A Snapshot of our Relationships & Goals

[gina louise]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 3, married one

Age: 55 him, 51 me

Married: yes

Children/ages: he has 3 , I have 4- range from age 30 to age 16.

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: once, before we got married-But if I listened to him it would have been at least 6 or 7 times this year, as he tries to force me out every time he rages!

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I like being half of a couple, I appreciate the comforts of having a steady r/s with one person, when he's in a stable mood things are good, he's a good provider, we have common goals and interests, we started out as friends so there's not a lot of secrets, he can be a good listener, he's welcoming to my kids and his kids are like my second family, he's been supportive of my hobbies and interests-although when he's dysregulated-nothing on this list seems show up!


What do you like most about your partner?

he is funny, he likes a variety of activities, he's proven himself to be a good friend to others, he shares his day and wants to hear about mine-even if I never left the house,

he is affectionate and enjoys spending time with me,


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

I am not sure that I can deal with his inconsistent employment, our first year of marriage he sat 9 months with no job and wasn't looking very hard, until his savings ran out at the end. He was playing solitaire online!

Dealing with the unpredictable rages/blame and accusations is unsettling... .I already raised 4 kids, I don't know if I want to *raise* another one, who may never grow up.

His lack of empathy, irrational behaviors and selfishness may be what pushes me away, ultimately.

His extreme self-centeredness makes him less appealing as time goes by.

What do you find most difficult?

Dealing with him when he's emotionally volatile. Having to be the only real adult in the r/s most of the time. His emotional immaturity and acting out can be both frustrating and embarrassing.

I don't have a stable partner that I can lean on for support-most of the time I feel I am holding BOTH of us up!


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD/NPD ... .he had everything but the self harm and cutting behaviors-although he does pick at his skin til it bleeds. he has an adult history of impulsive, demanding and irrational behaviors; stole $ from family members when they refused to loan it, poor financial decisions, large gaps in employment, bought expensive items and but neglected to pay for them... .history of substance abuse and alcoholism, string of failed r/s, splitting, rages, blame,

He had T as an adolescent for depression, and as an adult. got a dx he claims of bipolar(*or something* he said)-but he denies having it. he's perfect. he's wonderful.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I do not see myself as CoD, not depressed, neither NPD or BPD. I feel that I have a healthy sense of self, and I can set and insist on boundaries. That's why I may opt out of this r/s... .if I don't see healthier changes. It's not what I want out of my life. I already had a failed marriage with a bully... .who I believe was NPD and was a silent rager.

I am stronger now-and not willing to sacrifice myself for a r/s. I am not afraid to be alone again.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

not yet.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I want to be able to learn and practice the tools that help me to exist with this person close to me who exhibits unstable and unpredictable behaviors. To enable myself to better cope with his instability, and navigate through choppy waters. And to better understand his disorder-so I can see him for WHO and what he is and not what I want or need him to be.

GL

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[flyfisher]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:

Age:

Married: y, 25

Children/ages: yes, teens to young adult

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:  0

Sexual Orientation:

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? I do care for her and still find her attractive. Investment of 27 years together, wanting to build on that for the future, not to punt and start over. Following through on our values and committments and to 'finish the 2nd half' together. Example to kids and others.


What do you like most about your partner? Very sociable. Good sense of humor. Nurturing and caring. Committed and faithful.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? Communication. Acceptance and grace for differences. Inconsistency in dealing with issues and each other. Emotional drainage.


What do you find most difficult? Hearing statements that are not true stated as accusations and fact without ability to discuss. Threats based on "low points". Recycling issues that were agreed to be resolved. Listening to the same things excessively repeated. Neediness. Being accountable for anothers 'happiness' and 'peace'.


How would you categorize your partner? Traits of several PDs but no official diag. I would say 'medium funtioning'. Long history of depression and anxiety.

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself? (NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? ) Not diag with anything. Maybe mild depression related to r/s and long term stress on several fronts. Physically healthy, stable and steady. Battle worn, recognized that changes 'had' to be made in me and our r/s, got to the critical and unmanagable point. Learning about codependent behavior and trying to implement positive change in myself and our relationship. I believe my love, committment, and stability has crossed the line to unhealthy dependency on me and expectations of me; therefore became codependent traits in me. Working on 'righting the ship'.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? W has seen p-doc for over a decade. We have been in marriage counseling for over a year.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? To learn more about PD traits, how others successfully deal with it, to recognize poor behaviors in myself and to make positive changes, to learn how to more effectively lead in my marriage and family.

[cindyr]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 27 total (divorced from eachother for 6 of those years - remarried without knowledge of hb BPD diagnosis - he has not been told of diagnosis).

Age:54

Married:yes

Children/ages:31 and 28

Living Together:yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1

Sexual Orientation: heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Family experience

Financial


What do you like most about your partner?

He is sensitive and caring.

He has a strong sense of providing.

He is the father of my children.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His perceptions and reactions due to them.

Me 'reacting' to those perceptions.


