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Author Topic: Separation and anniversary  (Read 5420 times)
Annaleigh
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« on: April 21, 2011, 08:14:06 AM »

I asked H if he wanted to go on a weekend getaway, he said he'll give it some thought.  I got this email from H:

"I have conflicted feelings about celebrating our anniversary this year.  I enjoy very much going to new and romantic places with you.  However I’m not completely sure this is the right thing to do right now or does it send a confusing message right now given our situation.  How do you feel?  What are your thoughts?   I'm listening."

I replied that I was unclear on what he meant by confusing message and asked that he help me understand.  My thoughts are he doesn't want to celebrate our marriage when we are living apart since that seems weird.  It is weird.  I suppose he is unsure that he wants to stay married?

Thoughts? 


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shelldancer
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« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2011, 08:56:57 AM »

I went through something similar to this a few weeks back.  I moved out and am living with my parents and april 10th was our 1 year anniversary.  I wanted to celebrate our anniversary but my H didnt, since we were living apart ( im living apart from him for a few reasons you can read my other posts to see why).  He said its not a marriage if we are living apart why celebrate it.  I still went ahead and got him a really sweet gift ( he loves puzzles, so it was our wedding picture that i made into a puzzle) and asked if we could still see eachother that day.  I told him that I understood if he didnt want to celebrate our marriage due to our situation and that he didnt have to, but that i got him something small and would still like to see him that day.  I did end up going to the house and we had a simple dinner that we ordered in.  I think it made him feel that I actually DO care, even though im not living with him.  I feel if I didnt do anything that it would have some how blown up in my face. I dont know about your situation or why you are living apart, but perhaps your H feels that you are already "gone" since you are not living in the house.  I know my H feels since im not physically there with him, I am not there emotionally. So maybe tell your H that you understand if he doesnt want to celebrate your marriage bc your situation is confusing, but that you love him and want to spend time with him on your anniversary bc your marriage is important to you.  Or maybe ask him to go away a different weekend so spend quality time together and just enjoy eachother rather than focusing on an anniversary.

Not sure if this would help, but I thought I would put my two cents in since i went through this a few weeks ago.

Good luck
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FreeNclear
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« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2011, 09:47:35 AM »

Annaleigh,

I have felt your anxiety through your messages grow and grow over the last week and I feel for you.  I think you should just try something.  First, don't assume you know what his words mean.  (Because he likely doesn't really know--he is confused, like you are.)  Second, go out on a limb/be a person/try an experiment.  Tell him exactly how you feel.  Say, I'm sad at the current situation.  I was very hopeful when you said you would look into therapy.  Now I'm worried that you don't really want to, and I'm probably overinterpreting what you say.  I want to work on this, but "this" is both of us, and both of us have to work.  I don't want to guess how you feel anymore.  Can you tell me how you feel about this, and whether you are willing to work on it?

I usually get too wordy.  The less words the better.  He needs to hear that you are sad and afraid. 

Please hang in there.
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Annaleigh
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« Reply #3 on: April 21, 2011, 10:13:50 AM »

I went through something similar to this a few weeks back.  I moved out and am living with my parents and april 10th was our 1 year anniversary.  I wanted to celebrate our anniversary but my H didnt, since we were living apart ( im living apart from him for a few reasons you can read my other posts to see why).  He said its not a marriage if we are living apart why celebrate it.  I still went ahead and got him a really sweet gift ( he loves puzzles, so it was our wedding picture that i made into a puzzle) and asked if we could still see eachother that day.  I told him that I understood if he didnt want to celebrate our marriage due to our situation and that he didnt have to, but that i got him something small and would still like to see him that day.  I did end up going to the house and we had a simple dinner that we ordered in.  I think it made him feel that I actually DO care, even though im not living with him.  I feel if I didnt do anything that it would have some how blown up in my face. I dont know about your situation or why you are living apart, but perhaps your H feels that you are already "gone" since you are not living in the house.  I know my H feels since im not physically there with him, I am not there emotionally. So maybe tell your H that you understand if he doesnt want to celebrate your marriage bc your situation is confusing, but that you love him and want to spend time with him on your anniversary bc your marriage is important to you.  Or maybe ask him to go away a different weekend so spend quality time together and just enjoy eachother rather than focusing on an anniversary.

Not sure if this would help, but I thought I would put my two cents in since i went through this a few weeks ago.

