Too many negatives in one day. Getting kinda ugly..

[Think About It...]

I went to my new T appt (the male T) and while sharing my nonboring story..*his words..  (he said, well this sure isn't boring stuff here.."" )  he asked me a question that made me stop and think a lot about what I'm doing and why.

I told him I was having some problems feeling like I am able to move forward in my own life and in the r/s as well due to needing time to heal and not feeling able to.  I explained that I had made some huge changes in my life and felt as If I moved mountains to get to a certain point only to feel it now starting to leave me some.  A bit fringed around the edges when it was feeling like a very sweet victory for most of it.    And now I said I was either resenting HIM more than I thought I would or resenting MYSELF for whatever reasons, yet to figure out, or I was just stuck on stupid..  dunno.    I said I felt stuck in my progress and how I had more peace and serenity here and now not so much.

So he asks me.."So, you feel like your H is in the way?"... well,  I don't know if I'd say..  No,  Yes, I do fee like he's in the way.""  and then I said, "Whoaw.. that doesn't sound very loving does it?"

He said it was normal to feel this way during a transition like this and especially with him here at home 24/7 and never having ANY alone time to be in my thoughts like before..  so of course it feels like he is in the way!
So what does that really mean?   I said that maybe I have to learn how to love him more deeply again.    He agreed that I might need more time.

I said I had been perfectly content with moving on and hadn't been missing him or begging him to come back to me or anything like that.  I was fine in my life all by my lonesome and when he and I resumed contact, It hit me upside the head as much as anyone else in the fact that I actually still had enough feelings and nerve! to give him another shot.  The counseling and the changes I felt were sincere I thought were enough but who was I kidding!

This is turning out to be so much harder than I'd ever imagined or anticipated.

I have this gutwrenching feeling deep down inside that I am not going to be able to do the healing work needed to stay healthy and together in my life with him here and that he really is 'in the way' bigtime.

but how do I move forward with this?   It feels so flakey but so real as well.
 
I have been expressing to him for over a month or so now that I am not feeling good here and his disrespect and more than normal controlling ways are still more than I am able to handle.  He keeps saying that there is hardly a reason for me to even complain with all that he does and all the changes he has made and this wont hold water!

He says he has no reason to have to leave in order for me to heal.  Its all in my head, i'm the crazy one..  once I realize how off this is i'll be apologizing to him.    That kind of comment makes me feel like losing it but I cannot allow that madness to eat at me any longer.

I expressed to him a few days ago that I would give this another month or so in order to see if I could find some peace within myself while together and get my immunity stronger and my mind stronger and not feel so off in everything.

If I can't then I have to ask him to leave.   Well he is not taking that very well.  He said he's not leaving and I can already feel the tension building up anticipating what may happen if I decide that this is just all too much too soon.

Lord give me strength.     Much has progressed as far as some things but where emotional stablity is concerned, there is so much lacking and I just don't know if i'm able to get myself together enough to endure the lack of understanding I need at this time in my life.

He thinks he is doing so much and I am way overboard in my requests here but thats where the lack of insight is killing us.  killing me.

The T today did say he would be more than willing to see us together after he see's me about a month alone and H said he would go to MC so I don't know.

I have been so sick this past month.   A systemic infection and not 2 but 3 teeth that had huge holes in them that has made it impossible to eat without being in pain and I just feel like my immunity is shot due to the extra stress of reuniting at a level that isn't healthy enough.   Or even if it is workable, I'm not healthy enough to take it on the way I would need to in order to give it justice.

Does that makes sense?  I feel like I'm just delaying the inevitable here.   I can't heal here without feeling safety and complete trust and peace and freeness of speech and I guess I am not able to feel that.  I didn't think it was affecting me this much but I now see its tearing me up and really having an impact on more than I knew.    

I cannot allow myself to go downwards or backwards and ignore it at the expense of my health and my personal growth.   What to do?    I tried to share this with H tonight but he had a fit and got so defensive and basically said I'm crazy and he's done nothing wrong..  blah blah blah..  I'm so done with those words..  

