Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 08:43:18 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: SELF-AWARE: why do we put up with it?  (Read 679 times)
united for now
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: separated
Posts: 8708

Talking about solutions create solutions


« on: March 22, 2011, 09:06:32 PM »

I did an experiment with my Psych students a few years ago.

I had a volunteer sit in front of the class and recite the alphabet. When he got to the letter "G" I sprayed some water in his face. This startled him and got the class laughing. I asked him to repeat the alphabet again, and again, when he got to the letter "G" I sprayed water in his face. He was a quick learner, cause when I asked him a third time to recite the alphabet and when he was about to say the letter "G" he cringed in expectation of the water  Smiling (click to insert in post)

The interesting fact though, is that he still said the letter "G"... .



Now this student figured out after the first 2 times that there was a connection between him saying the letter "G" and me spraying him with water. Why did he still say the letter? A mix of reasons... .Cause I was his teacher and as such, an authority figure. He also wanted to please me for a better grade, and he enjoyed being the center of attention for the class. He was an overall good sport about it.

If we know that someone is going to do something we don't like (like spray water in our face) why do we take that step?

Why do we put ourselves in those positions?

We can say we do it for love, yet isn't some of it fear based?

Are we afraid of "not" saying the letter "G"?

Are we afraid of saying that we don't like water being sprayed in our faces?

Who's fault is it if we get wet? theirs for spraying us with water... .or ours for sitting there and allowing them to... .?
Logged

Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

pdoll
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 167


« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2011, 09:21:57 PM »

I think it's because when the BPD controls the water bottle, he/she makes the reinforcement intermittent. Sometimes we get sprayed when we say G, sometimes we don't.

BF Skinner discovered it - "The interesting thing that Skinner discovered about intermittant reinforcement and maybe one of Skinner's most important discoveries was that behavior that is reinforced intermittantly is much more difficult to extinguish than behavior that is reinforced continuously."
Logged
StrongEnough
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 69


« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2011, 09:29:06 PM »

I guess your point is that we bear some responsibility for receiving the abuse because we remain present when we see it happening again and again. Not sure I agree with that-  there are multiple factors that keep us present- like your student we do a cost/benefit analysis. He has his reasons for not getting up and dropping the class, we have our reasons for putting up with a BP even when we see a pattern.  You (as instructor) are still completely responsible for whether you continue to spray him with water on "G," they are still 100% responsible for their behavior. Our responsibility is to ourselves... .when the cost of staying outweighs the benefit... .we should leave.
Logged
joop
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 478


« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2011, 03:59:02 AM »

I guess your point is that we bear some responsibility for receiving the abuse because we remain present when we see it happening again and again. Not sure I agree with that-  there are multiple factors that keep us present- like your student we do a cost/benefit analysis. He has his reasons for not getting up and dropping the class, we have our reasons for putting up with a BP even when we see a pattern.  You (as instructor) are still completely responsible for whether you continue to spray him with water on "G," they are still 100% responsible for their behavior. Our responsibility is to ourselves... .when the cost of staying outweighs the benefit... .we should leave.

we are starved of affection the longer the r/s goes on and focus on you, so even in the hate you stages or the rages we are at least the centre of attention ourselves... .believe it or not even during the arguements you are getting validation of yourself. The bad thing is that the words in those times are all negative but the focus is on you and your partner.

So as the thread goes... .you are getting sprayed with something negative that you do not like, but you take it and stay because you are the centre of attention and in a twisted way the borderline for maybe a while is totally focused on you... .you are not being ignored, you are not been given the silent treatment you are getting validation for existing.

Even bad focus on you is better than no focus on you... right.

Logged
ReclaimedLife
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 79



« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2011, 08:31:08 AM »

porcelaindoll118, I appreciate your analogy of this. I have most definately questioned myself for the 1/3 of my life that I wasted. But I also appreciate that I learned about small mercies and brainwashing that BPD's are so capable of. This triggered me to remember how my ex would bring me home little "gifts" she found at a garage sale, or always make sure that midnight snacks were on the nightstand, or bring me a glass of tea while I mowed the yard, or especially how she once while we were boating and listening to the song "Your Still The One"... (after all these years), she said; "That's us Babe, you and me, you are still my Man after all these years." (17 years in.)

