A Snapshot of our Relationships & Goals

[Depression = 72% of members]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 25

Age: 47

Married: Twice (1991 to 1999, wife left and filed for divorce due to imagined abandonment. Remarried 2004 to present)

Children/ages: 18 year old daughter and 6 year old daughter

Living Together: currently

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Twice

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual male in a monogamous heterosexual marriage

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

     1.  I love my wife.

     2.  There are children involved, and I strongly believe in the power of daily, in-home presence of both Mother and Father in the emotional development of children.

     3.  There are financial obstacles to trying to maintain 2 separate living environments that are conducive to healthy family functioning

What do you like most about your partner?

     She is hilarious, psychologically minded, and shares enough similar interests that we could live happily ever after together.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

     The decades of hurt due to emotional and verbal abuse escalated to crisis levels within me.  The crazy making and conflict inducing behaviors created an environment where I began a spiral of depression heading straight for self destruction.  I left home for 15 days because I felt my life was in danger (by my own hand).

What do you find most difficult?

     The vindictive and cruel rages are dramatic and take obvious tolls on my sense of well being, but to be honest, it was the insidious and below the radar emotional abuse hidden in the sexual withholding / marital neglect, constant criticism, silent treatment, fault finding, conflict seeking, eye rolls, tone of voice, facial twitching of contempt, emasculating power struggles and other less-than-compassionate behaviors that "leave no visible scars."

How would you categorize your partner?

     She is a licensed doctor of clinical psychology, who has suffered a life long problem with ADHD (only very recently treated appropriately with medications) and is an "under-diagnosed" BPD woman, who says that her therapist thinks she only has "borderline" traits. Let me be clear- I do not wish to discount any 'non's' suffering as unimportant, or less than severe- every single member on this forum has real suffering at the hands of a loved one (or they just wouldn't be here).  Please allow me to make a correction to the oft quoted saying, "He11 has no fury like a scorned woman"- let me change this by saying that He11 has no fury like a female clinical psychologist with BPD ! The crazy making, and pure mind **cking head games that are possible in BPD are multiplied thousand-fold when the sufferer is a doctor level trained mental health professional.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I am a practicing general and vascular surgeon. Highly motivated, success oriented, over-working, problem solving professional who was raised in a physically and emotionally abusive home.  I tend to be highly self critical, self blaming, and as first nature, act to put another's needs before my own.  I'm so good at this, that I can be a perfect fit for a BP Disordered spouse by accepting all of the blame, criticism, neglect, abuse and attacks of rage as my own.  All the while, remaining oblivious of the toll it has taken on my true inner self to the point of near suicide before realizing the danger.  Not sure if this makes me codependent, or just too easily accommodating.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My wife is in long-term therapy with an psychoanalyst who practices from an Attachment Theory perspective.  Mentalization based treatment has produced AMAZING improvements in her functioning as a clinician and as a spouse / partner. She is now seeing her analyst 5 hours a week, as a commitment to herself, and to me, as her life partner.

I am in long term therapy with a Jungian trained psychiatrist.  Almost 5 years with him now, I have come to learn the painful truths of how my own maladaptive emotional maturity (or lack thereof) serves to perpetuate the abuse in my own marriage.  Seeing him once weekly does not truly constitute "Jungian Analysis" but my career demands do allow for more time than this, at this stage in my surgical career.

As a result of my crisis, spiraling dangerously close to self destruction, as well as my finally stepping up to the plate as a real man and leaving the toxic relationship for self preserving respite, my wife and I have entered couples therapy with a therapist who also subscribes to the psychodynamic orientation / model.

I am very certain that the amount of money spent by my family for psychological services on a monthly, or yearly basis, exceeds the average income of a typical 4 member American family.  We are all doing the work.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I am here to learn from people's experiences - the ones brave enough to come forth and share their stories- they are true HEROES. Everyone on this forum is a HERO.  I need to gain from this by seeing and hearing how this disorder can destroy a loved one, but also, and more importantly, to gain insight that I might use for my own self preservation.  It is my hope that the work I do with my analyst, might help another man in similar circumstances, if I muster the strength to share my story here.  In essence, I am hoping to receive help here, and in turn, give help, as this giving of help, is most in line with my true character and profession.

[Surg_Bear]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 25

Age: 47

Married: Twice (1991 to 1999, wife left and filed for divorce due to imagined abandonment. Remarried 2004 to present)

Children/ages: 18 year old daughter and 6 year old daughter

Living Together: currently

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Twice

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual male in a monogamous heterosexual marriage

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

     1.  I love my wife.

     2.  There are children involved, and I strongly believe in the power of daily, in-home presence of both Mother and Father in the emotional development of children.

     3.  There are financial obstacles to trying to maintain 2 separate living environments that are conducive to healthy family functioning

What do you like most about your partner?

     She is hilarious, psychologically minded, and shares enough similar interests that we could live happily ever after together.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

     The decades of hurt due to emotional and verbal abuse escalated to crisis levels within me.  The crazy making and conflict inducing behaviors created an environment where I began a spiral of depression heading straight for self destruction.  I left home for 15 days because I felt my life was in danger (by my own hand).

What do you find most difficult?

     The vindictive and cruel rages are dramatic and take obvious tolls on my sense of well being, but to be honest, it was the insidious and below the radar emotional abuse hidden in the sexual withholding / marital neglect, constant criticism, silent treatment, fault finding, conflict seeking, eye rolls, tone of voice, facial twitching of contempt, emasculating power struggles and other less-than-compassionate behaviors that "leave no visible scars."

How would you categorize your partner?

