3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

[Think About It...]

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder .  This article  outlines the 10 myths that keep us stuck.  I believe that addressing and working through the 10 myths can help tremendously in detaching & healing.  So many folks on the leaving board ask "how do I make it through this breakup".  My answer routinely is to go back and look at the myths - they are powerful and when analyzed honestly - we can see our own patterns and help let go.

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance  [Read original text here]

This is the first time where I had an "aha" moment when reading the article.  I was the best at giving my ex the excuses of circumstances:  dissertation, mother dying, wedding, house...so many reasons to overlook bad behavior.
If I loved her enough, was patient enough - etc, then it would all be ok.  Funny thing is, as soon as we did not have chaos - she created the chaos by online affairs.  It wasn't chaos of an outside circumstance, I couldn't rationalize it away...now what?

At that point, I became the blame of the bad behavoir - and you know what, I bought it.  I dug in deeper, tried harder, loved better...

Digging deeper - when had I noticed this in my life before? I was repeating my childhood - my mother blames everyone for anything she percieves as bad.   For example, she gets a cold (we all get colds) - well it had to be from the grand kids visiting - they are always sick.  Probems are all someone elses fault.

Who else bought they were the "problem"?  Tell us what you learned and how you healed.


More information
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[seeking balance]

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder .  This article  outlines the 10 myths that keep us stuck.  I believe that addressing and working through the 10 myths can help tremendously in detaching & healing.  So many folks on the leaving board ask "how do I make it through this breakup".  My answer routinely is to go back and look at the myths - they are powerful and when analyzed honestly - we can see our own patterns and help let go.

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance  [Read original text here]

This is the first time where I had an "aha" moment when reading the article.  I was the best at giving my ex the excuses of circumstances:  dissertation, mother dying, wedding, house...so many reasons to overlook bad behavior.
If I loved her enough, was patient enough - etc, then it would all be ok.  Funny thing is, as soon as we did not have chaos - she created the chaos by online affairs.  It wasn't chaos of an outside circumstance, I couldn't rationalize it away...now what?

At that point, I became the blame of the bad behavoir - and you know what, I bought it.  I dug in deeper, tried harder, loved better...

Digging deeper - when had I noticed this in my life before? I was repeating my childhood - my mother blames everyone for anything she percieves as bad.   For example, she gets a cold (we all get colds) - well it had to be from the grand kids visiting - they are always sick.  Probems are all someone elses fault.

Who else bought they were the "problem"?  Tell us what you learned and how you healed.


More information
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[karmickiss]

Hi All,
   OMG...This is exactly why I think I've had so many BPD relationships...b/c my own personality and history, led me to blame myself for everything! I tend to take in blame that's not my own, and I'd end up with a blamer, many times. There's only been one instance, that the situation got better, through years of work, individual and together, and we had peace and happiness and learned a lot, until his sudden death. Maybe it would have come back around, but it was a big deal for me to lay blame where it falls...instead of endlessly take it in.
     What surprises me, I guess b/c it feels so normal for me, so I can slide easily into the trap of making excuses for them, or blaming myslef, no matter how minor a thing, for all the craziness. Looking back, I actually have come a longer way than I thought.
     I personally got a lot out of therapy as well, working on healing myself, and boy, when boundaries started being slowly erected by me, the fire got hotter, and things got meaner..in a thread I was reading, someone said something about recalling the "rage face", when in doubt...I thought that was great advice....but true.
    Right now the hardest thing to swallow is my son, I'm grateful for all the different boards here..but in that respect too, I can see how I have and still make excuses for him that didn't/dont help him, or myself. Best wishes to all, Sincerely, Tanja

[jillmercay]

I definitely thought I was the problem or at least the solution to the problem. And I might have been had I been dealing with truths.

My ex painted this picture for me (and about 90% of it is NOT true)...

My ex came from an economically disadvantaged background, with an alcoholic abusive father and non-interactive mother. He was constantly picked on by his siblings and at some point had to drop out of school to work and survive. After a series of bad relationship and a rape (the first of many he claims) he had a break with reality which prompted him to drive to PA and live for about a year. Since he has such a good heart and all the people he has been in a relationship with have used him/treated him bad, he's had to move out. Since his family doesn't love him, he typically has no where to go and ends up giving his stuff away and starting over. If only he had someone to help him and give him a chance he could really improve his life.

Well...I am eager to help.