What do you find most difficult?

Deferring and NOT defending.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Low Self Esteem/Codependent


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

YES!  ME!  To work on ME!  I can only control one person in our relationship... .me.

My relationship with myself is most important, my relationship with our family nucleus is my value to

continue to work.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To 'see' objectively.  To understand my part in the dysfunction. 

[HenrySarria]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: .5, friends for 7.5

Age: 23 (me) 22 (her)

Married: Engaged

Children/ages: None

Living Together: No

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: First time

Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

She's my best friend, and I love her. We're both better off together, even if we're just friends. I've invested quite a bit into this.

What do you like most about your partner?

She's kind, caring, loyal, and brilliant. She's been through hell and just keeps on going. I really admire and have heaps of respect for her.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Distance; she's in Australia and I'm in the US. She's undiagnosed, and I didn't realize she was BPD until after things went bad. Boundaries.

What do you find most difficult?

The distance. Dealing with her in detached protector mode.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD completely.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Asperger's syndrome. A bit depressed now, and was a bit codependent.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She's in therapy for bipolar and PTSD. I see tdoc for no specific reason, was for anxiety but I'm over that.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Understand BPD and learn ways to help improve our relationship.

[Cardinals in Flight]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: in "relationship" 1 yr. total 2 yrs.

Age: 48 and 52

Married:No

Children/ages:me 3 home, her none

Living Together:NO

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:  once

Sexual Orientation: lesbian

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

  The feelings are deep, and mutual


What do you like most about your partner?

  She is thoughtful, funny, intelligent, makes me laugh, we share many ideals, and are opposite enough to attract...


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

  the balance so she does not feel smothered or engulfed


What do you find most difficult?

  learning to trust after initial rage incident, during holidays last year

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

on the low end of the BPD spectrum, some NPD traits

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

codependent traits, surfaced during this r/s before I knew about BPD, sometimes low self-esteem

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I'm in talk therapy, have been for years for various issues... .


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I want to continue to be a good "friend" or significant other to my pwBPD, reading here bolsters what is a continual learning curve.  It's also beneficial in dealing with others in my life as well.

[rollercoaster24]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together; almost 3

Ages; Him 45,  Me, 44

Married; No

Children; Him 0, Me 2, (oldest 22 and living with me with her partner, the other 19 and lives with his girlfriend and her family)

Living together; not anymore

How many times have you broken up: my partner breaks up with me twice a week

Sexual orientation; heterosexual



What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work; the hope for the future, and all the things we can do together, the shared values, and the love.



What do you like most about your partner?

His sense of humor and zaniness, his core values, his kindness, his ability, his intelligence.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship;

my partner facing his demons, and my ability to cope with his illness.



What do you find most difficult?

Doing all the right things, the validation, the boundary setting, and I am still attacked anyway...

How would you define your partner;

BPD, with possibly some delusional disorder or rapid cycling bipolar. NPD traits thrown in.

How would you define yourself;

Low self-esteem. social anxiety. lack of confidence.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, for what?

Yes, I am, but my partner is not... I am for low self-esteem, support, validation of my feelings from someone who really understands.

What are your goals at BPD Family?

I am trying to learn how to achieve a better relationship, by applying the lessons learned here... there have been times when I have succeeded, but mostly I am pretty confused, and cannot see many improvements...

probably need to post some more, and try to apply the lessons... maybe post better, that way it is easier for others to make suggestions if things are clearer...

[Scarlet Phoenix]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: almost 3

Ages: He: 37, me: 38

Married: No

Children: No

Living together: We recently decided to move into separate apartments to have a  little more personal space

How many times have you broken up: 3-4 times, but only for a short time. My dBPDbf has also told me many, many times that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

Sexual orientation: him: heterosexual, me: bisexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work:

We have a deep connection and passion for each other, share many of the same values and we want the same things in life. We also have a history that goes a long way back. He was my first real love, back in the late 90's.

What do you like most about your partner?

He's intelligent, funny, passionate, full of ideas, honest, loyal and generous.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship:

The dynamic between his BPD-behaviours and my co-dependence, coupled with the fact that I've moved to a foreign country (his home town) to be with him. Also a difference when it comes to being introvert/extrovert.

What do you find most difficult?

Detaching with love has been hard, and "getting out" in time when the tension rises. And not having been able to rely on him for support after moving here. It's made me feel extremely lonely.

How would you define your partner:

BPD, high functioning

How would you define yourself:

Co-dependent. Some anxiety issues.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, for what?

Yes, we both are. He's in cognitive therapy for his BPD and I'm in therapy to deal with everything that's happened since we got together and also some old wounds.

What are your goals at BPD Family?

To learn, learn, learn! About BPD obviously, but also to see myself and my reactions in a clearer light. To find comfort and support.

[LetItBe]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 10 months followed by 6.5 months NC, ended NC 2 weeks ago

Ages: 39 (me); 33 (him)

Married:  No

Children/ages:  No

Living Together:  No

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1

Sexual Orientation:  Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?  

