The most revealing question to ponder is, "How and what did I do to get here?" Anyone who has been in this forum for any length of time realizes that yes, we too had a part in this dysfunctional dance. Most of us did so 'unconsciously' but the ramifications are the same, verbal/emotional abuse, undeserved anger, threats, demeaned self esteem and a profound sense of loneliness and confusion. Not a pretty picture.

However, as the saying goes, "You can't put the genie back in the bottle" and once we are involved/stuck in this type of relationship it's time for emotional/mental triage. This is  a dangerous vortex that spins faster and faster sucking you to the very bottom and beyond. It's a helpless and scary feeling to realize that the person who sleeps next to you, is unpredictable at best and that you must monitor your thoughts, feelings and opinions (In other words, be something and someone you're not) to placate the insatiable demands of someone who is not whole. It's impossible.

This is perhaps one of the most difficult journeys of our adult life as bonds and years of 'connectedness' cannot  just be undone on a whim and all too often, children are also in the mix complicating matters to the ninth degree. The only way out is 'through' and there will be pain and loss along the way. However, the alternative is unacceptable. One step at time being completely honest and open to the discoveries along the way. It will not be pretty but a new life sans this misery awaits at the other end if we have the courage to be determined to find it.