BUT, I do realize these are small mercies to the big picture, and most were followed immediately or within hours with some form of emotional abuse, however subtle. It's to keep us off balance. And THEY KNOW that we are good people at heart, and most who married are absolute to their commitment of "for better or worse".

I also remember, while she was in the midst of an affair one October, (unbeknownst to me at the time) she asked me if I had any thoughts on what I wanted for Christmas. I now refer to that memory as "Christmas in October", I often wish I would have responded with, "If you would just be faithful, or learn to face your demons would be a present that would last me a lifetime!" -But I know now that even though I was the glue that held the broken marriage together, NOTHING I said or did would have made a difference from this outcome. I tried to leave before, on more than one ocassion, but she was expert at manipulation and recycling, so all in all everything has it's time and place, a season for everthing, besides "Christmas in October!) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
Logged
EdieM
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 78


« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2011, 12:20:20 PM »

I was extremely vulnerable when I met my ex, and he made me moreso during the relationship.

When I look back now at the lengths I went to toward the end of the relationship to make him happy and support him, I almost can't believe how much I was taken in by him. He did it gradually though, wore me down until I actually believed I was the cause of all his behaviours and deserved this treatment.

It was actually his psychiatrist and his mother who made me see that he was being outrageously unreasonable and that I should leave him.
Logged
C2
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 300


« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2011, 04:19:55 PM »

I think about this one a lot, as I have had more than on BPD romantic relationship and come from a family with a PD parent.

While there are many unhealthy reasons we put up with their behavior (what we grew up with, like the drama, low self-esteem, etc.), sometimes, especially with the more high functioning BPs, they are just a good match for us in every other way except the disorder. We may like the same hobbies, have similar biorhythms, parent the same way, laugh at the same jokes... .

Not everyone was in a relationship with a lot of major ups and downs, always waiting for the good BP to come back. I had a pretty decent relationship with my long-term BP for a number of years--very minor red flag behaviors, no arguments, mostly mutual satisfaction, etc. It wasn't until the intimacy button got pushed (actually his idea, suggesting we live together) that all his weirdness came out. His "quirks" (in retrospect early red flags) were so minor that they were really very easy to tolerate.

Granted I didn't know anything about PDs at the time, and now I have a lower tolerance for quirks. I'm still a fairly tolerant person, though, and I usually try to look for a benevolent reason for someone's actions. It seems like a lot of us here are healer types or more compassionate, empathic, easy going people than the general public. In the context of a disordered relationship, that turns into enabling. Unfortunate, because we should be able to be kind without it biting us in the butt.

Trying to be nice without being a doormat is a hard tightrope to walk.
Logged
liveandlearn
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 244


« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2011, 10:32:15 PM »

What if we love the guy holding the water bottle, and the only way to keep him alive is to allow him to spray us from time to time? 

But what if he started spraying so much that he was nearly drowning us?  Would we save ourselves or continue to be sprayed even if it meant he wouldn't survive?  After all, if we die, the sprayer dies, too.  What's the sense in both of us dying?

What if we had an umbrella so that the water wouldn't soak us?  If only we knew when to carry it.  If we used the umbrella, would he get bored and stop playing the game?  Does he need to soak us to thrive?  Would we ever get tired of carrying the umbrella on sunny days? 

Gee... .
Logged
gWocky00
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 255


« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2011, 12:02:48 AM »

the water I could handle, its when the baseball bat came out I had a problem,,lol
Logged
C12P21
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 2512



« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2011, 08:51:17 PM »

Excerpt
Not everyone was in a relationship with a lot of major ups and downs, always waiting for the good BP to come back. I had a pretty decent relationship with my long-term BP for a number of years--very minor red flag behaviors, no arguments, mostly mutual satisfaction, etc. It wasn't until the intimacy button got pushed (actually his idea, suggesting we live together) that all his weirdness came out. His "quirks" (in retrospect early red flags) were so minor that they were really very easy to tolerate

.