     She is a licensed doctor of clinical psychology, who has suffered a life long problem with ADHD (only very recently treated appropriately with medications) and is an "under-diagnosed" BPD woman, who says that her therapist thinks she only has "borderline" traits. Let me be clear- I do not wish to discount any 'non's' suffering as unimportant, or less than severe- every single member on this forum has real suffering at the hands of a loved one (or they just wouldn't be here).  Please allow me to make a correction to the oft quoted saying, "He11 has no fury like a scorned woman"- let me change this by saying that He11 has no fury like a female clinical psychologist with BPD ! The crazy making, and pure mind **cking head games that are possible in BPD are multiplied thousand-fold when the sufferer is a doctor level trained mental health professional.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I am a practicing general and vascular surgeon. Highly motivated, success oriented, over-working, problem solving professional who was raised in a physically and emotionally abusive home.  I tend to be highly self critical, self blaming, and as first nature, act to put another's needs before my own.  I'm so good at this, that I can be a perfect fit for a BP Disordered spouse by accepting all of the blame, criticism, neglect, abuse and attacks of rage as my own.  All the while, remaining oblivious of the toll it has taken on my true inner self to the point of near suicide before realizing the danger.  Not sure if this makes me codependent, or just too easily accommodating.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My wife is in long-term therapy with an psychoanalyst who practices from an Attachment Theory perspective.  Mentalization based treatment has produced AMAZING improvements in her functioning as a clinician and as a spouse / partner. She is now seeing her analyst 5 hours a week, as a commitment to herself, and to me, as her life partner.

I am in long term therapy with a Jungian trained psychiatrist.  Almost 5 years with him now, I have come to learn the painful truths of how my own maladaptive emotional maturity (or lack thereof) serves to perpetuate the abuse in my own marriage.  Seeing him once weekly does not truly constitute "Jungian Analysis" but my career demands do allow for more time than this, at this stage in my surgical career.

As a result of my crisis, spiraling dangerously close to self destruction, as well as my finally stepping up to the plate as a real man and leaving the toxic relationship for self preserving respite, my wife and I have entered couples therapy with a therapist who also subscribes to the psychodynamic orientation / model.

I am very certain that the amount of money spent by my family for psychological services on a monthly, or yearly basis, exceeds the average income of a typical 4 member American family.  We are all doing the work.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I am here to learn from people's experiences - the ones brave enough to come forth and share their stories- they are true HEROES. Everyone on this forum is a HERO.  I need to gain from this by seeing and hearing how this disorder can destroy a loved one, but also, and more importantly, to gain insight that I might use for my own self preservation.  It is my hope that the work I do with my analyst, might help another man in similar circumstances, if I muster the strength to share my story here.  In essence, I am hoping to receive help here, and in turn, give help, as this giving of help, is most in line with my true character and profession.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Surg_Bear]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 25

Age: 47

Married: Twice (1991 to 1999, wife left and filed for divorce due to imagined abandonment. Remarried 2004 to present)

Children/ages: 18 year old daughter and 6 year old daughter

Living Together: currently

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Twice

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual male in a monogamous heterosexual marriage

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

     1.  I love my wife.

     2.  There are children involved, and I strongly believe in the power of daily, in-home presence of both Mother and Father in the emotional development of children.

     3.  There are financial obstacles to trying to maintain 2 separate living environments that are conducive to healthy family functioning

What do you like most about your partner?

     She is hilarious, psychologically minded, and shares enough similar interests that we could live happily ever after together.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

     The decades of hurt due to emotional and verbal abuse escalated to crisis levels within me.  The crazy making and conflict inducing behaviors created an environment where I began a spiral of depression heading straight for self destruction.  I left home for 15 days because I felt my life was in danger (by my own hand).

What do you find most difficult?

     The vindictive and cruel rages are dramatic and take obvious tolls on my sense of well being, but to be honest, it was the insidious and below the radar emotional abuse hidden in the sexual withholding / marital neglect, constant criticism, silent treatment, fault finding, conflict seeking, eye rolls, tone of voice, facial twitching of contempt, emasculating power struggles and other less-than-compassionate behaviors that "leave no visible scars."

How would you categorize your partner?

     She is a licensed doctor of clinical psychology, who has suffered a life long problem with ADHD (only very recently treated appropriately with medications) and is an "under-diagnosed" BPD woman, who says that her therapist thinks she only has "borderline" traits. Let me be clear- I do not wish to discount any 'non's' suffering as unimportant, or less than severe- every single member on this forum has real suffering at the hands of a loved one (or they just wouldn't be here).  Please allow me to make a correction to the oft quoted saying, "He11 has no fury like a scorned woman"- let me change this by saying that He11 has no fury like a female clinical psychologist with BPD ! The crazy making, and pure mind **cking head games that are possible in BPD are multiplied thousand-fold when the sufferer is a doctor level trained mental health professional.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I am a practicing general and vascular surgeon. Highly motivated, success oriented, over-working, problem solving professional who was raised in a physically and emotionally abusive home.  I tend to be highly self critical, self blaming, and as first nature, act to put another's needs before my own.  I'm so good at this, that I can be a perfect fit for a BP Disordered spouse by accepting all of the blame, criticism, neglect, abuse and attacks of rage as my own.  All the while, remaining oblivious of the toll it has taken on my true inner self to the point of near suicide before realizing the danger.  Not sure if this makes me codependent, or just too easily accommodating.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My wife is in long-term therapy with an psychoanalyst who practices from an Attachment Theory perspective.  Mentalization based treatment has produced AMAZING improvements in her functioning as a clinician and as a spouse / partner. She is now seeing her analyst 5 hours a week, as a commitment to herself, and to me, as her life partner.

I am in long term therapy with a Jungian trained psychiatrist.  Almost 5 years with him now, I have come to learn the painful truths of how my own maladaptive emotional maturity (or lack thereof) serves to perpetuate the abuse in my own marriage.  Seeing him once weekly does not truly constitute "Jungian Analysis" but my career demands do allow for more time than this, at this stage in my surgical career.

As a result of my crisis, spiraling dangerously close to self destruction, as well as my finally stepping up to the plate as a real man and leaving the toxic relationship for self preserving respite, my wife and I have entered couples therapy with a therapist who also subscribes to the psychodynamic orientation / model.

