How can I do this to my Son?

[Think About It...]

Right now I am feeling so guilty. I adopted the most Beautiful baby boy in the world (with my BPDh)...and I know he deserves the world. But having a father with BPD is not something that he deserves. I always felt so blessed to have found and adopted this wonderful boy...and intended to give him a beautiful life. I can not look at him without feeling horrible...just horrible!  I feel as though he deserves two normal parents...not just one   He is going to be 7 and I see such potential in him .I so want to give him everything he deserves. I am trying to get out of this marriage but in the meantime while I am still here I need to try to protect him from his fathers crazy illness. I feel like I am doing everything I can but it just does not seem like enough. I try to explain to my son that this is not normal. I don't want him to think that this is the way to treat people we love...but after seeing his father behave so badly, he is probably so confused.  I am always looking for the right words say to help my son cope better with this. Anyone have any suggestions? Thank You  
Summer  

[Summer1]

Right now I am feeling so guilty. I adopted the most Beautiful baby boy in the world (with my BPDh)...and I know he deserves the world. But having a father with BPD is not something that he deserves. I always felt so blessed to have found and adopted this wonderful boy...and intended to give him a beautiful life. I can not look at him without feeling horrible...just horrible!  I feel as though he deserves two normal parents...not just one   He is going to be 7 and I see such potential in him .I so want to give him everything he deserves. I am trying to get out of this marriage but in the meantime while I am still here I need to try to protect him from his fathers crazy illness. I feel like I am doing everything I can but it just does not seem like enough. I try to explain to my son that this is not normal. I don't want him to think that this is the way to treat people we love...but after seeing his father behave so badly, he is probably so confused.  I am always looking for the right words say to help my son cope better with this. Anyone have any suggestions? Thank You  
Summer  

[prayingforgrace]

Summer1 - I have felt those same feelings over and over again.  It is so hard to look at your beautiful, sweet, innocent child and just feel like you can't apologize enough to them for not giving them two normal parents.  And how does one do enough to overcompensate for the rest of it?  The guilt can be overwhelming some days.  The only suggestion I have is to try to remember (and I say try, since I tend to forget this quite a bit still - a work in progress) that you can only control how you are with your son.  You can be the best parent you can be and just love him and teach him the difference through that love.  I read an article recently about parents staying together for the children and it was an eye opener since it mentions that children don't learn by our words, they learn by our actions.  They mimic what we do and for them, our behaviors are what they will adopt and live by for themselves.  So I suggest that you model for him - be the great parent you are and love him, guide him and teach him what it means to have compassion and empathy by showing him - as you already are I'm sure.  Concentrate on what you can control, try to give the rest up since it is a waste of your energy - precious energy you need right now.  Trust me, I'm with you on all of it and I truly believe our boys will be ok.  They will go through some rough times and deal with more than they should have to right now, but in the long run - they will be stronger and healthier for it.  Everyone has to go through hard times and learn from them, I figure this is what they have to go through and learning these lessons too young, might not be as horrible as we think.  They might just learn them earlier than we did...


Stay strong and be good to yourself! 

[Matt]

I can only say what I think you already know - but it's hard to remember when you're in a chaotic home...

Many here are on the same path you're on, maybe further down the road - kids older, and issues more settled - and most of us can say, the kids are all right.  I'm sure those of us who are raising kids, and the other parent has BPD or other issues - we have more to deal with than most parents.  The risks are higher.  We're right to be concerned and work extra hard to help the kids develop well.  It usually works out well.

My SS33 has been through a lot - addiction etc. - raised only by his BPD mom, moved frequently - a recipe for problems.

SD21 was the "all-good" kid, 6 when I married her mom.  Some issues but generally doing great - about to graduate from a very good college with great grades, for example.

S14 was 10 when we separated and it was very stressful for her.  Back and forth between the homes - yuck! - but she's doing great - all A's, tons of friends, the sunniest outlook on life of anyone I've ever known.

S12 I've written about here - I worry about some of his behaviors - but experienced parents here tell me they're pretty common for boys that age - doing well in school, funny, confident - a great kid.

