3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

[Think About It...]

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder .  This article  outlines the 10 myths that keep us stuck.  I believe that addressing and working through the 10 myths can help tremendously in detaching & healing.  So many folks on the leaving board ask "how do I make it through this breakup".  My answer routinely is to go back and look at the myths - they are powerful and when analyzed honestly - we can see our own patterns and help let go.

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance  [Read original text here]

This is the first time where I had an "aha" moment when reading the article.  I was the best at giving my ex the excuses of circumstances:  dissertation, mother dying, wedding, house...so many reasons to overlook bad behavior.
If I loved her enough, was patient enough - etc, then it would all be ok.  Funny thing is, as soon as we did not have chaos - she created the chaos by online affairs.  It wasn't chaos of an outside circumstance, I couldn't rationalize it away...now what?

At that point, I became the blame of the bad behavoir - and you know what, I bought it.  I dug in deeper, tried harder, loved better...

Digging deeper - when had I noticed this in my life before? I was repeating my childhood - my mother blames everyone for anything she percieves as bad.   For example, she gets a cold (we all get colds) - well it had to be from the grand kids visiting - they are always sick.  Probems are all someone elses fault.

Who else bought they were the "problem"?  Tell us what you learned and how you healed.


More information
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[seeking balance]

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder .  This article  outlines the 10 myths that keep us stuck.  I believe that addressing and working through the 10 myths can help tremendously in detaching & healing.  So many folks on the leaving board ask "how do I make it through this breakup".  My answer routinely is to go back and look at the myths - they are powerful and when analyzed honestly - we can see our own patterns and help let go.

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance  [Read original text here]

This is the first time where I had an "aha" moment when reading the article.  I was the best at giving my ex the excuses of circumstances:  dissertation, mother dying, wedding, house...so many reasons to overlook bad behavior.
If I loved her enough, was patient enough - etc, then it would all be ok.  Funny thing is, as soon as we did not have chaos - she created the chaos by online affairs.  It wasn't chaos of an outside circumstance, I couldn't rationalize it away...now what?

At that point, I became the blame of the bad behavoir - and you know what, I bought it.  I dug in deeper, tried harder, loved better...

Digging deeper - when had I noticed this in my life before? I was repeating my childhood - my mother blames everyone for anything she percieves as bad.   For example, she gets a cold (we all get colds) - well it had to be from the grand kids visiting - they are always sick.  Probems are all someone elses fault.

Who else bought they were the "problem"?  Tell us what you learned and how you healed.


More information
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[karmickiss]

Hi All,
   OMG...This is exactly why I think I've had so many BPD relationships...b/c my own personality and history, led me to blame myself for everything! I tend to take in blame that's not my own, and I'd end up with a blamer, many times. There's only been one instance, that the situation got better, through years of work, individual and together, and we had peace and happiness and learned a lot, until his sudden death. Maybe it would have come back around, but it was a big deal for me to lay blame where it falls...instead of endlessly take it in.
     What surprises me, I guess b/c it feels so normal for me, so I can slide easily into the trap of making excuses for them, or blaming myslef, no matter how minor a thing, for all the craziness. Looking back, I actually have come a longer way than I thought.
     I personally got a lot out of therapy as well, working on healing myself, and boy, when boundaries started being slowly erected by me, the fire got hotter, and things got meaner..in a thread I was reading, someone said something about recalling the "rage face", when in doubt...I thought that was great advice....but true.
    Right now the hardest thing to swallow is my son, I'm grateful for all the different boards here..but in that respect too, I can see how I have and still make excuses for him that didn't/dont help him, or myself. Best wishes to all, Sincerely, Tanja

[jillmercay]

I definitely thought I was the problem or at least the solution to the problem. And I might have been had I been dealing with truths.

My ex painted this picture for me (and about 90% of it is NOT true)...