I am very certain that the amount of money spent by my family for psychological services on a monthly, or yearly basis, exceeds the average income of a typical 4 member American family.  We are all doing the work.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I am here to learn from people's experiences - the ones brave enough to come forth and share their stories- they are true HEROES. Everyone on this forum is a HERO.  I need to gain from this by seeing and hearing how this disorder can destroy a loved one, but also, and more importantly, to gain insight that I might use for my own self preservation.  It is my hope that the work I do with my analyst, might help another man in similar circumstances, if I muster the strength to share my story here.  In essence, I am hoping to receive help here, and in turn, give help, as this giving of help, is most in line with my true character and profession.

_________________________________________________________


I posted the above as my first entry into this Internet Forum, and so I thought I'd use it as a launching pad to ask others what they might think about my situation.  My specific question is the following:

How does one deal with the dread of hopelessness?

I have arrived at a pretty dire state of hopelessness about my situation.  I left home on 05/01/15 in a state of crisis.  I stayed with a very best friend / long time professional partner and his family for 10 days.  During that time I came to see just how pathologically enmeshed I was in my wife's borderline drama.  I had the delusion that I was somehow "sane" and was appropriately compartmentalizing the hurt I felt from the years, no decades, of emotional abuse in attempt to keep our relationship stable.  Only when the flood of hurt overcame me and I had to run for dear life, did I appreciate that I wasn't just acknowledging the hurt and setting it aside, as I had thought, but I was actually DENYING the hurt and repressing it.

During my 10 days away, I was able to communicate to my BPD wife that I am hurt- very hurt, and that I could not, and would not, return to a relationship that was a one way ticket to abuse.  I put my foot down, and stated in no uncertain terms, that I would not tolerate any further emotional abuse.  Zero tolerance.

I returned home on Mothers Day, and we had a really great time together with the kids.  So far, we have had real conversations about our relationship.  It would appear that things are heading on the right track.  Maybe there is hope for a true, emotionally mature two-way relationship? My dream for us, is to be able to be able to be true, honest, fair and considerate of each other 24 hrs / 7 days a week.  In the past 5 days, there has been real evidence that we are both capable of this.  It doesn't appear that I'm going to have to be the only one in our marriage who is fair and considerate. Could it really be that easy?

NO.

NO WAY.

She told me last night that none of this has been easy for her.  Just over 2 weeks ago, she learned that unbeknownst to her, she has been emotionally and verbally abusive to the only man, no- only person; in her life who has ever truly loved her.  She recognizes that she can be utterly, and brutally cruel and vindictive when in the throes of a "switch" or rage.  She believed that in between the rages, she was "normal"- despite objective evidence to the contrary (ex- a "normal" married couple doesn't have sex once a year, and sleep in separate beds, in different rooms).  Furthermore, she told me that she has had to expend a great deal of energy holding back the desire to lash out at me in anger for things I have said to her in private, as well as our marriage therapy sessions, over the past 2 or 3 weeks.

My situation, like everyone else's here, is unique.  What makes mine unique is that my BPD wife is actually fully committed to deep psychological "Core Trauma" work in her own personal psychoanalysis, and has been committed to this for over 10 years.

This leads me to the following question:

So what?

I'm not trying to be glib here, but seriously... .so what?

She tells me that she is more likely to recognize that she is being triggered, and acting out / reacting to the trigger.  She is more quick to realize that something she has said or done has been tremendously hurtful.  She is more likely to offer a genuine and heartfelt apology immediately after saying or doing something hurtful.  She sees, now, that once yearly sex is NOT normal, and she has moved out of the baby's room and back into our bed. (I'm impressed it happened before the baby got her driver's license!).  She is willing to be more open to physical affection, but acknowledges that she still lacks sexual desire (at least sexual desire for chubby, hairy, middle-aged me). All of this is a huge improvement, and would have been IMPOSSIBLE even a year ago.

All of these "improvements" require me to accept that I am going to continue being emotionally abused- though I might get an apology, and the apology might actually be spontaneous, rather than after the hurtful behavior has been written for her to see, in the sand by me, much much later.  I'm not so sure I can put a positive spin on maybe having sex more frequently than once annually, if my sex partner doesn't find me remotely sexually attractive. (At least when I masturbate, the guy I'm having sex with likes me).

How does one deal with the dread of hopelessness?

Thanks for reading my entire post, and offering any suggestions you think might help me in my despair.

Surg_Bear

[Mustbeabetterway]

What type of relationship are you in? Marriage

Years together: 40

Age:55

Married: 35

Children/ages: grown daughter

Living Together:

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 3

Sexual Orientation:hetero

What are the top reasons you want this to work?

We have so much invested in our relationship - time, emotions, finances.  

What do you like most about your partner?

He is an adventurer, we have had a lot of fun together.  He is dependable.  he is probably one of two people i could call and he would always help me if i needed it.  He has been a great provider and is usually generous.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

He has a lot of anger.  When he is angry, he unleashes torrents of ugly talk - name calling, cursing... .he thrives on conflict and when there is none, he creates it.



What do you find most difficult?



Not living authentically because I tiptoe around his moods.  It is exhausting.  Also, i want a close relationship with our daughter and grandaughter but he holds them at arms length.  I am hurt by the name calling. I know it is not really about me, but it takes a toll on me.  Afterward he wants to just resume the rs as if nothing happened.  I have been trying to follow advice I read in "stop Caregiving the BPD/NP " and not try to discuss the behavior afterward.  It really does not help to give it importance bc next time he will use it again because he knows it gets to me.  That is a hard technique to consistently practice.


How would you categorize your partner? Hard working, dependable, angry, Undiagnosed, but has many BPD traits, suffered abuse as a child in his foo


How would you categorize yourself?

Someone who has codependent tendencies.  Someone who hates to give up.  Very stable.  Avoids conflicts.  Wants everyone to be happy.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?  I am in therapy diagnosed as General

anxiety.  

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?  To have more peace in my life, to learn skills to better my relationship with my husband

[takingandsending]

Surg Bear,

Hello and welcome to bpdfamily. I think your post might receive a better response if you created a new post on the Staying Board.

