9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder on the website has helped me heal, stay NC and accept BPD more than any other thing that I read (trust me, there has been a lot). This article has been a staple in my recovery process, mainly to help me depersonalize the disorder, understand my role in detaching and allowing me to fully grieve the relationship.

Accepting false belief 9 was the catalyst for me truly staying no contact and in turn feeling my grief.  If I believed BPD to be true; then I had to believe that leaving/staying away was the most responsible thing for each of us.  It was the hardest one for me to accept and in the end, the one that ultimately led me into feeling my grief.

What does this false belief say to you?

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.  [Read original text here]

"You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.

The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned.

Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this.

We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival.

If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible."

The article is right in my case. I have thought I might want to stay to help my partner.


More information
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[seeking balance]

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder on the website has helped me heal, stay NC and accept BPD more than any other thing that I read (trust me, there has been a lot). This article has been a staple in my recovery process, mainly to help me depersonalize the disorder, understand my role in detaching and allowing me to fully grieve the relationship.

Accepting false belief 9 was the catalyst for me truly staying no contact and in turn feeling my grief.  If I believed BPD to be true; then I had to believe that leaving/staying away was the most responsible thing for each of us.  It was the hardest one for me to accept and in the end, the one that ultimately led me into feeling my grief.

What does this false belief say to you?

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.  [Read original text here]

"You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.

The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned.

Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this.

We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival.

If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible."

The article is right in my case. I have thought I might want to stay to help my partner.


More information
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[luckystrikes]

i relate. she was far more dependent on me than i was on her. i knew how painful it'd be if she left me. i could only imagine how painful it'd be for her for me to leave. i couldn't do it. i didn't want to do it. (i didn't end up doing it) but i just couldn't take it anymore either. that's also why i would "break up with her", in an effort to get her to see the light, and the damage she was doing.

one thing i always figured was that if it had to happen, or was ever going to happen, better i suffer than her. this was before i knew she was a borderline, and that she had the potential to rebound over night. but i suspect it still may be the case, even now. i'll survive. she's got this forever, probably.

[Firelite]

I need to read and reread no. 9 daily.  "I am not qualified to help" needs to become my mantra.  But I constantly battle the feeling that in my heart I truly want to help.  I want to heal his wounds and I want him to know peace.  Not because I want him back...I am in a healthy relationship now and know a healthy love.  But I want to help because I truly did love him and I still want the best for him.  That love will never die.  I guess NC is the only way to let him heal as well as myself.  I don't wish to trigger his sadness and anger any more.

[hijodeganas]

I just finished reading this article and I realize that, while I held virtually all the other beliefs for awhile I've since gotten over all of them. Except this one.

I still feel compelled to be her "friend" and "help" her out of her suffering. I'm having trouble moving past this way of thinking. Part of it is a desire to be kind, but I'm sure it's deeper than that and I'm still exploring that.

Where does this come from and how does one move past it?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[captainkirkz]

I just finished reading this article and I realize that, while I held virtually all the other beliefs for awhile I've since gotten over all of them. Except this one.

I still feel compelled to be her "friend" and "help" her out of her suffering. I'm having trouble moving past this way of thinking. Part of it is a desire to be kind, but I'm sure it's deeper than that and I'm still exploring that.

Where does this come from and how does one move past it?

Glad you re-ignited this one hijodeganas

This helped me:-

"But when we thus accept self-realization as our supreme aim, we bring ourselves into seeming conflict with one of our profoundest moral instincts. It is self-sacrifice that calls forth from all mankind, as nothing else does, the distinctively moral response of reverence. Intelligence, skill, beauty, learning–we admire them all; but when we see an act of self-sacrifice, however small, an awe falls on us; we bow our heads, fearful that we might not have been capable of anything so glorious. We thus acknowledge self-sacrifice to be the very culmination of the moral life. He who understand it has comprehended all righteousness, human and divine. But how does self-sacrifice accord with self-development? Will he who is busy cultivating himself sacrifice himself? Is there not a kind of conflict between the two? Yet can we abandon either? And if not, must not the formula of self- realization accept modification?"