My ex came from an economically disadvantaged background, with an alcoholic abusive father and non-interactive mother. He was constantly picked on by his siblings and at some point had to drop out of school to work and survive. After a series of bad relationship and a rape (the first of many he claims) he had a break with reality which prompted him to drive to PA and live for about a year. Since he has such a good heart and all the people he has been in a relationship with have used him/treated him bad, he's had to move out. Since his family doesn't love him, he typically has no where to go and ends up giving his stuff away and starting over. If only he had someone to help him and give him a chance he could really improve his life.

Well...I am eager to help.

The only part that is true is that he came from an economically disadvantaged background. His mother is a sweetheart. His siblings didn't pick on him. He just played hookey from school to smoke weed, drink and hangout illegally at a club. He wasn't rapped (I don't believe EVER) but loves to file that charge when he can get away with it (when he's pissed off) or at least an assault charge. His family has given him money, help and other stuff and are now just sick of his constant drama. I gave him a huge chance. Set him up with GED classes, he didn't have to work, paid his bills, paid off his car (repo people calling) and put him in therapy. He didn't attend class or go to therapy like he said he was doing.  Constant fighting and drama is all I got out of the relationship.

Then he has the nerve to constantly tell me that he would NEVER lie to me, cheat on me and other people had stole his stuff all his life. He LIED, LIED, LIED to me, cheated on me AND stole MY stuff just like he did his previous ex's while THEY were in jail over FALSE charges.

Yeah...I'm kinda starting to think isn't wasn't so much my fault that this thing didn't pan out. But maybe I'm just looking at it the wrong way. I seem to recall that (according to him) I'm cold, emotionless and selfish. Because I won't cater to threats and get rid of my friends/family so I can devote 100% of my time to him. And my job is important to me. My job should be (according to him) way down the list because love is all that we need, not money.

Well, I certainly got replaced the very night I was in jail. All the while I keep getting texts about how he wishes me nothing but the best and happiness. That he always loved me and always will. Of course I'm just one of many who get those same texts.

[inwardliberation]

I was brought up by a father that put my mother on a pedestal and she could do no wrong.  He took the blame for all that was wrong.  So, when I grew up that was my model.  I fell into the role immediately when I got married.  After 20 years of seeing how it just wasn't working as well as it had for my dad (both my mom and dad are codependent, thus their r/s worked for them), I started writing my wife love letters about all the things I was doing to show her I loved her how I tried to love her and when she didn't respond, I took it upon myself to do better and when that didn't work, I tried harder still.  It was through these letters that I think I started to come out of my FOG.  While I had no explanation for her conduct yet, I started to believe something was wrong that I couldn't fix.  As I started to figure this out, she started to pull away from me and as I met each of her challenges, she pulled away even more. 

This was also the time I started to discover the online/fantasy affairs.  She would tell others about this wonderful guy she met and how much better he was than me, etc.  I was conditioned to put up with this and too ashamed to take it public, I truly didn't know how to stop it.

Now that I can understand what the swirl I called life really was, I see so much clearer about the "Alice in Wonderland" world I was living in.  This includes how I could never figure out her fascination with reality TV.  She would get into sewing and cooking shows, yet, she hates to cook and sew ?.  Now I understand it's all about the drama and swirl these shows artifically create.

So, did I fall for the myth that it is all my fault?  Yes, I did because that was my reality.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[samsara]

Early on in the relationship, I felt that (before I knew about BPD) I was not understanding enough, or not giving enough, to my (now ex) bf.

[Finallyfree123]

During my r/s with my uBPDexbf we would always say how great the r/s was but that there was this external influence that put us in conflict. I always described the external influence to be the result of the abuse he suffered. He described it as a communication problem. But I knew better.   
It just got to the point where no matter what I said or how I said it he would twist my words and use them against me. Every couple has issues now and then and it is important for both to be aware of what they bring to the table and be willing to compromise. But with a person with BPD they don't have healthy emotional response systems thus the very nature of the disorder is that it creates conflict coupled with no ability to resolve it. If you ask me that is the circumstance that causes the main problem.

 

[Mystic]

I absolutely turned to circumstances to excuse the behavior of the BPD/npdexbf. 

