1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

[Think About It...]

Hi all,

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder on the website has helped me heal, stay NC and accept BPD more than any other thing that I read (trust me, there has been a lot).  

I often read on the leaving board - "how" do we move past this? - well, let's all take a look at the myths and share.  I wrote much of this out on my own; but let's all share our experiences here.

Myth 1 - Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness  [Read original text here]

"Idealization is a powerful “drug” – and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special."

For me; completely true.  I was unemployed (layoff from downsizing), quickly going through my nest egg, had fractured my wrists and randomly dating people that I had no interest in pursuing a longer life with.  I was 2 years out of an 8 year relationship that I happened implode and dealing with my own guilt in T over that.  To say that I was ripe for the picking is a bit of an understatement.

When I met the BPD at that time, she reflected the very best of me.  She wanted a home, kids, thought I was brilliant and couldn't understand how I was not getting hired, brilliant herself but struggling.  I found her struggling gave me a sense of importance while I continued the job search.

Yes, Myth 1 was true for me - I put my entire happiness in this relationship because of where I was in my own life.

Anyone else do this?  


More information
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[seeking balance]

Hi all,

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder on the website has helped me heal, stay NC and accept BPD more than any other thing that I read (trust me, there has been a lot).  

I often read on the leaving board - "how" do we move past this? - well, let's all take a look at the myths and share.  I wrote much of this out on my own; but let's all share our experiences here.

Myth 1 - Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness  [Read original text here]

"Idealization is a powerful “drug” – and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special."

For me; completely true.  I was unemployed (layoff from downsizing), quickly going through my nest egg, had fractured my wrists and randomly dating people that I had no interest in pursuing a longer life with.  I was 2 years out of an 8 year relationship that I happened implode and dealing with my own guilt in T over that.  To say that I was ripe for the picking is a bit of an understatement.

When I met the BPD at that time, she reflected the very best of me.  She wanted a home, kids, thought I was brilliant and couldn't understand how I was not getting hired, brilliant herself but struggling.  I found her struggling gave me a sense of importance while I continued the job search.

Yes, Myth 1 was true for me - I put my entire happiness in this relationship because of where I was in my own life.

Anyone else do this?  


More information
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[oor_wullie]

yes!

i was 7 or so years into a marriage that existed only because of an accidental pregnancy. we'd tried initially to make it work, but she was abusive, belittled me, made it clear she had no respect for me and felt she'd made a mistake. but we stayed together, because of the kids.

i was emotionally dead, desperate for affection, feeling like i was worthless, had been 10 years from the last time i felt loved in any way.

that was when she appeared, the BPD. she was beautiful, intelligent, and she just got me. she was married too, and told me it was also loveless, tho she had no kids it too, according to her, was a marriage of convenience and habit more than anything else.

she told me i was the only man she had ever loved, her best friend, her soulmate, the one she'd been waiting for her whole life to meet.

yes, she was *exactly* what i needed then, and so much more. i fell so hard for her.

the crazy thing was, after more than two years of an on-off affair she left me flat when i finally left my family - never wanted to see me again. then, six months later, when i was utterly broken again, she came back into my life - exactly the same again. she was my saviour for the *second time*. somehow i hadn't learned, but once again she was everything i could have wanted - she'd changed, she was leaving her husband, everything was going to be different. once again, she was the perfect person, and i fell even harder for her. then, just two months later...

yes - the BPDs, more than anything, somehow manage to find us at our weakest. and, in lifting us from that darkest place, we cannot see anything else, having been so blinded by their incredible light. but the light is false.

[boatman]

Yes, Myth 1 was true for me - I put my entire happiness in this relationship because of where I was in my own life.

Hi everyone!  Hi!

I have actually been in relationships with 2 different pwBPD. The first one was much lower functioning, and somewhat more abusive. We were together for approximately one year when I finally broke it off with her and moved 1100 miles away from her. She convinced me to come back one month later, then broke up with me 2 weeks later. I found out that she got back together with her ex from before me 1 week before I returned.

