TOOLS: Making necessary changes in our behavior and relationships (Step 17)

[BMama]

Yes, at first I took Radical Acceptance as you have to accept this person for who they are.  Meaning...tolerate their garbage b/c there's nothing you can do about it.

At an early therapy session, my T described it as "letting your mother be the person she's going to be" and the sooner you get used to that idea, the sooner her behavior will not surprise you, and it will be less likely to bother you.

The problem I'm still having with that, is that she pulls out new stops, and so it's difficult to predict her behavior so that it doesn't bother me.

[midnightfrost]

1. What changes in behavior have you made or recognize you would like to make? and 2. If you've made changes, what are they and what has been the result?

I've recognized I needed to approach the world differently. It was always from the waiting for catastrophe to strike mindset. I wanted to start approaching life from a more relaxed go with it perspective. I started with a workbook on PTSD http://www.amazon.com/PTSD-Workbook-Effective-Techniques-Overcoming/dp/1572242825/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1305735305&sr=8-1 Then I read a lot of books on anxiety and also on Buddhist philosophy. This workbook on anxiety was a huge help for me: http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Acceptance-Workbook-Anxiety-Commitment/dp/1572244992 I also read Buddhism without Beliefs http://www.amazon.com/Buddhism-Without-Beliefs-Contemporary-Awakening/dp/1573226564/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1305734100&sr=1-1 and I listened to a lot of talks and guided meditations by Gil Fronsdal at Audio Darhma http://www.audiodharma.org/teacher/1/ I still struggle with switching into crisis mode. But I notice it sooner now and take a step back to take a breath and gain some perspective. In general I feel more at ease. I have less headaches, stomach problems, and I sleep better  

I also wanted to change the way I interact with people. I tend to try to mind read. Always trying to figure out what they are really thinking and feeling. I often feel like people are harshly criticizing me for everything. The mindfulness stuff seems to help with that too. I'm working hard on letting go of those kind of concerns. Intellectually I know I can't control what other people think or feel and worrying about it doesn't do me any good. A little progress at a time. I am having more meaningful interactions with people and I think its because I'm more plugged into the conversation. 

3. Have you learned new skills, like "assertiveness, listening, communication, decision-making, negotiation, conflict resolution and leadership"? Share your experience. What tools (books, courses, therapy, other) have helped you learn and apply these skills?

Concerning communication I watched videos on youtube about validation and communication. I read about assertive communication and other communication techniques. I still feel pretty rough here. I'm reading How to Communicate at the moment http://search.barnesandnoble.com/How-To-Communicate/Matthew-McKay/e/9781567316513 I still struggle with communication. I often felt like I had to struggle to get any words in edge wise growing up and now I tend to feel like I have to hurry up and say what I want to or nobody will be available to listen. I think as I build a stronger social network that will help too.

I do a lot of internet surfing regarding the rest. I try to pick up skills here and there. I watch others negotiate problems too. 

[midnightfrost]

I just posted a response to the initial question before reading everyone else's response. I'm amazed by how similar our struggles are! Thank you all for sharing you resources and technique.

Pretty sure there's a recovery-ism about that too... something about the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I struggle struggle with acceptance and detachment too. This adaptation of the serenity prayer speaks to me.

May I choose to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.

This really hits home for me. I can't sit around and wait for things to get better I have to make changes for me through my behavior and my life choices. Though I accept someone doesn't mean I continue to interact with them though. I can accept that they are who they are and that I can choose to move on from that unhealthy relationship. Any how this is what I'm working towards.  Sometimes I make healthier choices than others. 

[ShieldsUp12]

1. What changes in behavior have you made or recognize you would like to make?
The first change I realized I needed to make (thanks to this board) was to respond and not react! What a difference that has made in my life. That lead to mindfulness (also something I read up on via this board and printed out the mindfulness explanation herein) which has also made a big change in my life. I am getting better at anger, but I still need to work on it. Another thing I am still not totally comfortable with, oddly enough, is Assertiveness and Conflict Resolution. This is weird to me because I was always the "peace keeper" in the family, but it was really all about "people pleasing" and making excuses for ubpdm's bad behavior. I find the Assertiveness and Conflict Resolution are really obvious at work. I will do it, but I feel really unsteady at it and often feel badly when I have to ask that people do their job (LOL - I'm in a middle management position, so YES, that is important to learn to do!)

2. If you've made changes, what are they and what has been the result?
The change in responding v. reacting and mindfulness have lead me to experience a lot more inner peace. Realizing I don't have to say "how high" when someone is saying "jump" - and do it immediately - is really a great gift. It also gives me more time to actually think about what is really going on in a situation.

3. Have you learned new skills, like "assertiveness, listening, communication, decision-making, negotiation, conflict resolution and leadership"? Share your experience.
What tools (books, courses, therapy, other) have helped you learn and apply these skills? The tools I use are therapy (haven't done in a while, considering new therapist?), this board, and books, usually ones that are recommended on this site. Like I said, I need to work on Assertiveness and conflict resolution. I will do them, but I always feel uncomfortable because I am convinced the other person hates me afterward. I would like to get more neutral in how I feel when being assertive. I'm good at listening, getting better at decision-making, but I am uncomfortable with some forms of negotiation - only the negotiation involving money though. Any other kind of negotiation is fine.

[OTH]

1. What changes in behavior have you made or recognize you would like to make?
I never considered my emotional health before. I always took it for granted. I pay attention and feel my emotions now. I try to make sure my actions, emotions, and values are in sync.

2. If you've made changes, what are they and what has been the result?
I am not reacting to other people's problems as I did the past. My need jerk fix response is in check. I'm more focused on my own needs

3. Have you learned new skills, like "assertiveness, listening, communication, decision-making, negotiation, conflict resolution and leadership"? Share your experience. What tools (books, courses, therapy, other) have helped you learn and apply these skills? Acceptance. Definetly acceptence. Radical acceptance is a very powerful tool. Not having to dwell on things I don't need to dwell on (and is not my primary responsibility) is a very positive new skill I am developing.

[Marcie]

the hardest thing for me to accept is that he had an illness and that it was very unlikely that he would change.