It was stress at work, it was stress from the psycho stalker ex gf, it was stress of the move, then it was the stress of the job search, stress of finances, the stress of my house being in need of renos, this stress, that stress, blah blah blah. 

Always something to look at and say well, when this stress or that stress is resolved, things will be ok. 

Heh.  You know, I was under two tons of stress too, but I didn't act like that.  It's just not an excuse. 

No more excuses in the future...when someone acts in a way that is aberrant or abusive, it's on them. 

[Beenreplaced]

Most definitely.  He was constantly accusing me of being the problem.  From day one my behavior was always the issue.  Not knowing about BPD, I always thought that he would see the circumstance for what it really was...nothing.  I too rationalized it away to his chaotic life with his mother, sister, brother, father and exwife.  I thought that these were the underlying issues that caused him to blame me for things that were not true and once he calmed down he would see everything for what it truly was.  I changed my behavior to make him happy so many, many times and each time we fought he would bring it back up again.  It was this cyclical argument that would never go away, it was exhausting. We were two people in a r/s with two different mind sets and I had no idea.  I just knew that he had this 'problem" with me and he made me feel soooo ashamed and guilty.  I kept thinking if I could just get him to stopped being so stressed we would be good.  His personality is like a bottle of soda, you shake it and it starts to fizz and then poof the top comes off and all the soda starting pouring down the sides!

[waterlily11]

I bought in to some of his excuses (his life stresses) in the beginning. Soon he started blaming me. And then creating the chaos. I never EVER bought into it being all my fault. To a hammer, everything is a nail - I figured that out real quick.

I could still separate my imperfectness as a person from "everything being my fault". I was able to apologize for things that I realized were mistakes on my part --that I would apologize to anyone for. My own character and values were always in check.

[sea5045]

Yes when she became really dysregulated while she was moving and started yelling at me in a restaurant. I told her to stop talking to me like that in public, she got up went to smoke a cigarette and came back calmer. Then said "I wouldn't have to yell if you could hear".

I always looked so serious trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, people think I look so happy now bc I'm not being hollered at or blamed. Some of it was passive, like slamming cupboards, yelling at me for where i put the milk in the refrigerator, etc. Don't miss that stuff anymore... sad I took it on as my responsibility. 

[bpdlover]

I just posted on another thread how I had felt like I was almost her at the end of the relationship. I had taken on board her illness and it was strangling me. I could barely dress myself. I was a convert, a believer, bound by lies, addiction and a cycle of relentless conversations embracing pain and basically everything she should have been letting go of. She took all my energy and cashed it in to superficially recruit the next convert. For a while, she was dead to herself having given her baggage to me. To think she was down about everything until the opportunity to create and bask in a crisis presented itself. It was time to rebuild myself again. Today, two years later, I'm as light as a feather and as happy as ever! Have we all learnt? Never again. NC!

[abovebeyond]

Early on in the relationship, I felt that (before I knew about BPD) I was not understanding enough, or not giving enough, to my (now ex) bf.

]
Same here. Same here.

[GreenMango]

I believed this for a very, very long time.

I wasn't giving enough.
I wasn't kind enough.
I didn't care enough.
I didn't do enough.

I believed the accusations for a long time...because he believed them.  And perception is truth or even in the wildest statements there is a little bit of truth.  

I think back now and realize if the problems in the relationship were 100% solely mine it meant I had control and the responsibility fell on me.  It meant there was hope because I could work on myself and fix our relationship then I didn't have to acknowledge the BPD.  That I didn't have any control of.  I wanted to believe it was only our relationship, not something bigger.

-GM

[abovebeyond]

I also blamed my ex's behavior of PMS, lack of sleep, moods, new birth control, switching birth control, etc. On and on. I always dug around, needing a reason, and would find an excuse for her.

I became her agent in relieving her of accountability.

[FriedaB]

Everytime  I  think  this   I  take  a  trip  down  memory  lane...hmmm  let's  see...stabbing  yourself  with  a   fork  at  Red  Lobster  (a  restaurant)  while  threatening  to  set  my  car  on  fire...           Nope,  its  her 

[GreenMango]

Frieda

Yep she's responsible for her behavior.  As funny as you wrote it it had to be scary though.  