I identified with almost everything she projected onto me, convinced myself that the relationship was healthy and that she loved me. I think I did this because I didn't think I could do any better. I thought that her BPD behavior was really just part of the "give and take" of a healthy relationship, and that if I broke up with her, I would never find anyone else.

Fast forward a year and a half when I decided to try online dating. I was "matched" with pwBPD #2 on eharmony. I noticed some   immediately, but AGAIN ignored them. I also ignored my gut feeling for the second time. I only stuck this one out for 4 months, but for some reason the emotional pain this time around seems much worse that the break up with #1. I'm starting to think that I blocked much of it out the first time around. Maybe it was too painful then?

These two have been my only "long term" relationships. Sometimes I think I stuck both of them out because of self-criticism. Maybe I thought that each of these girls could not only make me happy but take away the pain from the loneliness I felt earlier in my life. Of course all they did was make me feel more lonely.

It sure would be nice to have a healthy relationship.

[Jaybird]

By the time, my marriage was in serious trouble, I had grown enough on a personal level to know that my happiness wasn't dependent on my H.  But looking back at what attracted me to my H in the first place, I can see that his unconditional love and accpetance was a major factor.  In the beginning, he put me on a pedestal.  I could do no wrong.  I was adored and valued for who I was and it didn't seem to be based on performance like my FOO.  As time went on, it seemed I could do no right.  Fortunately by then, my self-esteem and sense of self-worth was well-established and rooted in God's perception of me.  I came to realize that the purpose of marriage was not happiness (although certainly a significant part of a healthy marriage) but rather holiness.  I have worked hard at allowing these difficult years mold me into a better person. Someday I think I will be thanful for this season in my life but I'm not there yet  .

It is lonely now that I'm on my own (just recently been served divorce papers) but I don't pine away at losing my only chance at happiness. 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Overcomingbpd]

I was a widow, my husband been sick for years in and out of ccu. It is hard to watch someone you love die .Then he had a stroke and  died. All I did was work and come home and take care of things here. I was in a chat room in talk city just hanging out. Never dreamed I would meet anyone and he was so funny and smart. We chatted every night. Then we started calling . Within a few months I flew and met him. A few months later he moved here with me. I paid for everything, put him through his school and was happy to do it. He made me smile and laugh, I had not done that in a while. I thought he was the reason I had snapped out of years of depression. I think I would never been able to pull myself out of it. So even with this ending badly, I am not sorry it happened.

[ItsAboutTime]

I think that within each of us there was something needy and it made us as vulnerable as a red apple on a tree, ripe for the picking. I think that I was, and probably still am to a degree, naive. He mirrored me and I know that now. We are trusting people, we wear our hearts on our sleeve. We give love as deeply as we expect to get it. When it isn't reciprocated in the same way, we get crushed. We feel what we give is a valuable thing and should be treasured forever. When it's discarded and trashed the hurt is astonishing. How could they do that so easily?

[VanessaG]

I think that within each of us there was something needy and it made us as vulnerable as a red apple on a tree, ripe for the picking.

So incredibly true!

My marriage was a mess, it was getting borderline emotionally abusive and I was desperate for a kind word, and to feel appreciated by someone.

Vulnerable is just not a strong enough word to describe my emotional state at the time my pwBPD swooped in.

Add a few FOO (family of origin) issues and co-dependent tendencies and wham, I was the poster child for "likely to be wooed by a pwBPD."

(I shouldn't have worn the "pick me, pick me" t-shirt, should I?)

Interesting thread.

VanessaG

[RKG]

Great thread. Good stuff here. The meat of the disorder is right here... Man, it is good to have some company on this journey.

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

Yes, I am still stuck in this...

I'm told am an attractive guy, but I lack self confidence and have problems "picking up" girls...