This was true in the last relationship I was in-the devaluation began as his need for intimacy increased and he became leery of his need. The push/pull that was subtle became evidently more aggressive and the emotional abuse was difficult to experience.

In retrospect, my hesitancy to confront was due to earlier childhood conditioning. I doubted my perceptions as I thought my reactions were more from FOO than the present relational dynamic. Boy, was not listening to my gut a mistake. I suffered emotional pain from putting up with someone abusing me and I did not defend myself.  I believed I let myself down. Remaining silent when I needed to protect myself emotionally from him was the worst of the pain, it wasn't his affair or ending the relationship. My emotional pain was how I stood there and let someone spew destructive words at me and I said once "stop this, your being mean". My problem was the overlying need to preserve the relationship and I was trying to not respond in anger. In hindsight, anger would have been an appropriate response.

In the long run when he wanted to remain friends, I simply could not. My putting up days were over. Without processing of the abuse and things that were said, there could be no friendship. The hardest part of detaching was acceptance knowing the person I thought I knew was an illusion. The dream took a long time to die...
Logged
Robhart
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 516



« Reply #10 on: May 28, 2011, 12:52:14 AM »

I think in the non world most people are capable of change and we think our spouses,SO, etc will also have the desire to change.

I thought initially my exgfBPD's  abusive behaviors were because of her drinking.I further thought if the light bulb went on with her she would stop drinking and we'd live happily ever after...

Later in the r/s  I was checking out abusive behaviors on line I found out about BPD.

It was sadly painfully obvious now. This time I could see even more of the red flags of her lying and cheating.

Sadly, I had to ultimately accept she doesn't want to change and is  probably is incapable of change.
Logged
Cumulus
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 414



« Reply #11 on: June 16, 2013, 06:12:24 PM »

I might have known I was getting sprayed but I didn't know where it was coming from. I kept looking for a leaky pipe or a rain cloud, denying all the while that my xBPDh would hurt me.
Logged
Linlu53

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 43


« Reply #12 on: June 16, 2013, 08:30:45 PM »

I suffer with shame, guilt and confusion as to why I put up with my H for 35 years! I left 3 times but was too uninformed to realize what was going on. I allowed my kids to suffer years of torment because of it. It is better for them now that they are out of the house but I am still trying to figure if I want to go through a 4th and believe me, final separation. We married very young and I just feel like I never got to figure out who I was or am. I have been sprayed by the water bottle too many times. He doesn't remember doing it or he didn't mean it. I know he feels miserable after he sprays.But it is ALWAYS my fault according to him. If I hadn't done x then he wouldn't have done y. I'm so used to taking the blame. Problem is I am really starting to resent all the bad behavior. Even when he is being better, I can't enjoy it.
Logged
oolia

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 23


« Reply #13 on: July 11, 2013, 09:26:52 PM »

Intermittent reinforcement.  Yep, that rings a bell.  For me, it wasn't that I got sprayed for saying "G" every time.  If it had been that simple, I would have just stopped saying "G."  It was inconsistent, and the letter I got sprayed for saying changed frequently.  So, there were more and more random words/topics I would avoid (since I am a smart lab rat) as the years passed.  The effect of the negative reinforcement was so strong for me that it often superceded my eventual understanding that the word/topic was NOT the issue.  Control, criticism, and "winning" at all costs were what were at stake.  The words/topics were just straw men.
Logged
lauraj

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 7



« Reply #14 on: August 20, 2013, 09:43:12 PM »

 Being cool (click to insert in post) I am new on here and have been reading.  I will read something one of you posted that your BPD did or said and I just want to jump in the computer to say, "Yes, that's it," and talk to you more about it. I don't know why I feel like I need validation as to obvious torture we go through with their words. why is that?  justification? I just went through another blow up several days ago and he left to go to work out of town. yay, I don't have to be scared to do this or that, or wonder what kind of damn mood he's going to be in when he comes over. What did the whole thing start over? Me saying,"I'm going to take the kids to the movies, drop them off and come back and go mow the church." That's it. Just because he hates my pastor(why I don't know,he never really has even talked to him), he told me to not go mow but to let him deal with his own grass. ya, but he won't go talk to the person he has the made up issue(he dislikes everyone!), with so he has to berade me to the point that he walked out saying," Good luck, I hope you find the man your looking for, because you won't." Then he finds me in a parking lot the next morning  while I'm ordering something on my phone and is mad because I didn't call him to say bye? what the heck. So, I ,along with everyone else I even berely talk to about my boyfriend about says," Why the hell are you with this guy?" I don't know I say. I'm stupid, I know. Am I alone in this crazy thinking?
Logged
Discovery
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 94



« Reply #15 on: November 15, 2013, 09:46:43 PM »

Why did I put up with it?