Above,

I was an agent too. Never quite thought of it like that but its a pretty summation of my duties.

-GM

[FriedaB]

The  only  behavior  I  can  be  responsible  for  is  my  own  =)

[gettingoverit]

The  only  behavior  I  can  be  responsible  for  is  my  own  =)

And that is why I refuse to take 50/50% for the breakdown of our relationship. My ex did so many back handed, deceitful things, while I was honest with her from the very beginning, and maintained that honesty and integrity throughout our RS. I should have left after she split with me the second time, but I was a fool for believing her BS that it was my fault or something that I was or was not doing. It was never enough for her. Why? Because she is mentally unstable. Staying and putting up with her craziness is what I take responsibility for...not her psycho behaviour. She had me believing for so long that it was me, and all the damage it did to my self esteem. When you can't seem to please the one person you love more than anything in the world, your esteem takes a major hit. She fooled me into buying into her crazy BPD thinking. Not anymore. She's a liar. That was the biggest problem in our relationship...she was just too disordered to see it.

[sea5045]

I can still hear my brainwashing some times, maybe if I had cleaned more, drank less, maybe if I had changed my work schedule, maybe if I was younger...every once in awhile it comes back, and I have to duke out those blaming messages. 

I like that I am only responsible for me...

[GreenMango]

Sea,

I'm glad you mentioned that brainwashing...Pretty insidious until we notice it.  I used to be amazed by stories of people being brainwashed I couldn't grasp how it could happen.  I can grasp it now.

I've become a fan of alternate self brain-washing to combat that crap.  I did care.  I did enough.  I didn't drink too much.  I clean fine.   ;p

-GM

[bpdlover]

I had a conversation with my ex about after our last break up where she referred to her behaviour in the following manner. "I know this sound brainwashed but.." I'm not sure what to make of that as I was certainly not myself near the end.

[sea5045]

Thanks...

[bpdlover]

We can only do our best and if we know that we are, then something is amiss on their side of things. I know what you mean about giving that little bit extra or just trying that bit harder to make it work. That's altruism at it's worst. People have the freedom to chose how they behave and who they decide to let into their lives. We let someone in that could not love us back. We need to make peace with that decision and understand why.

[sea5045]

A supervisor said to me that his mentor told him that as a therapist "we need to love them well".

There were alot of problems, job loss, etc, family issues, anger issues, but in the end I do believe I loved her well, and at least as best as I could being anxious about her having no income.

At the end of the day I am at peace with that...

[Finished]

I was the best at giving my ex the excuses of circumstances:  dissertation, mother dying, wedding, house...so many reasons to overlook bad behavior.
If I loved her enough, was patient enough - etc, then it would all be ok.  Funny thing is, as soon as we did not have chaos - she created the chaos by online affairs.  It wasn't chaos of an outside circumstance, I couldn't rationalize it away...now what?

At that point, I became the blame of the bad behavoir - and you know what, I bought it.  I dug in deeper, tried harder, loved better...

Digging deeper - when had I noticed this in my life before? I was repeating my childhood - my mother blames everyone for anything she percieves as bad.   For example, she gets a cold (we all get colds) - well it had to be from the grand kids visiting - they are always sick.  Probems are all someone elses fault.

This reads like a direct quote from my journal. I did this exact thing.

[Marathoncathy]

My BPD ex fianc

[Marathoncathy]

Regarding the above post.. Typo as to "infested".. Supposed to ne "incested" my his mom.. That freaked me out so much...he never told me but was dropping hints...since He hid the sex addict secret life so well...I didn't tale mind of it.As he was always saying so many weird dramatic things for alttemtion.  But his mom had made him her husband in his dads absence ...obviously this is is why he is completely ~ed up.   Thank God I'm free of this... but feel sorry for him...can someone with that background ever be normal?