So right now the above coupled with the devaluation I feel from this break up are going to be really hard.

I have never fallen in love like this and feel like she is the only person I could possibly feel like this with.

And I truely am hollow and not enjoying life with out her right now...

[mistyclouds]

Definately vulnerable...out of previous relationship with NPD for four years...decided to take that much timeout to research what I had been involved with and heal. 8 mths previous father had died...last parent and only one sibling left and we were estranged after having a very difficult time sorting out dad's stuff. xBPDgf was a refreshing change...good fun...similar background...younger (which concerned me). But put on a pedestal straight away. I was concerned that I was just a bit of stuff to feed her ego...she seemed to want to show me off..and I had a sense it made her feel better about herself. So took it slow. But she was full on, had two adorable kids...and hear was the family I never had. A week before the split she said we're your family now.  Ummmm.

[mistyclouds]

I note one of the poster's said their x pulled them out of depression.  This was also the case for me.

[oceanblue]

I think that within each of us there was something needy and it made us as vulnerable as a red apple on a tree, ripe for the picking. I think that I was, and probably still am to a degree, naive. He mirrored me and I know that now. We are trusting people, we wear our hearts on our sleeve. We give love as deeply as we expect to get it. When it isn't reciprocated in the same way, we get crushed. We feel what we give is a valuable thing and should be treasured forever. When it's discarded and trashed the hurt is astonishing. How could they do that so easily?

This was so true for me.  I was soooo vulnerable when I met my BPD.  Our first 5 months together were amazing - it lifted me out of a daily routine and made me sincerely happy.  Of course, it began to fall apart 2 months after moving in together.  I did give love deeply and was exceedingly generous with him - fully supporting him and all of his "dreams" that never got off the ground.  In my world - all the thoughtful loving gestures should build love, trust, compassion, friendship - instead they just built entitlement.  I learned he will never be grateful and will barely reciprocate.  I was crushed to see that he never really cared for me, as a person, in a healthy way.

[ViciousCycle]

I was extremely vulnerable when I met my ex three years ago, I had a severe depression/anxiety problem due to my inability to deal with the rejection of my first break up (Although in retrospect, the girl actually dumped me the right way and respectfully at that - I just made it difficult cause I felt like a victim). I was having panic attacks and complete emotional meltdowns once or twice a day. I had gone to counseling and went on anti-depressants and anxiety medication, about three months after that break up I met my ex. She was the Waif type, so looking back she also seemed like a co-dependent and was very interested and seemed "empathetic" towards my problems when I met her. She was always there for me at the beginning of the relationship as she slowly sunk her hooks into me as she told me about her terrible life story and her broken family, she made me feel like the most important person on the planet, like a hero, and that built me up so high. My anxiety problem actually didn't get better with her, it was actually worse at times with her, it only went away when I was so emotionally drained from trying to make her happy (Impossible) that I couldn't feel ANYTHING anymore. I was so numbed and withdrawn from my emotions that I actually started to miss having depression and an anxiety disorder, I felt that anything was better than not ever knowing how I felt or thought about things and her. I often fantasized later in the relationship myself or her leaving the relationship, looking back it was my instincts telling me to get out and get out fast. But, like many others here, I just made excuses inside my head for her and told myself things would get better and that my relationship w/ her was worth putting up a fight for. Funny how after she broke up with me she, for the first time ever, complained about my issues and so on and so forth and tried making me feel bad for having an anxiety problem. I thought of all the times I tried to pick her up when she was down, give her rational advice to get herself out of dramatic situations, be there for her to talk to about what was going on at home - and I just got really sad, really sad that she dared blast me for having an anxiety problem when I had always been there for her.

[InEarPeace]

I definitely believed #1.  That is why I kept letting her back in my life after the pain she caused.  Reflecting back our marriage was a mess from the beginning. I didn't try to start fixing it until year 6 (after the first affair).  It's funny reflecting back, cause exBPDw used to always say in the first few years how strong our marriage was and how we had go through more than most people go through in their lifetime and we had come out stronger.  I was very naive to believe this.  If I only knew that was just a foreshadowing of the chaos and pain to come...

