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Think About It... Acceptance doesn't mean you approve; it doesn't mean you're happy about something; it doesn't mean you won't work to change the situation or your response to it, but it does mean that you acknowledge reality as it is--with all its sadness, humor, irony, and gifts--at a particular point in time...~ Freda B. Friedman, Ph.D., LCSW, Surviving a Borderline Parent
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Author Topic: Help He's throwing my stuff away  (Read 10908 times)
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Gender: Female
Posts: 3790

« on: March 09, 2011, 02:45:43 PM »

Ok,  I knew this wouldn't be easy but I'm about to go knock him upside his head..  and I have got to calm down..  down...

I worked my new job all week thus far and yesterday 10 hours! And i'm not in any mood to deal with his dysregulation today. help.. ? ?

He told me he was buying shelves yesterday to get the garage in order and I commended him and said to please just put my things to the side or in bags and I would go thru them later..  ( I had an old dresser in there with stuff in it that he was removing)
So what does he do?  He starts throwing my things away!  I didn't say.."If you see things that look like junk, go ahead and toss em.."" No! I said. let me throw my own stuff away and give me that courtesy.

So I get up and he's doing his thing out there.. I go to throw away the garbage from the house and there are my old snow boots and other things like hair scrunchies and just decent stuff.  Granted most of it was junk but it still bothers the heck out of me!

So I said.. What are you doing!  I asked you to PLEASE just put my stuff aside.

He said.. thats all junk. I didn't throw anything away worth anything.   

Well thats not the point.  It may be worth something to me. Thats the point!

So I felt very frustrated and came inside to calm down.  He thus attempts to open my door and tell me.."Until you can admit how much your stuff is all over the place and how hard this is on us, Im done talking about it." 

Oh really.. Ok..  I just said,  "That isn't really the way I would like to talk about this but ok ..     and didn't say anything else.. 

I need a little feedback please.    not thinking straight today. Very tired and I feel they know when we are not on our toes.  man!   

Also i've noticed that whenever I start a new job he gets off course and something weird happens in our world.   Like he has to take it up a notch or two and ends up making a big old mess! rolleyes barfy
thanks guys.. love  1bg

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Gender: Female
Posts: 2521

« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2011, 03:38:40 PM »

He sees it as not important and doesn't conceive that you feel differently.  I know that one, I don't know how to resolve this.  H could never understand things important to me but not to him.  I could talk and explain 10 ways to Sunday and he just didn't get it.

Being a newbie at all this, I would ask him to please put everything back so that you could go through it.  If he argues or refuses, I'd repeat the request calmly.  If he dys-reg'd, I'd go run an errand or something along those lines.  Ok, Honey, I need to go run an errand and pick up some things, I'll be back shortly.


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Posts: 2161

« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2011, 03:39:28 PM »

   Maybe you might go out there and go through your stuff, and then put the things you really want to keep in a safe place, and let him proceed with the garage clean up.  In my house, I am the hoarder, and have much to much stuff in the garage.  Every once in a while my UBPDW goes berserk about the garage, and I will go out and work on it for awhile.  My biggest problem, is she cannot distinguish between the tools, and junk!  I know this is on purpose as she really resents anything of mine.  She has a Barbie Doll Collection that must have cost us $20,000.00.  She has a Coin Collection that is way over priced that she keeps purchasing.  She has every candle that was discarded from her old Merchandizer job, and boxes of greeting cards, etc..  But I have to many tools.  I have been using them to remodel our Kitchen, installing all new Cabinets, Pantry, widening doors, removing and raising the ceiling etc.., but I have to many tools that she needs to throw away.  This is BPD at its best!

Every time she wants to engage with the garage, I will get busy and throw junk out.  This usually helps..  I really can't blame her for her feelings, as she is home absolutely all the time and I work every day, for 9 to 10 hours.  She has to look at my current project underway all the time.  Presently, she is looking at my Fireplace project, where I removed all the old stone surround and rough cut mantle, and am installing a new Travertine tile surround and new Mantle.  What a mess I have made, but it will be finished in a week or so.