[GreenMango]

That sounds like a traumatic childhood.  The going consensus is that the problems that plague the relationship were there before we showed up but we become just another trigger for the acting out.

I think it was the three C's "didn't create it, can't control it, and can't fix it".  Addressing those traumas you wrote about sound like he has to be willing to do it.

GM

[Marathoncathy]

I was really in love with this guy. Am still broken hearted.however, he should have put those issues on the table before he gave me a ring.

[seeking balance]

I was really in love with this guy. Am still broken hearted.however, he should have put those issues on the table before he gave me a ring.

yes, it would be nice if we had all the facts before saying "yes". 

[bonnie]

il give you all a situation of mine i got the pleasure of witnessing a few months ago and "brainwashed"may just have a new meaning.my ex text me one afternoon not long after i left him and asked if i would go to his t appt with him i never responded, i sat on it for a few hours then decided i would turn up.he was shocked when i walked into the room and had tears in his eyes.he has had the same t for a yr or so now and ive only met him once before for about 10 mins.ok so by the end of this half hour appt he had informed me i had BPD and would it be possible that i could get my daughter looked after for a week and spend time as an in patient at his clinic.as unbelievable as it may sound i never realised what had just happened until later that night.i have spent 6yrs with him telling me im paranoid im crazy i need help ,he loves me would never hurt me im his soul mate painted me black to our friends family and then here i had his t telling me i needed to be locked up... the only way to descibe this is its if im in one of those horrendous cheap b grade horror movies when no one can hear me screaming.

[nonhere]

Oh, horrible topic!  I mean... good topic!  But painful.

The worst thing for me is that the uBPDxgf never said what the problem was.  So the "causes" of the relationship breaking down are left unsecured by reality, for my imagination to go wild with in an orgy of self-blame.

Sometimes I think the entire story is, at root, actually very simple.  Or rather, could have been very simple.  She stopped being into me, for some reason.  A normal person would have ended the relationship, or at least spoken firmly and definitely about what she didn't like about me or the r/s.  But no.  She just distanced me, kept me hanging and under control.

I was left with a toxic cloud of wondering why.  Because we were both having trouble financially and in finding work?  (But, of course, in my mind when I'm "exercising" this way, I accuse myself of having been lazy/not pro-active enough in finding work, while she's the virtuous one)  Because I smoked?  Because I'm older than her?  Because I didn't listen enough?  (I did, endlessly, patiently.  I should be on my nation's Olympic listening team, or even coaching them).  Because (shock horror) I was going through my own difficulties at the time, and needed some support myself, someone to have faith in me, just as I had enormous faith in her and showed her support in her difficulties?

Even now, 2 years out of the r/s and after 6 months NC, I catch myself reproaching myself for something - neglecting a piece of work, having a lie-in rather than getting up early - not in my own voice, but in hers.  Because she never voiced whatever her objections were, which would have left me free to process the breakup, free to go through the process of "screw you; we've broken up; I'm still a good person".

And there are little unexploded bombs left out there if I don't watch out.  Sometimes I meet people who also know her, and they mention what she was saying about me to them at the time of the breakup.  Each time I hear it, it's agony - why did she never say any of this to me?

[gina louise]

I can identify with everything being posted here. It's darn near impossible to rationalize the *why's* of an irrational situation...but that was what we nons had to do.

H once took a crowbar to the kitchen cabinets...and said later "SEE what YOU made me do!"
Clearly evidence that I had superior mind-control powers under the surface!   

Part of not blaming ourselves also means being accepting of the times when we did make excuses for their bad behavior-we really didn't, and couldn't know who and what we were dealing with at the time!
I think that's a normal coping behavior but we took it to extremes, over and over. I know I did.

I too was the ever patient listener, while being told I never listened!
I was told that I didn't care, when I cared far too much.
I was told in so many ways how defective and messed up I was...that I began to believe it.
It's very hard to maintain a calm non-defensive front when you are being hammered at in so many ways...from sly digs (can't you take a joke?) to out right epithets (you stupid UGLY troll!) to blaming, (My life was so much better til I met you...I USED TO BE HAPPY TIL I MET YOU) to passive aggressive silent rages.

