It is definitely BPD so that ones a given. So it wont work well i'm a thinkin.. i'm just venting, thinking out loud and reaching out for a rope here.. and not to hang myself either..
I know that I can get thru to him at certain times and he gets it enough to make a huge effort but it has to be sustained. I have seen him make a lot of huge changes, even with all the BPD traits, its just a matter of not allowing myself to engage with him like I have in the past, in a toxic element of disgust or disappointment, only to find things that much worse. I have a bad way of being pretty snotty when im feeling really run down and not respected on top of it. So its not a good combination. recipe for disaster.
Thats why I am laying low and need to figure out how to sever the ties with this job here and not look like a total Looooooser.. in the process. You know.. small mountain, suburban towns love small talk like this. Trying to be smart and considerate and self preserving. help...
So ok, its not the end of the world here, but im still worried nonetheless. Im very concerned for all those lost in Japan and how they are suffering and feel great empathy for their loss, but I do not want to suffer any longer either. I have suffered so much in different ways of course but enough to feel a trigger from his lack of empathy or shooting off rude words when something bothers me just because he cannot handle any type of criticism or words that he feels make him look like a total failure.
Case in point, I came home from work and was in the mood for my carramello bar and went to eat it and he had rummaged thru my room..(i hid it cuz i no his moves..) and ate my dang candy bar.
I asked him.. 'did you eat my candybar.. 'oh yeah, i was going to replace it but forgot'
you know what.. that is so rude h, i was looking forward to that all day. ( really I was..) and its just not ok to go thru my room and drawers with no regard for my privacy or my stuff. candy bar or not.
i don't go thru your stuff. never do I go in your bedroom.. (we have 2 rooms and he has all his stuff in one bedroom and bath and i have all my personal stuff in my bdrm and bath.
So he got very defensive and made me look like the bad guy.
I do so much for you! you'll get over it.. (kind of attitude..) then I went in the car to go to store for another one and he got all pissed off cuz i was leaving.
i know this sounds sooooo trivial but its the attitude behind it that is starting to creep up again. It went from very loving and respectful, doing things together daily, to gradually being in different rooms at night and a blantant disregard for how I feel about things and that is what has me worried and seeing signs from the past.
I know that several times I should of addressed the subject matter after the fact but for whatever reason, it went by and didn't get discussed.
So now I am wanting to make sure that I do not allow certain things to just happen and have it be a way of reinforcing behavior I never want to see again. I have worked so hard to be where I'm at and i just want to do whatever it is I can to keep myself in one piece and true to myself. I promised myself when I let him move back in here that I would not allow anyone or anything to make me feel like i'm losing myself due to any abuse or hurt feelings that aren't acknowledged.
I feel I am succumbing to some of that again and need to address it while its only the beginning stages. I mean its been 2 1/2 months and I can already see how easy it could be to just let all that crap creep back up and overtake us.
I see him working to avoid that though and that is encouraging. But any false move by me and its like an invitation for disaster. I don't want to feel so much of our success falls on me being perfect since Lord knows, i'll make my share of mistakes here.
I'm rambling. Im very tired and very uneasy inside. I feel a famiiar sense of inner nervousness that I haven't felt in a long time.. Is it the job issue? and the uBPDh? Or maybe a residual from my sister attempting to commit suicide last week... who knows. but I feel weird and i want it to go away..
thanks for listening...
You probably feel that i'm all over the place.. because I am!
and that is my issue and most likely due to overextending myself for a job that was more than I could do and not pay for it healthwise.
And good point on them being willing to let me go if I wasn't doing my part. I guess I'm concerned as to how to do it...
Am I suppose to give a notice this soon? If I have another job opportunity ?
I don't think they feel they are doing anything wrong since in the mgrs eyes, its all part of training.. but I worked by myself today with little problem.. so not really a need for all that.
And with BPDh, well he is so so functioning but has not followed thru on things he has proposed he would do.. no matter what. And I have to hold him to that in order to feel good about our future here.
I do not want to lose myself again due to him not willing to see area's that show a disregard for my feelings and have it make me feel sick again. I have been thru way too much to go there.
I need someone here that will be supportive and help the load, not make it worse or harder on me. I don't think I'm asking for too much.. He's already showed he can rise to the occasion and be up for the task of being involved in our livestyle here. I think the decline in weather affected his ability to do more but It has to be determined with both of us that regardless if its raining or whatever... our dogs need to be walked every day and there are things that need to be done every day and if he isn't working, then he certainly has to push himself to be responsible for things that are not a choice here. These are things that are necessary for our lives to run smoothly.
I must say, after I let him know I expect him to do more in the lroom, he did clean out the fire place and his attitude changed a lot but I don't want to go thru high drama in order to get things that should just be happening due to caring enough to want this to work.
Haven't we both been thru enough already to just realize whats important here.
I did concur with being all over the place Art and thats why I hesitated to engage him in much of what I'm feeling. He knows where he has fallen short and I too see my errors of taking on more than I can handle and getting myself off course bigtime.
So now this is up to me to get out of this job quickly or at least have my schedule the way its suppose to be til the other job is ready to go to...(should I let them know this job is coming up?) and find my balance with my health again also and then I will be in much better shape to handle his lack of follow thru and be more inclined to say how I'm feeling in a way that will make a positive change here.
I am just taking it slow today.. took the dogs to a great new place I found.. waterfalls everywhere.. oh by the way, its not so dangerous driving to work, its very hard on my body driving up hills and basically 45 minutes one way and on a day working 9 hours.. counting the hour for lunch then the drive time back and forth.. oh heck no.. forget it. I'm lunch meat. I didn't know it would have that impact on me but I should of. So I'll accept that big error and lick my wounds as I get myself feeling good again.. ? ;p
So, I am in bed after the hike with dogs.. hubby made some dinner and tried to be accommodating but I didn't say a wholel lot today. I'm just not feeling it.
He spent the day working on the garage and putting up shelves I asked for and changing a light tha twas in my eyes.. so he has been tring to please me but it feels like its 'make up' stuff.
I don't want to feel that at this point. It makes me think about how it was before. always wanting a certain way here but only getting it after I get to the end of my rope. you know? its not that bad at this time but I don't want to fall into any of the old patterns either.
So i have a lot to express to him and I'm praying and really thinking of how to say things in a way that will help him understand how it is affecting me without it feeling like an attack.