[1bravegirl]

I went to my new T appt (the male T) and while sharing my nonboring story..*his words..  (he said, well this sure isn't boring stuff here.."" )  he asked me a question that made me stop and think a lot about what I'm doing and why.

I told him I was having some problems feeling like I am able to move forward in my own life and in the r/s as well due to needing time to heal and not feeling able to.  I explained that I had made some huge changes in my life and felt as If I moved mountains to get to a certain point only to feel it now starting to leave me some.  A bit fringed around the edges when it was feeling like a very sweet victory for most of it.    And now I said I was either resenting HIM more than I thought I would or resenting MYSELF for whatever reasons, yet to figure out, or I was just stuck on stupid..  dunno.    I said I felt stuck in my progress and how I had more peace and serenity here and now not so much.

So he asks me.."So, you feel like your H is in the way?"... well,  I don't know if I'd say..  No,  Yes, I do fee like he's in the way.""  and then I said, "Whoaw.. that doesn't sound very loving does it?"

He said it was normal to feel this way during a transition like this and especially with him here at home 24/7 and never having ANY alone time to be in my thoughts like before..  so of course it feels like he is in the way!
So what does that really mean?   I said that maybe I have to learn how to love him more deeply again.    He agreed that I might need more time.

I said I had been perfectly content with moving on and hadn't been missing him or begging him to come back to me or anything like that.  I was fine in my life all by my lonesome and when he and I resumed contact, It hit me upside the head as much as anyone else in the fact that I actually still had enough feelings and nerve! to give him another shot.  The counseling and the changes I felt were sincere I thought were enough but who was I kidding!

This is turning out to be so much harder than I'd ever imagined or anticipated.

I have this gutwrenching feeling deep down inside that I am not going to be able to do the healing work needed to stay healthy and together in my life with him here and that he really is 'in the way' bigtime.

but how do I move forward with this?   It feels so flakey but so real as well.
 
I have been expressing to him for over a month or so now that I am not feeling good here and his disrespect and more than normal controlling ways are still more than I am able to handle.  He keeps saying that there is hardly a reason for me to even complain with all that he does and all the changes he has made and this wont hold water!

He says he has no reason to have to leave in order for me to heal.  Its all in my head, i'm the crazy one..  once I realize how off this is i'll be apologizing to him.    That kind of comment makes me feel like losing it but I cannot allow that madness to eat at me any longer.

I expressed to him a few days ago that I would give this another month or so in order to see if I could find some peace within myself while together and get my immunity stronger and my mind stronger and not feel so off in everything.

If I can't then I have to ask him to leave.   Well he is not taking that very well.  He said he's not leaving and I can already feel the tension building up anticipating what may happen if I decide that this is just all too much too soon.

Lord give me strength.     Much has progressed as far as some things but where emotional stablity is concerned, there is so much lacking and I just don't know if i'm able to get myself together enough to endure the lack of understanding I need at this time in my life.

He thinks he is doing so much and I am way overboard in my requests here but thats where the lack of insight is killing us.  killing me.

The T today did say he would be more than willing to see us together after he see's me about a month alone and H said he would go to MC so I don't know.

I have been so sick this past month.   A systemic infection and not 2 but 3 teeth that had huge holes in them that has made it impossible to eat without being in pain and I just feel like my immunity is shot due to the extra stress of reuniting at a level that isn't healthy enough.   Or even if it is workable, I'm not healthy enough to take it on the way I would need to in order to give it justice.

Does that makes sense?  I feel like I'm just delaying the inevitable here.   I can't heal here without feeling safety and complete trust and peace and freeness of speech and I guess I am not able to feel that.  I didn't think it was affecting me this much but I now see its tearing me up and really having an impact on more than I knew.    

I cannot allow myself to go downwards or backwards and ignore it at the expense of my health and my personal growth.   What to do?    I tried to share this with H tonight but he had a fit and got so defensive and basically said I'm crazy and he's done nothing wrong..  blah blah blah..  I'm so done with those words..  

[damask]

1bg, I am so tired and ready for bed, but I just had to reply.  I'll try be coherent.  Just wanted to say, yes!  You do make sense.  Your words/situation, are resonating so much w/me right now.  Not that we have had any "incidents" lately.  But it doesn't necessarily have to always be on that level anyway.