But I am glad to know now that my happiness doesn't depend on another person.  I look forward to not being codependent on her (still feel the tug some days).

[Twilly]

Yes I too felt she held the key to my happiness.  I was 5 years out of a 25+ year relationship.  I had worked though that marital breakdown and was pretty happy with life.  Dating was getting a bit boring as I was anxious to meet someone for a committed relationship.  I did still hold onto some childhood abandonment issues where I always felt unworthy but my life was fairly good and happy. My BPD ex must have sensed that I was eager for a committed relationship and also maybe my self esteem issues although I never really spoke of them and for the 2 1/2 years we dated everything was wonderful.
Well mostly wonderful because I did break off our engagement once and we did part ways 3 times because she would start to pull away but each time she'd come back and say how much she needed me and how wonderful I was.  Oh and I got my first ever bout of shingles as well during this time because of the stress.

She did mirror everything I liked to do and wanted in a person.  Intimacy was great, she hung on my every word and wanted a sweatshirt of mine so she could sleep in it so she felt close to me.  Boy was I in 7th heaven.  She took up snowboarding and roller balding, riding mountain bikes, etc because these were things I liked to do

Hmmmm...red flags; 3 splits because she would start to pull away when we’d start getting real close, a nasty bout of shingles...and a friend telling me the easiest divorce is the one you never have to have.  I guess for me the idealization phase was the best time in my life and it is this phase that dominated my thoughts then and still do now and is likely what is making the NC so difficult. I subconsciously am always hoping we could get that back to the idealization phase but I understand now from this board that it could never come back no matter how badly I wanted it.  The devaluation and hate phases have dominated our relationship since getting married just under two years ago and she has left me 3 times in 22 months of marriage.  The first time she ignored me for 8 months right after being married, the second reconciliation only lasted a few months and the last reconciliation in August 2010 lasted until 1 month ago when again she told me she felt empty and hollow and I was stuck in the past focusing on the things she had done to me since being married. 

Funny how my struggle to resolve the significant hurt and pain was my fault and yet...I’m still stuck focusing on the idealization phase.  Boy these BPD’s can really set their hooks deep into your soul.

[Gladto be away]

Yep mine met me when I was down too. Just moved to Florida on promises of others after being hurt on the job.
FOO for sure, and I was living with my step mother working a part time job.
I had been single for a year and a half after a crappy break up. Was sick of dating and wanted to find my one. He messaged me on a dating site. Told me to call him. That was unusual. I did and here I sit two and a half years later.

[gettingoverit]

I had gotten out of a 1.5 yr relationship with someone who became very controlling. I had never been in a relationship like that before, so when it got to the point where I didn't even like my controlling ex I ended the relationship. When I did, this huge weight was taken off of my shoulders. I started to do all the things I had stopped doing because of school and the relationship. I started playing live shows again (I am a singer/songwriter) and was just loving life.

I met my BPD ex at work. We had chatted casually at work here and there. She came to one of my shows and after asked me out for a drink. That night we ended up chatting in my car until 5am. It was during this conversation that she confessed that she had been sexually abused by her dad as a child, but could not remember the abuse. . We started chatting on the phone more, and then after about a four week period we started dating. Just like everyone else my ex worshiped the ground I walked on.