The full article is here... http://www.authorama.com/nature-of-goodness-7.html

A good read!

[captainkirkz]

The other line in that article which stood out for me was
"Self-sacrifice is noble if its end is noble, but become reprehensible when its object is petty or undeserving."

[suzn]

I still feel compelled to be her "friend" and "help" her out of her suffering. I'm having trouble moving past this way of thinking. Part of it is a desire to be kind, but I'm sure it's deeper than that and I'm still exploring that.

Where does this come from and how does one move past it?

Would you be willing and open to look at this possibility?
Are we co-dependent?

[kecostera]

Out of all the others, number nine I believe is at the root of my difficulty in detaching from s/o with BPD. I realise that this is due to my codependency issues stemming from being the rescuer in my early childhood. This is what I believe was part of the magnet that drew me into the relationship to begin with. Helping and rescuing others is how I grew up. I entered this relationship with a strong need to help knowing full well that S/O had problems. However at the time I did not know of BPD and could not fully grasp what I was getting into. Had I known  then what I know now, there might have been a chance that I might have backed off ( but then again probably not).  ?

[justindb]

Over the past two months I have explored many different ways I could stay but in the end... I need to let go... they have abandoned the relationship anyway...

A comforting word a friend said to me... at least exploring the options showed to yourself your commitment to the relationship... but thats not what could keep us together

[artman.1]

YES! I am guilty as charged!  My UBPDW of 44 years, is in poor health and in my mind needs a lot of mental, and medical support.  Still, I am living in a totally loveless state and have been for the last 36 years at least, and probably for actually the last 42 years.  Why do I continue in this relationship?  Why?  I know I am Codependent, and that really contributes, but with the extreme lack of love and absolutely no intimacy for at least 36 years, the codependent excuse is lost, so, WHY?  Con someone please help me get to some kind of an answer.  WHY?

Art ? ? ?

[seeking balance]

YES! I am guilty as charged!  My UBPDW of 44 years, is in poor health and in my mind needs a lot of mental, and medical support.  Still, I am living in a totally loveless state and have been for the last 36 years at least, and probably for actually the last 42 years.  Why do I continue in this relationship?  Why?  I know I am Codependent, and that really contributes, but with the extreme lack of love and absolutely no intimacy for at least 36 years, the codependent excuse is lost, so, WHY?  Con someone please help me get to some kind of an answer.  WHY?

Art ? ? ?

Artman - how about I give you a direct challenge - how much of your sense of self is tied to being her savior?

[artman.1]

seeking balance,
     [/quote] Artman - how about I give you a direct challenge - how much of your sense of self is tied to being her savior? [/quote]
     Well, as I see it, really not so much of my sense of self lies with her.  My major sense of self really lies with what I have been able to do with my life.  I came from a quite dysfunctional Family from my childhood.  I barely graduated from High school.  Went into the Navy Nuclear Submarine service as a reactor operator and had my first real successes in my lousy life.  After the Navy, I had some trouble getting started in Civilian life.  I finally became an Electrician for a big Utility.  I went to school for 30 years in night school and got an associates degree, and a Nuclear Engineering Degree,  Later after a layoff and end of Nuclear Power, I went back to school and got an Electrical Engineering Degree, and then my Professional Engineers Licensed, and kept my Journeyman Electricians License to this day.  I believe this is worth tying up my sense of self with, and not my caretaker situation with my UBPDW.

Art

[seeking balance]

seeking balance,
     

Artman - how about I give you a direct challenge - how much of your sense of self is tied to being her savior? [/quote]
     Well, as I see it, really not so much of my sense of self lies with her.  My major sense of self really lies with what I have been able to do with my life.  I came from a quite dysfunctional Family from my childhood.  I barely graduated from High school.  Went into the Navy Nuclear Submarine service as a reactor operator and had my first real successes in my lousy life.  After the Navy, I had some trouble getting started in Civilian life.  I finally became an Electrician for a big Utility.  I went to school for 30 years in night school and got an associates degree, and a Nuclear Engineering Degree,  Later after a layoff and end of Nuclear Power, I went back to school and got an Electrical Engineering Degree, and then my Professional Engineers Licensed, and kept my Journeyman Electricians License to this day.  I believe this is worth tying up my sense of self with, and not my caretaker situation with my UBPDW.