I made excuses for him (stress, work, finances, kids,) when I should have been looking out more for myself-and NOT him. After all, I had stress triggers too! I retired my career, moved out of my hometown, left everything behind, worried about money as he was unwilling to help pay MY bills-
But I never blamed, exploded or unloaded on him. When ever I brought MY worries up, he would UNLEASH all his spew of garbage on me!
I was left standing in the wreckage, wondering WHY I didn't ever get ANY emotional support. Wondering why everything turned around him...and where was I? AND why didn't MY concerns matter too? That still confuses me...I still don't understand how easily we are diminished and negated in these r/s. Like we don't exist- except in their shadows.

I was raised to be nice, compliant and not rock the boat. Never EVER say anything that's *not nice*.(thanks a heap MOM.  ) I was raised just to COPE, so that's what I did...all these past months.

I am learning to choose my battles and choose when to exit a volatile situation for my own self preservation. It may take a few more months, but I know I can be happier and more secure...and that there are good men out there...that I don't need to *raise* or rescue.

He's a survivor! He will move on. He will find new friends to make his sun shine, new co-workers to blame, a new r/s to destroy, a new job to tear apart, a new woman to idolize and then rip to shreds. It works for him. Search and destroy.

I too wonder what will be said of me after I leave...what web of lies will he create once I leave?
I love his kids, and I know his Ex-wife will give me all the credit in the world for just trying.
she alone knows HOW he is.

thanks for the topic,
GL

[myself]

She got me thinking it was my fault even though I never really believed it. I ended up being the only one who apologized, and worked to better myself, which in effect showed her that she was 'right' and I was the one to blame. It felt unreal, and as painful as it is to know so many others have gone through it too, it's been a real relief as well. It's not just me. Finding there are distinct patterns with this disorder has helped me let myself off the hook for so many things she said I did which I know I didn't do. I don't have to see myself as the cause of the collapse. I don't have to agree with her perspective or projections of it. While I played a role in the dance, my problems weren't the major ones that caused us to not be together.

[bpdlover]

Oh bonnie, a classic projection tale. You believe you are in a relationship with a "whole" person, who is busy smearing your name behind your back, using all your reactions to their own crazy behaviour as ammunition and bingo, you are sick, need professional help and they get to play the role of healthy girl/guy in the hope it propels them to further stardom in the "just being enough to be human" stakes. The ex has all sort of whacko beliefs about me that she knows in her heart of hearts are total bull, or maybe she doesn't because shame has taken over her brain. It has nothing to do with you but it is a slap in the face to find out that the person you gave your trust and heart to, hasn't the integrity (due to their illness) to relate back to you in the same way. Your ex is a toddler who is right, no matter the logic.

[jdcthunder14]

We all need to give ourselves a big break with this issue. People with BPD have loads of issues... mine had severe anxiety, severe depression, Bulimia, panic attacks and various other aches and pains on a nearly constant basis. For me this relationship was all work. (trouble for me and every other man that crosses her path is that she is exceptionally beautiful, so it is easy to get wrapped up).

We did quite a bit of texting, emailing etc. after the breakup and she tried to blame our breakup on me being miserable. The actual breakup was caused by her cheating but she never admitted this. Even with all this logical information I find myself thinking sometimes if I had only done this or that maybe it would have worked out. I normally have to snap myself out of that... repeating to myself that I am not responsible for her bad behavior and lack of sharing what was really going on in her mind.

[gina louise]

wow Jdc,
My H tries to convince ME that I am *miserable* too. (and that I should leave)
Which is so bizarre as I am a happy person. I rarely complain and I can find something good and positive to say about every day.
I make friends easily and can talk to anyone, anywhere.
In fact when I challenged him to list MY complaints over the past week-he couldn't think of ONE. Not one.

Yet he came home last week and tried to sell the house out from under us, and split up our marriage.
NOT normal or rational at all. WTH?

