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Highly Recommended Book ... One of the main ways we keep ourselves involved in addictive, negative and hurtful relationships is to pretend that this negative present moment isn’t happening. In this book, Margalis Fjelstad, PhD., shows that the only way out of an addictive relationship is to change how we function, what we are willing to put up with, and to develop the courage to make changes.
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Author Topic: Is BPD behavior contagious?  (Read 1303 times)
openminder
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« on: April 08, 2011, 05:28:03 AM »

In SWOE (the workbook at least) it says somewhere that BPD behavior is contagious.

Must say that after 4 years of being with my gf whom I think has strong BPD tendencies, I'm not sure if I've got them as well. When I fill out the list in SWOE, it sure seems that way...

Just wondering if this is a self-esteem issue or if it's really BPD.
I'm actually going in therapy to find out what's wrong with me...

A lot of things that have happened are so subtle, so subject to multiple interpretations that I've lost the ability to see what's reasonable or strange behavior and what's not (apart from the fact that I've done incredibly unreasonable things, which I acknowledge).
When she's angry (and a lot of times she has reason to be, sometimes not), I can deal with it.
But some of the things that are said or done, which seem demeaning, sarcastic or put-downs are so subtle, it's really hard to tell what's going on.

Anyone have similar experiences?
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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2011, 10:15:38 AM »

Those are fleas  PD traits

It's good to recognize them as they come up, like realizing you are doing something out of character, and making it a point to improve yourself in that area.

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openminder
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« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2011, 11:51:41 AM »

uh... okay, it's been about 4 years since I last went on this forum.
I have no idea what a  PD traits is.  ? ?
If you can offer an explanation, thanks...

Is it in a book anywhere?
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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2011, 11:54:08 AM »

Here is a link with a little write-up

http://www.BPD411.org/fleas.html
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« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2011, 12:22:47 PM »

A flea! How creative.
 cool
Before I came to this board, I thought that there was something perhaps wrong with me. I mean, after all these years of Ts working with my H, and no one being able to help, and meds not helping, I was the next logical conclusion...

Clearly, that was way outta the ball park.

I do have a question about that article, however; it mentions that nons have to work on self esteem issues. I have a great self esteem! I love my self, and generally really like life (unless the H is bringing me down) so what gives? Do I really have self esteem problems? Is it, and can it be more for nons?

Yoda
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openminder
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« Reply #5 on: April 08, 2011, 01:19:41 PM »

Hey WalrusGumboot, never knew about fleas. Thanks for the link.
I tried scoring on that site and got 70, so not too bad.

The definite PD traits that I have though is this:

Controlling- What the BP does to the Non. Control every facet of the relationship making life very difficult. This can start off with an intense’ curiosity’ about what the Non is or isn’t doing, progress to demands for details of what was said by whom and when, to listening in on telephone conversations or opening mail or reading email, gross violations of privacy and personal boundaries.
I did the whole shebang, right up to the gross violations of privacy and am now deeply ashamed .
Is this some extreme co-dependency issue maybe?

Don't think I had this going on until my gf (with BPD traits) said she liked a guy she met at the gym. That slingshot me way, way, way into Controlling mode (has to with a trauma in my past).

Come to think of it: it's not even really a flea I think, because she isn't that controlling as far as I can tell... mmm...

Yoda, I definitely have self-esteem issues. Maybe I was able to control them before, but definitely the worms crawled out of the woodwork when she started to get really interested in another guy and I seemed to get the 'in-second-place' treatment. Should have had your healthy attitude of loving yourself.
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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2011, 01:58:07 PM »

I do have a question about that article, however; it mentions that nons have to work on self esteem issues. I have a great self esteem! I love my self, and generally really like life (unless the H is bringing me down) so what gives? Do I really have self esteem problems? Is it, and can it be more for nons?

Hi Yoda,

If you have a great self-esteem, that is awesome. Some of us have esteem issues that are more apparent than others. I am in the rebuilding phase. Just the word "self" suggests that we have to look inward and examine ourselves. For myself, I have been too busy looking after stbxw for all those years to work on myself. Just her leaving my presence on a daily basis has helped me tremendously.

WG
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« Reply #7 on: April 08, 2011, 02:01:49 PM »

Watch out when they start idolizing another person who is the opposite sex if they are straight.  This happened to me too, I was compared to this other guy (married coworker) who flirted with my wife.  Until she cheated on me with him.  Once they start idolizing the other person, that person could easily become your replacement, if that other person is interested.  For me the other guy just wanted to use my wife for sex, which meant that my wife didn't really have a replacement.  If that guy did want a relationship, who knows.  Just an FYI.  Not trying to cause you to become more jealous.  You need to realize you can't stop another person from cheating.  It they want to do it, they will do it.  It doesn't hurt to keep an eye out though.  I too wasn't the jealous type until I met my wife.  I am now just realizing that the idea that I have no control over her and her actions means I don't have to worry so much about her doing what I think she might.  If she does it is her choice, and my choice of whether or not I will put up with it.  
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Major_Dad
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« Reply #8 on: April 08, 2011, 02:48:52 PM »

I am fairly certain that my BPDW's stepmother was/is BPD or close to it. BPDW was the oldest child and was split black right away after her father remarried. Even when I met her, she was the "black sheep" even though she was not drug abusing or violent. Her SM used her flea ridden father as a negative advocate to harass everything she did. I was her knight in shining armor, rescuing Cinderella. And all was good until we had kids. Then the witch came out.  Devilish So enough  PD traits can apparently turn you into a dog.
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openminder
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« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2011, 03:28:21 PM »

Hey Ace,

Thanks for the reply.

Quote
Once they start idolizing the other person, that person could easily become your replacement, if that other person is interested...  I am now just realizing that the idea that I have no control over her and her actions means I don't have to worry so much about her doing what I think she might.

this seems like what is happening. I think the guy she met is a relentless hunter, charming her with a certain type of melodramatic attention that gives me the creeps. He's 12 years older than my gf, married and apparently did quite well financially (while I'm struggling to get my business going). Although she adamantly denies having had sex, I don't trust her at all. She makes these small demeaning remarks and dubious jabs which feels like a comparison is made, although it's hardly ever explicit. It ate away at my self-esteem for quite some time.

I know I can't control her actions, but apart from being unfaithful (which would be a big showstopper for me), I'm always seriously concerned about VD to be honest. I've heard too many stories about friends of mine getting a VD from either a cheating spouse or being in a more 'open' relationship.

Don't they have any control at all over their actions? When you say "once they start idolizing" isn't there a shred of common sense that no one is ideal? Mmm, I guess you don't really have to answer that...

Oh well, she'll probably end up with this guy and the cycle will start all over again...
and again...
and again...

BTW. How did you find out that she cheated? Was she honest about it? (I can understand if you would rather not answer that...)
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