In my case, "it" was emotional abuse (distancing, disappearing, stonewalling, passive-aggression, denial, manipulative communication, blame, lack of accountability,) + impulsivity + periodic unpredictable rage episodes -- usually very short but scary. Two occasions where I received ugly verbal abuse.

I've come to understand that I put up with it because... .

(1) On a subconscious level I was familiar with being treated this way... . my FOO had very unhealthy communication, and my mother treated me in a very similar way... .my nervous system was wired from early on to associate love with great insecurity and inconsistency. So I put up with it because in a sense it felt "normal."  I was completely UNAWARE of this until I began therapy.

If it had been a friend experiencing a r/s like this, as an objective outsider I would have told her to get out and that it was an unacceptable way to be treated. Yet, on the inside, I couldn't see this for myself.

(2) I had a disproportionate sense of "compassion" and made allowances because of my partner's difficult childhood -- in effect allowing him to mistreat ME out of compassion for HIM (lack of boundaries and lack of strong protective love for myself)

(3) I had the belief that if I wanted the great times I had to weather the bad times... . which would apply and not be harmful in a healthy relationship with both partners being accountable and committed to their own growth, but not true when the "bad times" involve repeated scary and/or disrespectful behavior and only one partner is willing to look at him/herself and make repairs.

(4) I so loved how we were together and the kind of person he was when he was not triggered, how we seemed to be so on the same page in what we were passionate about in life, our awesome connected times, all the many many fun and positive things we shared, the investment of all the time in the r/s (7 years)... .and I feared that I couldn't find THAT magic with anyone else, and if I could just roll with the crazy stuff (and work with him on fixing it) I could keep everything I loved about him and he'd grow with me.

(5) I was naive, had no prior experience with anything remotely crazy like BPD, did not know that phenomenon such as splitting existed, and had no way to make sense of the crazy-making circular reasoning, b/w thinking episodes, and found myself mentally confused and messed up by the manipulative use of communication... .which appeared to have elements of healthy communication, but very cleverly skewed using all kinds of passive-aggressive stuff... .

If I'd seen a tattoo on his forehead that said ":)isordered: BPD" on Day 1, looked it up on the internet and seen the list of behaviors, I would have clued in much, much, much sooner. Many  red-flags that I didn't put together. I wish I could apply that tattoo now to protect the next person who will get involved with this man so no more people have to be hurt like this.

Logged
Ironmanrises
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #16 on: November 16, 2013, 03:05:09 PM »

Why did I put up with it?

For me, I don't love myself. I was too busy loving my exUBPDgf and neglecting myself in the process. A disastrous combination. Had I properly loved myself, i would have recognized the position I was in and exited. Instead I remained, and allowed a torrent of emotional abuse. It makes me feel quite ashamed.
Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #17 on: November 16, 2013, 08:44:15 PM »

I was fresh out of a relationship. A month or less. I was vulnerable. I fell for every BPD trick in the book. The wounded bird. The abuse. The dependency. The overstated emotion. My gut told me to get rid of her. It was as though she wanted me to kick her to the curb. Around a month after she suckered me into letting her move in to my home she hocked up a big loogie and spit it right in my face. We weren't arguing in the least. I was talking to one of my friends at a bar over a beer. We weren't even drunk. By far the most disordered person (I'm being nice) I have ever met. For the next seven and a half years I put up with the most insane behavior from her that I have ever put up with in my life. She hit me, threw things at me, stole from me, insulted me,she used me. All the while telling me how much she loved me. Her words: "I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else. Infinity X infinity to the power of infinity" also... " my baby,all mine,nobody else's just mine. For ever and ever till the end of time. Amen" her words. She was ok but certainly not the hottest girl in the world. She destroyed herself with drugs. Her face is destroyed. teeth rotting. Coke first then she started smoking speed. All before I met her. Her speed habit started long before I met her. I don't and never have or never will smoke speed or anything else for that matter. How this happened still baffles me. She even told me about her BPD and how she had been on antidepressants. Compassion on my part. She told me she wanted off drugs. She didn't make one single effort. I didn't know how to help her other than just take care of her. I suppose I must have been an enabler to her (if everything is about her). I don't identify myself with her drug addiction.

