5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

[Think About It...]

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder on the website has helped me heal, stay NC and accept BPD more than any other thing that I read (trust me, there has been a lot).  

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"  [Read original text here]

BPD mood swings and past break-up / make-up cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, that you can return idealization stage (that you cherish) and the “dream come true” (that your partner holds dear), this is not realistic thinking.

Idealization built on “dream come true” fairytale beliefs is not the hallmark of relationship maturity and stability - it is the hallmark of a very fragile, unstable relationship.

As natural relationship realities that develop over tie clash with the dream, the relationship starts breaking down. Rather than growing and strengthening over time, the relationship erodes over time.

As someone who did MC with mine, I really found this one true.  Once I started understanding something bigger was going on, I did try to balance into just not having chaos, but the idealization phase kept me hanging in for sure.  And I did want that back.  Taking this a step further, I think this myth ties to the mirroring for me.  My exuBPD seemed to change her beliefs quickly - what I realize now is she no longer was mirroring me, but quoting the new people in her life.  I was so confused how a person could change their core values - now I realize w/o a sense of self, one cannot have core values.

What does this myth mean to you?


More information
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[seeking balance]

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder on the website has helped me heal, stay NC and accept BPD more than any other thing that I read (trust me, there has been a lot).  

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"  [Read original text here]

BPD mood swings and past break-up / make-up cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, that you can return idealization stage (that you cherish) and the “dream come true” (that your partner holds dear), this is not realistic thinking.

Idealization built on “dream come true” fairytale beliefs is not the hallmark of relationship maturity and stability - it is the hallmark of a very fragile, unstable relationship.

As natural relationship realities that develop over tie clash with the dream, the relationship starts breaking down. Rather than growing and strengthening over time, the relationship erodes over time.

As someone who did MC with mine, I really found this one true.  Once I started understanding something bigger was going on, I did try to balance into just not having chaos, but the idealization phase kept me hanging in for sure.  And I did want that back.  Taking this a step further, I think this myth ties to the mirroring for me.  My exuBPD seemed to change her beliefs quickly - what I realize now is she no longer was mirroring me, but quoting the new people in her life.  I was so confused how a person could change their core values - now I realize w/o a sense of self, one cannot have core values.

What does this myth mean to you?


More information
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[Overcomingbpd]

This myth was my ray of hope. I just knew things had been so wonderful before there was no way those feelings could have changed.Something that wonderful and perfect could not just disappear for no reason. I just knew he would "snap out of it" and we would be normal again. MC also helped me see that this was not going to happen, we had a new reality. It was like we had fallen into the abyss .  Things were not going to get better, they couldn't he was sick. Then the realization that they never were what I thought because he had been mirroring me...I can not even tell you what a heart break that reality check was, then again if your here I probably don't need to.

[findingmyselfagain]

My undiagnosed (as far as I know) BP ex-fiance was my first "love"...so I was particulary intoxicated by the romance and physical relationship. Within 2 weeks she was telling me she loved me and what a wonderful man I was. Sometimes she'd just stare at me while I was driving. Sending me cards saying she couldn't wait to fulfill our dreams together. I was one of the guys who goes on a hundred first dates but doesn't get anywhere so having this girl who's fairly attractive into me seems like a God-send. We texted constantly and hung out 4-5 nights a week with each other. She always said "we talked about everything" and "loved doing "stuff" with me". She had her tantrums occasionally and acted funny but I didn't feel like I was doing a lot of rescuing. It wasn't until after we broke up that I found out how insecure she was and how she didn't tell me everything she was thinking. And she was upset with ME because I didn't get her? Our break-up was ambiguous, too. She gave me my ring back but everything was "really up in the air." She texted me regularly for a month and then we'd email or FB back and forth before the break-up became "super-official". Since then I've decided on NC and just looking to move on.


The hardest part for me was believing so much in her and our relationship, and then the sudden dropoff in affection and emotion. Wondering how we could go from 100 texts a day to nothing and her hardly wanting to talk to me. The one good yahoo chat we had she said she missed talking to me but didn't want to signal to me that we'd get back together. I'm guessing the relationship ffelt a lot different to her and maybe she realized she couldn't keep pretending to be "normal". I think she tried VERY HARD, but her ex-husband moved here, the wedding planning, emotional abuse from her father, 3 hours of commuting, and having a 2 y/o would be a lot for a normal person to process.

I'm mentally moving on the best I can and realizing that though it was a ROUGH experience b/c of how it ended. I'm learning more about relationships and childhood issues than if we stayed together. Maybe we would have figured things out maybe we would've had serious problems.