We connect SO well on so many levels!  We have a deep love and appreciation for each other.

What do you like most about your partner?

He's very empathetic, intelligent, thoughtful, and we share many common interests and ideas, some of them very quirky and unique to us.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

The biggest challenges were his need to withdraw vs. my need for contact, his mood swings, his twisting of my words, my PTSD.

What do you find most difficult?

My biggest difficulty since we just started communicating again is balancing giving him space so as not to trigger his engulfment/abandonment fears vs. letting him know I care and he has a green light with me.

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD/PTSD with some dissociative traits

How would you categorize yourself?

PTSD with some BPD traits when triggered

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

He's been in consistent therapy for 8 years (not sure of all the details).  I go to therapy on an as-needed basis, recently for the RS issues I was having and also FOO issues.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

More self-awareness, greater understanding of BPD, to learn how to better support myself and my BPDex

[Wishful thinking]

in?

Years together:2

Age:33 H44

Married:2

Children/ages:H2

Living Together:2

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1

Sexual Orientation:straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him.


What do you like most about your partner?

Hes funny. Warm hearted. Loves animals. Kind.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Trust.


What do you find most difficult?

Being painted black.

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD


How would you categorize yourself?

Depressed. Hardworking. Lost. Tired.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I was for 3 years.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn about BPD and how to deal with crisis.

[lostinthefog]

What type of relationship are you in: Long-term, committed.

Length of Relationship: 6 1/2 years. 5 online, 1 1/2 in person.

Age: I'm 31, she's 33

Married: No

Children: None

Living together: Yes

How many times broken up: Many, always initiated by her

Sexual Orientation: Both straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We both love each other very much and feel that despite our problems we have a strong relationship that's worth holding on to.

What do you like most about your partner?

She is incredibly smart, funny, engaging, thoughtful, beautiful, fun to be around, many shared interests and the things we are opposites on work out well.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

For her: Lessening her symptoms to the point where she can manage her daily life and live more normally

For me: Finding ways to cope with and lessen her BPD behaviors

For us: Lessening the amount of conflict and chaos

What do you find most difficult?

- Remaining supportive and happy

- Re-establishing trust in her

- Dealing chaos and destructiveness that her BPD causes in my own life

- Her lack of seriousness and effort when it comes to getting better

How would you categorize your partner?

Moderate end of the BPD spectrum. Acts inwardly (Waif characteristics) when depressed or lacking confidence. Acts outwardly (Queen characteristics) when feeling more confident. NPD traits, notably lack of empathy towards those closest to her. NPD mother, antisocial and physically/emotionally abusive father with some BPD traits.

How would you categorize yourself?

History of anxiety and depression. Codependent with her BPD, possibly related to my own mother having been severely BPD during my childhood.  BPD Mother/Codependent, but otherwise normal father.

Is anyone in therapy?

Yes, me. During the course of our relationship I've been to six different doctors on my own for my anxiety and later, for coping with her BPD. When it comes to treatment for myself, I've had CBT, neurofeedback, hypnosis, EMDR, group therapy, numerous medications, and hundreds of hours of regular therapy. My anxiety is now nearly gone, even without medication.

She went to a few sessions with my last psychotherapist, but, to make a long story short, it didn't work out well and she hasn't been anywhere since. It's been a year since then and she's finally scheduled with a new doctor for next month.

Goals at bpdfamily.com

To learn how to better deal with her BPD, how to take care of myself when things are bad, and hopefully to improve our relationship

[Scufflin'On]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:  31 years of marriage, 8 years as friends before

Age:  53

Married: Yes

Children/ages: 2 daughters, 30 & 28

Living Together: Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: None

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I am deeply in love with her and also believe that marriage is a commitment for life.

What do you like most about your partner?

She is still my best friend.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her physical and mental health issues effectively isolate us from social life

What do you find most difficult?

Keeping a balance and having my own emotional needs met.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

She has suffered from major depression and anxiety nearly all our lives. She often needs to be the MOST needy person. She seems to depend on me for all her emotional well-being. She suffers from dissociation. Doctors are split upon whether she's MPD (Mulitple Personality Disorder) or BPD. 

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I get sucked into being codependent way to much. I suffer from depression which stems from my own past issues, but also from the stress of living with pwBPD.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I am hoping to get my wife to go back into therapy. I had stopped therapy but am meeting with a new therapist this coming week to start up again.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I need to find support for myself, suggestions on how to keep our relationship alive and to grow as a caring person myself.

[Sugarlily]

What type of relationship are you in?

Together just over 1 year, living about 4-5 hours apart. Broken up once and just in the process of getting back together after 2 months apart.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We both care deeply about one another.

What do you like most about your partner?

Sense of humour and fun. His care and support when things are good. He understands me better than anyone else. He is really caring and will give time to people who others see as difficult.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Insecurity from both sides which can lead to cyclic arguments. We trigger one another at times. It is difficult to settle into a happy committed relationship.

What do you find most difficult?