So yes... .A mix of reasons why I put up with her. I don't like relationship hopping. The sex was over the top pornstar sex. A partner to help me manage my home. I am a one woman type of guy. I am loyal and capable of being in a commitment. I don't cheat. I hope for the best. I believe in people.  She was a lot younger... Buffed my sick ego. I'm in great shape for my age. I am in better shape than most guys in their 20s and I'm 52. I don't look 52. Younger women are attracted to me and I to them. A curse I'm sure.
Logged
frag1911
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 80


« Reply #18 on: November 16, 2013, 10:31:20 PM »

Hi, folks.  I'm sorry, I haven't read all of the posts for this.  I promise I will later, but I've scanned most of them.

I like this comparison to control and conditioning.  My own example is that my exBPDex-g/f would come home upset because I had disappointed her by not texting or calling when she expected me to.  As soon as she got through the door she began accusing me of cheating or lying because if I wasn't then I would have texted or called her.  What I had tried to explain to my uBPDex-g/f was how abusive this is, and she denied that it was.

So I compared it to having a dog.  I described to her that if she came home everyday and kicked that dog when she got home, it would stop coming to greet you everyday, and probably cower every time she walked by.  Her response: "You're not a dog!"

She doesn't understand metaphor and simile.  Even in counseling, she didn't get it.  Oh well.

I was her "hero", and I like doing things for people.  I like empowering women.  I enjoyed pleasing her and making her special. 
Logged
frag1911
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 80


« Reply #19 on: November 16, 2013, 11:32:27 PM »

I wanted to post an image (art) that my BPDex-g/f sent me on FB, which I think is pertinent to the thread.  But I had to ask someone before I did it.  So I was asked not to and to describe the image instead.

There's a bird on the ground with an arrow in it.  A man is walking over to help the bird, but the woman is behind him, pulling on his coat.  The words are "I really wants U... ."

My ex-g/f sent this to me, and the first thought I had was how visually descriptive this is to a lot of our pwBPD.  My thought was here is this woman (my ex-g/f) pulling me away from a wounded animal, because her wants are more important than helping a helpless animal.
Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #20 on: November 17, 2013, 12:44:48 AM »

Frag ... The wounded bird. Just my take on this... .she sees the compassionate man with the big,kind and loving heart helping the wounded bird. That is how disordered females find their victims. She has her sucker.

To avoid the wrath of the gentler sex I will add that disordered men would employ that tactic also. Peace ladies.
Logged
starshine
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: out of r/s w/baby daddy 15 yrs, out of r/s w/N/BPD exbf 2+ yrs
Posts: 172



« Reply #21 on: November 17, 2013, 04:48:37 AM »

I think about this one a lot, as I have had more than on BPD romantic relationship and come from a family with a PD parent.

While there are many unhealthy reasons we put up with their behavior (what we grew up with, like the drama, low self-esteem, etc.), sometimes, especially with the more high functioning BPs, they are just a good match for us in every other way except the disorder. We may like the same hobbies, have similar biorhythms, parent the same way, laugh at the same jokes... .

Not everyone was in a relationship with a lot of major ups and downs, always waiting for the good BP to come back. I had a pretty decent relationship with my long-term BP for a number of years--very minor red flag behaviors, no arguments, mostly mutual satisfaction, etc. It wasn't until the intimacy button got pushed (actually his idea, suggesting we live together) that all his weirdness came out. His "quirks" (in retrospect early red flags) were so minor that they were really very easy to tolerate.



