I have been going to Co Da meetings, working on myself and staying away.
I finally made a sincere and open amends to my exh and he cried.
We had seen each other a few times... testing whether or not we really wanted to divorce.
Our r/s had been improved- no super highs or lows, no fights. We "dated" a bit... ate lunch, dinner together, spent time together.
We lived, and still live in different cities.
Suddenly he wanted to reconcile... he told his L. to hold the divorce.
He went back and forth 2-3 times. Yes..No... yes... No.
I waited. Stayed on my own path.
(D is still imminent.)
Then... he wobbled... once the support money was transferred from him to me.
He waffled. He controlled (tried to) he began to subtly attack me, to blame, avoid, create more distance.
I stayed on my path. Didn't engage in his battles. Didn't feel badly when he went off the emotional deep end.
He jumped. (he's *done*, we're through, Not meant to be... sound familiar?)
I wasn't pushing him, although in the past I probably had-with my behaviors. I can admit to that.
Even with validation, SET and space apart the disorder rears it's ugly head. I don't feel surprised.
You may ask..Why bother? I bothered because I didn't want the divorce in the first place.
I honor the sanctity of marriage, and I felt like a trial run was in order to see if it was at all salvageable.
Especially since I had begun the process of working on myself.
I value and trust him as a person
... but as a partner he fails in emotional support. He's not able to give me what I need to feel safe, secure and cherished in the marriage. He values me for what I can do for him.
So... D still imminent. and I am OK with that.
I still love him. But I don't feel the longing/clinging attachment that I had in the past. I don't need him.
That's a very liberating feeling.
I am no longer at the mercy of my emotional ties to him. His push/pull doesn't tug at my heartstrings like it used to.
I no longer feel like his puppet.
I guess for me detachment is Love without Need... Without the need to control, need to know, need to understand why, need to *be needed*. It's a stable, serene place to view the world from.
I hope he one day finds that place in his mind that affords him balance, security and safety.
I can't *give* that to him. He has to get there himself.
thanks for reading,
Wanted to add that just last week he *couldn't live without me!* and he loved me
That over the top mushy stuff was totally new and quite unexpected from my exh.
However, this week when I didn't commit to visiting on the day he suggested but wanted to visit a day later... the meltdown.
He made rationalizations/excuses to justify his tirade. But I wasn't fighting!
He does realize it's in his mind -this war he's waging. But he's unable to call a truce.
In the end, the disorder Rules.