I know how hard it is when you come to the realization that you have been self-sabotaging and denying/repressing your feelings for a long time. I am so sorry, and I totally understand the emotional strife, fear and panic that comes with this moment. I can suggest many things, but I think it is really important for you to be with the raw feelings that have come up right now. It is absolutely the first step in healing and responding to living with someone with mental illness. At some point, we can no longer normalize the behaviors of our partners, and that is bound to produce a whole lot of pain and threatening feelings. Hang in there. Be especially gentle with yourself to whatever extent that you can be. Consider doing one small something just for yourself today - a walk, talking to a friend or family, reading a book, maybe just allowing yourself to appreciate your daughter. You are going to need a lot of these small doses of self soothing.

The Lessons on the right of this page are really an excellent resource of where to begin. Right now, you are naturally focused on the pain that your wife is really not going to be able to safely provide you with the core needs that every human being deserves to have met. But, you are going to find that there are things that you can do  that will not make things worse, and I don't mean accepting abusive behaviors here. Most of us have unknowingly allowed and encouraged our partner's BPD behaviors to run rampant in our lives. By understanding our role in the dynamics with the pwBPD, we can stop adding fuel to their fire. And hard as it is to believe, the fire does die out without the fuel. It's uncomfortable, and it takes practice, and you may decide it is not worth the effort. But the communication tools presented in the Lessons do help. For me, a year ago, I thought my marriage was finished - any love that I felt was exhausted; I was ready to go except for my two young sons. Now I don't know. I have some positive regard for my wife growing again. It is a day to day process, but the constant fires and verbal assaults have died away. It took me doing this work to make that change. You can do it, too. 

[Mojo Rox]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 9

Age: 29

Married: yes

Children/ages: 4 year old son & 1 year old daughter

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1 ?

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

the children

commitment to marriage

take responsibility for the choices i've made, the path to how i got here.

i love him

What do you find most difficult?

poor example portrayal for children

word has zero value, says anything

contradictions, contradictions, contradictions

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

codependent

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

no

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

further BPD understanding & response techniques

dialogue outlet -- t a l k   a b o u t   i t

[Cole]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 17

Age: 47

Married: yes

Children/ages: s12, d10

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0

Sexual Orientation: heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? 1) Still love wife. 2) maintain family unit.


What do you like most about your partner? 1) She has a twisted sense of humor and we can laugh at silly things for hours. 2) She can be very caring as long as you are not painted black at the time. 3) Though she is a stunning, sexy woman who looks 10 years younger than she really is, she is not snooty about it and does not judge others by their looks. 


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? 1) Wife wants more attention that I or any man can give her. It is like trying to fill the grand canyon with a shovel; no matter how hard you try, it is not possible to fill the void. 2) Wife does not properly comprehend communication. She hears anger, contempt, insults, and sarcasm where none exists. 3) Wife does not let go of past hurts from me or anyone else. It is common for her to be angry and crying over even the most unintentional or perceived hurts from years or decades ago. 4) What she says she wants or will make her happy changes from day to day.   

What do you find most difficult? The inability to forget or forgive past hurts. I am not perfect. I have made mistakes, apologized, and tried to make things right. But she cannot let it go, no matter how small, accidental, or long ago. It is not uncommon for me to be yelled at over something that happened 5, 10 or 15 years ago which I do not even remember.  I have even been attacked for not dating her in high school, even though we lived in different states and did not meet until 12 years after we had graduated. How do you validate the illogical?


How would you categorize your partner? (BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? ) She is diagnosed and treated as bipolar 2 by her psychiatrist. I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist or social worker, but I have lived with my wife for 17 years and I am positive she is BPD, not bipolar. A couple counselors have suggested this, but wife immediately paints them black for saying so and stops seeing them.

   


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? ) Depressed. Loving someone who treats you poorly based on what someone else did, or based on perceived hurts because she cannot distinguish reality from emotion has really worn me down. 


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? Wife is in therapy with a T who I secretly helped pick and warned about using the term BPD. So far, wife has stayed with her longer than any other and likes her. Part of the reason may also be that I plan to file for divorce soon, and therapy is one of my terms for staying in this marriage.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? At first, to learn from others. Now that I understand BPD better, I want to help those who know less than I do and lend support to all.

[BGAK]

What type of relationship are you in?

BF/GF

Years together: 7 months but known each other for more than 15 years

Age: Me 44 her 37

Married: No

Children/ages: No

Living Together: No

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 3

Sexual Orientation: Hetro sexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Because she is funny, super smart and we have a lot common.

What do you like most about your partner?

Her intellect

We also get up to all sorts of things from jumping off cliffs to trying new food. She has a style of her, she is not a follower, we love the same sorts of books and are both voracious readers. Same twisted sense of humour.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her push pull and despondency during the bad time 95%-5% ratio

What do you find most difficult?

Being pushed away, the self loathing, self sabotaging, bi polar emotions - from overwhelming love to nothing

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Confident, out going, successful. But tho stuff has had a profound effect on me. Anxious, sad and unsure at times.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She is seeing a councillor

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To understand what mistakes I am making that can contribute to her bad behaviour. To also try and understand better the language and communications techniques.

[rob95]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 16, married 14

Age: I'm 41, wife is 49

Married: Yes

Children/ages: Duaghter 11, Sons 9,8

Living Together: 15

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: We separated for a week or two once about 4 years ago

Sexual Orientation: Hetro

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I still love her, and obviously, we have the children to think about.  I really want to make this work, especially as I get more familiar with BPD.  It is very likely our children will have to deal with this in their lives and I know that I will need to be a positive role model on how to have a relationship with their mother.

What do you like most about your partner?

Her infectious personality, her energy... .she lights up a room wherever she goes, not to mention she's easy on the eyes.  

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Now that I have read, typical BPD isuses... .establishing boundaries, raging... .she is supposed to take meds for anti anxiety and depression, which she doesn't take consistently.  This usually leads her to the "dark side".