Good luck

That is about the sweetest thing I ever heard, the puzzle and being so sweet to him.  I read your posts, it does sound like BPD to me, too.  Rough stuff!  Empathy   I'm glad you found the site and I appreciate your response.  I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with separation and anniversaries.  It's comforting to know other people have made it through these difficult milestones.
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Annaleigh
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« Reply #4 on: April 21, 2011, 10:30:20 AM »

Annaleigh,

I have felt your anxiety through your messages grow and grow over the last week and I feel for you.  I think you should just try something.  First, don't assume you know what his words mean.  (Because he likely doesn't really know--he is confused, like you are.)  Second, go out on a limb/be a person/try an experiment.  Tell him exactly how you feel.  Say, I'm sad at the current situation.  I was very hopeful when you said you would look into therapy.  Now I'm worried that you don't really want to, and I'm probably overinterpreting what you say.  I want to work on this, but "this" is both of us, and both of us have to work.  I don't want to guess how you feel anymore.  Can you tell me how you feel about this, and whether you are willing to work on it?

I usually get too wordy.  The less words the better.  He needs to hear that you are sad and afraid. 

Please hang in there.

That is really good stuff and a great idea.

I'm shaky with the intensity of my feelings right now.  Mad at myself for bringing it up in the first place, I get a little wine in me and I'm spouting all sorts of "great" ideas to him.  rolleyes  Alkeehol gets me in trouble, I get all lovey and spouting, wouldn't it be nice to go to Pagosa Springs and check out the natural hot springs?  SHUT UP ANNALEIGH.

I'm so sick of the shifty sands situations I get myself in.  I know it's the innerchild trying a do-over from childhood.  Conditional love, abuse, unworthiness.  It's me recreating the old hurts and trying to fix them.  It's more than H, it's proving to them, see?  I am lovable!

Sick.  barfy

Putting my worth and value into the hands of a person that has troubles managing his own emotions, let alone dealing with mine.

The sickness in me is trying to manipulate him into what I want (core wound) versus letting him feel however he feels.  Right?  His hurts are tied to invalidation.  He's got his own wounds that drive him the same way.

Old style - be hurt that he doesn't want me or love me.  Truth - he loves me.  Old style - I'm not worthy or of any value.  Truth - I deserve to be loved same as anyone else.  I have a right to my feelings and to be a person.

Screw those FOO lies.

Feeling better.  smiley
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FreeNclear
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« Reply #5 on: April 21, 2011, 12:26:43 PM »

I had to smile--I was literally shaky with this stuff last week and I have been drinking quite a bit.  One thing I've recently learned is NOT to try to talk about after drinking--never a good idea.  Just say no.  Anyway, also Pagosa Springs is one of my favorities!  I'll go with you!

More importantly--don't worry about what you've done wrong and why/where it came from.  Deal with that (or not) some other time.  Just move on from here.  Try not to make it more complicated than it needs to be.  Simplify.  I know, easier said than done.  I am the classic thinker/over-analyzer.  Doesn't help with this stuff. 
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lurchlookalike
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« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2011, 12:53:57 PM »

Ann,

From a man's point of view, and I don't know the details of your situation, celebrating your anniversary while you are separated would send a confusing message if it were me on the receiving end of the invitation, and I was receiving it from a partner who initiatied the separation. I think what your husband is saying is, "Do YOU want to stay married?". What he said sounds like a positive response from his side.
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Annaleigh
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« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2011, 12:55:37 PM »

Yeah, hot springs sounded interesting.  Last anniversary we were in a hot tub in Estes Park during a light spring snow.  There was a jazz festival that weekend in a park next door to our room.  Ten feet away from our door, was the river.  We explored the Stanley, you know the Shining hotel, that ghosthunter show van was there.  We snuck up to the third floor (not allowed but we pretended we were staying there) and took pics to see if we could capture the orbs on camera.  (Google orbs at Stanley hotel if you are interested on that)  

Ah well.

Year before that, we went to Seaworld.  H said, who goes on trips for anniversaries?  I said this anniversary isn't paper, it's killer whale.  I  love  Shamu.  Doing the right thing

 
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2011, 12:57:36 PM »

Quote
I replied that I was unclear on what he meant by confusing message and asked that he help me understand.  My thoughts are he doesn't want to celebrate our marriage when we are living apart since that seems weird.  It is weird.  I suppose he is unsure that he wants to stay married?