I did not split up w/my BPDh, so that's different.  But feeling like one jsut can't make headway on oneself.  Cheesh.  I want so much for things to work out for many reasons, my life and my BPDh are so tied together - in many ways besides being married.  All the everyday stuff.

But sometimes, I feel like as long as we're together, I'll keep giving myself away.  I will never get a return of my real energy and motivation.  I feel sometimes like I'm a passenger in someone else's car all the time, never taking the wheel.  I dunno, not being clear.  I thought I'd have a lot of time and space to take my turn at doing my thing.  Years of me being the main breadwinner while the kids grew up, then H was working a good job, I stopped to do my art, and now its same as you.  We seem to be together almost 24/7.  And I make a certain degree of progress, but feel hamsterish too.  Spin spin, and where am I going?
Maybe I just think too much and need to be better about acceptance, or living in the moment.  But sometimes I feel like the moment slipped by.  All about the job and the kids, now its all about H.  I kinda thought I could squeak in a bit of more me time somewhere in there. 

I'm rambling in my non-sensical tiredness.  But I feel such empathy for what you are going through, wanted to stick in a couple of sense, oops, cents. Hugs.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[1bravegirl]

Thanks Damask,

I knew you would understand ... I read your post too and couldn't believe the comparisons of what you are feeling vs what i'm feeling. I was also so depressed that night when I read it, I couldn't even sign in to reply.  But I sure get it and now with H injured and home every day and me not seeing him be more motivated in his own growth and live, is so discouraging for me to live with.

I am feeling like you too in the sense that If I stay will I ever grow again?  I dunno either..    I'm also so tired now.. and have been so sick with this funky infection from my teeth or lyme disease.. don't know yet, but soon I will be getting to the botttom of this!   

Lovin ya and i''ll post more later..  take good care and hugs right back to ya friend..     

I am on a habitrial now myself and I want off !   

[artman.1]

1bg,
     Old  here.  You know?  After reading this and other posts of yours, I can see something that you may not see, or agree with.  Maybe you just can't do anything about it right now, but here it goes.  You are just to much of a loving person, and are so easily affected by your BPDH's fog and garbage.  This makes you so vulnerable to his dysregulation, that appears to be almoast constant when he is around you.  This is unhealthy for you both, but he seems to need this as some painful build up he seems to get.  It is very sad to see you suffer so much.  Since all this is strictly mental illness and BPD sucking you in, you need to work on how you deal with his insults and abuse.  You have a choice as to how you will hear it.  If you can condition yourself to ignore the BPD crap, and think only good things during his ugliness, and stop judging and internalizing his crap, then you could deal with it and he would no longer get his satisfaction from your pain anymore.  It would simply take his fun away so he would be wasting his time with you not getting it anymore. 
     I don't know if I have made any sense but you have choices and those choices can set you free.

Cheers, 1bg,

       

[stayingfornow]

Hi 1bg 

You make perfect sense to me! As we often say on here we have to be a bit broken ourselves to stay in these r/s so to me it logically follows (and has always scared me tbh) that as we start getting better we just might not want it anymore. that is very sad but looking at it objectively, very good, for us. But i do believe that that fear is a very major part in what holds us back - if i get better i won't want him; then i will lose him; i don't want to lose him; i don't want to get better.

I have come to realise that as my bf makes progress i am feeling so much more obligation and guilt than i did before. "i'm trying REALLY hard" he says to me, sometimes in tears, and i have to admit that the first thing that comes into my head is "too little, too late" My r/s with him has forced me to sort out a lot of stuff in myself and right now i just feel sick and tired of all of it and i certainly am struggling to feel very much love for the man who has been so abusive and now says "oops sorry" - i have to say that hormonally i am not at my best this week either which probably has a lot to do with it.

My screen name gives away my attitude to all of this. I know in the past i have simply woken up one day and KNOWN what to do. So, i will stay, for now, and try not to worry about how i might or might not feel tomorrow

 

[Steph]

 So, as I read this, I am wondering...Why arent you separating again? You dont need to be beaten and abused to separate. Why dont you separate?