We are in a world of hurt financially, she started a business 4 years ago, which we are all in on.  Currently, the family has invested almost 100K into with no return.  Not enough retirement, no education fund and in debt up to our eyeballs, including the IRS.  All that, even though I make a good living.  The biggest challenge on this is that she blames me for all of it, because I am the one who pays the bills.  We both make spending decisions, most of which are "no" from me, but the money still gets spent and I get "FOG"ged into it.

What do you find most difficult?

The manipulation as I am a very easy target for obligation and guilt.  My self esteem is in the gutter, and I have no friends to turn to anymore.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

I think that she is a mix between BPD and NPD.  Abuses alcohol.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

Low self esteem, co-dependency tendancies, highly anxious... .on medication.  Abuses alcohol lately.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Not yet.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Advice, community, friends.  Get stronger for my family so that I can model for my children how to have a healthy relationship.

[brokenbyspouse]

What type of relationship are you in? Married

Years together: 31

Age: Me 48 Spouse 54

Married:Yes

Children/ages:28 & 29 Son & Daughter

Living Together:31

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1 time

Sexual Orientation:Heterosexual



What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love my husband & our family. 31 years of marriage is a long time to walk away from. We have worked hard to be debt free other than our home. We have worked so hard to get to the point of retirement. The thought that all of our hard work in life has been for nothing. The though of not having him in my life is so scary.

What do you like most about your partner?

He is a great provider. Protects me and takes very good care of me. I have never really had to want for anything.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His secrets & lies. Fear of him having another affair.

What do you find most difficult?

I can not deal with the lies any longer or the insecurity I feel since the discovery of the affairs. I have had to leave my job due to a neck and back injury. I am in the pending stage of my disability approval. I am terrified. I fear he will need to have another affair to feed his ego.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

I am not really sure. I think NPD. Very low self esteem.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Depressed, PTSD, Anxiety, Co-Dependent. Several of my issues came to light after the discovery of his affairs.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

We have been for marriage therapy for 2 years.

Myself for "me" therapy off & on for 2 years.

He went alone for 2 visits.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To save my marriage. Help my husband & myself. Support for myself & him.

[Dobzhansky]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:  29

Age: 48  (both)

Married: 23

Children/ages: 3 girls / 16, 19, 22

Living Together: 29

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Once - been gone 1 year (wife has asked / threatened numerous times)

Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I am Catholic and so may not divorce.  Madly in love w wife from day one.  I have always dreamed of being married and having a relationship similar to my parents married 54 years. Eager to avoid potential damage to kids (or are they already damaged and can only benefit from separation?)

What do you like most about your partner? Smart, clever, elegant, beautiful, and her appreciation(?) for our long history together.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Emotional instability, lies, spur-of-the-moment inappropriate anger, lack of communication, lack of intimacy, physical separation (she lives alone in another state)

What do you find most difficult?

Investigating/appreciating my own codependency, managing a household and children alone, dealing with fallout from separation and wife moving to another state.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD traits as far as I understand them

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Codependent

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Two daughters and I in bi-weekly therapy

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Gain skills, receive assurance daughters and I not at fault, understanding this is not a “my wife don’t like me” thing, but rather that my wife is unable to engage in a relationship, either romantic or parent/child.

[Butterfly12]

What type of relationship are you in?   married.

Years together:9

Age:33

Married:5

Children/ages: 10, 4, 2.

Living Together:7 (have been separated for the past two.)

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:

Sexual Orientation: straight.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? Because I love my husband and believe we can get to the other side. We have three children together (one is only mine, from a previous relationship) and we both would like to be able to live peacefully with the other.


What do you like most about your partner?  He is an amazing, caring, generous father. He is very devoted to family and those he loves.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? communication, honesty, abuse, and violence.


What do you find most difficult? Trust.


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? ) I think he is mainly BPD, but I see many other qualities as well.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? ) I think I am severely an empath. I also find that I am a hardcore people pleaser, and I NEED to have someone to care for. I am depressed, yes, and have suffered from anxiety for the past two years.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? Yes. All of us. Individually and independently. His therapy does not acknowledge his BPD and he is currently undiagnosed.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? to relate to others and feel less alone. To get some perspective on options and how to make it all feel a little less hopeless and that I am on a solo journey here. Also to gain skills to learn how to interact with my husband in ways that do less damage to us both.

[silentwarrior]

What type of relationship are you in?

- We have been engaged since June 2015.

Years together: 7

Age: 23

Married: Not yet.

Children/ages: No children, one cat.

Living Together: Yes, since March 2015.

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Once, seven years ago.

Sexual Orientation: I am straight, he is bisexual.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We have always enjoyed being around each other. We have a great time, we are there for each other, and I know this relationship has so much more potential than what is being brought to the table. He is my problem solver, and I am his calm in the storm.

What do you like most about your partner?

He is always making me laugh, and any time I need something done, I know I can go to him and he will make it happen.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His anger issues, emotional abuse, communication.

What do you find most difficult?

Not making him angry. Having ridiculous fights about even the smallest things and getting upset but having to put on a calm face before family and friends because nobody knows how bad it gets.

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD traits. PPD traits.

How would you categorize yourself?

Mild depression.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Neither of us is in therapy, though I would like us both to go.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To learn the tools necessary to work through a difficult relationship. To find my own inner strength, to know that I'm not alone. To better understand what he is going through and how I can help it instead of making it worse. To find support, a family to reach out to, to help me remember that I am not actually at fault for many of the things he says I am.

[Concerns]

What type of relationship are you in? Married with a BPD partner

Years together: 7

Age:46

Married:yes

Children/ages:BOY-4

Living Together:YES

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:NONE

Sexual Orientation:HETERO

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

1. I love my wife.

2. I don't want my baby to be heartbroken. Because he would be. He loves our marriage. Like all children, he believes in the sanctity of his parents togetherness. I believe in it as well.

3. I feel with help, our family is better as a unit than split apart.

4. I feel that the approach to my wife's mental illness would be better served/approachable/treatable if we were together.

What do you like most about your partner? She can be funny. She used to be interested in things revolving around us. It seems like she can be caring. She was lovable. She can be sweet. She loves animals. 

