Death of his wife... what would you do?

[Think About It...]

    BPD ex friends's wife's obituary is in the paper this morning. { I have been NC since Nov.2009, and have not had him  try to contact me since  spring of 2010.} I knew his wife as well. She had been placed in care for three   years with dementia before her death. This was a trigger for him and the outward manifestation  of his external , public, dysfunctional behaviour.  I am torn between sending condolences to him{ a simple card} and opening that whole can of worms, and ignoring any acknowledgement of her passing. Hoping for advice and help with this . What would you do?  Skipper

[skipper]

    BPD ex friends's wife's obituary is in the paper this morning. { I have been NC since Nov.2009, and have not had him  try to contact me since  spring of 2010.} I knew his wife as well. She had been placed in care for three   years with dementia before her death. This was a trigger for him and the outward manifestation  of his external , public, dysfunctional behaviour.  I am torn between sending condolences to him{ a simple card} and opening that whole can of worms, and ignoring any acknowledgement of her passing. Hoping for advice and help with this . What would you do?  Skipper

[pdoll]

Ignore. If I may be honest, it sounds a bit like you're looking for an excuse to make contact. If anything, it seems like you should be concerned about sending a sympathy card to the man who lost his wife.

[boatingwoman]

I would do nothing.

BW

[uk guy]

Stay strong, do not react.

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[skipper]

Thank you boatingwoman and Nickyboy,

  I think this is the only way to go. Social graces, and doing the compassionate thing, in regards to this situation, is not appropriate in this case. Nothing it will be. Thanks, Skipper.

[skipper]

Phone just rang. Saw his name. Did not answer. I was afraid of this. This answers my question in spades.

[Crystal Ball]

I know you are trying to do a 'kind' thing... but be kind to yourself.  Don't open the door to let him back in your life.  All it takes is one response and he'll come flooding back in.  Great job for not answering the phone.     Stay strong and keep NC.

[skipper]

 Crystal Ball,
   Absolutely! I was anticipating her death and sadly thought that this might happen. He has proven, again, that real people don't matter. His wife of fifty years plus obviously didn't matter if his need to try to re-engage me was acted upon today! It blows my mind and I have not responded to any attempts since I went no contact with him. It's sad that his life is so bereft of connection that he allows himself to grasp at straws and try to fill that empty void with his hope for a fantasy rescuer. I will not take the bait and the only reason I asked about sending a card was my own sense of propriety. It's what one would do as a fellow human being but obviously this is not about being kind or compassionate. I so appreciate your thoughtful response. NC as always.  Skipper

[GlennT]

Skipper; 50 years of marriage mean nothing to these fiends..even 70 or 200 Grrr! They just seem to have a hollow moral core 500 years of marriage can't fill! You sound like you know your worth. I hope you never give in to this jerk, and teach him a lesson in morals, substance, and values, and make it a promise to his poor wife.

[snappybrowneyes]

I think these type of situations are so difficult for us nons. A decent person would acknowledge the death of another, show compassion to the grieving family,so it is hard for us to NOT to the things we were taught to do. Such a sad place the pbd lives in! You are doing the right thing for you skipper!

[Crystal Ball]

so it is hard for us to NOT to the things we were taught to do.

My T keeps reminding me nothing in BPD world is 'normal' and therefore we cannot act or react like we 'normally' do. 

[ve01603]

Ignore. If I may be honest, it sounds a bit like you're looking for an excuse to make contact. If anything, it seems like you should be concerned about sending a sympathy card to the man who lost his wife.

I agree.

[El Castor]

Having lost my exBPDgf last week and been blamed for that by her BPD sister in an aggressive way, I would certainly advice to stay away for now and to find some time to visit her stone later when things are calm. I will do so. Rituals are just ways of dealing things set by some humans.

[skipper]

Thanks to all for the support. I have indeed said a prayer for her and will remember her as a lovely lady. I was simply a friend to them both, nothing more. Like grandparents. His illness and dysfunctional thought process was  exposed with time and made my decision to go N/C the correct one for my own mental health. How sad for him that he has lived his life without the ability to truly connect with anyone in a genuine,honest way, but instead a grasping, delusional approach that leaves him alone and so confused about authentic connections. I hope that she is at peace and that he will someday feel peace as well.  Skipper

[Robhart]

 Last year after 2 months of n/c. I called my exBPDGF  because she left a message that her boyfriend of 10 yrs( before I met her )had died. That  call back resulted in the relationship getting dialed back up with us..Fortunately it ended 5 months later when it was just more of the same behaviors from her.. As a side note she had known the  former boyfriend was sick for months and always talked about taking care of him, seeing him etc.In 6 months I think she saw him twice for an hour or two.
Maybe send a donation  to a charityif you can (maybe something related to the wife's death) in  her name.You have honored her without going back into the BPD world of dysfunctionally.

[ve01603]

Having lost my exBPDgf last week and been blamed for that by her BPD sister in an aggressive way, I would certainly advice to stay away for now and to find some time to visit her stone later when things are calm. I will do so. Rituals are just ways of dealing things set by some humans.

By the way, I was sorry to hear about that.  I meant to write to you sooner.  When I read it I read about it on my phone because I was without it for a few days because ours was really his and he took it.  My BPD's mother said that he will kill himself but it will be an accident.  Wouldn't surprise me.

[skipper]

Thanks again to all. A donation has been sent to the charity listed in the obit. I requested it to be an anonymous donation to thwart any connection to me personally. My condolences to El Castor. Thank you Robhart . Onward.

[Overcomingbpd]

Thanks again to all. A donation has been sent to the charity listed in the obit. I requested it to be an anonymous donation to thwart any connection to me personally. My condolences to El Castor. Thank you Robhart . Onward.

That was a wonderful way to handle it.