Not setting off his triggers. When he emotionally distances himself, especially after things have been good or we've been getting closer, leaves me unsure where I am with the relationship.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

NPD and SPD traits.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Yes I am in therapy mixed methods and BF is waiting to start CBT next month.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To understand BPD better to support my BF and improve our relationship. To understand my role in causing issues in the relationship and change those patterns.

[Scattered]

  I just signed up last night and am very pleased to have found such a supportive and informative site... FOR FREE! You all are a Godsend! Thank you!

What type of relationship are you in?

Heterosexual engagement

Years together: 2y 4m (engaged almost 2y)

Age:40m 34 him

Married:

Children/ages: 1 together 1y/o (I have 5 total, 24,23,19,18 & 1) he only has our one.

Living Together: Most of the time together (he moved in with me)

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Every argument he either says he's leaving, or gives me an ultimatum, Never acts on it... but I believe he has cheated.

Sexual Orientation: Hetero

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? I love him and believe he loves me (as best we both can) I have been a huge quitter in the past. God & Our daughter.


What do you like most about your partner?

He is funny, loving, attentive, we have things in common and he has some better habits then me that I feel balances us and makes me better


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Contradiction, projection, rejection (esp. sexually) from him, My reactions and tendency to view myself as the victim


What do you find most difficult?

Reactions not fitting the situation


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Depression maybe PPD, Low self esteem, procrastinator, somewhat codependent, used to be promiscuous with commitment and trust issues.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

We both have an appointment to do individual consult and start couple's therapy in a week or so.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Support and helpful information I can apply.

[.auto86]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:

Age:

Married:

Children/ages:

Living Together:

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:

Sexual Orientation:

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?


What do you like most about your partner?


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?


What do you find most difficult?


How would you categorize your partner?

He suffers anxiety problems but I would desribe him as the love of my life!


How would you categorize yourself?

I have been diagnosed with BPD by my therapist, at the moment I can only describe myself as a monster


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

We have both been in therapy but lack the funds to continue treatment

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To find guidance and support from people who suffer my disorder and from people who have lived and had relationships with this disorder

[.auto86]

What type of relationship are you in? Long term

Years together: almost 5

Age: 27

Married: 1 1/2 years

Children/ages: NA

Living Together: 5

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: never been apart fut almost finished 3 times

Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

My husband is the love of my life and the reason I unserstand this part about myself, He makes me want to be a better person

What do you like most about your partner?

That he is my best friend, my rock and we are a team

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Me

What do you find most difficult?

conflictive situations involving my husbands feelings caused by me.


How would you categorize your partner?

He suffers anxiety but he is a wonderful man


How would you categorize yourself?

I have been diagnosed with BPD by my therapist and at the moment i would call myself a monster


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

we have both been in therapy but I lack the funds to continue my treatment and i have been doing well without it

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

to see support and guidance from people with similar issues

[ludsgirl1]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 13years

Age: Me 36, Husband 39

Married: 5years

Children/ages: b8 g17

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1

Sexual Orientation: Me Straight, Husband Transgender

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I care for him, we both deserve a happy healthy lifw. And I said I do for the good and bad.


What do you like most about your partner?

Im findong this question hard right now


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Honesty/communication, trust.


What do you find most difficult?

Twisted thinking, mind reading.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits?

BPD. NPD. Avoidant


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Attention Deficit Disorder- Inattentive

PTSD

Severe Depression

Introvert

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Me yes, counseling monthly.

Psychiatrist not that much. As she put me on Vyvanse for my ADD and it made me OCD and not eat so I stopped them.

Husband no, waiting on DBT training.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Hope, familiarity.

[Kevinmac]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 9 mos

Age: I am 58, she is 29

Married: No

Children/ages:  She has a 10 year old from a previous marriage

Living Together:  Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:  I have left our apartment thinking the relationship was likely over 10 or more times, but we have never been apart for longer than about 12 hours.

Sexual Orientation:  I am hetero, she is bi

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I have to say I don't understand it in a way.  We have interlocking needs, interlocking strengths.  Things about her that would drive most people crazy do not bother me.  She makes me very very happy, usually.  She is extremely attractive, and 30 years younger than me, I would be a liar to say that is not a factor.  But in the end, I have fallen hopelessly in love with her.  And she is making a stronger effort to overcome her demons and make our relationship work than any person I have ever seen.

What do you like most about your partner?

Wow.  She is very loving, very affectionate, both sexually and non-sexually.  She makes me laugh a lot.  And she is never boring.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

BPD.  I read that after some amount of time, she is likely to "split" me the other way, and leave me.   There are some factors that make that less likely for us, but I still worry about it all the time.  Other than that, while we have our problems, we both keep working them, and they have gotten better enough that I don't see anything else on the horizon that could pull us apart.  If she is deceiving me and cheating on me, or something else bad like that, as others here have experienced, that could do it.


What do you find most difficult?

