POLL: How strong is your inner critic?

[Think About It...]

Thank you B & W for the breakdown..  I was never told that out loud or critized in that respect growing up but I remember my dad's comparisons and how important looks were in his dialog.

I've been told all my life how pretty I am but my sister or others that were even more stunning, were focused on and the attention went to them instead of me for the wrong reasons.

I am glad I was raised alone with my mom being her only child but when I would visit my dad and siblings, I always felt like there was a lot of love towards me but the trophe went to lil sister..
and I never blamed her or loved her any less.  I knew it was from my dad and she had nothing to do with it...

Even after my dad got older and depended on me for everything..  He put me on a pedestal, but I still seen that way of him looking at me in his eyes...like'  
;'yeah, your cute but not a beauty...''    how sad is that..
even on the last week he was alive... his best friend told me.. you are so pretty..     and my dad just looked up and said..  yeah, shes' pretty... but not with any feeling.

It was the strangest thing..    I'm sure it had to affect me even with all the compliments I have gotten and still get, there must be that voice saying..  'you're just not that good...""

I know now that beauty is fleeting and all vanity and now people think im younger than my sister and she has changed so much that there isn't the feeling of not being good enough in that respect.
But more importantly since I have connected with this site really, I have worked inside myself and tried to judge my innerself and correct the things I can improve on and love myself more and look at the content of my character, not my outside self.

Its a hard transition but it is one that will make life so much more complete and enjoyable.  

If that focus was not there when I was a child, I would of never thought to always worry about the way I looked!   so now its time to keep rewiring that inner critic and be that witness saying..


Look what you've accomplished, you are more than good enough.. you can do this...""  

[1bravegirl]

Thank you B & W for the breakdown..  I was never told that out loud or critized in that respect growing up but I remember my dad's comparisons and how important looks were in his dialog.

I've been told all my life how pretty I am but my sister or others that were even more stunning, were focused on and the attention went to them instead of me for the wrong reasons.

I am glad I was raised alone with my mom being her only child but when I would visit my dad and siblings, I always felt like there was a lot of love towards me but the trophe went to lil sister..
and I never blamed her or loved her any less.  I knew it was from my dad and she had nothing to do with it...

Even after my dad got older and depended on me for everything..  He put me on a pedestal, but I still seen that way of him looking at me in his eyes...like'  
;'yeah, your cute but not a beauty...''    how sad is that..
even on the last week he was alive... his best friend told me.. you are so pretty..     and my dad just looked up and said..  yeah, shes' pretty... but not with any feeling.

It was the strangest thing..    I'm sure it had to affect me even with all the compliments I have gotten and still get, there must be that voice saying..  'you're just not that good...""

I know now that beauty is fleeting and all vanity and now people think im younger than my sister and she has changed so much that there isn't the feeling of not being good enough in that respect.
But more importantly since I have connected with this site really, I have worked inside myself and tried to judge my innerself and correct the things I can improve on and love myself more and look at the content of my character, not my outside self.

Its a hard transition but it is one that will make life so much more complete and enjoyable.  

If that focus was not there when I was a child, I would of never thought to always worry about the way I looked!   so now its time to keep rewiring that inner critic and be that witness saying..


Look what you've accomplished, you are more than good enough.. you can do this...""  

[1bravegirl]

Also the humble portion... I personally know this is an area I need to work on.  I feel I do know whats best in most things pertaining to me and the decisions I make but obviously I do not know it all.

so remembering to be open to others suggestions and learn how to LISTEN>>>   This has been a problem for me since I was little.  I was able to rule the roost growing up an only child and getting away with Murder and it hurt me tremendously.

I have come a long way from that bratty little girl (who always had a good heart and a deep love for people and animals...)  and I see her creep up from time to time and have to remember to love her first.. then tell her that she is getting better...  and is humble but still makes mistakes that she is aware of and is working on.. so don't be so hard on yourself.

Boy this stuff goes deep..  I better get back on a couch somewhere huh?

If only there was a good local therapist by here.  I'm still in T but by phone only..

xoxo

[still around]

The article on the "first stages of inner work" is tremendous!  It ties in so well with the DBT work that I've done for a long time, enhancing it (IMO) by labelling that attacking, vicious voice of the Critic and pointing out that it is the input from a 2-to-5 y/o child.  That's some information which is new to me, but makes perfect sense because it has already been borne out in my own inner work on myself:  the new information and way of visualizing what's happening in me when the Inner Critic attacks, is that the patterns (compare them to smoke, but smoke with real fangs) easily form themselves into the cries of a distraught 5-year-old.  Plus the fact that it's as intractable and inconsolable as a very young child who has only limited reasoning/deductive powers.