[harmony1]

1BG,

I completely get it...I cant wait til I move and somehow I have a feeling it will resemble your move...now having him around 24/7 you are back in the bag of taking care of his feelings again...and he is spinning your head...yes you need time to heal...one thing I did decide is that when I leave...well I need time to heal..and he will have a certain amount of time each day by phone.in person..but that will not impede me from my new life...we arent going to date anyone else..tho I have stated it doesnt matter to me..but I wont be..he wont know where I am (safety) and i am actually glad I waited this long to leave as I am on the outside so to speak and see how he is still trying to get me to stay..mine insists we stay married and try a legal separation..which is fine as either of us can pull the trigger...and then a divorce will be shorter to have as everything of value has already been split up...div at that time will just be paperwork...so we are splitting amicably for now...but I am moving for me...what he does..well is him...
and I can evision the same bad coping techinquies after I go..the illnesses,the money issues etc...everything to draw me back home...but I will never move back...all the same...he wont get treatment etc...and well I dont see it getting much better if I went back to live there...in fact it is making us both physically ill..even tho he doesnt see that
You deserve time to heal..firm up those boundaries girl

     

[Annaleigh]

    Everyone's advice is great, no need to add, just want to send some   your way.

[Newton]

1bravegirl, I totally understand where you are coming from.  My ugfwBPD broke up with me in Nov last year and I was in emotional pieces.  Then I found this place...and a really good T and started a course of antidepressants for the first time. Gf returned in january...since then I've struggled to stay out of the FOG...

...but alongside that my self esteem has improved enough that this week when my gf broke up with me again I sit here tonight feeling a little scared, but now LOTS of relief at the chance for some peace away from the chaos. 

My depressive symptoms increase significantly when she is in my life...no doubt in my mind.

I love her loads, but don't like her so much.

I spoke to my T tonight and we agreed that allowing her to come back into my life again (as she probably will attempt to) is me choosing to inhibit my journey to being healthier.

Whatever you choose to do will be right for you at the time you choose to do it...I'm still on this board for now, but my mind does wander now and again...

Gf's parting comment this week?..."you have been on probation for the last 3 months and you haven't changed a bit...we are done"...a few months ago that would have crushed me...now those words hold no emotional weight at all to affect me...I'm having some quiet time to myself tonight and for once, I'm enjoying it. 

[Steph]

1bravegirl, I totally understand where you are coming from.  My ugfwBPD broke up with me in Nov last year and I was in emotional pieces.  Then I found this place...and a really good T and started a course of antidepressants for the first time. Gf returned in january...since then I've struggled to stay out of the FOG...

...but alongside that my self esteem has improved enough that this week when my gf broke up with me again I sit here tonight feeling a little scared, but now LOTS of relief at the chance for some peace away from the chaos. 

My depressive symptoms increase significantly when she is in my life...no doubt in my mind.

I love her loads, but don't like her so much.

I spoke to my T tonight and we agreed that allowing her to come back into my life again (as she probably will attempt to) is me choosing to inhibit my journey to being healthier.

Whatever you choose to do will be right for you at the time you choose to do it...I'm still on this board for now, but my mind does wander now and again...

Gf's parting comment this week?..."you have been on probation for the last 3 months and you haven't changed a bit...we are done"...a few months ago that would have crushed me...now those words hold no emotional weight at all to affect me...I'm having some quiet time to myself tonight and for once, I'm enjoying it. 

 

[Annaleigh]

That's it.    Our healing is so important and you, BG, you aren't letting anything get in the way of that. 

We want our SOs to get help too, we pray and support, use the lessons, and everything at our disposal to help them.  We get to a point though, where sacrificing our well being is no longer on the table.  So healthy!

Thanks Newton, for helping to see this!   