She completely ignores me frequently. At first I thought it was the pulling toward/pushing away BPD behavior, but my new therapist thinks it might be object constancy type stuff: that when I am out of sight, she loses connection with me, and has to reconstruct her image of me every time she sees me.  But I am still trying to understand it.  It has been a big source of conflict, and my girlfriend knows it, and tries to avoid doing it, but I think it is just a core part of her personality.  Anyway, it is the top thing we are working on (my therapist and I, and to the extent she can, my girlfriend).

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD, DID, mild schizophrenic

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I'm pretty normal.  I have a big need for love and affection. 

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Me.  I just go, describe what is going on with her, and get advice.  It helps a lot.  I don't think I will ever get my uBPDgf into therapy, and we are NOT trying to treat her through me.  Rather, we (my therapist and I) are just helping me cope.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I just check in now and again.  Frankly, I feel like I don't fit in here very well, as things are mostly OK for me.  I notice when I post my positive stories, I get no replies.  This seems to be mostly a place where people who are having bad times go to vent and share, and I am OK with that.  I just wish more folks realized that every BPD relationship does not have to be a disaster.  But I am NOT minimizing the pain of others.  I think maybe I just count my blessings a lot when I visit here.

[Kieran68]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 20 yrs knowing each other, 16 yrs married

Age:I am 45, she is 41

Married: yes

Children/ages: none

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0

Sexual Orientation: Hetero

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Love her and know she is a good person

What do you like most about your partner?

How giving she can be

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Stress over her episodes: both before,during and after. Always worrying what I need to do to know when her next episode is coming, getting her through it, and making sure the episode is really over or just a lull.

Lack of sex life

What do you find most difficult?

Stress

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Codependent, Depressed, low self esteem

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both of us are. Wife constantly for 7 yrs, me occasionally for 25 & constantly for about a yr

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Getting support and ideas on how to help my wife

[flutterbys23]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 16 years

Age: 39

Married: Yes

Children/ages: Son: 17 yrs, daughter 15 yrs, daughter 14yrs, daughter 10 yrs.

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: sincerely without sarcasm, to many to count.  Divorced and remarried too.

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I feel like a failure every time I get to that point of taking the next step of ending us.  How much there is to untangle.  All of the work that was put in- blood, sweat and tears, too throw my hands up in the air feels frightening beyond words. 

Habit.

If I leave I know it will take him all of a few weeks or months to be with someone else, fill my "spot"- how sick is that?

Because when it's good, it's heaven.  And I don't mean the after he comes too and is remorseful, but rather the in between time of the good and the bad.


What do you like most about your partner?

His work ethic, he just feels like home, the way he smells and feels, when it's good that he seems or appears like my friend, we have the same life goals, that he's outdoorsy (even though I am definitely not).


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Money & sex


What do you find most difficult?

the days and sometimes weeks when he's personalty had flipped the switch and my husband is no longer present- some days it's down right scary- its HELL! bringing up an issue- I don't. Which in turn makes him call me fake.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )  Charming, walking on egg shells, sabotaging, triggered by most

situations of little or small stress, passive aggressive, violent, selfish, EVERYTHING is my fault, one minute I'm the devil and the next minute I'm an angel, almost anything will trigger the feeling, as we call it in our house, little or small, projects how he feels about himself deep down on to me: "you're selfish, no integrity, crazy, etc., I don't EVER see myself wanting to be with you!"


How would you categorize yourself? withdrawn, checked out, hopeful, depressed, scarred A LOT, timid but sometimes I've had it and I try to stand up for myself, procrastinator, confused, mentally un-stimulated, VERY high anxiety all the time, do not sleep but VERY little; when or if I close my eyes if im not ready to pass out tired my mind starts going over and over stupid details about our last argument, how bad I probably messed my children up, what I can do to help the situation, etc., and whole lot of PTSD.  Darling girl eh?   

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )



Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

We've both been off and on together and separate, as of now no. 


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Strength, most of all to learn tips, skills, what to do in coping, what am I doing wrong, what am I doing right.

In honesty, I'd like to end us.  I'd love to be completely indifferent about him/us that walking away feels like the natural thing to do. Instead of the yucky horrible feelings that there's still so much unfinished emotional business. 

I'd like to be in a relationship where 90% is not about HIM: soothing him, learning skills for him, walking on eggshells for him, validating him, pacifying him, helping him feel better, sitting for the 10,000 time quietly dedicated listening to him vent and get it out so that HE can feel heard- knowing damn well that it will NOT be returned OR appreciated, me asking or needing validation is still about him and making sure that he feels good about the way he validated me, that when I cry which is a lot by myself that i dont have to feel bad and ashamed about it because it makes HIM feel small and it pisses HIM off.  It's offensive to HIM. Meeting his needs so that he maintains peace for longer than 4 weeks. Just possibly feeling special, unique, appreciated without having to beg for it, where I am not the center part of his thoughts when it's a good day to the point of WAY out of balance and almost insincere ( I just have known him long enough that I know it is actually sincere).