Granted I didn't know anything about PDs at the time, and now I have a lower tolerance for quirks. I'm still a fairly tolerant person, though, and I usually try to look for a benevolent reason for someone's actions. It seems like a lot of us here are healer types or more compassionate, empathic, easy going people than the general public. In the context of a disordered relationship, that turns into enabling. Unfortunate, because we should be able to be kind without it biting us in the butt.

Trying to be nice without being a doormat is a hard tightrope to walk.

In bold: My waif seemed like a normal guy (high functioning) at first, and it wasn't until we moved in together that things started getting weird.  He lived with me for 3 1/2 years while we rehabbed an old old house.  He balked at me and my kids moving in, slowing down the progress on the rehab to a crawl.  I was carrying the financial burden for the project by this point, as he had run out of money- for the 2nd time in 4 years.  At the beginning of our relationship I literally watched him go through $250,000 in a couple years only to run out.  Then he inherited $180,000 - which he blew through in less than 2 years.  So he was out of money again, and I took on the responsibility of paying the bills.  Oh man, he had all sorts of physical symptoms that made it impossible for him to finish the house project, but he had time and energy to rollerblade 30-60 miles a day.  Once the kids and I moved into the rehabbed house with him it was a matter of a month before he had his first panic/meltdown.  Sweating, shaking, crying- all about going to my family's for Thanksgiving.  It seemed weird to me, since he always loved going to my family's house for the holidays.  Why did I stay? I was financially, emotionally, and spiritually invested.  I didn't hear of BPD until after he broke up with me.  Its been very difficult to imagine that that beautiful man with such a beautiful brain is really a twisted sick dysfunctional mess who will most likely never heal, since he won't take responsibility or admit that there is a problem.
Logged
PattyG

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 29


« Reply #22 on: November 17, 2013, 08:57:11 AM »

I think for me some of it was my FOO. Ultimately... .she conditioned me to the abuse. The need for her affection and the random way it was given. My need to believe my dream that it could work with her... .that once she realized I was a sincere loving person she would have to love me. My ability to rationalize all the horrible events she brought to my life and think she learned from them like a normal person would. To refuse to see her without rose colored glasses.
Logged
hergestridge
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 760


« Reply #23 on: November 21, 2013, 05:14:55 PM »

Before I met my BPD wide I was used to unhealthy/abusive relationships.

- From ages 8-12 I had a "best friend" who was jealous and didn't allow me to have other friends (!). The "friend" found it easily to emotionally blackmail me. Quite advanced for being a kid.

- From age 17-19 I was "best friends" with a girl who already was engaged to another guy. She had no friends, was scared of being alone and realized that I had fallen in love with her. I spent all the time I could with her and did everything she told me. At the end of our friendship I even moved in with her during the weeks (she saw her fiencee during the weekends). She was sociophobic and kept me more or less as a pet. She was afraid of sleeping alone at night.

- At age 21 I met my now (BPD)wife. Within a year I had lost contact with all my friends and was availble to my wife 24/7 (totally adaptive to her mood swings/anxiety attacks).

So why do I put up with stuff like this? Because I'm so afraid to leave I guess, afraid of the consequences. All the three people above appreciated my "politeness" and "friendliness" because it meant I was always available and wouldn't leave when others did.

I almost broke up with my wife five years ago. She said she wanted children. I said I was not going to do that. She gave me an ultimatum; either we have a kid or I leave! I told her to leave. She didn't. She stayed and gave me the same ultimatum a fqw months later, this time with an attatchment; "I also want to marry you!". Of course I said yes. Saying no at that point, after 14 years would be too cruel.

This is how I f**k my life up. I told her for 13 years - I do not want children. Then I fell for the BPD tactics.

Now the child is here (a daughter that I love beyond words!), our marriage is very rocky she can't handle the stress of family life (which she so dearly wanted). She's lost interest in me and failed in as many ways as ever possible, but she seeks my company day and night.

So now I'm into it knee-deep. I don't want the mother of my child out there making a mess of her life. I can't stand the thought.