Art
[/quote]
I dunno Artman, you gotta be getting something very core level if you (as you yourself says) has stayed with someone 40+ years.  You admit to being codependent, do you work a 12-step program?
I mean, you have been here a long time and know more about BPD than most - you are on the leaving board now and this board is about detaching, is it your goal to leave your wife?

[artman.1]

I dunno Artman, you gotta be getting something very core level if you (as you yourself says) has stayed with someone 40+ years.  You admit to being codependent, do you work a 12-step program?
I mean, you have been here a long time and know more about BPD than most - you are on the leaving board now and this board is about detaching, is it your goal to leave your wife?

     I am codependent, and am working on that in CODA, andin my own reading etc.  I spent half a year reading everything I could get on BPD, and now I am working on my stuff.  First step is about accepting that I have no power over others, and my Life has become unmanageable.  I accept this, and am trying to gain management over my life.  First I established a boundry, and limit to protect me, and this stopped the rages and filthy names and such.  I am detaching with love and understanding, not anger and hate.  As I detach farther, I can start to see her behaviors in a better and more clear fashon.  I can see her projections and realize why as she cannot deal, or cope with her ugliness inside and feels such guilt and pain she must dump these feelings onto someone else, ME.  well I don't accept her projections and pull out so she must cope on her own.  Things are much better now, however she remains unable to provide even the slightest amount of love and affection, no intimacy.  She has some time left before I retire, and I will give her this time to change on her own.  I do not ask, beg or in any way communicate this to her, as what I expect is to allow her to want to change, and if not, I will be detached sufficiently to separate with a DV. I hope things work out but I am not holding my breath.  I just need to feel that I allowed her a chance, without controlling her.  This is why I am not attempting to warn her, as she will feel pressure to change, and it won't last or really even work.  I must find my own life whether with her or on my own.  I'm not afraid to make my needs come true on my own, or with her.  I have reconciled myself to this one way or the other.  I am not some kind of saint, or anything like that, all I have to get is just a few needs met, like a hug now and then, and a few endearing words.  When I asked her if she loves me, she couldn't answer yes or no, but said I don't know.  Well after 44 years of marriage that means no.  I pray that things become livable but Ib really must face reality of her being unable to ever respond.

Thank You,

Art

[jdcthunder14]

I certainly did this... a bunch of my communication with her was me trying to convince her that she has BPD and that she needs to be evaluated for it. She has at least 8 of the criteria so I am as certain as I can be.

After realizing that the reason we were done was because I had been devalued and in her mind I didn't matter at all anymore how was I going to get her to listen to me? Do any of us listen to advice from a person we don't care about? My advice probably sounded to her like nails on a chalkboard. Point is there is no way we can be the ones to help.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Perhaps we stay out of habit than desire.  Artman, that would explain your decision.  We stay because we don't know anything other than that.

[rockinaz]

What struck me most was the statement that I am broke and need to be fixed.  I cannot fix someone else or help them until I am fixed myself.  I can no longer stay in this relationship.  I am only enabling her and keeping myself from healing and finding the happiness I deserve.. 

[liesal]

seeking balance,
     

Artman - how about I give you a direct challenge - how much of your sense of self is tied to being her savior? [/quote]
     Well, as I see it, really not so much of my sense of self lies with her.  My major sense of self really lies with what I have been able to do with my life.  I came from a quite dysfunctional Family from my childhood.  I barely graduated from High school.  Went into the Navy Nuclear Submarine service as a reactor operator and had my first real successes in my lousy life.  After the Navy, I had some trouble getting started in Civilian life.  I finally became an Electrician for a big Utility.  I went to school for 30 years in night school and got an associates degree, and a Nuclear Engineering Degree,  Later after a layoff and end of Nuclear Power, I went back to school and got an Electrical Engineering Degree, and then my Professional Engineers Licensed, and kept my Journeyman Electricians License to this day.  I believe this is worth tying up my sense of self with, and not my caretaker situation with my UBPDW.