[artman.1]

Ibg, and Newton, & all,
    I have been dealing with my UBPDW for almoast 43 years.  I have been going through all the BPD pain and realized that the choice is mine to make, whether I want to let go of the sick mental pain, or keep it and hurt myself dealing with my pain.  Well near the beginning with my UBPDW, I made the right choice, and have never seroiusly internalized this.  I have recently learned that I am codependent, and am working on me.  I have listened to her and tried to deal with the underlying issues as best as I could.  Now, I am disconnecting and not even listening to the bad names, and poisoned statements from her, and I feel better, but never believed the ugly things she said that simply were untrue.  I am understanding what is going on better with her and can even validate the issues rather than the sour things that simply are her mental madness.
    What I am saying, is you have the choice to make yourself sick with this giberish, or you can to chose to ignore the traps to make you hurt.  You can even learn to listen to the mental madness and make some observations that lead to a better understanding of their situation.  It must be so very painful for our BPD's to live every day with such magnified and overwhelming emotions.  I wish I understood better, why they have so much trouble with intimacy, but I guess it is just so.

Cheers,

       

[artman.1]

     I was at an appointment with my T today, and talked to him about the issues in this thread and about my choices.  He and I discussed my first reason for wanting his help.  At first I wanted his help to get mt UBPDW into therapy so she could be helped.  I have changed some from my initial needs.
     Since I now know that is so very difficult to get a BPD person to accept that they need help, rather than everybody else needing help, I have realized that I may never get that far with her.  This leads me to myself.  What can I live with?  Since I have lived with this madness for nearly 43 years, I guess I have answered that question, haven't I?  I think I must be able to accept that I will never get Intimacy and nurturing relationship from her.  Well that is what I am working on right now.  Can I accept this life as it is?  I feel that I really can.
     I had my back go out last week, and went to a Chiropractor.  Yesterday, after the adjustment, I had a missage for an hour, and it was actually wonderful.  Maybe that is a good way to get some human contact from another person, and feel the relief of the intimate touch another person can give you during a really good non-erotic missage.  I guess I have found yet another way to have my needs met.

Cheers,

       

[runner mom]

ibg-  I totally get what you said about wondering if you can heal with him there... I had a 6 week or so break from my H- a physically separate break.  He is back home now.  Those 6 weeks (and I was always committed to staying during that time but that wasn't my focus) were probably the single most useful thing I've done in my life.

Like you I could NOT get my head on straight being physically together.  Too much hurt, anger, sadness, wishes, expectations, hopes (and that's just me!).  Being apart let me think, feel, focus on MY issues instead of seeing him as the cause and solution of it all (I didn't realize I had been doing that but I had).

Being apart might be the only thing that actually gives us a chance of being together in a healthy way eventually. 

Right now we are together under the same roof but he is at therapy or AA meetings nightly and when we are here together we have clear limits about how much time we spend together bc BOTH of us have far too much raw stuff going on that we are dealing with individually to be able to "be there" for each other.  That's what our T's and friends are for.  That said, I did share last night quite a bit with him that I shared on here about my Dad and stuff I'd been thinking about and it wasn't like any other talk we've had before.  It was good and healthy.  I don't expect that today will be that way though but yesterday was good and that's a step fwd.

I think that you can be apart and focus on you and still be invested in staying-- I really do.  It's what I did (though I was okay and did accept that if we weren't able to come back together and it still might turn out down the road that we can't be together, I was okay with that and knew I could be okay...).  Realizing I didn't need him to be whole and  happy opened the door for me to see that for too long I've wanted him to be more to me than was healthy and that he should be a part of my life, not my whole life...

I'm with you in thought and hope what I said makes sense-- it might not-- I seem to be not great at being clear on "e-paper" lately!
 

[1bravegirl]

Thanks Guys...   You are all so supportive...  love this place!

I have to start from the end and work up..  since the mind is the first thing to go and well..  so much in this old brain of mine these days, I can't remember 12 posts ago!  wow!   I read every single one and am very grateful for every single comment and remark, question and personal thought.

runnermom,  Hi!..   I am glad your H is home and you've come to a amicable solution to be united and he is going to meetings and things are looking up.

I totally can relate to being apart and still having the 'staying' mentality.
I know personally that when I had him move out April 24th 2009 til Jan 1st 2011 that being apart was not for any other reason but to heal and find myself again.