What I try to do is as PFG suggested:  focus on the kid and his needs and not on the other parent.  See what the other parent does that's good and support that.  Fill in the gaps the best you can - provide for the kid's needs - lead by example.  It will be stressful and difficult for your son but he will see that you are happy, confident, and stable, and that will be attractive to him.  The challenge is make sure that's what he's seeing - not a mom who's struggling herself, trying to fix Dad.

Way easier to say than to do - that's why we're here for each other...

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[Summer1]

Thanks so much Matt and Prayingforgrace for your encouraging and kind words. It's great to see that there are people who understand how disappointing and stressful this situation can be.

~ Prayingforgrace, I love the hope and encouragement that that comes across in your message. ...God knows we all need it! This is such a difficult thing that we are all going through.  You told me exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to be reminded that our kids are strong and with proper guidance and lots of love they will be just fine. Guilt can be so overwhelming...and yes, I agree...it is wasted energy. The best thing we can do for our children is to stay positive 
Thanks! 

~ Matt, I love the strategy of PFG...makes total sense. It is all very positive...focusing on the childs needs and being a good role model. Yes...it can be very difficult but with people like you and Prayingforgrace I can see that it is possible...and that is really what I need to believe! Thank You!
Summer

[GreatDad]

Consider viewing it not from the perspective as you write in the subject:  "doing this to your son," rather you are doing this for him. 

Others here have written, and I agree and have seen it first hand, that there are circumstances where mom and dad apart is better.  Not blame, not right/wrong, but just better that some schedule for custody and living apart is best for your son.

My son just turned 8, and he's doing well, and I believe a lot better since his mom and me stopped living together. 

[Summer1]

 Others here have written, and I agree and have seen it first hand, that there are circumstances where mom and dad apart is better.  Not blame, not right/wrong, but just better that some schedule for custody and living apart is best for your son.

I agree GreatDad...I'm sure that in many cases Parents are better off apart. I know for me it would be better but I just need to work through the fear and guilt I feel from leaving my H. When my S6 and I are alone things are so much more calm and peaceful. As soon as H is around things get really stressful. I know I am headed towards separation I just need to work through my fears. It sounds like both you and your son are doing much better...I could just imagine how much more calm life is without the extra stress that people with BPD create!
Take Care
Summer 

[nowheretogo]

Hi Summer1,  I too have a S5, not the son of my udBPDh.  H and I have a daughter together who will be one tomorrow   He is REALLY hard on S5, and makes me feel so sad.  Because I was initially drawn to him because he was soo good with him   Although he denies it, he clearly doesn't want him around.  And to make it worse, I've been in a custody case with S5's dad, and H always brings up my past relationship and points out how "this is all my fault", etc.  He always talks about S5s dad right in front of him, asks him about what he does over there, all of the stuff you're not supposed to do to kids from separated families.  He plays rough with S5, which he likes to some extent, but it often winds up with S5 crying, being yelled at, sent to bed, etc.  I hate it.  I have to get out for my son's sake.  I love him too much.  Like you, I am scared of my H's reactions, etc.  But I have to figure out how to push through.  The secret is going to be careful planning and then as little contact as possible (I think).

[EmilyC]

Hi Summer1--

That is a question I ask myself all the time... And I have to say, prayingforgrace has it right. I spent a while focusing on my husband and his behavior but then recently shifted my focus and decided to be the best parent that I could be: to be predictable, loving and sane. At once I became less anxious and angry, more able to enjoy my children and my life again. While things are not perfect, the children seem happier and I am coming from a better place.

I am new to these boards and want to thank Matt for his response--it almost made me cry. I worry all the time about my children and wonder if I should get a divorce so they won't have to grow up with a crazy person, but I know that a divorce would be WWIII for my husband and he would fight me, with children in the crosshairs, for the rest of his life. I am comforted by the knowledge that the kids will be all right.

And, Summer1, I want to also assure you that children are not blind. My 6 year old son has had some surprising insights. Once, when my husband screamed at my 4 year old (who was trying to give my husband a special picture he had made for his Daddy) and the 4 year old retreated to his room heartbroken and crying, I said to my oldest who was sitting next to me and had witnessed the whole thing, "I better go talk to your brother." And my 6 year old said, "Why? He didn't do anything wrong! Daddy's the one who screamed and made him cry. You should talk to Daddy." Common sense, out of the mouths of babes. So rest assured that if you make the effort to be the sane, loving, competent, reliable and reasonable one, your children will see it. And if you take the time as they grow to talk to them about acceptable behaviors, etc., they may be able to avoid partnering with a person who has BPD. Let's hope, right?