I've been giving careful attention to the inner voices since reading all the new material, and went so far as to put the kitchen timer into my pocket for an interval on Sunday.  I think the Inner Critic must've known it was being watched, because it basically went into hiding, but I did catch myself slipping two or three times into ruminations of assessing past history and then feeling sorry for myself, and the important thing about these ruminations is that if I let them go, I'm attacked by sudden fantasies about new attacks/injuries/embarrassments, and all of a sudden the fox is among the chickens, so to speak, and I am in a rage.  It's then that the Inner Critic attacks, and attacks viciously and with no mercy.  If I "allow" this pattern to run its full course -- when it happens, it's because I'm caught by surprise, usually -- then it gets really ugly.
I've been working on this for a long time and have learned to utilize some tested methods for de-railing the process, but I've had to limit my life circumstances pretty severely to try to avoid getting pushed to the point where I will go home and beat myself up.  I find myself in spiritual dilemmas about how to stand up to those people who would push me around, trying to avoid getting pushed around, without pushing them back in any way that would violate my religious principles or or give these others an excuse to sock it to me again.  You can see that trying to deal with the problem, as blackandwhite says, is not an easy matter.

Great thread, thanks!

 xoxo   s a xoxo

[1bravegirl]

Wow.. great work s a,

I commend you for being so viligent in your efforts to get a timer even to remember to do this!
I'm impressed with that level of commitment..

Now I too am on a mission of inner recovery and self assessment to understand why I immediately go to a place of 'i'm not good enough or I blew it..  and not remember all the good I did!"  Im sure having a bpdh for 25 yrs and having that constant criticism has brought much damage to my psyche but overall, I thought I was holding up fairly well.. NOT!

So this job interview process taught me plenty.   I was so down on myself for not being sharp enough to answer a few of the questions and basically chalked it up as a loss..

And today I find out that they really loved me and thought I did fine and want me to start, not the temp on call position I wanted, but a permanent position and want to meet with me Thursday!

I tell you, I was besides myself in dismay...   utter shock that it turned that much around the other way.  I went to places in my mind that were completely overrated and overemphasised on.

Or were they?  I suppose its good to be aware of improving but not to the point of putting yourself down and making yourself feel like a loooooser..    It just didn't fit in well with how I usually carry myself.  I really thought I was doing better than that and thats why it felt so damaging and hurtful to my innerself.

I can be kind of hard on myself for other things but connecting with people usually isn't a big problem.  so It really scared me and made me wonder.. has all this drama over the last few yrs affected me that much?  man..  I may be messed up more than I know...    Dr... I need a Dr..   
Or call my T and have her reassure me that i'm ok..     what a wimp huh?

So I am a bit unstable now in my emotional thinking when it comes to feeling what I think is rejection of any kind and I need to really work on that and not have it affect me like this ever again.   I did this all to myself.  as usual..   boy we really are our worst critic huh?

thanks so much for this forum! xoxo

[lbjnltx]

1. Do you spend a great deal of time evaluating your performance, your appearance, your abilities, or your past history?
    Yes (to any or all) = 1 point      No = 0 points
     
     1 point
2. Do you set very high standards for yourself?
    Yes = 1 point      No = 0 points
     1 point
3. Is it difficult to live up to the standards you use to judge yourself?
    Yes = 1 point      No = 0 points
     0 points
4. Do you give yourself little breathing room to make mistakes?
    Yes = 1 point      No = 0 points
     1 point
5. Is your underlying sense of self often determined by your beliefs regarding what is right or wrong? (Note: I interpret this to mean "I define myself as a good person or I am a bad person based on some recent action.")
    Yes = 1 point      No = 0 points
     0 points
6. Is your sense of self often determined by whether you have met your own or others' standards?
    Yes (to either or both) = 1 point      No = 0 points
     0 points
7. Do you spend a great deal of time worrying that you have done something wrong?
    Yes = 1 point      No = 0 points
     1 point
8. Are you continually plagued by critical messages inside your head that you are unable to quiet?
    Yes = 1 point      No = 0 points
      1 point
9. Do you constantly compare yourself to others or to the success of others?
    Yes (to either or both) = 1 point      No = 0 points
      0 points
10. Are you often envious of others' successes or achievements?
     Yes = 1 point      No = 0 points
      0 points

SCORING AND QUESTIONS FOR COMMENT

 my score:  5

Score of 4-6: Your inner critic is quite strong. What is causing you the most concern right now due to your inner critic? What specific steps might you take to begin to address that concern?

my  greatest concern right now is:  will i remember all my skills when my bpd14 comes home from the rtc?  what will i do/how will i react if she becomes angry and acts out, starts behaving in unhealthy ways again?   will the fear return compounded with huge disappointment?
will my actions/words be a catalyst for helping or hurting?

steps i can take:  allow myself to make mistakes, trust myself to have the best of intentions, believe in my abilities, remind myself there is always the chance to do it differently/better next time.