I have to admit that for the first year or so I walked around in circles and in a daze not knowing which way was up at times.  I some how made it thru all that though and I was connected to this board the entire time.

I read back at some of my posts while I was moving to this house in July 2010 and the challenges I endured and I sounded so alive, so glad to be in the now, looking forward to more positive change and ready to face whatever I had to in order to achieve it!  I need to have that person back again.
I don't want to be on an adrenaline high even though I have been on one for so many years, but just having that motivation to live my life and be excited to wake up and wonder what new things I will do today or learn or discover.

That was a time like no other time in my life and like you said runnermom, that time you had alone was priceless for what you needed and for me, being here on my own from July 2010 thru Jan 2011 was the best time I think i've ever experienced in my adult life.

I had a euphoric feeling that I couldn't put my finger on and it ended once I started to get emails from H again and was no where near ready to hear from him.
So Art I know there is much truth to what you said and sfn, you made some very good points,  its so hard to move forward with the trust you need to progress when there has been so much abuse in the past.   I actually had 6 months of being completely free within myself, calling all the shots, taking care of everything on my own, and loving it, enjoying 'me' time and most importantly no abuse whatsoever.  I had a taste of life here without H knowing where I was at.. like you are planning for harmony, (very smart step for many I think) and having the peace of N/C and just allowing myself to be creative and do some landscaping and work on getting yards ready for rentals to be shown / it was so awesome!

I can't tell you how liberating that time was.. Until I moved up here to bear and dear country, it didn't feel like that.  I was so depressed but still making my way and holding my ground and not allowing him back into my life due to strong boundaries of absolutely NO abusive ways for this kid ever again."" 

But managing to be here and feel victorious in what I had accomplished with so much help I might add!  Well, it even makes it more important to never ever let any of this go.  The peace that is.

I don't think H gets how much I have endured to get to where i'm at.  Or if he even realizes how much i've changed.  I am not that same person that will allow him to tell me to Shut the F up or shut my F-ing mouth.  No!  don't think so.  I know it may sound like something I should be able to brush off or ignore and for over 2 decades I did a really good job at doing just that.
But with all the madness I have went thru and the changes I actually finally succeeded in bringing about in my life, it is like someone is taking the air from me and not allowing me to breathe, thats how much it hurts my soul.

It isn't about him and his few episodes of being his old self.  I can't put this on him, even though if he was able to stick to his promise to commit to T, maybe we would have been able to withstand these changes here, but regardless, I know I cannot live without the freeness of speech and of peace in my home and be ok.   I don't see how I can do that nor do I want to keep trying to do that.

It may be true that I am not ready to do something right this moment but in the meantime I am putting all my energy towards making my health and wellbeing a reality and not giving in.   If it feels toxic to me, I have to address it.  If he feels its all in my head, thats ok..  because it is about what i feel and whats in my head that counts. right?

This time in my life was feeling so right, so good and for a minute I was actually happy.   Now I don't know what I am.   I know that this right here, isn't working for me.  Is it me?   will it ever work for me at this point?  I honestly don't know.

He went out and shopped today and made a big chinese dinner and bought lots of veggies and brown rice (the things i like) and i know he will just expect things to smooth over and things we just go on like before with nothing really changing or getting better.     I will keep focussing on my health and trying to stay healthy and happy and try to recall what it was that I had then that made me feel so darn good!  I think it was complete independence from any hurt or pain or stress.   How in the world can you not be happy after having so much pain for 24 yrs and then feeling so free...  and seeing wildlife and hiking and being excited to wake up for Gods sake!  Thats huge..
I want that excitement back.. is that even possible or am I being unrealistic?

You guys are so awesome.. I have to go back now and re-read the posts,  I just commented briefly on what I could remember.. 

Steph,  no i don't have to wait for more abuse or pain to occur to separate..  I'm trying to express whats happening as its happening so I can even see it clearly and then make the best decision possible for me first but for both of us as well.

This time is different and is hard to see objectively no doubt... but its never easy dealing with this stuff.   I can't believe i'm still trying to find myself this late in the game.  amazing. ?