[confused!!!]

"5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

That's exactly what kept me stuck. Because things did go back to "the way they used to be." At least for a little while. It happened... over and over and over again ad nauseum. (Recycling anyone?

I'm actually glad she went NC on me. It's been a difficult journey but now that I have the perspective of (emotional) distance (6 months?), I can see how distorted the whole thing was. I am to blame as well, as I myself didn't have a strong enough sense of what I wanted or would tolerate in a relationship. Especially one as challenging as this one.  I'm actually glad I've been given the chance to re-evaluate my core values, beliefs, boundaries, etc. I'm a much stronger and better me than I ever was before the crazy making of that relationship. A blessing in disguise.

As I look back on the series of events that occurred early on, I can't even imagine tolerating those things now. The new me has firm boundaries and good tools to protect my now somewhat thicker skin. That's another one of the positives gained... thicker skin.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Im done]

A more realistic representation of your relationship is the one you recently experienced.

I focused on this particular line.

If I looked at the relationship and the person I was with solely for the last 2 years before the relationship ended and if I discounted anything before that, I realized that I was dealing with a liar, a cheater, someone who treated me like garbage, someone who belittled and criticized me, someone who mocked me behind my back to his girl friends, on and on. You get the picture.

Realized if I stayed, nothing would change - this is the person that I would continue to be with.  Didn't matter what he or the relationship was like in the past - he was no longer that person and ours was no longer that relationship.

This is probably the case in any relationship though - the most realistic representation is the relationship you recently experience.

[snucker25]

This myth is what is killing me right now.  He hasn't even officially broken up with me - its been nine days of NC and then changed his relationship status on FB.  Not to single.  To nothing.  Without a word.

I also cannot accept right now that everything could go from perfect to awful in a matter of hours.  Literally.  Constant contact, constant physical affection to nothing, as if I never even existed.

I have only had one session with my T and am going back this afternoon after the "dumping" on FB this morning.  I hadn't thought about the "mirroring" and just the thought of that makes me feel sick inside.  I don't want the last year to have been a lie. 

He was always the one to bring up the future - marriage, house, trips, etc.  Now I am starting to think that he was constantly living in the future, but tomorrow never comes, does it?

[seeking balance]

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

The idealization stages of a relationship with a BPD partner can be intoxicating and wonderful. But, as in any relationship, the "honeymoon" stage passes.

The idealization that one or both of you would like to return to isn't sustainable. It never was. The loss of this dream (or the inability to transition in to a healthy next phase of love) may be what triggered the demise of the relationship to begin with.

BPD mood swings and cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, you can return to the "idealization". Your BPD partner may believe this too.

A more realistic representation of your relationship is the one you have recently experienced.

If a more realistic representation of your relationship is the one from the last 50% vs. the first 50% of the relationship, would you want this relationship as your lifetime commitment?

Why do you think we get stuck in this false belief?

[squaredots]

Simple - we get stuck because we want to believe. Prob is pwBpd is so attuned to our idealistic senses, we never experienced anything like it.
SB you are brilliant - I can sense myself idealising you as I write 

[LaoWho]

Early relationship brain chemistry addiction, co-dependency, the need to save/help, thinking we're pot-committed (a poker reference, aka protecting your investment), and ultimately, to fuel it all, our own projections of who we think they are but for their condition, as if there could be such a thing (though this is probably the difficulty of abandoning who we thought they were before we knew them better).

LW

[seeking balance]

SB you are brilliant - I can sense myself idealising you as I write 

oh, my altruistic narcissist side loves hearing that...

I guess I should say, I don't write this stuff - I just dig it up and bring it here 

[squaredots]

Which serves perfectly to illustrate the point. Alas, if only it were true ...

[seeking balance]

Which serves perfectly to illustrate the point. Alas, if only it were true ...

SD,
I find that belief 5 really ties back to belief 1 - meaning the "idealization" part came in during a time when my self confidence was very shacky.  I was between jobs, had physical injury and frankly "saving" ex gave me a lot of satisfaction.  I am serious when I say that I have really had to look in the mirror at the altruistic narcissism part - I was getting self worth from saving and fixing her rather than deal with my own emotions.  On one side, she was saving me because she thought I was brilliant & talented and I was not getting that self confidence by being unemployed.

The BPD/npd relation is quite interesting.  There is healthy narcissism; however, how many of us here found ourselves being altruistic narcissist to gain some self worth due to other factors in our lives?