Well now I'm not sure. I'm not sure if the person I met was just an image or a puppet setup to

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?


What do you find most difficult? The person I love is reluctant to get help. The drive to get better only comes from me. The lack of intimacy really hurts. I have no emotional or physical support in my life other than what comes from my son. I have no partner. She hasn't been very emotionally involved in raising him but she can't admit how she is affecting him. 


How would you categorize your partner? She is on the spectrum. She has major anger outburst issues when she is stressed. She will split. She has a collossal problem with disassociating. She is suicidal but does not attempt. She self-harms. She engages in high risk behaviors. She will state that "beer is as good as any medication".



How would you categorize yourself? Well, I think I am slightly co-dependent. I'm highly empathetic.



Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? I am in therapy. She will not goto marriage counseling. We went to a psychologist. He wanted her to see a psychiatrist for meds before he would continue therapy. We went. She didnt like him or the prescription and is now off the meds. I have found her another psych for meds. I kindof agree with her, the first was very engaged, didnt ask many questions and basically said "we have to throw drugs at her and see what works". We need someone who is engaged. 


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? My goals are to build a bigger support base, gain a tool base for helping myself to help my wife and get a better understanding of mental illness.

[Chilibean13]

What type of relationship are you in? Married to uBPD

Years together: 11

Age: 37

Married: Yes

Children/ages: None

Living Together: Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: None

Sexual Orientation: Hetero

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love him. We are both really great together when things are going well. We like to spend time together. We are both also Christians and feel that divorce is not ok by biblical standards except in certain specific situations, neither of which is the case in our marriage.

What do you like most about your partner?

He's really funny when he is in a good mood. We like the same activities. He's super smart and can hold a great conversation if he isn't anxious.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His anger and outbursts are the number 1 issue. We argue ALOT and he rages pretty regularly. For me, I'm starting to build up some resentment and see him as "crazy" all the time.

What do you find most difficult?

Not knowing what he needs or is really feeling inside. I often don't know how to respond. Understanding what causes him to see things so negatively.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Many high functioning BPD traits with a few of the severe BPD traits. I occasionally see a few hints of Asburger's and I'm pretty sure it runs in his family. I'm not sure but I think there may be some Bi-polar things going on. He cycles between highs with rapid, constant speech, huge ideas, less sleep, spending, etc. followed by long periods of sadness, anger, and high anxiety which in turn lead to a brief normalization period.


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I hate to admit it but I have some narcissitic traits in that I can be very cold in my emotions. I don't show strong emotions very often. I'm getting better but sometimes if I don't have a use for a person, I tend to dismiss them, which now that I think of it, probably leads me to actually rejecting my uBPD. He's creating problems for me so I ignore or avoid him.

I honestly don't think I have a co-dependent personality but I have some tendencies, such as an inabilty to set boundaries with my H. I try to relieve his anger or anxiety but other than that I don't show much  co-dependent behavior.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

H has been in counseling for about 4 months. We went to our first MC this week. I don't know if we will continue MC but he will definately be continuing his private counseling.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To know that I'm not crazy when I don't understand what is making him blow up. To know that it's not me that is the cause of his anger. To learn more about BPD and how to help myself. To get some avenue to normal in my life.

[tarantula17]

What type of relationship are you in?

Husband/Wife as Christians

Years together: Less than one

Age: 35

Married: Y

Children/ages: 10/5

Living Together: newly seperated

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: separated twice now

Sexual Orientation: he is male I am female

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We began building a family and married life as Christians and people with broken pasts who could understand one another. It was beneficial to him, me and our kids.


What do you like most about your partner? He is intelligent, creative, loving when he is not in an emotional high. He and I have a lot of things in common, not just likes and dislikes but also how we grew up and what we believe spiritually.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His utreated BPD, my fibromyalgia

What do you find most difficult? How to diffuse his emotional high when I recognize it coming on, him understanding my fibromyalgia, getting him to even recognize he is physically harming me or himself at times, making the kids understand that Dad is sick and may not ever come back, making him realize his fear of Mr cheating on him has never happened and never would


How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? ) depression while this is going on, my body can't function well with the severe lack of sleep


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? He was before he went to NC, but I doubt now that he will seek it out again as he does not like the medical scene in NC. Therapist and psychiatrist he was just starting to see.


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? To put our family back together again, and if that cannot be so, to stolill be able to help and protect my husband wherever life takes him.

[joshbjoshb]

Great thread!

What type of relationship are you in? Married to uBPD

Years together: 8

Age: 35

Married: Yes

Children/ages: Yes, between 8 years old and 1 year

Living Together: Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: None

Sexual Orientation: Hetero

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Because of my children.

What do you like most about your partner?

She is excellent in arranging and being on top of the house and other chores. She is also very good looking, although that can also be a source of frustration.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her anger. Being negative all the time, blaming me for everything wrong with the universe, and of course not feeling that I am married to an adult.

What do you find most difficult?

That child thing. The fact that I am married to someone that can't have a normal conversation about herself, setting goals, analyzing and trying to be better.

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD. Pretty high functioning.



How would you categorize yourself?

Used to be codependent. trying not to


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I used to go to someone that was great at listening but that's about it. He didn't help me move and progress, so I stopped.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To try and become a better, stronger person, understanding how to handle the situation and maybe even improve it.

[Dobzhansky]

What type of relationship are you in?



Years together: 29

Age: 48 (both)

Married: 24 years.

Children/ages: three girls:  16, 19, 23

Living Together: No.  She left because she was "sad and homesick".  she has been living next door to her natal family for over 18 months.

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: She says she has asked for a divorce 6 times - "Let's fill out the paperwork" referring to divorce paperwork.

Sexual Orientation: hetero (both).

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

  I have known her since I was 18.  I love her deeply, or so I thought.  I want it to work because we have this enormous history together.  I have no interest in pursuing another relationship.

What do you like most about your partner?

  Beautiful, smart, exciting, funny... .our long history gives us much from which to draw.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Her anger issues, emotional abuse, communication.