Art
[/quote]

Art, that is what you do for a living.  I feel that the core of a person is who they are personally.  There values, there behavior, introvert, extrovert, generous/stingy, happy/sad, relaxed/uptight.  I wouldn't be surprised if you have been so drowned by your spouse that you do not even know who you are anymore.  Because I know that I lost my sense of self, being smothered by BPD.  Art, let me keep it simple, get recovery for yourself, put that first. How can you do this, only one way, leave the relationship.  Call it a therapeutic separation if you must- leave a note if you have to.  If she doesn't like the idea, too bad.  Keep it very Simple- you have been brainwashed. See what happens from there, One Step at a Time.  Good Luck.

[Curvy girl]

Thank you for giving this more visibility Surnia.

I read all the beliefs and I think this is the one I struggled the most with and tried to work the hardest on. I've been in therapy a month and a half. I've read anything I can get my hands on about co dependency, BPD and verbally abusive relationship.

My world fell apart when he tried to commit suicide and I finally realised how bad things were, how dysfunctional the relationship was and how disordered he was. I knew then that there was absolutely nothing I could to do to help him.

I started working on my self, I was setting boundaries. I was actively supporting but not rescuing. The biggest area was with his work. I thought I had really come so far.I realised I too had completely lost my sense of self and the relationship was detrimental to my emotional well being.

I decided to leave. I planned and then 3 days ago . I told him I was leaving.

He cried he begged he promised to go to therapy he promised he would change. He was relentless. I caved...   Not because I believed him. No part of me believed any of it. But seeing him like that begging me to stay broke my heart. I found myself worrying if he would overdose again,worrying if he would be ok.

In my head I know me staying would be the worst thing for both of us. Reading the belief again today I wonder what inner part of me still believes I am somehow helping him by being here?  Surely thats it right? i know im not helping myself .I am struggling with feelings of driving off in the middle of the night. Somehow I can't.

Could it be after all this time and everything I know that my little co dependent mind has convinced my subconscious that I need to stay here?

[Weird Fishes]

This one got me into the most trouble.

Looking back at my FOO, it's easy now to see where I got it from.  I grew up believing that you should never be mean to others ("mean" included standing up for yourself or calling other people out), and if someone came into your life, you were required to take care of them.  It was your duty, because that's what people SHOULD do. 

My mom lets the world happen to her and does nothing about it, and makes herself into a martyr.  I grew up thinking this was the way you were supposed to be.

I was the even tempered, unemotional, and comparatively rational one in my family.  The people around me, at school, on TV, were not.  So I internalized the belief that I was the stronger and more rational one, so it was my duty to take whatever was dished out at me by the more emotional, or more messed up, because they Couldn't Help It and that's the Good Thing To Do.

Look at pop culture: how many cartoons, movies and sitcoms have the same plot where a character acts badly, but is redeemed because the SO or family member Really Loves Them and they are forgiven?

So in adulthood I repeated this when I got enmeshed with a bipolar/BPD? man.  It wasn't just his many suicide threats and attempts that kept me there.  I literally thought that I was stuck with him forever because he was sick and I cared about him.  I was "more fortunate" so I "owed" him. 

I jumped into another unhealthy relationship to get away from him.   This one wasn't emotionally abusive but I supported him financially.  I even wrote his resume and got him jobs-at least four-all of which he turned down or got fired from after a week. 

In both those situations I played the martyr.  Poor me!  Nothing I could do!    

The funny thing was, I was involved with another guy during the first (very, very ill-defined) relationship.  He had issues but was not flaming dysfunctional, and at the time I really liked him and wanted to pursue a relationship.  But I cut him loose because I thought I would never be able to leave the bipolar/BPD man.   I didn't want to "break up" with Nice Guy, but it was easy for me, because I knew that he wouldn't be homeless or kill himself.  I had no "responsibility". 

A lot of reading about codep and self-examination has made me much more cognizant and critical of these deep-seated beliefs.