[squaredots]

Maybe it was the right r/s at the right time, albeit a fatal pairing? I totally get that BPD/NPD coupling. I can also confirm that we got together at a time when each of us were dealing with some pretty major challenges and we were both pretty shaky, so in all seriousness I do get your point and it is well made.
SD

[oceanblue]

In my case, there were instances when things returned to the honeymoon phase - of course, in those cases we were ignoring all of the big issues like money and fidelity - so there was no real relationship happening then either - but it felt good.  I entered my BPD relationship after a divorce when I was very vulnerable.  My BPDbf lifted me out of the post-divorce muck, mirrored me and made me feel good.  So, I think because of my vulnerability at the time, the good feeling felt even better than it would have normally.  These feelings were addictive and when they were gone - I bent over backwards to get them back, placate the BPD and try to restore order.  It worked enough times that it fueled me to keep going. 

My BPD also shattered my self-esteem with all the blame games and crazy-making.  It made me afraid to be on my own - overly dependent on him.  He also isolated me from friends which made things worse.  This made it harder to leave him and stay away.

At the time I also didn't understand BPD so I expected, with enough love, money, time, acceptance, my BPD would stabilize and we would return to the honeymoon phase.  Understanding BPD now, I realize that won't happen and I have had way too many low periods, lying, cheating to forgive him even if he wanted to change.

[gettingoverit]

This is the main reason why I stayed in it for so long, even after she started breaking up with me every spring. I felt like I was always chasing a ghost of who she used to be. The beginning of the "Elationship" was so amazing. I had never experienced that before. I wanted that more than anything else. I put up with a lot because I thought with time we could move back to something like the beginning but more balanced. I worked my arse off hoping we would go back to that...it happened less and less. However by that time she not only had her hooks into my soul, but also had me utterly convinced that the problems in our relationship were all my fault in how I reacted to things. It was a bad bad situation, one I am not sure I'll ever completely get over. If it had not been for that damn Idealization period, it most likely would have ended much sooner.

[spiralthorns]

I can SERIOUSLY relate to this.  Things were so perfect for the first while that I felt completely committed to fixing things when they went south.  It turned out, however, that the person she was during those good months really did not and does not exist.  She created a false persona to lure me in and takes no responsibility for this.  Ugh.

[WhiteDoe]

This is the main reason why I stayed in it for so long, even after she started breaking up with me every spring. I felt like I was always chasing a ghost of who she used to be. The beginning of the "Elationship" was so amazing. I had never experienced that before. I wanted that more than anything else. I put up with a lot because I thought with time we could move back to something like the beginning but more balanced. I worked my arse off hoping we would go back to that...it happened less and less. However by that time she not only had her hooks into my soul, but also had me utterly convinced that the problems in our relationship were all my fault in how I reacted to things. It was a bad bad situation, one I am not sure I'll ever completely get over. If it had not been for that damn Idealization period, it most likely would have ended much sooner.

Yes, I can relate to your comments, gettingoverit... I could have written your words myself...Aghh... 

I thought he was just "stressed out" going though his divorce process... I poured my loved into him, supported him tirelessly ... but, in time I came to realize that it became “all about him”... I gave and gave trying to "get him back"... I couldn’t imagine that all those beautiful times we shared, the poems he wrote for me, the amazing love making… all part of BPD “idealization”… is wasn’t a building step into a lasting healthy relationship?  Well, it was for me… I guess that was my “insanity”… I was willing to do my work, to learn and grow with this man that I loved so very much... I thought he was on the same journey together with me... I could I have known that he was completely incapable of maintaining a healthy intimate relationship with me? God, how I wanted this to work...

Apparently, the emotionally dysregulated man that I became to see was the "real him". The crazy “dark moods” became more frequent and so illogical, so painful for me… His thinking was “distorted” at times. Also, he apparently had no ability to “filter” his thoughts and would blurt out such cruel, hurtful things to me… My heart would ache inside and I would try to hold my tears... I loved him sooo much. What was I doing wrong here? I couldn’t give anymore of “me”… I was losing myself… And I couldn’t bring him “back”… I had no idea where he went? I just wanted our relationship to “return” to the amazing times we shared in our beginnings… I meant every word I said to him then… Nothing in me “changed”, I was the same girl… Who was he? Why was he "throwing us away"?

He never once stopped to consider or even care how I was feeling? I was his last consideration, his last priority... He gave me only his "leftovers". I tried so hard because I believed in "us"... I believed in the beautiful promises of our first year together… I believed that he was my gift, the love I’d never found… I believed it when he told me that he “loved me, adored me, craved me and lived to be with me"... I believed his words and trusted him… even after he gave me many reasons to not trust him? His words and actions did not add up?
 
