A Snapshot of our Relationships & Goals

[Think About It...]

What type of relationship are you in?
Engaged for a year after being apart for over 25 years; high school sweethearts/first loves

Years together: all together, over 32; one year since reunion
Age: 49
Married: not yet
Children/ages: none together, one son, age 10
Living Together: yes.
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: before our breakup years ago; we had "broken up" several times in 6-8m before "final" breakup
Sexual Orientation: hetero; he is "IT"

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I love this man. I loved him while married to two other men; he is "IT" for me...I have missed his love and the "way we were" and hope that we can "get back" there and even be better...We feel like "soul mates" and really do have a strong "soul" connection. He is my lover and friend an I want this to work because he is the only man I have ever loved and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

What do you like most about your partner?
So many things; he is so intelligent, witty, funny, "weird" and easy to get along with (usually), he loves animals, has many talents and skills, is "underappreciated" by so many and he is generous and taken advantage of by "friends". He is starting to establish boundaries and his self esteem is rising; I think my influence has helped in this area.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
Facing him NOT accepting his emotions and working out of them instead of "hearing" what I said. He "hears" what he is feeling and I end up "arguing that I didn't say that" more than I like. I am done with that. I told him that any comments that he might say that are intended to hurt me, won't anymore. I have found that being emotionally detached in ways WITH the knowledge of what I am facing is THE challenge. I walk on eggshells as they say but I have GREAT compassion and love for him. His biggest challenge is "facing himself" and that is what he will need to do to improve our relationship. I fear "not loving him" or having my love for him hurt by him but I think I might have just passed that hurdle.

What do you find most difficult?
When he yells and it makes no sense. I hurt for him. I can only imagine the RAGE and RAW emotions that he is feeling, but I cannot take responsibility for them. I am "not pushing his buttons". I am TRYING to TALK with him logically and sometimes get NO WHERE before I am BLAMED, ACCUSED or THREATENED with rejection. It is at a critical stage and NOW is the time to face it.
How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
So far, I believe BPD through and through.

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )
I was just thinking about this as I was driving this morning.
I was DELUDED into thinking that he could NOT possibly have ANY PD since I had just divorced an OCPD/NPD (son's father) and recently became a NON christian...
I think that I have been depressed, codependent but it was due to DENYING the possibility of BPD with him. 

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
Not yet. I told him last night "I want to see a counselor"...I also said that I will NOT talk to him about this without a counselor and when he starts a no win-circular argument, I am "nipping it in the bud" and will say "I will not talk about that. I want to see a counselor. If you would like to discuss that more, I suggest you write it down and discuss it with a counsellor yourself".  (I will repeat this like a mantra; or something similar)

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
To get the wonderful affirmation of what I am dealing with and that I CAN do everything that I am able and I am MORE than willing to learn anything I can to help him see and work on his BPD. I appreciate this site...thank you.
   

[real lady]

What type of relationship are you in?
Engaged for a year after being apart for over 25 years; high school sweethearts/first loves

Years together: all together, over 32; one year since reunion
Age: 49
Married: not yet
Children/ages: none together, one son, age 10
Living Together: yes.
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: before our breakup years ago; we had "broken up" several times in 6-8m before "final" breakup
Sexual Orientation: hetero; he is "IT"

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I love this man. I loved him while married to two other men; he is "IT" for me...I have missed his love and the "way we were" and hope that we can "get back" there and even be better...We feel like "soul mates" and really do have a strong "soul" connection. He is my lover and friend an I want this to work because he is the only man I have ever loved and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

What do you like most about your partner?
So many things; he is so intelligent, witty, funny, "weird" and easy to get along with (usually), he loves animals, has many talents and skills, is "underappreciated" by so many and he is generous and taken advantage of by "friends". He is starting to establish boundaries and his self esteem is rising; I think my influence has helped in this area.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
Facing him NOT accepting his emotions and working out of them instead of "hearing" what I said. He "hears" what he is feeling and I end up "arguing that I didn't say that" more than I like. I am done with that. I told him that any comments that he might say that are intended to hurt me, won't anymore. I have found that being emotionally detached in ways WITH the knowledge of what I am facing is THE challenge. I walk on eggshells as they say but I have GREAT compassion and love for him. His biggest challenge is "facing himself" and that is what he will need to do to improve our relationship. I fear "not loving him" or having my love for him hurt by him but I think I might have just passed that hurdle.

What do you find most difficult?
When he yells and it makes no sense. I hurt for him. I can only imagine the RAGE and RAW emotions that he is feeling, but I cannot take responsibility for them. I am "not pushing his buttons". I am TRYING to TALK with him logically and sometimes get NO WHERE before I am BLAMED, ACCUSED or THREATENED with rejection. It is at a critical stage and NOW is the time to face it.
How would you categorize your partner?

(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
So far, I believe BPD through and through.

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )
I was just thinking about this as I was driving this morning.
I was DELUDED into thinking that he could NOT possibly have ANY PD since I had just divorced an OCPD/NPD (son's father) and recently became a NON christian...
I think that I have been depressed, codependent but it was due to DENYING the possibility of BPD with him. 