[harmony1]

1bg  I am so happy you sound better.and clearer

[eeyore]

I somewhat think it's the you want to move forward but you are scared you might be making a mistake.  On the other hand being back together feels like you are going backwards and you are scared you might be making  a mistake.  So there you are sitting on the fence... what to do.  Either way you might be making a mistake.  Yet at the same time sitting on the fence feels no better. 

None of us are crystal ball readers.   And we can forever feel like the grass is greener everywhere but where we are. 

Just wondering if any of that sounds familiar?

[harmony1]

grass is greener..ooo eeyore food for thought...my hubby says this to me often now...the grass where I am is a toxic waste dump..cant get much worse...but everyones case here on the board is different...

[1bravegirl]

Just a few more brief comments..  Newton I totally agree with how you feel. I too feel more anxiety and depression with H here now even though he has made some big changes,  the emotional support though is still lacking and his inability to remember all the abuse he did and all the hurt that was created is hard to deal with.
The remorse you feel is real can be so short lived.  I know that they shouldn't have to constantly be acting like they are trying to make things up to you but to not feed into a trigger we may have due to them raising their voice and then yelling  back at us or calling us names... but remembering what took place to bring about that fear in the first place.
Wheres the empathy and compassion?  I am not seeing enough of that and if I have to remind him of it, well whats the point..  

Artman,  I know what your feeling as well, with the r/s not being the way you would like it to be but that feeling of "I can deal with it" and it being ok for you at this point.   even if its several decades.. I get that..
And then you may get to that place of it just not being enough..  but it takes time and sometimes we don't know when that feeling will overtake us and make us run for cover.  
Its a process but we all know that any toxic situation that isn't nurturing our souls, no matter how well we work at keeping our distance from the pain, it has to affect us negatively somehow eventually.  And for me, it robbed me of so much of my life and ability to grow and become a more well rounded person.

Not blaming my H, it isn't his fault I wasn't able to see the affects.. but it happens at times we may not even expect it.   stay strong my dear friend and I am also trying so hard to not feed into that toxic vortex..  

thanks again everyone.    to be continued...

[harmony1]

Just a few more brief comments..  Newton I totally agree with how you feel. I too feel more anxiety and depression with H here now even though he has made some big changes,  the emotional support though is still lacking and his inability to remember all the abuse he did and all the hurt that was created is hard to deal with.
The remorse you feel is real can be so short lived.  I know that they shouldn't have to constantly be acting like they are trying to make things up to you but to not feed into a trigger we may have due to them raising their voice and then yelling  back at us or calling us names... but remembering what took place to bring about that fear in the first place.
Wheres the empathy and compassion?  I am not seeing enough of that and if I have to remind him of it, well whats the point..  

Artman,  I know what your feeling as well, with the r/s not being the way you would like it to be but that feeling of "I can deal with it" and it being ok for you at this point.   even if its several decades.. I get that..
And then you may get to that place of it just not being enough..  but it takes time and sometimes we don't know when that feeling will overtake us and make us run for cover.  
Its a process but we all know that any toxic situation that isn't nurturing our souls, no matter how well we work at keeping our distance from the pain, it has to affect us negatively somehow eventually.  And for me, it robbed me of so much of my life and ability to grow and become a more well rounded person.

Not blaming my H, it isn't his fault I wasn't able to see the affects.. but it happens at times we may not even expect it.   stay strong my dear friend and I am also trying so hard to not feed into that toxic vortex..  

thanks again everyone.    to be continued...

1bg,

you have had your freedom..and enjoyed it..that is healthy...the reasons you list are why I am unfullfilled..I want to be not resentful...and well even tho is isnt the BPD's fault...well they dont see much..and we arent angels...we put up with alot...but when we realize (for some of us) that we are getting no needs met..and stand on the outside and see this mental illness..well its hard..for me..well in the midwest we had this major snowstorm in february..and well his nonreaction as he was out of town did it for me..as was his neediness after he got back and expecting me to caretake..I dunno..I hope it gets better..in my case well...I will be better alone..as I do everything alone anyhow