Quote
Thoughts?


You actually don't sound that unclear to me about your thinking in term of what he might have meant or what he might be feeling..your sentence following seems like a very good educated guess about what he might be feeling..."he doesn't want to celebrate our marriage when we are living apart since that seems weird.  It is weird." 

That is a validating or at least a pre-validating sentence. It addresses what he wrote to you, without any extra baggage.  That whole thought process was validating of him, until you questioned maybe he doesn't want to stay married.  That was a leap your own brain took, and kind of a scary one.  Here's one possible type of response that validates, gets your feelings on the subject out there, answers his question (he wants to know how you feel about it) and leaves the scary 'what if?' stuff out of it:

 "I'm wondering if you are feeling a little uncomfortable or weird cause celebrating our anniversary when we are living apart...it is kind of wierd, isn't it?  Nevertheless, I find myself feeling like I would like to share that time with you, so that's how I'm feeling about it right now.  Let me know what you think/feel,  I'm listening too."

in a sentence like this...you queried and validated or at least pre-validated his feelings...and then shared your own feelings about it (which he asked for.)
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Annaleigh
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« Reply #9 on: April 21, 2011, 01:01:37 PM »

Ann,

From a man's point of view, and I don't know the details of your situation, celebrating your anniversary while you are separated would send a confusing message if it were me on the receiving end of the invitation, and I was receiving it from a partner who initiatied the separation. I think what your husband is saying is, "Do YOU want to stay married?". What he said sounds like a positive response from his side.

Not sure.  I want to follow the wisdom of stop assuming, understand more clearly.  What's hard for me is I tend to take things the wrong way.  My filter is sque'd or blocked.  ;p
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dados76
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« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2011, 01:15:37 PM »

Quote
"I have conflicted feelings about celebrating our anniversary this year.  I enjoy very much going to new and romantic places with you.  However I’m not completely sure this is the right thing to do right now or does it send a confusing message right now given our situation.  How do you feel?  What are your thoughts?   I'm listening."

this to me.. is pretty straight forward.. sounds like he does like being w/you and seeing new stuff.. but putting this as a 'celebration of marriage when youre not together' kind of trip.. to me seems kinda weird too..

so tell him how you feel.. give him your thoughts.. you post your thoughts out pretty well here on the board.. do that..

what if you planned a trip for some other non-anniversary time?
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Annaleigh
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« Reply #11 on: April 21, 2011, 01:32:18 PM »

Quote
"I have conflicted feelings about celebrating our anniversary this year.  I enjoy very much going to new and romantic places with you.  However I’m not completely sure this is the right thing to do right now or does it send a confusing message right now given our situation.  How do you feel?  What are your thoughts?   I'm listening."

this to me.. is pretty straight forward.. sounds like he does like being w/you and seeing new stuff.. but putting this as a 'celebration of marriage when youre not together' kind of trip.. to me seems kinda weird too..

so tell him how you feel.. give him your thoughts.. you post your thoughts out pretty well here on the board.. do that..

what if you planned a trip for some other non-anniversary time?

Love to!  Where do you want to go?   grin

I'm sorry I brought it up and wish I could take it back.  Have a good cry on my anniversary and move on.  I don't play separation rules the right way.  I don't know what I am doing.
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artman.1
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« Reply #12 on: April 21, 2011, 06:41:07 PM »

Anna,
     I guess you don't know how to play with the separation rules!  Why?  There are no rules!  You have to make them up...   You seem to know how to play the "I Cheers" rules very well!  With all that love, who could resist?   Especially with the really fun sense of humor that you have.  Your love is so strong and undying, I cannot believe my eyes reading your posts.  To bad he is BPD.  I think BPD should really be "BBF" for Big Bad FOOL!   grin grin grin

Cheers,

       

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dados76
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« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2011, 08:47:30 PM »

i think.. this is a situation where you have to define your own rules.. we all do anyway.. even together.. or apart.. we define what works and what doesnt.. what we can live with and what we cant live with.. if youre both feeling confused.. it might not be a bad idea to sit down and figure out what the 'rules' of your separation are going to be.. romantic weekends away might not be a part of it.. but regular date nights might be.. or whatever you both agree is what you need right now.. but talking abt what you both think the terms should be.. is probably something that needs to happen.. sounds you like your H is confused on that too.. and doesnt know how to respond
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Annaleigh
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« Reply #14 on: April 22, 2011, 07:40:07 AM »

BBF -  lol

I don't feel safe discussing those things with H, Dados.  It becomes an Annaleigh wants this, how can I push back sort of feeling.