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« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2011, 03:41:08 PM »

Is there any truth to what he said?  Do you have a problem with collecting/keeping stuff?

If you have a tendency to hoard, then you aren't ever going to be ready to have this discussion about your stuff.

It may make him anxious to see your stuff out there in the garage if he is a neat and orderly person.


The worst day on a boat is better than the best day on land.
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Posts: 1538

« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2011, 03:43:57 PM »

Are you feeling like he's punishing you for going to work?  I know that I'm reading into some things, here...hard to know what he's feeling or why he did it until you can talk about it.

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« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2011, 04:06:45 PM »

It wasn't his call to make Bravegirl.  You were proactive in asking him not to deal with your stuff other than to set it aside.  He chose not to respect your reasonable request.  If I recall, he has moved into your home rather recently.  I don't see how your accumulation of stuff is causing you guys a problem.  It was there when he moved in.  It is yours to choose how you want to deal with it.  He can learn how to express his concerns and request change in a healthy way without stepping over your boundary(a literal property boundary this time) inappropriately. 

I hope when you both have calmed down that this can be revisited using the tools you already know and have been applying beautifully so far.  It seems like a minor set back that should not be over-looked if you don't want to set a precedence.  I would have been angry too.  Good for you for not letting things get out of hand.

"We seek to please God. He seeks to perfect us--and life works.  Not without pain but with purpose."

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Posts: 854

« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2011, 04:08:30 PM »


My wife does the same thing. Her sister is not BPD, but still just as irresponsible. [Just to give you a recent example of my wife's irresponsibility...she missed jury duty yesterday. She opened the letter, left it on the counter for 2 months, never added it to a calendar etc, and probably just LUCKily didn't throw it away completely...]

My sister in law lived at our house a few months and when she left, left some stuff. We kept reminding her to take it, but she kept forgetting when she came to visit. Well so my wife was cleaning the garage and just throws out a box of "junk". There were papers, letters, bills, etc. in there. Anyone who's ever had responsibility would know you don't throw out a box full of someones paperwork, even if it's unorganized. So I rifled through it just to prove this to her (b/c she seriously wanted to argue it), I found childhood photos, love letters she apparently wanted to keep, and her birth certificate.

My wife will also get out a ton of toys for my son (I have a bunch of toys I saved, nerf guns, STAR WARS TOYS, etc,). She gets out his new toys, plus my old toys, which are not appropriate for a 3 year old anyway, and things get mixed together and scattered around the basement. She continues to let him into new things till its a disaster. then she eventually goes on a cleaning spree, throws the stuff she recognizes into boxes, and then trashes all the little things she doesn't recognize, like parts of toys, parts of games that can't be used without everything, etc.

My wife just talked the other day about how she feels she's never had a connection with anyone, not even me or my son, or her family. I think she has even less of a connection with "stuff." I can empathize for her, but I can't understand why it's so hart for her to at least ADMIT that some people DO care about their stuff, and let THEM decide what to do with it.

I'm sorry you had to go through that...how do you get him to understand, I have no idea. Maybe it's one of those things that just do not compute. He doesn't understand why you would care so much, and at the moment all he cares about are his desires to clean something up. Sounds like he's similar to my wife in that way. What they want can so easily trump what we want.
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« Reply #7 on: March 09, 2011, 08:46:20 PM »

1BG - Don't let this "stuff" issue take you off your new job high!  I have no direct insight into why he's dysregulating (correlated to your job or not...)  What I can say is that I know I would feel very angry if someone went through my stuff and started throwing it away even if I told them not to.  So, you were justified in being upset and if you didn't handle it 100% perfect, you did what you did and that's all that you could do.  What was the ultimate outcome?  It sounds like you didn't really lose anything (I hope)? 

- egwene
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« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2011, 12:43:07 PM »

Thanks everyone for your replies.. It went from bad to worse .. long story.

I am still too drained to deal with much now.  I'll elaborate later.  have a good day..

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« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2011, 12:48:41 PM »

 cry  Sorry it went south, take care of you and I'll be praying for you both.  Empathy
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