The only part that is true is that he came from an economically disadvantaged background. His mother is a sweetheart. His siblings didn't pick on him. He just played hookey from school to smoke weed, drink and hangout illegally at a club. He wasn't rapped (I don't believe EVER) but loves to file that charge when he can get away with it (when he's pissed off) or at least an assault charge. His family has given him money, help and other stuff and are now just sick of his constant drama. I gave him a huge chance. Set him up with GED classes, he didn't have to work, paid his bills, paid off his car (repo people calling) and put him in therapy. He didn't attend class or go to therapy like he said he was doing.  Constant fighting and drama is all I got out of the relationship.

Then he has the nerve to constantly tell me that he would NEVER lie to me, cheat on me and other people had stole his stuff all his life. He LIED, LIED, LIED to me, cheated on me AND stole MY stuff just like he did his previous ex's while THEY were in jail over FALSE charges.

Yeah...I'm kinda starting to think isn't wasn't so much my fault that this thing didn't pan out. But maybe I'm just looking at it the wrong way. I seem to recall that (according to him) I'm cold, emotionless and selfish. Because I won't cater to threats and get rid of my friends/family so I can devote 100% of my time to him. And my job is important to me. My job should be (according to him) way down the list because love is all that we need, not money.

Well, I certainly got replaced the very night I was in jail. All the while I keep getting texts about how he wishes me nothing but the best and happiness. That he always loved me and always will. Of course I'm just one of many who get those same texts.

[inwardliberation]

I was brought up by a father that put my mother on a pedestal and she could do no wrong.  He took the blame for all that was wrong.  So, when I grew up that was my model.  I fell into the role immediately when I got married.  After 20 years of seeing how it just wasn't working as well as it had for my dad (both my mom and dad are codependent, thus their r/s worked for them), I started writing my wife love letters about all the things I was doing to show her I loved her how I tried to love her and when she didn't respond, I took it upon myself to do better and when that didn't work, I tried harder still.  It was through these letters that I think I started to come out of my FOG.  While I had no explanation for her conduct yet, I started to believe something was wrong that I couldn't fix.  As I started to figure this out, she started to pull away from me and as I met each of her challenges, she pulled away even more. 

This was also the time I started to discover the online/fantasy affairs.  She would tell others about this wonderful guy she met and how much better he was than me, etc.  I was conditioned to put up with this and too ashamed to take it public, I truly didn't know how to stop it.

Now that I can understand what the swirl I called life really was, I see so much clearer about the "Alice in Wonderland" world I was living in.  This includes how I could never figure out her fascination with reality TV.  She would get into sewing and cooking shows, yet, she hates to cook and sew ?.  Now I understand it's all about the drama and swirl these shows artifically create.

So, did I fall for the myth that it is all my fault?  Yes, I did because that was my reality.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[samsara]

Early on in the relationship, I felt that (before I knew about BPD) I was not understanding enough, or not giving enough, to my (now ex) bf.

[Finallyfree123]

During my r/s with my uBPDexbf we would always say how great the r/s was but that there was this external influence that put us in conflict. I always described the external influence to be the result of the abuse he suffered. He described it as a communication problem. But I knew better.   
It just got to the point where no matter what I said or how I said it he would twist my words and use them against me. Every couple has issues now and then and it is important for both to be aware of what they bring to the table and be willing to compromise. But with a person with BPD they don't have healthy emotional response systems thus the very nature of the disorder is that it creates conflict coupled with no ability to resolve it. If you ask me that is the circumstance that causes the main problem.

 

[Mystic]

I absolutely turned to circumstances to excuse the behavior of the BPD/npdexbf. 

It was stress at work, it was stress from the psycho stalker ex gf, it was stress of the move, then it was the stress of the job search, stress of finances, the stress of my house being in need of renos, this stress, that stress, blah blah blah. 

Always something to look at and say well, when this stress or that stress is resolved, things will be ok. 

Heh.  You know, I was under two tons of stress too, but I didn't act like that.  It's just not an excuse. 

No more excuses in the future...when someone acts in a way that is aberrant or abusive, it's on them. 

[Beenreplaced]

Most definitely.  He was constantly accusing me of being the problem.  From day one my behavior was always the issue.  Not knowing about BPD, I always thought that he would see the circumstance for what it really was...nothing.  I too rationalized it away to his chaotic life with his mother, sister, brother, father and exwife.  I thought that these were the underlying issues that caused him to blame me for things that were not true and once he calmed down he would see everything for what it truly was.  I changed my behavior to make him happy so many, many times and each time we fought he would bring it back up again.  It was this cyclical argument that would never go away, it was exhausting. We were two people in a r/s with two different mind sets and I had no idea.  I just knew that he had this 'problem" with me and he made me feel soooo ashamed and guilty.  I kept thinking if I could just get him to stopped being so stressed we would be good.  His personality is like a bottle of soda, you shake it and it starts to fizz and then poof the top comes off and all the soda starting pouring down the sides!