All: What has this exercise shown you about your inner critic?
that i am too hard on myself sometimes...i'm not a therapist/counselor, bpd expert, expert on adolescents or even human nature...i'm just a mom that loves her daughter.

lbjnltx

[qcarolr]

score 7

Just pondering this thread for a few minutes - comes to mind how hard it is to accept doing it right. Getting praise. being told I have done a good job. Critic says "gee, they missed the point - they sure dond't know me, the real me."  Then I observe - well I did do it well. What is this hesitation, this need to sabatoge my success, to be less than I can be in this situation. I do this at work, I do this with my relationships at home, I do this with my freinds here at FFT on the parents board. This is a voice that goes back as far as I have memory. It is the five year old standing in the hall swallowing a spikky button that shouldn't even be in my mouth and felling it hurt all the way down as my mommy changes the sheets on my bed that are wet from the night accident that i cannot acknowledge or talk to her about and she does not talk to me about. I have to take care of myself, I am expected to be responsible for myself, I cannot ask for more than my share of attention. And yet  I know that I act out with my 'moods' to get attention and don't trust that anyone else will notice what I need and caannot ask in a kind way because to the fear.

I am observing this here. Not sure if I still believe all this about myself, but it does come up to the top sometimes. Espcially in trying to do a better job with raising my gd5 than i feel I did with my bpdDD24.
I do not trust any T I have worked with enough to protect me as I work on this inner stuff, so I am left again to do it alone at my desk with my safe online friends. And when I worked on this 20 years ago in day treatment they did not believe the intensity and realness of my fears and I nearly succeeded in killing myself - and the pdoc acted so surprised that I would actually follow through with this. In fact there was this raging defiant child that said - you can't tell me what to do - don't you tell me I won't hurt myself because I have a young child. YIKES - DD was the same age as gd is now when all this happened 20 years ago.

Raising gd5 is pushing me out of my hiding place again, and I want to be a stable part of this community. But always watching, waiting for another parent to pull their child back from play as I would be untrustworthy. But the reality is not this, as gd5 plays with a neighborhood friend outside my window. She is happy, healthy, normal 5 year old and i can observe that I am being a good parent to her. And I am being a good parent with DD24 as she makes her own way, tho homeless and not living a life I could tolerate. Other parents trust their kids for a playdate here at my house. I do know what is going on as my observer notes that this is not the same as the past - I am not the same, gd is not the same as DD, these are all different people in the houses around me. My mom still can't talk to me about how I am really feeling, but dh can listen and is finally here for me.

Is this all to many words for this thread? I really want to delete this and go away for awhile, but will post it anyway.

Now i am going to fly a kite in the field behind our house with gd and her friend. Such a nice, warm, breezy, sunny day. I will go out and BE IN IT.

qcr

PS - posted this without reading page 2. Yikes - like a 5 year old huh?

[lbjnltx]

i hear you qcarol.  i hear your voice as a child, your voice as mom, your voice as a grammy, your voice as a wife,  your voice as a woman, an adult human being...fallible, strong, determined, thoughtful, articulate, vulnerable, willing, stubborn, well meaning, accepting, helpful, proud, scared, honest, impulsive, charming, and hopeful.

you trust us with your deepest thoughts and feelings.  we see you, we hear you, we know you and we adore you and value you. 

 xoxo

lbjnltx

[bluecup11]

Hey, since this is a featured topic today, is it ok to post on the thread? I see the quiz is a feature.

I got a 7 :-/

I think a few years ago I would have gotten a 10.

My inner critic is really, really strong. In every area. I know WHY this is ...and the roots are still there. I've had "writer's block" for years and it's not at all about writing...it's about feeling like I have the right to express myself creatively, because even in my mid-40s I hear words from childhood saying otherwise. It's ridiculous, and yet it's there.

Still, I think I've made some progress. I'm not jealous of others' accomplishments. I know several working writers and some who are starting to meet with success. I have a family member in a completely unrelated field, who wrote a piece of fiction that is getting rave reviews. Part of me thinks ... hey! I was supposed to be the writer in the family (LOL)...but in truth I'm happy for him and find it inspiring.  A few years ago it would have sent me into a self-critical "why bother" bitter funk and I would have felt it was fate for me not to do it. 

[kj1234]

One way to work on our Inner Critics is to nurture a healthier alternate, the Inner Witness. What is the Inner Witness?

When someone starts doing therapy or any sort of self-reflective inner work, their first task is to develop the Inner Witness, the one who reflects your experience back to you. This has also been called the Observing Self, and its job is simply to record what you think, feel, say and do, moment to moment. The Inner Witness is only a witness. It does not judge; it does not comment; it does not correct. Those things are done by the Inner Critic, which we'll get to in a moment. The Inner Witness just makes a recording, sort of like a video recorder, so that you can go back and walk through the experience again to see how you got from point A to point B.