[gettingoverit]

Part 2:
The adulation that she showered me with was SOOOOO over the top. Sometimes it made me feel uncomfortable. But after a while I craved it. I loved the fact that this beautiful woman loved me unconditionally. Our "Elationship" lasted about 12 months then things started to crumble. By month 14 she broke up with me because she felt like I was not committed enough to the relationship. To some extent she was right because I really just wanted to take things slowly. She was in a huge rush (she wanted me to move in with her and her two kids after three months). I was committed, I just wanted to take my time. We back together about 2 weeks later. Then that started the yearly break up/make up cycle. My ex would break up with me every spring. As soon as March rolled around I started to get nervous. In 6.5 years, my ex broke up with me 5 times. With the exception of this last time, we always got back together and restarted the cycle. I always felt like I was chasing the ghost of who she used to be at the beginning. I would see that girl every once in a while, but it became less and less as time progressed. I just could not picture my life without her (still can't). I was willing to do anything for this woman. I really believed she was my soul mate, the one if you will. The only reason why we did not recycle again this April was because she had someone else to run too. Now my supposed soul mate is engaged to her new soul mate (six weeks after we split). It hurts like no other pain I have ever experienced. She really got her hooks into my soul. I miss her so much, but it seems that all I can focus on is the beginning stages of the relationship, and often forget about the bad. How can I ever get over this?

[Sofie]

I have no doubt in my mind today that the real reason I got involved with my ex was due to that she mirrored exactly what I felt I craved - to be loved unconditionally just for being me and not for what I achieved. I was a big red button waiting to be pushed by a clever BPD.

When I am in a dark mood, there are times when I feel that I am scarily like her in that I "used" her  just as she used me - we were both much too needy to be healthy.

[spiralthorns]

I had a rough life of secrecy due to years of ongoing abuse in my past.  My abuse was/is very unique to me, and I have gone through numerous survivor boards and never really found another survivor who had a story that I could relate to.  My best friend sort of descries me as "the exception to every exception."  I have dissociative identity disorder, and so my secrets are/were essentially kept secret even from me.  In the situation I was in, it wasn't safe for me to know what was happening and start dealing with it.  My ex came along and read between the lines of what I was saying.  She got a general idea of what my story was and claimed to have a very similar story to mine.  Even stranger, she claimed that she had been abused by some of the same people I had, and that I didn't remember meeting her because of my dissociation.  I was desperately trying to fill in the blanks with my own story, and the more I talked to her, the more memories started becoming un-dissociated.  I was overwhelmed, dealing with memories and alters I never knew I had.  She started trying to "help" me fill in the blanks by telling me all this garbage about how she had looked out for me in the trauma setting and even saved my life multiple times.  It's very common for survivors of extreme trauma to ask the questions like "how did I survive this?"  She provided answers while I was too stressed out and busy to really do much.  There are not many therapists out there who specialize in the type of trauma I have or even really believe in it.  Pretty much everything I can get from a non-specializing therapist, I've already gotten.  She said that she was farther along in her healing (yeah right) than I was, and could support me through things.  I ended up having to deal with her panic attacks more than she ever really dealt with mine.  If I remembered my trauma in a way that didn't perfectly align with what she was processing, she'd tell me I was processing it wrong and would rage at me until I threw myself at her mercy and apologized until I hated myself and felt like worthless garbage for having even dared to THINK I could figure anything out for myself.  It was terrible, but because she seemed to understand a lot of things that no one else (including several therapists in the past) had really been able to understand, it was easier to accept her claims that she was my soul mate. 

If I hadn't believed this girl was my soul mate, I believe I would have broken up with her about three weeks into the relationship.  Instead, I stayed for almost a year.  I'm really not proud of this, but what's done is done.  It turned out that she had read a lot of posts I had written on other forums about my feelings, my values, what I want in a relationship, etc, and just copied them to look like the perfect romantic partner for me.  This ended up getting me after I had already decided NOT to date anymore for a while.  I'm still very unsure about having my reality understood or validated, but my best friend believes me and has told me that he can't be the only person alive aside from this borderline who ever will.  I'm working on processing my trauma in my own way enough that at the very least I'll have a coherent way to explain what happened to a new potential partner and then I'll be sure that if she doesn't believe me or understand, it's her inability to understand and not my inability to explain it or present it in the right way.