[waterlily11]

I bought in to some of his excuses (his life stresses) in the beginning. Soon he started blaming me. And then creating the chaos. I never EVER bought into it being all my fault. To a hammer, everything is a nail - I figured that out real quick.

I could still separate my imperfectness as a person from "everything being my fault". I was able to apologize for things that I realized were mistakes on my part --that I would apologize to anyone for. My own character and values were always in check.

[sea5045]

Yes when she became really dysregulated while she was moving and started yelling at me in a restaurant. I told her to stop talking to me like that in public, she got up went to smoke a cigarette and came back calmer. Then said "I wouldn't have to yell if you could hear".

I always looked so serious trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, people think I look so happy now bc I'm not being hollered at or blamed. Some of it was passive, like slamming cupboards, yelling at me for where i put the milk in the refrigerator, etc. Don't miss that stuff anymore... sad I took it on as my responsibility. 

[bpdlover]

I just posted on another thread how I had felt like I was almost her at the end of the relationship. I had taken on board her illness and it was strangling me. I could barely dress myself. I was a convert, a believer, bound by lies, addiction and a cycle of relentless conversations embracing pain and basically everything she should have been letting go of. She took all my energy and cashed it in to superficially recruit the next convert. For a while, she was dead to herself having given her baggage to me. To think she was down about everything until the opportunity to create and bask in a crisis presented itself. It was time to rebuild myself again. Today, two years later, I'm as light as a feather and as happy as ever! Have we all learnt? Never again. NC!

[abovebeyond]

Early on in the relationship, I felt that (before I knew about BPD) I was not understanding enough, or not giving enough, to my (now ex) bf.

]
Same here. Same here.

[GreenMango]

I believed this for a very, very long time.

I wasn't giving enough.
I wasn't kind enough.
I didn't care enough.
I didn't do enough.

I believed the accusations for a long time...because he believed them.  And perception is truth or even in the wildest statements there is a little bit of truth.  

I think back now and realize if the problems in the relationship were 100% solely mine it meant I had control and the responsibility fell on me.  It meant there was hope because I could work on myself and fix our relationship then I didn't have to acknowledge the BPD.  That I didn't have any control of.  I wanted to believe it was only our relationship, not something bigger.

-GM

[abovebeyond]

I also blamed my ex's behavior of PMS, lack of sleep, moods, new birth control, switching birth control, etc. On and on. I always dug around, needing a reason, and would find an excuse for her.

I became her agent in relieving her of accountability.

[FriedaB]

Everytime  I  think  this   I  take  a  trip  down  memory  lane...hmmm  let's  see...stabbing  yourself  with  a   fork  at  Red  Lobster  (a  restaurant)  while  threatening  to  set  my  car  on  fire...           Nope,  its  her 

[GreenMango]

Frieda

Yep she's responsible for her behavior.  As funny as you wrote it it had to be scary though.  


Above,

I was an agent too. Never quite thought of it like that but its a pretty summation of my duties.

-GM

[FriedaB]

The  only  behavior  I  can  be  responsible  for  is  my  own  =)

[gettingoverit]

The  only  behavior  I  can  be  responsible  for  is  my  own  =)

And that is why I refuse to take 50/50% for the breakdown of our relationship. My ex did so many back handed, deceitful things, while I was honest with her from the very beginning, and maintained that honesty and integrity throughout our RS. I should have left after she split with me the second time, but I was a fool for believing her BS that it was my fault or something that I was or was not doing. It was never enough for her. Why? Because she is mentally unstable. Staying and putting up with her craziness is what I take responsibility for...not her psycho behaviour. She had me believing for so long that it was me, and all the damage it did to my self esteem. When you can't seem to please the one person you love more than anything in the world, your esteem takes a major hit. She fooled me into buying into her crazy BPD thinking. Not anymore. She's a liar. That was the biggest problem in our relationship...she was just too disordered to see it.

[sea5045]

I can still hear my brainwashing some times, maybe if I had cleaned more, drank less, maybe if I had changed my work schedule, maybe if I was younger...every once in awhile it comes back, and I have to duke out those blaming messages. 

I like that I am only responsible for me...

[GreenMango]

Sea,

I'm glad you mentioned that brainwashing...Pretty insidious until we notice it.  I used to be amazed by stories of people being brainwashed I couldn't grasp how it could happen.  I can grasp it now.

I've become a fan of alternate self brain-washing to combat that crap.  I did care.  I did enough.  I didn't drink too much.  I clean fine.   ;p

-GM