Steven Kessler, "The First Two Steps in Inner Work," at http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/the_first_two_steps_in_inner_work

Try an experiment? Spend half an hour consciously nurturing your Inner Witness. If your Inner Critic pipes up, just notice it, "here's the Inner Critic again"--just observe, no need to judge. Your goal here is just to get to know yourself from the inside out. You might imagine yourself as a scientist or curious child with a clipboard, simply noting what happens.

So, what happens during this experiment?

This is a good point, though I have never heard the term Inner Witness.  I have been aware of having a strong inner critic for many years.  Probably 20-25 years ago, after some therapy, self-examination and reading, I decided to live a life of consistency among what I think, what I say, what I mean, what I do, and what I believe--and rooting out the incongruencies.  Later a psychologist I sat next to on an airplane told me that is known as congruence.  It is interesting to see similar terms as the Inner Witness.  I think it is also linked to what we observe as integrity.  I think doing this, and having some level of self-acceptance, quiets the inner critic.  Living this way may appear as virtue, and may be, but for me it is more a way of living in peace and meaningfulness, relatively free from the regrets, angst and self-criticism that can come from incongruence.

So, when I read the questions some were a little difficult to answer.  I am not free from some of the thoughts asked about in the questions, but I think I can process them pretty quickly with habitual checks of how they stand up to the inner framework of beliefs and the test of consistency among what I think, say, mean, do and believe.  I think if I can make sure I also pay attention to what gives me joy and meaning in life and fit that in with the rest, I can appreciate life, be motivated and not have many complaints.  Sometimes adjustments are needed to get back on track with that.  That's the biggest challenge for me, I think.

[Ihavealife]

Score of 7-10: Your inner critic is likely dominating your experience. What is causing you the most concern right now due to your inner critic? What specific steps might you take to begin to address that concern?

Allllrighty then.  This isn't where I wanted to be but I'm not at all surprised.  I scored an 8-9.  I started a job with a new company a few months ago and have already heard my new boss say to me on more than one occasion, "Wow, you really are hard on yourself!"  So, how I come across to others, how intense I seem and how unable I am to relax and just "be", just have fun with friends and family are the things that cause me the most concern.  I really want to be able to enjoy life more and feel like there's a brick wall in my way.  I have the means, I have the interests, but it's almost as if there is a physical entity in my way preventing me from getting to where I want to go.

I've begun reading "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw from reading about it on these boards (thank goodness!) and feel like I'm on the verge of some gradual but tremendous breakthroughs.  It has helped just to identify what I  now know is some intense shame that I've carried around my whole life and I've already been able to identify and start to change some behaviors of mine that I want to change.  I think it's the kind of book I'll have to read every year for the next 10 to really get the full effect and to make the positive changes I want to make.

Thanks for the poll--another unfortunate eye-opener.

[Sadforson]

7 to 8. It was interesting to see the inner critic dominates you.  Have to think about this.  Thanks for the poll.

[OBcean]

  I'm so happy to report that I scored a 3!  That is such a dramatic change from where I was 5 years ago.  It's been a lot of hard work, but I've really learned to mostly silence Agnes, my nasty inner critic. 

CBT - Cognitivie Behavioral Therapy - played a huge part in my recovery.  That, and hanging around with people who are mostly healthy, and supportive.  I've often thought how ridiculous it was that people who were young enough to be my children were teaching me how to "be" but I even got over that -- realizing that I am better off learning how to be healthy, regardless of who teaches me, or when. 

[C12P21]

My score was three, lots of work in T, lots of intentional mindful listening to the inner critic and stopping that nasty voice with loving affirmations.
CBT does work, as well as reading and reflecting. This board has helped tremendously.
C

[OBcean]

I've never been one for affirmations, but, oddly enough, quoting the old SNL bit, when Al Franken played Stuart Smalley, helps me tremendously.  When I have those moments of "dang, I'm a dope/jerk/dork/eeejit/fool/etc." I stop, and even if I'm laughing about it, I think, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggoneit, people LIKE me." 

Even when I think, "how dorky THAT is," that one little break in the non-stop criticism helps tremendously.   

[agast84]

Wow depending on the day 7-10/10 points.
No wonder I have such a hard time making it sometimes.

[Surnia]

5, thats not a surprise for me.

This afternoon I spend some time with MOodgym, very interesting!

[megocean]

I have a lot of fluctuation in this area. Sometimes my inner critic is merely quite strong, and sometimes dominating. This, for example, is a bad self-judging week. I had to make some choices re: spending time with my bpd bf or various family members with needs, which I have been second guessing. Emotionally challenging events can make me harder on myself.