I know he's projecting HIS misery about nearly everything under the sun-and he probably wants to leave! That's been his preferred method in the past. cut and run.
Sad.

GL

[forumman83]

Ohhhh man...where to begin?

At best friends wedding, she is sitting at our table with her SISTER and her sister's husband...I go to get us drinks, engage in conversation with those around me.  Retrieve drinks.  Total time away from table: 5 minutes.  Result? complete rage, embarasses me in front of friends, tells me I left her "alone", enters bathroom for 20 minutes, calls cab, we leave wedding within first 30 minutes.

Tells me we don't spend enough time together.  Start planning date nights, take time off work, change work schedule to suit relationship, spend nearly every day togehter for 3 weeks straght, plan a trip to California.  After three weeks, life catches up and can't see each other as much.  Rage ensues, I don't make an effort, cancels trip to California because "this relationship isn't working."

Leaves the marital home to go stay at her mothers becaue Im such a horrible person.  Tells me she needs to be with people that "treat her better".  Continues communication with me.  Within 6 days, requests to move back in with me because "her mom is a b*tch who doesn't understand/care about her".

Says she needs a night out with her friends.  Attends downtown.  Asks me to pick her up around midnight.  I comply.  Attend said bar around midnight.  Wait outside on patio for 25 minutes (she knows im waiting).  SHe exits the bar and doesnt see me.  PRoceeds to walk down the street.  I approach her, put my arm around her and kiss her on the cheek "hey baby".  Tears.  She begins crying.  I ask whats wrong.  "Other people want to be with me" ?  I am calm and cool "what do you mean?"  "My ex boyfriend (FROM TEN YEARS AGO, HIGHSCHOOL POTHEAD JOBLESS LSOER who she invited out) told me how much he stil lloves me and cares about me.  I feel bad for hurtin him"  Comfort her on the way home without acting like a complete p*ssy.  Tells me that she doesn't know if relationship is working.  Moves her stuff out the next day to her mothers house.

After moving out, I initiate NC saying F THIS IM DONE.  Refuse to answer her calls.  Comes crawling back crying 3 days later entering the house while im sleeping.  Foolishly, I accept her "appology". 

Drama continues, relationship ends.
Throughout relationship, complains about my brother GF, how immature, annoying, etc. she is.  Separation ensues.  Now best friends with said GF, hitting the town on a regular basis.

[T2Logan]

Everything from big to small is someone or something else's fault. I took on that blame and I tend to do that with a lot that goes on. I think it stems from my childhood, but through therapy I have worked through that for the most part (though I feel 'cold' sometimes when I take a stand...maybe I need to work through more!). Anyway, I used to blame myself, then she blamed me so it "validated" my thoughts in a sense. It was constant chaos and as many others have said, when the situations die down, she created the chaos herself! Recently though, and although I don't wish her behavior on anyone else, she showed a glimpse of it to her best friend who came to me asking what to do. In a way I felt validated that her behavior was NOT my fault (nor was I the crazy one or overreacting) and it's just her and she is doing this to others. I hope that doesn't sound bad.

[Fultus]

Yes, I blame myself and all that stuff.  I could have worked harder.  I should have done something when I felt her slipping away.  She turns things on me.  But right now...my excuse is meds.

In a nutshell, my wife had a "reawakening in Jesus" right around the time she got pregnant the second time.  The pregnancy was preceded by her stopping her Prozac regimen.  We lost the baby.  I was devastated; she was distant.  Turns out she found someone else to turn to, one of the guys associated with the reawakening.  It was an emotional affair.  Maybe I was being too needy for her.  She has a lot of other excuses for not turning to me, mostly things I said out of context.  But I digress...

She hasn't bee on medication since.  She mentioned wanting to go back on it at one point after the emotional affair exploded our marriage but things started settling down.  I told her to consult a doctor first and it went no further. 

Now I think the "what if I go back on the meds" line is the last lifeline she has.  Things weren't that good on the meds, though.  She had no interest in sex, for instance.  As opposed to the general disinterest she has now...not sure one beats the other.  She was bearable, but like she was behind a curtain.  It still wasn't her.  It was better than what I have now, but not so much.  And we didn't have this much hurt between us.

