Apologies

[Think About It...]

First I think I should apologise for posting so much on this forum but things are really kicking off with me now.
In the 3 and a half years with by UBPDGF she never once apologised for the rages, false accusations, hitting me- anything. It was always my fault
If you have read any of my recent posts you will know that in the last couple of days I have had to remove myself from the joint home. I was so scared and felt I was going mad, just could not cope.

At first my GF sent Txts with the usual stuff- blaming me, saying I was with another woman etc etc, some of it quite nasty.
Today I get a txt saying sorry for all the accusations and threats and that she loves me. She has said the love part before- but never a sorry!

I am left wondering is this genuine or is it that she is worried about losing the house and comfortable life. Or maybe I am getting too cynical. In many ways this apology makes things much much harder and confuses even more

[elyboy]

First I think I should apologise for posting so much on this forum but things are really kicking off with me now.
In the 3 and a half years with by UBPDGF she never once apologised for the rages, false accusations, hitting me- anything. It was always my fault
If you have read any of my recent posts you will know that in the last couple of days I have had to remove myself from the joint home. I was so scared and felt I was going mad, just could not cope.

At first my GF sent Txts with the usual stuff- blaming me, saying I was with another woman etc etc, some of it quite nasty.
Today I get a txt saying sorry for all the accusations and threats and that she loves me. She has said the love part before- but never a sorry!

I am left wondering is this genuine or is it that she is worried about losing the house and comfortable life. Or maybe I am getting too cynical. In many ways this apology makes things much much harder and confuses even more

[muddychicken]

DOn't be confused-look at what you wrote-it's abuse and abusers never apologize ( I shouldn;t say never) they blame others for their behavior, I hit you because you made so mad...etc etc 

It's not genuine, you  left and she wants you back for the warm body IMHO and that is it. I don't know your situation if there are kids or not but if not, block her number on your cell-I did and it worked wonders for me, not because I would re-engage, I was done with her. I just didn't want to hear from her and you can be in control of that.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[balancing act]

I agree, the apology is just meant to confuse you, and is an attempt to get you back.

I also think that she will change her tune later, and retract the apology, deny she ever said it, deny what happened.

My BPDxh would have periods of alternating apologies.  "I'm so sorry I was abusive" would quickly become, "I never kicked you.  You walked into my foot".  and "that didn't happen".

Hang in there...try to get your head clear to figure out what to do next. 

[MindfulJavaJoe]

You were the target of her projections:

The feeling she could not bear inside herself were deal with like this:

1. deny they are mine
2. Give them to someone else (you)

Attack that person verbally, emotionall or physically.

This is how BPDs cope with the deeply unpleasant feelings they experience.

1. It is not your fault
2. See these negative reactions to you for what they are.
3. Do not expect your BPD to undertand what they are doing without some serious therapy x years
4. Deep down I think my wife know she has feeling of
        self loathing, anger, emptiness and even guilt at times etc.

When she is full of rage wich is nearly all the time when I am in her presence she can replace these feeling by projecting onto me, blaming and attacking.

If I am foolish enough to react rather than stay NC then I reinforce the projection and justify her decision to reject and attack me.

The feeling will still be gone when I am no longer in her life.

[Cameron]

Without professional long term therapy it is highly unlikely that a person suffering from BPD will feel true remorse without it being attached to the fear of abandonment.

[1969mari]

Apologíes aré just part of the cicle of BPD. Be strong and go ahead with your life you deserve it¡

[an0ught]

First I think I should apologise for posting so much on this forum but things are really kicking off with me now.
In the 3 and a half years with by UBPDGF she never once apologised for the rages, false accusations, hitting me- anything. It was always my fault
If you have read any of my recent posts you will know that in the last couple of days I have had to remove myself from the joint home. I was so scared and felt I was going mad, just could not cope.

At first my GF sent Txts with the usual stuff- blaming me, saying I was with another woman etc etc, some of it quite nasty.
Today I get a txt saying sorry for all the accusations and threats and that she loves me. She has said the love part before- but never a sorry!

I am left wondering is this genuine or is it that she is worried about losing the house and comfortable life. Or maybe I am getting too cynical. In many ways this apology makes things much much harder and confuses even more

Hi elyboy,

you have moved differently in the dance  

Ok, you have been confronted with totally unacceptable behavior and you have decided to remove yourself.

Some here have said - sorry - is all about fear of abandonment and is all about sucking you back. There is certainly a possibility.

There are other factors at work too. By acting and removing yourself totally out of her control she is for the first time since a long time perceiving you as a distinct person and is able to see partly what is going on. You may want to read now through the enmeshment workshop. Particularly the rage like behavior is an indication that she does not know who to blame for her pain which is typical for an enmeshed relationship.

Whichever path you take in the near and medium term future: Boundaries are very, very critical for both of you.

[MoonWolf]

an0ught

thanks for the link - That was very educational. I think I learned a great deal in that short reading. My H likes to compartmentalize and detach. He doesn't like it when he has to share my attention. He can get cranky. I thought for a long time it was because my family is about as dysfunctional and loud as can be, I now think it's because he can't ID himself outside of us. 

[elyboy]

After a week absent from the joint home I am getting txts from UDBPDGF's 18 year old daughter asking me to come back and talk. Telling me that all I need to do reassure her mum and she won't "do it again". Its all very hard but I spent years reassuring and defending it never worked. Recently I just gave up and just let her make all her accusations and didn't defend. I just sat there. Then she upped the ante, using intimidation to make me listen. As much as I had a good relationship with her daughter I don't want to go back into that battlefield, thats what it felt like. I have to go back tomorrow to collect some things thats going to be hard. I guess I should be moving to the leaving board with this but I am frightened I will be sucked back in.

[loastinspace]

My BPDxh would have periods of alternating apologies.  "I'm so sorry I was abusive" would quickly become, "I never kicked you.  You walked into my foot".  and "that didn't happen".

That reminded me of the Simpsons and actually made me laugh out loud

Lisa: Bart, just get out of here.
Bart Simpson: Hey, you get out out. It's a free country.
Lisa: That doesn't make any sense.
Bart Simpson: I know you are, but what am I?
Lisa: Get out, get out!
Bart Simpson: All right. But on my way, I'm going to be doing this...
[windmills his arms]
Bart Simpson: If you get hit, it's your own fault.
Lisa: Okay, then I'm going to start kicking air, like this...
[kicks up her foot]
Lisa: And if any part of you should fill that air...
[kicks up her other foot]
Lisa: It's *your* own fault.