What do you find most difficult?

Feeling like I have to walk on eggshells to avoid a blowout.  Now that she is gone I find myself in the uncomfortable position of feeling comfortable and safe w her where she is (so do the girls) but also struggling with how wrong it all seems.

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD traits. PPD traits.

How would you categorize yourself?

Mild depression. Probably co-dependent though this has only come out in my reading background for all of this

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Daughters and I in every other week therapy.  uBPDw in none.  Have asked if she thought it a good idea to pave the way for us to move where she is.  She won't entertain the idea.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

Gain understanding of this mess and skills so I can move on - also skills to help uBPDw and daughters

[NotThatGuy]

What type of relationship are you in?

Married, committed to staying together.

Years together: 9

Age: 35

Married: 6 years

Children/ages: two-- 15 mo boy and 2 yo girl

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: never, just lots of drama

Sexual Orientation: complicated. I'm a bisexual transgender man, she's lesbian, but considers me the exception.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I love her, I still want our family to be together as a unit. I think it's important for our kids that we continue to parent together and share a home. And I think all of us, especially our kids, would be worse off if we separated.

What do you like most about your partner?

She is an amazingly generous, idealistic person, and she's trying *so* hard to get better.  Life has given her more challenges than anyone should have to deal with, and she never gives up.  Her strength and courage just blow me away.  She's funny and smart and insightful, she adores our kids, and is overall an awesome mom.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

The failure of trust and respect. The stresses of the last few years have lead her to become pretty detached from her sense of reality and her sense of herself. I haven't been at my best, either and, too often, my actions have just compounded her problems. We're trying to figure out how to break the cycle. But we need more help.

What do you find most difficult?

My wife's lying, anger, and unpredictability have gotten to me (there has *never* been any violence, and I don't think it's likely, I should add).  I don't feel like I can believe anything she says, I'm afraid of her anger, and I feel like I'm completely cut off from the portion of our shared life that she's managing. She relies heavily on me for emotional support, but hasn't been able to give me any, really, in quite a while.

How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

She's being treated for anxiety and depression, and had been diagnosed with BPD before we met. I honestly didn't credit that much-- she was very stable for the first several years.  In retrospect I think she was basically in remission, and relapsed when the stress exceeded her coping ability. She was raised by alcoholics and has a strong family history of substance abuse, bipolar disorder, depression, and dissociative disorders.

How would you categorize yourself?

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )

I have depression and ADHD, as well as the challenges that come with being transgender.  My parents are also alcoholics, and I think my mom had BPD (we're estranged). I have some BPD traits, including pretty low self-esteem, and problems with concentration and emotion regulation. I've got a strong sense of myself and my goals, though.  We're both a lot higher functioning than we look on paper-- we're pretty good at keeping up the act, even when things are bad on the inside.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both of us, individually and together, though not in anything structured like DBT. But our therapists are familiar with it, and use mindfulness and emotion regulation techniques when they're helpful

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I want to learn from other people in similar situations, particularly about how to improve my own responses so they're not feeding in to my partner's problems.  I want to improve my boundaries and my own emotional health so that I can be the best spouse and parent possible.

I come from a broken home, I know what happens to a couple when mental illness drives them apart-- and I know what can happen to their children. I very, very much want to not repeat that pattern. 

[Give me strength]

What type of relationship are you in?Marriage

Years together:
24
Age:
47
Married:
yes
Children/ages:
16 & 18
Living Together:
yes
How Many Times Have You Broken Up:
never but almost a few times
Sexual Orientation:
heterosexual
What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I don't think a person should be discarded due to a mental illness and I have seen progress in him

What do you like most about your partner?
he has good intentions

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
communication - being blamed for the reason he loses his temper

What do you find most difficult?
the fact that he doesn't seem to be able to imagine what it is like to be on the receiving end of the rages yet he was raised by a mother who treated him the same way

How would you categorize your partner?
high functioning and no one in our friend group would guess that he rages on his family the way he does
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
the BPD traits I have seen in him are many - when we listened to an audiobook and they listed the traits, we both agreed that the 9 they listed were things we saw in his behaviour

How would you categorize yourself?
I realize that I am an enabler and have been co-dependant since I like to help people. I feel that I have lost motivation at times because I feel hopeless and have suffered great amounts of stress and anxiety from "walking on eggshells". I have recently been allowing him to just feel his feels instead of looking for solutions to his moodiness etc. I find that by allowing him to go through his range of emotions and just saying "oh" when he says how he feels that he then sees that his moods are not "normal" all on his own. It has made a big difference to me.
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  :)epressed?  Etc? )
I have maintained my confidence for the most part because I have always had great friends

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
we have tried therapy but he has found each therapist to seem to "side with me" so he wants to stop going. He does the DBT workbook sometimes but usually only after he has raged, otherwise he says it doesn't make a difference.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?my goal is to learn how to kindly communicate with him so that he can feel his feelings and hopefully be validated and that I can feel safe and take care of myself so that my stress and anxiety is reduced. Also I want our boys to see that it doesn't have to be this difficult in relationships.

[SpinsC]

What type of relationship are you in? Heterosexual marriage

Years together: 12+

Age: I’m 49, he’s 52

Married: 12+ years – eloped 4 months after meeting.

Children/ages: His, 30yo daughter, 24yo son. Ours, 9yo son

Living Together: one month before marrying

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1 before marriage, none since marriage, though threatened

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I do believe we love each other. If that is true, then I want us to stay together for a lifetime.

What do you like most about your partner?

His wit, his willingness to do the hard thing if it’s the right thing.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

His being so closed off has left me alone so much emotionally that I’ve become closed off. Much of his humor is derogatory towards women and races not his own. His anger, which is always just below the surface. The way he treats our son.

What do you find most difficult?

Voicing my opinions without ridicule, knowing what I want any more or how to ask for it. Dealing with his anger. Handling both of our depression. Coping without intimacy or touch when those are so important to me.

How would you categorize your partner?