[ziniztar]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: allmost 1

Age: 28

Married: no

Children/ages: god no

Living Together: not yet - planned for early 2015

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: I guess once, last March. He said he never wanted to see me again. I didn't consent to it though so I don't see this as a break-up, the decision was never made. We had a second allmost break-up talk (a lot less dysregulated) last week.

Sexual Orientation: heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I'd be afraid to have to start all over. I feel that I can make this work - as he is also in therapy and I feel he deserves a chance for being so incredibly courageous.

What do you like most about your partner?

I think he's very creative, funny, we have a lot of common interests, like each others friends, and most importantly: share the courage to acknowledge and work on our own issues. We understand each other's situation but also want to move away from it. I'd rather date him than asss that pretend they are already perfect, or are satisfied with life the way it is and not ambitious enough to challenge themselves.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Spending quality time together. Different cities, different work schedules.

Not just understanding our behaviour - but actually changing it.

What do you find most difficult?

That tipping point right after a clingy pull phase when I start to realize he's getting more and more annoyed with me and pushing me away. That initiates massive feelings of abandonment.

How would you categorize your partner?

Diagnosed with BPD and ADHD.

How would you categorize yourself?

Some codependance. A lot of unreleashed anger.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Yes, we both are.

He: allmost 2 years. 0,5 for ADHD, then 1,5 for BPD. He's getting schema therapy and some other form of creative therapy.

Me: have had coaches on and off since I was 23. Started official therapy last week.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Venting.

Understanding my own emotions - especially when they are related to him.

Practicing radical acceptance.

Being able to laugh at some of our shared stories  .

[Rapt Reader]

What type of relationship are you in? Married 40 years

Years together: 43 years

Age: 61 (almost)

Married: Yes

Children/ages: 37, 35

Living Together: 43 years

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love my Husband, and my whole family. It's important to me to have a long-term relationship that works; he's the only man in the Universe who sees an 18 year-old girl when he sees me 

What do you like most about your partner?

He is a fun and loving guy (most of the time), always a good provider and hard worker.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His BPD traits and my ability to handle them without reacting with hurt, anger or agitation (because that just makes them last longer, and worse).

What do you find most difficult?

Realizing that he doesn't really hate me when he seems to "throw the baby out with the bath water" when dysregulated; the changes in his eyes when he looks at me during those times can be devastating if I don't remind myself that it isn't personal; that this too shall pass (which is always the case). I need to trust that if I just validate and not be personally hurt or angry, that he "comes back" to me as himself sooner than in the past, when I didn't know about BPD.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits; his Mom is full-blown BPD and he's really picked up lots of her behaviors, but he sees his Mom's mental health issues and really does try to not imitate here. He does know the pain and frustration that she causes everyone in her life.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Co-Dependent for sure... .I need to not join in the "hamster wheel" of dysfunction with him when he starts brooding. I need not to escalate the dysfunction.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Myself, by default... .My adult (37) BPD son sees an Out-Patient Therapist, Neurofeedback Therapist & Psychiatrist. Because he has signed forms for them all to talk to me on a very regular basis, they have been counseling me also. It has really helped; they are all so caring and helpful with my son, that they include me without any qualms--by phone, email, and even one-to-one sessions.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To continue to learn and understand BPD, myself, my son, my Husband, and all the people I love. To grow in my own well-being and mental health. I know that the healthier and more loving and compassionate I become, the better off every one of my relationships become.

[Cat21]

What type of relationship are you in? Married for 4 years.

Years together: 6; known each other for 11.

Age: 34

Married: Yes

Children/ages: Not yet.

Living Together: 5 years.

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1 time, 10 years ago (briefly dated when we first met; then just friends for years until we decided to date again. That time it stuck!)

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I want my relationship to improve because I love my husband and I believe he is a good soul who deserves a happy, healthy relationship- as do I. He loves me very much and I truly believe that I am the one person in his life who really knows him. But mostly, I want my relationship to work because I know that my life is better with him than without him!

What do you like most about your partner?

He is smart, clever, funny, loving, and talented. He is a good partner, a great provider, and although it drives me crazy at times- good at nearly everything he does.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

The top challenges are his BPD traits and my resistance to accept him for who he really is. Another challenge (although not constantly) is his relationship with his sister and the power she wields over him and his family.

What do you find most difficult?

Showing sympathy and empathy for someone who, at times, spews hatred. The lying and criticism ain't so fun either. And lately, the drinking.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits mostly, with a few NPD. He is high functioning and does not quite tick all of the boxes for a diagnosis, but he's close. He has begun to see patterns in his mother and sister's behavior that he also exhibits- this is new. Whether or not he'll do something to change that and not "be the way they are" remains to be seen. In his mother's case, I don't think it's BPD, as much as it is a cultural issue. Sister, definitely BPD.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I can be co-dependent, but I'm really working on that! NOT getting sucked into the FOG is hard, but is slowly getting easier for me to avoid.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I'm starting in 2 weeks.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

So far, this website and is contributors have been invaluable to me and my success. In the short amount of time I have been a part of this community, I've learned so much and have begun to change my future! I hope to continue to learn by reading, participating, and facilitating discussion. And of course, to remind me that I am absolutely not alone.