We really do need a MC to charter these waters so it doesn't become a I want reconciliation, he's not so sure and what hoops can I jump through to satisfy H.

Because he can't handle his own emotions, he certainly can't handle mine.  This has been the crux of our conflict.  Communication is pretty near impossible. 

He left a voice mail last night while I was at bible study.  He said, the confusing message would be that everything is ok when we still have a lot of work to do.  He said, not that there isn't hope, there is, but we still have a lot of work that needs to be done.  He said, I'll let you think about this.

See?  It's been six months.  I have been in T since November.  I go to CR meetings and 12 step twice a week.  I am committed to my healing.  I am learning to value myself, I am learning healthy assertiveness.  I am working on childhood wounds.  In 12 step, I have listed as my number one addiction to escape pain is my H.  I have stopped drinking every night, I only indulged when H and I get together so that I am not a nervous wreck.  A couple glasses of wine a week, does not an alcoholic make.  I've lost almost six pounds.  I'm exercising.  I've refinanced the house so that I can afford the payment. 

In his column of working on issues...nothing.

ASSUMPTION ** I'm hesitant to discuss this work we need to do because it's probably a laundry list of what I need to do.  Number one will probably be smoking.  Number two will probably be I must obey his every wish.  At least those were his two requests back in January and I responded with validation but never agreed. **ASSUMPTION

I am really not in the mood to hear things I need to work on when he has done nothing to work on his issues.

I don't know how to discuss this without being snotty, I really don't.  I don't know how to politely say, what are you doing to work on things.
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Annaleigh
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« Reply #15 on: April 22, 2011, 09:59:12 AM »

Song in my head

Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see so much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die!

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured
You are sacred
You are His

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Auspicious
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« Reply #16 on: April 22, 2011, 10:30:35 AM »

"I have conflicted feelings about celebrating our anniversary this year.  I enjoy very much going to new and romantic places with you.  However I’m not completely sure this is the right thing to do right now or does it send a confusing message right now given our situation.  How do you feel?  What are your thoughts?   I'm listening."

This does sound pretty straightforward and levelheaded ... it is a weird situation. I wasn't sure what to do either, when our anniversary fell in a separation.


My thoughts are he doesn't want to celebrate our marriage when we are living apart since that seems weird.  It is weird.  I suppose he is unsure that he wants to stay married?

Right - those are your thoughts, not what he actually said.

That could be what he meant, but it might not be. Why mindread?  Why always assume the worst, when you don't know?
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Annaleigh
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« Reply #17 on: April 22, 2011, 10:38:08 AM »

"I have conflicted feelings about celebrating our anniversary this year.  I enjoy very much going to new and romantic places with you.  However I’m not completely sure this is the right thing to do right now or does it send a confusing message right now given our situation.  How do you feel?  What are your thoughts?   I'm listening."

This does sound pretty straightforward and levelheaded ... it is a weird situation. I wasn't sure what to do either, when our anniversary fell in a separation.


My thoughts are he doesn't want to celebrate our marriage when we are living apart since that seems weird.  It is weird.  I suppose he is unsure that he wants to stay married?

Right - those are your thoughts, not what he actually said.

That could be what he meant, but it might not be. Why mindread?  Why always assume the worst, when you don't know?

I did ask for clarification, his response is three posts up.
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Auspicious
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« Reply #18 on: April 22, 2011, 10:43:39 AM »

I did ask for clarification, his response is three posts up.

Quote
He left a voice mail last night while I was at bible study.  He said, the confusing message would be that everything is ok when we still have a lot of work to do.  He said, not that there isn't hope, there is, but we still have a lot of work that needs to be done.  He said, I'll let you think about this.

OK - so you feel like you've done the work you need to do, and he hasn't. Is that accurate?


Quote from: Annaleigh
We really do need a MC to charter these waters so it doesn't become a I want reconciliation, he's not so sure and what hoops can I jump through to satisfy H.

A MC to help navigate the separation sounds like a good idea - is he against it?
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Auspicious
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« Reply #19 on: April 22, 2011, 10:45:39 AM »

Notice too the difference between his explanation and what you worried.

He didn't say he's unsure he wants to be married. He said there is hope and he feels there is a lot of work still to do.
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