All undiagnosed: cPTSD with strong BPD traits and some minor NPD traits (fleas?). Abuse during childhood and through first marriage of 17 years.

How would you categorize yourself?

Diagnosed: Depressed, codependent. Not diagnosed: cPTSD, some BPD traits, some minor Narc traits. Neglect during childhood and survivor of criminal SA in adulthood.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Not anymore. I was in therapy when we met. Both of us had some time in residential care for specific incidents leading to depression LONG before we met. We tried marriage counseling, but my insurance wouldn’t cover, so….

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

To manage my depression and work on my codependency. To learn skills to relate to/with him in a way that is more supportive without losing myself again. To learn better communication skills that work within his and my limitations so we both can feel safe and loved in this marriage. Or to understand if this is futile and gain the emotional strength to break free and divorce in a healthy way.

[halcyon]

   
What type of relationship are you in?
engaged to be married August 1st (monogamous)

Years together: 2

Age: me, 42; her, 27

Married: not yet

Children/ages: none

Living Together: yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 3x (last time was over a year ago)

Sexual Orientation: both lesbian

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
We have unconditional love and compassion for each other, and we both acknowledge how rare that is, so we want to nurture it.
We want to learn and grow together and as individuals.
We want to see each other's accomplishments in life; we want each other to succeed.
We want to be there for each other in the worst of times, not just the best of times.
We value each other's morals and goals.


What do you like most about your partner?
Her ability to just be goofy sometimes.
Her determination to make her life better.
Her compassion for animals, children, and the elderly.
Her creativity (she draws, sings, and is into photography).
Her love of travelling and seeing new places.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
Communication.
Learning to not take her outbursts "personally".
Trust (both of us).

What do you find most difficult?
Outbursts.
Fear that she will dissociate and disappear.

How would you categorize your partner?
Severe PTSD, BPD (shows 99% of symptoms, so I won't list them all), DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder).  She is not done being diagnosed, but her care team theorizes that her "fragments" (personalities from the DID) have their own individual disorders.  She has not dissociated for over a year.  But when she did dissociate, I witnessed narcissistic behaviors, anti-social behaviors, and possibly histronic behaviors.  She and I have both developed co-dependancy.  She is rarely depressed and is more prone to having extreme highs and extreme lows (but her extreme lows usually involve anger, not depression).  She shows low self esteem rarely; is more apt to show signs of the narcissism.


How would you categorize yourself?
I have generalized anxiety that sometimes results in panic attacks.  I have phobias (tornadoes, flying, claustrophobia).  I have "fear of abandonment" issues.  I am co-dependant.  I sometimes suffer from depression and low self-esteem.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
We are both in therapy.  I go twice a month; she goes every week.  She is also taking DBT skills class (2 hours every week).

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
I have gone through all the "lessons" here and taken notes
My goals are to learn skills and practice skills; also to get support.  There are no "support groups" for this in my area, so this is VERY helpful.  It helps me feel less alone.

[BetterTimes]

Years together: three

Age:51

Married:no

Children/ages:he has two - 18 & 26, I have one - 30

Living Together:no

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:none

Sexual Orientation:heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? We grow together and support and love each other and it's the best relationship I've ever been in, I feel like there's worlds of things we want to do and experiences we want to share, that we haven't done yet. He balances me really well.


What do you like most about your partner? His intelligence and interest in the world, his humour and charm, his cooking, his emotional intelligence, his perseverance and insight, his courage. I find him inspiring. We adore each other.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? his divorce, my migration, my insecurity, his health


What do you find most difficult? his self destructive behaviours, my hyper vigilance


How would you categorize your partner? Anxiety, depression, can be charismatic and deceptive

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself? Abuse and assault survivor, traits of anxiety and hyper vigilance. Ex addict.

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? he is in DBT. I see a counsellor and I don't know what the model is - gentle, affirming, attention to body ... .


What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? to learn healthy practices in a supportive environment and an alternative to wearing my friends out trying to figure this stuff out.

[LordSoj]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:
3.5 long distance, 2.5 living together and engaged

Age:
47

Married:
No

Children/ages:
6 children:  27g, 23g, 21g, 20b, 17g, 14b (me)
2 children: 21b, 16b (her)

Living Together:
Yes

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 
A few over the 3.5 years of long distance….never since living together.

Sexual Orientation:
Straight, heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We have been together and faithful with each other through thick and thin.  We are complimentary to each other and are deeply in love with each other.  Our goals are similar and our lives complete one another when we are strong.

What do you like most about your partner?

I like and admire her determination the most.  Not only does she struggle with BPD, she also has extreme back pain due to surgery and PTSD as well.  She “pushes” through, as she says and that strength is what I like most about her.




What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Top five for now... .more may be discovered later:

DysCommunication


Micromanaging by both parties


Lack of trust


Lack of being able to have personal time and/or conversations


Constant conflicts rising from the aforementioned

What do you find most difficult?

I find it most difficult to find someone to talk to that actually understands and can help me understand and grow better; as I have no one around or close at all anymore.

How would you categorize your partner?

BPD traits, PTSD, Low Self-Esteem, Depressed

How would you categorize yourself?

I have struggled with codependency and I have dealt with fears of abandonment and failure.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She is in therapy with an amazing counselor teaching her DBT skills and helping her function with her emotions.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?

I want to learn to be stronger.  I want to learn to lead properly instead of the ways I’ve been doing things.  I want to learn to support and strengthen and grow.

[Needhelp69]

What type of relationship are you in?
Married

Years together: 30

Age: 48

Married:30

Children/ages:10,13,15,17,22,26,29,30

Living Together:

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: none in marriage... .just lots of threats

Sexual Orientation: heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
My children

What do you like most about your partner?
Can be fun to be with, very hard working.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
Communication! Misunderstandings... .criticism.

What do you find most difficult?
Emotional guilt and accusations
Watching my children go into a shell

How would you categorize your partner?
BPD
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?
Emotionally drained, numb, depressed

(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  epressed?  Etc? )


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Not yet... .cant find one locally.
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
Encouragement,  advice