[bobcat2014]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:20

Age:42

Married:yes

Children/ages:21,18, 17

Living Together:yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 2

Sexual Orientation:hetro

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

When it good its great. We get along during good times. She is beautiful. Interests, family and years together

What do you like most about your partner? funny at times, gentle, fragile, fit, gorgeous, most of her family, good mother mostly.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? gaslighting, lack of intamacy, lack of trust, affair history, rages, entitlement, never ending needs, lack of needs.


What do you find most difficult? her sadness, lack of responsibilty, love of attention. Rages, gaslighting, isolation from my family, she controls all.


How would you categorize your partner? BPD waif with npd at times witch.

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? ) codependent, people pleaser, repairman, some npd traits.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? she is. Basic therapy for depression


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? learn all I can to be better, untangled and learn to communicate with BPD

[Bloomer]

What type of relationship are you in? Dysfunctional Marriage

Years together: Slightly over 3 total

Age: 28 (H is 36)

Married: Yes

Children/ages: 1 dog child/ 7

Living Together: 3

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Too many to remember but no actual separations.

Sexual Orientation: bi

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love my partner and I see him working to make things better. There is usually something almost every day that reminds me how rare a connection we have; how many things we agree on or feel passionately about. I really still doubt I'd find anyone I have more in common with.


What do you like most about your partner?

I like how confident he is. He makes decisions and sticks by them. He values himself and that always shows through, even if sometimes it isn't in the best form.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

There was so much dysfunction so early on that we have no idea what a healthy relationship together actually looks like. I am pretty sure I have some form of PTSD and making a relationship work after abusive encounters is a lot of work.

What do you find most difficult?

Letting go of resentment when though he has improved, he is still working on a lot of behaviors that caused years of pain. I don't know how to move on from a situation that is still ongoing, even if it is improving, because every time I start to feel safe or like we're normal, I'm reminded that I'm/we're not quite there.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Chronic depression, low self-esteem, codependent tendencies

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both. I am in psychotherapy. H is in individual therapy and group DBT.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To stop making my part of things worse and to know what's mine and what's his. How to move on no matter what happens in my marriage and to feel supported and force myself not to crawl into a hole right now.

[halfalump]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 6.5

Age: me: 37 W: 28

Married: 1.5 years

Children/ages: 2 cats/no kids yet

Living Together: 6.5

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: none

Sexual Orientation: Hetero

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Because I believe in my wife and I know how amazing she is. And because I see how much pain she's in, and even though her condition is hurting me too, I'm not sure can survive without me.

What do you like most about your partner?

Her creativity and thoughtfulness

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

She can't find the motivation to help herself by getting herself into therapy

What do you find most difficult?

Thinking we have finally moved past a painful issue, only to find she can't let it go

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD, Depression, OCD

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Possible Aspergers, codependent tendencies, occasional depression

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Not currently

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To find support for myself and learn how to effectively help my wife

[RedAzure]

What type of relationship are you in?


Years together:20

Age: Me 38 H 42

Married:20 years

Children/ages:19,18,16 girl, girl, boy

Living Together:21

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 4

Sexual Orientation:heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love my husband dearly.


What do you like most about your partner?

He can be so giving, kind, funny and caring towards our children and pets. There is a good man inside him somewhere.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His rage, anger, verbal abuse.


What do you find most difficult?

The above and how to deal with it so as to help him but to protect my own identity.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Dx BPD, Suspected Bipolar 2, Can be antisocial.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Low self esteem set in the past few years.  Dx PTSD from his abuse and rage. Depressed.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both separately- him DBT, me more talk therapy and support.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To get to a place where I can get back to where I once was - not taking everything he said personally inside.  Not trying to 'fix' him' but learn how to better help him and myself.

[ColdEthyl]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 6 years

Age: Me: 35 H:49

Married: yes

Children/ages:D14, S10 (mine from previous marriage)

Living Together: yes 5 years

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 5-6

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

My husband and I have a lot in common. We both love to make each other laugh, enjoy the same activities, share similar goals

What do you like most about your partner?

He knows something about everything

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His lack of self-motivation, self-loathing

What do you find most difficult?

Not being able to communicate with him without the fear of dysregulation

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

he's diagnosed BPD w/ NPD traits

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Co-dependent, low self-esteem

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I will be starting soon. He does not wish to go.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To continue to learn the tools for my r/s with my H and to help others who are in similar situations.

[crash42]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 14

Age: me: down side of 30, her close behind

Married: 7 years

Children/ages: awesome five year old

Living Together: 7 years

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: three times when we were dating.  Never during marriage.

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

She's the love of my life.  I care for her like I've never cared for anyone else.

What do you like most about your partner?