So yes, I have this little voice in the back of my head saying "maybe this can make it better".  I don't believe it, but I want to.  D@mn, do I want to...

[bpdlover]

Sadness and pain seems to be a way of life for some. It is attractive or a means to an end to them. They have learnt to get needs met this way. All I can say is, life is simple and trust works. If anybody is thinking about the past, a partner or currently in a situation like this, think again, make like a shepherd and get the flock out of there. You are not brought into the world to be an actor in somebodies "sad" tale of woe.

[Changed4safety]

Yep, I got the sob story--he was bipolar, mom was an alcoholic and Dad a workaholic, he had neuropathy in his legs from type I diabetes complication, former girlfriend dominated and terrorized him, read all his private emails, forbade him to even talk to female friends, threw him out on several occasions, accused him of rape and had him committed for a 3 day exam, and all this gave him PTSD.

Some of this is verified.  His mom IS an alcoholic (wow did she come after me when we broke up), he does have neuropathy in his legs (been there with the doc) he DID have a wacko girlfriend (mutual friend whom I trust verified pretty much all of what he had said.) 

So of course, I cannot look at his computer, because it will trigger PTSD!  Not that it would occur to me.  So he was able to cheat on me with online affairs and one real one for years.  He was punishing me because I anticipated that I would be like the ex.  It was devastating.  He refused to look for jobs, just sat and played videogames while I paid for everything (the computer and the internet connection and the phone and phone service he used to cheat on me with among them.) He would start to get angry, I would become fearful and be accused of being "snarky."  I was told that when he ratcheted up, "your job is not to piss me off."  He would punch holes in the wall, break things, and I would pay for them and clean them up.  He did apologize, tearfully, the three times his meds were interacting badly and he choked me (for the record, I know this to also be true.  Still.)

He's gotten better, much better, in the last year.  But that was when I lost my Dad, and after three and a half years of abuse I didn't have the emotional strength to start all over agian.  I finally broke it off two weeks ago. 

I am codependent and the adult child of an alcoholic, and being with my mother for 10 days showed me starkly where I got the ability to handle all these things and believe the bad things abuot myself.  A revelation.  I lost four and a half years and about $100,000, living with threats of suicide and this absolute certainty that if I left him, his life would be ruined and it would be all my fault.  Blinders are at least starting to come off...  

[bpdlover]

I recently found out that she has gotten married. She moved quickly since she was on the dating scene only a few months earlier. They started living together in February. She had trouble relating to everyone, let alone being with a supposed romantic partner for more than a day. What happened? It started doing my head in because of all the memories of drama and conflict she created around me. I have not seen her in years and am better for it. I sometimes catch myself wondering could she have healed? Was it really BPD?

[clairedair]

hi bpdlover

two things:
Firstly, if she has married within a few months of knowing someone, does that sound like someone who is now able to have a healthy relationship with a romantic partner?

Secondly, even if she has 'healed', she created 'drama and conflict' around you and you state that you are the better for not seeing her.  Hold on to the fact that you are now free of the chaos and can live your life in peace and on your terms.

[Juliecelle]

dBPDh has tried for so very long to make me look to be as bad as he feels. Every time I see this pattern, it only strengthens my resolve in knowing that I am, in no way responsible for his disorder. It truly makes me stronger and extremely self-aware.
And those eggshells?? I'm to the point of not caring how many I step on. Not my problem!

[babyducks]

I fell into the camp of the relationship problems being ALL caused by me.  Certainly that is what she implied frequently.   There was a lot of if you loved me enough you would change XYZ, and when I would change XYZ then suddenly the problem would shift to if you loved me enough you would change ABC.  It lead me to question my own sanity.  And frankly its this part of the disorder that seems to have done the most damage to my psyche.  It dovetailed too nicely with my own issues and became a bottomless pit quickly.   

[bpdlover]

Thanks clairedair. I know this but I needed reminding. Appreciate it!