[Summer1]

 I love him too much.  Like you, I am scared of my H's reactions, etc.  But I have to figure out how to push through.  The secret is going to be careful planning and then as little contact as possible (I think).

Hi Nowheretogo!
Has been a while since I been on this Board...Sorry for such a late response.
As I read your comment  I felt so sad. I understand the fear you are feeling. It is very diificult for us as parents to just watch our kids get treated so unfairly! I deal with the guilt every day. I think it is the guilt that will eventually motivate us to get our kids away from this environment. I agree that we need careful planning on how we approach this.
You sound like a wonderful Parent...so don't be hard on yourself! I always tell myself that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel...so hang in there!
Take Care     
Summer

[Summer1]

I spent a while focusing on my husband and his behavior but then recently shifted my focus and decided to be the best parent that I could be: to be predictable, loving and sane. At once I became less anxious and angry, more able to enjoy my children and my life again. While things are not perfect, the children seem happier and I am coming from a better place.

Hi EmilyC
I agree...it is better to focus on being the best mom I can be instead of focusing on BPDh's crazy behaviors, but boy...that is not easy. Sometimes I am able to do it but other times his behaviors are way to crazy to ignore. I do see how it is effecting me and my ability to be the best mom I can be...and to take care of ourselves while living with an ill person is the best thing we can do for ourselves and children! : )
Take Care!  
Summer

[FindingMe2011]

Stop blaming YOURSELF for the circumstances. Figure out why YOU allowed a toxic r/s to take place and dont repeat. Educate YOURSELF on how to guide YOUR son towards being mentally healthy. YOU are actully losing precious time feeling sorry for YOURSELF, time that YOU could be doing positive things with YOUR son. As alot of people have told YOU, YOU need to be the rock, educate YOURSELF on dealing with BPD partner when children are envolved. Kids will gravitate to the rock, trust me. Its what they want and need. They sense anxiety, fear, and everything else. They will then put YOU in same catagory as partner, to some degree. If YOU notice all the caps. This is what its all about now. YOU cant control anything anybody else does,or says, BPD or not. But YOU can control what YOU do. I too struggled with this for a short period, but realised the time I was losing, and how it allowed my uBPDw to still have some power over me.(she knew it was the only way to get to me, as I was able to accept her) She used this to engage with me, for the millionth time ( what she was comfortable with) and to some degree, drag me back in the mud with her. Took my focus off what really mattered, my kids. Once i figured this out, OMG, what a revalation. I get truly quality time with my kids,( not that I didnt before, but exhausting time with partner, took away from them) and in alot of ways its better than it ever has been. uBPDw has left me alone ( peace at last ) as she doesnt have any more amunition to come at me with. We are almost totally NC, took alot of work to get there, but it can be done. Kids actually confide in me more than, and quicker than, I could have ever imagined. The badmouthing she has and continues to do, is only showing them that she is not right. i continue to validate my kids, educate them in age appropriate way. Dont sugar coat anything. Yes they have been asked to grow up  alot sooner than I would have liked, but better now, than when they are adults. Its not what happens to you, it how you react to it that really matters. Good luck and stay strong, for your son. At first you will just be going through the motions, but eventually it will become a way of life. Most gratifying.   

[Summer1]

Its not what happens to you, it how you react to it that really matters. Good luck and stay strong, for your son. At first you will just be going through the motions, but eventually it will become a way of life. Most gratifying.   

Hi FindingMe2!
Thank You for your truthful upfront response.You are right, I am losing precious time with all this useless worrying that I am doing. It's funny because my T told me the same exact thing yesterday. I do understand that what my S needs is a strong mom who can lead him and be a good example. I have always been an extremely stong person all my life but as my T said, "after a while the verbal abuse and put downs strip you of all self worth and has you second guessing yourself ". I do understand how I got here and I am doing my work so I could move on with my life.
Thanks for your encouragement 
Summer 

[prayingforgrace]