For years I thought she would get better. Now I just to stop her from getting worse.
Logged
Gidget
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: married
Posts: 132


« Reply #24 on: December 23, 2013, 05:31:49 AM »

Very interesting and it had me really thinking. I guess I allowed to be sprayed in the face because I always wanted my daughter to know that no matter what she did to me I would always love her. What I am actually realizing that I to was looking and fearing my own need for love. I wanted her to love me just as much as I loved her. I realize I was as healthy as I thought I was.
Logged
joekro

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 45


« Reply #25 on: January 23, 2014, 12:44:52 PM »

Perfidy, very intuitive analysis of the wounded bird image... . she's not stopping the "gentle" man from aiding the bird, she has simply given him his first dose of love potion for she knows she has discovered a well, overflowing, and she is always parched. For me, afflicted with my own NPD (not diagnosed but personal analysis), I enjoyed every second of my r/s with her, a full blown BPD. The lows were a journey into darkness, that carried an odd appeal for me because I consider myself a rather lighthearted person. The highs blew a hole in the sky, which I personally believe is why we stay, that and our optimistic desire that one morning you'll wake up and the nightmare is over. Over for your loved one... . for good. 
Logged
tabular
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 66


« Reply #26 on: January 23, 2014, 04:15:02 PM »

I'd say that in my case it was love, yes. But once his behaviour started to bother me, I think it was my fear of failure. I have this mindset that when I commit, I commit, and I won't give up until I've tried everything in the book. This is probably also why it is so hard for me to let him go, because he beat me to it. I still had some things in that book that I did not try. Now I know that it was for the best, but not so long ago it was devastating. And oddly enough, he pretty much 'bullied' me into committing instantly once we started to go out. Of course at that time I did not interpret it as controlling behaviour, silly me felt flattered that he was OH SO in love.
Logged
joekro

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 45


« Reply #27 on: January 23, 2014, 04:59:52 PM »

Being in a r/s with a borderline is a tough hike to the summit... . the whole duality of it, I mean they enter your life with guns a blazin' and when they leave it, blaring silence. Also, I don't think the non really has any say when it's over, I honestly don't think I've seen the last of her. And, I'm totally ok with that. We began as friends, best friends, about 20+ yrs ago but lost contact a few years later. I found her about a year ago and KABOOM! We left the best friend status at the door and had a Tornadic affair (she's married). We had to end our romance due to our careless communication techniques and now she's just trying to stay married, and I fully support her decision.

Yes, we were intimate but I think (hope) that because our early friendship was based on intellectual stimulation instead of physical, that I sit in a seat that is usually vacant. The rare occasion that a borderline trusts another. I could go on an on about it but I will save it for another day.

Good Luck
Logged
santa
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 725


« Reply #28 on: January 23, 2014, 05:19:03 PM »

Well, lets see.

For the first few months, I put up with it because I thought I was in love.

Then, for about 8 months, I put up with it because she had broken into my place and stalked me to a point that I was afraid of her.

After that, she filed false charges against me, so I stayed with her and put up with it until I could clear my name.

Then, while that was still going on, she got pregnant, so I put with it for the 9 months she was pregnant and then 15 months after that because I thought we were trying to have a family.

Then she left and took off with our daughter.

Basically, the whole thing blew up in my face.

I gave it a good effort though, so that's all I could do.
Logged
Samsara121

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 31



« Reply #29 on: June 09, 2014, 06:44:43 PM »

Thank you for sharing this interesting experience with your students.

My FOO was very abusive to me and my sister. My father was a violent alcoolic, sex addict, absent and self-absorbed. My mother was a workalcoolic, absent and 200% in denial of the family situation. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional deprivation, complete absence of validation made me and my sister grow in a world where the abuse was the rule.

So how can you explain water to a fish?

Awareness is a slow process, it took me years of therapy and a safe and nurturing bound to understand where I came from. That I was a vector of this violence as well if  I would not seriously take care of it.

Today I'm not sure I would even have accepted to say again the alphabet... . before finding the website I was already opposing myself to the insults and disrespect my pwBPDex was honoring me with. I knew if was not relate to me, but I was still hurting because it would erode my confidence and my feeling of a secure relationship.

Peace

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!