When she's in a bright, happy mood, she brings be up, too.  Her smiles are enough to make my whole day.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Uh... .BPD?  She's told me more than once that she wants to be with a woman "just to see if it's right for her."  Incessant compulsions dominate our fights. 

What do you find most difficult?

How the hell do I keep her safe and our family together?

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD, MDD, PTSD


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Sad right now.  Just checked her in again a few hours ago.  I've dealt with depression before, though it was primarily environmental in nature.  I'm currently being treated for anxiety.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both of us see the same therapist.  Sometimes we go together.  She's not always honest about how things are going.  I had my first private appointment a couple of days ago.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Help me.  I'm lost in the woods.  I've done research and read books, but I feel like I'm still clueless.

[NycNiceGuy]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 2

Age: 23

Married: No

Children/ages: None

Living Together: Sometimes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Once

Sexual Orientation: I am straight, She is BI

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I do know I am a sucker for the White Knight thing but after our first year and things started to get serious I also fell in love with who she is beside who she was trying to portray. For an example when we first met she would talk about video games, partying, music I liked all of these things and now has stated she doesn't enjoy these activites. However the things that are at her core I do love. Like her love for animals and great art she makes. I want the relationship to work because I do not want to throw 2 years down the window. I am aware that I am chasing a "high" of love that is hard to reach some days but I have also had a great deal of problems with women in the past and feel I cannot do much better. To be flat honest aswell she is quite the looker and while I know it is bad in any of my relationships I have needed a strong sexual desire for the person. Im ashamed of it but I have broken up with some women for mostly not being the type that I enjoy.


What do you like most about your partner?

Her art, she is a writer, artist, poet, and makes jewelry. She is an animal lover and has a great sense of humor, she has opened me up to a world I did not know existed and has always been there for me. Any other women I have always had to hide pieces of myself but with her I can constantly be myself and she only gives me praise for that.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her BPD would be too much of an obvious answer... .heh. The biggest challenges are

1. trust issues, she has been hurt in the past and believes I am interested in other girls even though I tell her all the time I am not. On my end I know she had some sort of fling when we had broken up the first time and I have never been okay with that because she did not want to talk about it. I had made the choice to try to get over it in therapy but recently she started talking to him again and I am scared to bring it up in fear of another break up.

2. She does not like to talk about problems she just shoves them away this makes it incredibly difficult for me to see a future with her if we cannot handle easy conversation

3. I am unsure of which parts of her are real and which parts of her are trying to keep me happy I would like to figure them out possibly in couples therapy

4. Speaking of therapy she was doing it for a month and has decided to stop again. I want her to find the help for herself otherwise I am not sure how long I will stay.

What do you find most difficult?

The most difficult challenge is probably the trust thing, while I am worried about which parts of her are the truth I do love every part that is her. The trust I find myself becoming very negative and holding resentment. In the future I can see this issue being the communication we lack.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

fear of abandonment, constant approval from someone even if it is not me. complains of head aches, back aches, being sore, going hot/cold. Emotionally distant, needs me to fill her needs but never shows me the same treatment.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Low self esteem, co dependancy issues, depressed, over thinking everything, feeling this is the type of treatment I deserve, low self worth, second thoughts,

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My girlfriend was in therapy after a hospitalization in January. She spend 2 weeks in the hospital followed by 4 weeks of intense therapy, however after that she does not think she needs it or that is does not help. As for me I am in therapy for 1 hours every two weeks which is basically just a session for me to get things off of my chest. I used to be medicated for depression and social anxiety disorders but I have not been in years, no particular reason of thinking it is bull___ I just don't believe my symptons are severe enough to need treatment.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To find friends or other to give me some advice or insight as to how it is dealing with one with BPD.

[takingandsending]

What type of relationship are you in? Married to uBPDw

Years together: 17, 15 married

Age: 49

Married: Yes

Children/ages: S3, S9

Living Together: Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: None

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Mostly for our boys. I still love my wife, but I am finding it harder to hope that there is much future together aside from functional.


What do you like most about your partner?

Her creativity, her laugh is great, she laughs at my jokes (although they are fewer and farther between), she has a good heart and cares about people that are not too close to her.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Understanding, acceptance of one another, being able to be honest and vulnerable together.

What do you find most difficult?

Being able to be honest and vulnerable together. The huge amount of invalidation I receive from her. Never being able to express my feelings (happy, sad, related to her or not related to her) without it resulting in upset within her.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD, with some NPD

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Low self esteem, codependent. I was depressed when I first came here but her diagnosis and the communication tools here have gradually helped me to start taking care of myself better.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

We are in MC. Wife was in EMDR but now is doing a lot of EFT tapping through webcasts, etc. She also started some hypnotherapy by phone which I think causes bad disassociation afterwards, and she gets spiritual coaching. I am trying to encourage her to continue the EMDR. I have been in CBT, but haven't restarted since the new year. I need to.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Learning. Reaching out to others for support and to be of support. Seeing myself reflected in the stories here so that I can understand my feelings better and see where maybe I don't want to acknowledge my feelings. Also, the food and service are great here!