Summer1 - this is one of those times when it just isn't as easy as it sounds.  I have been where you are (and still go back to visit on occasion) and it is a really hard place to be.  Yes, I was at the point where I second-guessed every decision and was a shell of the person I once was...strong, decisive, positive, etc.  Just to let you know, it comes back.  You are never the same person - but you become a better person in some ways.  Be kind to yourself in the process.  I don't know whether or not to say this since I don't want to influence one way or another, but in my particular situation, I didn't start to heal or see the forest until I moved out of the home.  And even after that, it took a while.  It is all normal and it is all very, very difficult.  You are obviously a caring, loving Mom who wants what is best for your son.  You'll get there in time and remember your son is lucky to have you.  Stay strong and practice positive affirmations - every morning and every night - remind yourself what a good person you really are...pick ten things and repeat them to yourself..."I am a good mother," "I am doing the best I can," I am a good person," "I have strength beyond words," "I have faith beyond boundaries," etc.  It helps and after a while it sinks in that you really are that person and no one can take those things away from you.  Good luck and keep doing what you're doing - one day at a time! 

[Summer1]

Prayingforgrace...Thank you so much! Your words gave me such hope! Just to hear that my feelings are a normal reaction and by going forward I will become much stronger makes me feel hopeful. I guess hearing such verbal abuse for so many years can really change a person and wear them down. I know inside is my old bubbly positive self but boy...is it way down there! Just to know that someone can make a person feel so bad is amazing to me.

Affirmations and meditation has always been a part of my life...but like everything else the exhaustion of this relationship leaves me with no energy for anything. Thanks for reminding me how important and helpful it can be...and although it does take work it can be done!

Thank You!
Summer

[prayingforgrace]

You are not alone and sometimes it just makes you feel better to be reminded of that...other people have done that for me over and over again on these boards...they are more helpful than words can say.  Yes, verbal abuse and neglect - coupled with the daily conflict and walking on eggshells will make you forget who you are...it is so hard to overcome that abuse.  Eventually, you make the decision to move forward past it all...you remember the good and you concentrate on the future.  It is a slow process, but a process nonetheless and it will take it's course.  You're well on your way there and someday you'll understand the big plan of all of this.  Keep moving forward to try not to look back.  Concentrate on what you can change...not what happens to you, but how you choose to deal with it.  Hoping you and your son get to a place of peace soon. You're doing great! 

[Summer1]

Concentrate on what you can change...not what happens to you, but how you choose to deal with it.  Hoping you and your son get to a place of peace soon. You're doing great! 

Thank You 

[leap of faith]

Ditto to everything prayingforgrace wrote!  I was so unhappy for such a long time and I kept trying and trying to make things better but nothing helped.  I felt so trapped, like being in some horrible nightmare but leaving seemed so impossible and overwhelming (I'm sure I drove the T I was seeing for a year crazy -- week after week of telling her all of the outrageous things my ex did and how unhappy I was -- I'm sure it was all she could do not to tell me to leave!)

Now I am incredulous over all the peace and joy and contentment I am feeling in my life -- and it keeps increasing.  For such a long time, I felt nothing (except occasionally helplessness and/or rage) -- it's like I supressed my emotions to be able to deal with such an intolerable situation.  I am surprised to find myself so happy so much of the time, even in spite of new challenges (like figuring out how to mow the lawn this week!  ), occasional loneliness (and wondering if I'll ever have another partner,) and fears about the financial future.  Even with these "new" stressors (but when I think about it, they all existed while I was in the relationship -- having to do most of the work, loneliness, financial instability...) not being in the relationship anymore is incredible -- I feel like I've come back to life!

[prayingforgrace]

leap of faith - great post!  It is so nice to hear you are doing so well. We all need to hear those positive stories and rejoice in others happiness - thanks for sharing!

[Summer1]

leap of faith - great post!  It is so nice to hear you are doing so well. We all need to hear those positive stories and rejoice in others happiness - thanks for sharing!

Yes, I agree Prayingforgrace!  It's great to hear about those who are doing well  I love to hear how others are able to get out of these bad situations and create a better life for themselves. Each story I hear gives me such hope that my Son and I will come out of this ok! Thanks for sharing 

[nowheretogo]

Thank you Prayingforgrace (which I am doing too).  In my heart, I know this is how it will be, but I am just trying to find the strength and the knowledge about how to do it (move forward to get a divorce).  How did you do it?