I couldn't imagine how any human being could be so "in love" with me when I was around him and then "forget about" the tender love we shared once I was out of his arms, his sight? It was surreal to me? I would cry when I left him, not because I was “missing him” to the point of tears but rather, because I knew that he would “drift”, become more distant as time went by… I never understand this behavior?  Why couldn't he "remember", remember "us"...? I used to kiss him goodbye and whisper in his ear, "remember, remember us"... It became my ritual with him... Even in our phone conversations... Aghh... Poignant for him to think about now... I didn't know anything about BPD or NPD back then... Poignant, indeed...

The confusion, the excruciating pain, the escalating fear deep inside that he would leave me… and of course, that is just what he did… Abruptly on Valentine's Day, with no reason, no understanding, no kindness, no closure… just out of nowhere he comes to tell me that “you are not the one, I need to be with other woman”… Yet all he wants to do is make love to me after telling me this? My heart is broken into a million pieces... I feel as though I can hardly breathe... I am so shocked, devastated by this...  and 3 months later, he’s “in love” and sleeping with someone else? Unconscionable… He is/was without question the most selfish and brutally insensitive human being that I have ever met… He lacked any semblance of empathy… It is baffling… Narcissism?… Aghh… I had no idea what that felt like before him, but I know the horrific pain and agony on the other end of narcissism now…

Part of me still “hopes”, still “longs” for him… I want him to "remember'... But, I know that is my stuff. He is seriously mentally ill. He never loved me at all. He “loved me” as an “object”, a "pretty woman" to have sex with, to use and then brutally discard… I was easily “replaced” by another and my feelings as a woman who loved this man so deeply, didn’t matter at all…. I was simply “trashed” and forgotten…

BPD/NPD is a painful mental illness. God, how I wish I had never met this man… I hope one day I will heal and come to believe that meeting him was a “gift” to my life… I am trying to work on “me” and unlock the “reasons” that I chose to keep loving and supporting a man who treated me so abusively… It is still difficult for me to use the term “abuse”… but, it was… It was horrific emotional abuse...

Maybe this is a good beginning… to remove my defensive protection of him and start protecting “me”…

There is no way back to the way things used to be...

Thank you for listening… This community is my God send…

WhiteDoe

[bigredneck]

I can SERIOUSLY relate to this.  Things were so perfect for the first while that I felt completely committed to fixing things when they went south.  It turned out, however, that the person she was during those good months really did not and does not exist.  She created a false persona to lure me in and takes no responsibility for this.  Ugh.

Totally relate.  The first time we broke up, when we were dating, I was so devastated that my parents were worried I was going to need to be committed.  I was walking around in circles, talking to myself to think things through, nearly lost my job because in the middle of the recession I kept asking to be transferred to our NYC office when my boss was in my city.  Our break up was the first real BPD experience (she left me for a guy she had hung around a few times because he was 'her soulmate' because he liked to stay up late (because he was a coke addict) and could remember what wine she liked; we had dated for 1.5 years at this point) and she had been a saint before then.  After we were married and I remember my parents visiting and me crying on my bed about how I 'just wanted everything to be like it was before'

[belowglide]

I bent over backwards to get them back, placate the BPD and try to restore order.  It worked enough times that it fueled me to keep going. 

My BPD also shattered my self-esteem with all the blame games and crazy-making.  It made me afraid to be on my own - overly dependent on him.  He also isolated me from friends which made things worse.  This made it harder to leave him and stay away.

At the time I also didn't understand BPD so I expected, with enough love, money, time, acceptance, my BPD would stabilize and we would return to the honeymoon phase.  Understanding BPD now, I realize that won't happen and I have had way too many low periods, lying, cheating to forgive him even if he wanted to change.

Been there seen that. Its so demoralising. You question your own inner beliefs after going through so much. How good a person are you. How effective a person are you. Why are you so optimistic. Are you too meek.Why do you trust everyone and anyone. Was your trust in your SO so unfounded and unreal.If you can see things so clearly now, how come you missed out the signs earlier(i"ve been married to her for 20 years and knew her for 30).

Its such a wicked world is'nt it(and that was one of her favourite words)

[Gladto be away]

OH lord it's like reading a book of his and I's relationship.
I kept thinking if only I could change. If only I could do more, give him more money, etc, etc, I could get us back to where we were.