newbie seeks advice for waiting for the "thaw"

[Think About It...]

hey Dave

do you really think shes gonna come back after 7 weeks? thats a long time, a week is a long time for me!

[Mightyhammers]

hey Dave

do you really think shes gonna come back after 7 weeks? thats a long time, a week is a long time for me!

[Daveh]

Well Mighty, I cant imagine life without her, so yes, that is all I can think, I'll let you know how the letter works out. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

[tut-uncommon]

Daveh,

Its a good thing you have gained an understanding of this disorder. I have also learned much in the past 2 weeks.
But
Im a little concerned how fast you take the blame for her behavior. This is NOT your fault! She made the decision to leave, she made the decision for NC, and finally, she's making you feel guilty for all .  Please stop blaming yourself for this?

[Daveh]

I understand what you are saying Tut, and I accept that to everyone of us without BPD we would all agree that the creation of any given situation is most often the fault of the pwBPD but it is so hard for them to accept the consequences of their actions, (and if we try to force them to we only make it worse, for them AND us!)

Not realizing until only recently how hard it is for my SO to live with her emotions, I can see that when I made the conscious decision to act as I did in  the situation that caused the NC, and although it wasn't my FAULT, her reaction was as a result of what I said. If I had known then what I do now, she and I would not be in this situation and I could (without her realizing it) be helping her to adapt her behavior.

In essence its not really blaming myself but a clarity of thought that I have discovered about how change in my SO can only occur if change first happens with me. I pray that she will give me the chance to show and share what I have learned.

[NonBPDSpouse]

Many times as a NON BBP we do cause problems for ourselves and BPD partners.
But in my experience and hindsight I can see that many of my "bad" decisions were because I would compromise my true direction and agendas to compensate for the way My wife would react or the way I would think she would react.

My life has been much more focused and headed in a much better direction since I took mi life back and started to do what I think is right as opposed to making concessions in order to avoid conflict with my BPD wife.( which would end up in conflict  and blame anyway).

Once I realized I was getting blamed for everything anyway, I realized I should make life decisions the way I see them.
At least now I can honestly take blame for a bad decision and stand up like a man.

[mikewbpdwife]

Daveh,

Im there too brother!

I wrote my last letter last week (no texts, emails, etc).  My T said "do not send" my letters. Its HER choice of NC.

Ive read where the pwBPD actually feeds off of this and pushes us away . . .

To be honest (not to mention sad and regretful) - I think she's already morphing into another's sonn-to-be-victim's identity. How sad. I cant believe I feel for this.

Sorry to hear about your experiences. From what I know the ice age have lasted almost 8 mts after my wife of 5 years splitted me black. From then I was truly like the doormat trying to please her while she had non of it. We still live together but there were no more close messages whenever i sent her from work. Its all those aloof repiles which had no empathy. Even gifts of flowers rejected with hatred. Weird thing is she is like a child friend watching tv wuth me when we can talk about things. However i noe shes secretly seeing other guys. They seem to crave new loves for the "love of their life". Seeing how she needed me for financial, a roof over her head. Basically just to fufil her needs are terrifying. BPD traits i tell you. We had no intimacy and thats killing what we had till now. Man you are gettibg baited. Once the honeymoon starts to wane, her true colors will suffocate you. There will never be a maturity of trust and emotional support for you from her.