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
Not yet. I told him last night "I want to see a counselor"...I also said that I will NOT talk to him about this without a counselor and when he starts a no win-circular argument, I am "nipping it in the bud" and will say "I will not talk about that. I want to see a counselor. If you would like to discuss that more, I suggest you write it down and discuss it with a counsellor yourself".  (I will repeat this like a mantra; or something similar)

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
To get the wonderful affirmation of what I am dealing with and that I CAN do everything that I am able and I am MORE than willing to learn anything I can to help him see and work on his BPD. I appreciate this site...thank you.
   

[alf1976]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 6
Age:36
Married:5 months
Children/ages:Not yet.
Living Together:2 years
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0
Sexual Orientation:Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? Bottom line is I am in love with the core of this human being who is a great friend and companion.  Underneath all of the "stuff" is a fantastic guy whom I adore.  I've seen and experienced him! He is a great provider and a wonderful father to his adult children.  We plan to have children in a year or two also.
 We went through alot of personal turmoil together before we got married having to do with our former spouses and have been each other's "rock" for a long time now. We worked hard to get where we are now in our relationship. Unfortunately, his part of the rock is beginning to crumble severely and I know my husband is ill, but I also know that he is a very kind and loving man with a lot of strength and courage who deep down doesn't want to live this way.  He wants what we all want (peace and contentment and security) but has no idea how to get there.  He knows that something is wrong but has little faith in counseling or psychiatrists due to some mistakes made by the last one he saw. Anyway, I know it can't ever be cured, but it can be managed and now I know there are sources which will allow me to change and better myself, too, so I can assist him better without being codependent or enabling.


What do you like most about your partner? I love my husband's kind, generous, loving, and super intelligent nature.  He is very courageous, driven and amazingly talented in his work.  We have many common interests. He can be funny and charming, sentimental.  He is also a good provider and great father to his children(who are grown now).


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? Rapidly and ever-changing expectations, rapid mood swings, unpredictability behaviorally, the fear that nobody likes or loves him, the belief that he is a "monster", alternating between valuing and devaluing people, overtly and covertly controlling behaviors, raging with verbal attacks and sometimes physcial outbursts (he's never hit me, however), inappropriate behavioral responses, attention- seeking behavior, narcissism, lack of consideration or understanding of boundaries of others, black and white thinking, projection/splitting, manipulation, fear of being alone suspicion, paranoia,dissociative episodes, massive depression, anxiety, feels overly guilty and hands out guilt trips.  the list could go on but I will stop there. Bipolar complicates the issue.


What do you find most difficult? To be honest, I don't think I could pick just one thing.  It is all there and some days one or more thing is more bothersome than the other.  It's a complex system that creates a surreal hell.


How would you categorize your partner? There are elements of bipolar, but BPD traits seem to be the most obvious and predominant.
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? ) For me, I am certain I have codependant features and I suffer from Bipolar Disorder type II


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? We just started couples counseling with our pastor this week as we have reached a crisis point - AGAIN in our relationship.  Both of us know SOMETHING has to be done.  However, with this new knowledge, I realize that it is more than just communication issues,.  There is a disorder tha is going to make any therapy very difficult.  But we will tread on.  I am going to get myself in therapy and work on me.  I can't change him. I can oly lead and support where and when he lets me.


What are your goals at BPDFamily.com? To gain insight, give and recieve support, learn and grow so I may make the best informed decisions in the future regarding my relationship with my husband and our life together.

[artman.1]

What type of relationship are you in?  Married, Children have grown up and left home. Near retirement.

Years together:47
Age:65.7
Married:43.7 years
Children/ages:38, 39, and 41
Living Together:yes, own home
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Never
Sexual Orientation:I am a Male, Het

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? Lifelong Love


What do you like most about your partner?  she is my partner in life


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?  Lack of Intimacy


What do you find most difficult?  her emotional irregularity, and distrust.


How would you categorize your partner?  BPD traits (7)
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?  Codependent
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?  I am seeing T for two years for Codependent, and for my ability to deal with her BPD


What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?  Better RS by working on me.

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

What type of relationship are you in?
Married
Years together: together 12 yrs, married 6
Age: 34
Married: Yes
Children/ages: 2 girls ages 7 and 4
Living Together: Yes
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: twice

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I love my husband and want to stay by his side.

What do you like most about your partner?
He is a great father. I love seeing him interact with my girls.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
Closeness, lack of connection, intimacy


What do you find most difficult?
All of it really. We have been in this battle for most of our time together. There was a short honeymoon period in the beginning then it was shear chaos.


How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
Definitely BPD. It's insane to me the connection that has been made between his behaviors and the traits of BPD. I think I've always know just didn't realize there was a name for it.

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )
Depressed, codependent, anxious

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
At the moment we are seeing a marriage counselor. Its a bit nerve racking after all that I have read.


What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
To reestablish a life with my husband and to learn the tools I need to take care of my family while having support of others who understand.

[EverHopefulinFL]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: inseparable for 2, dating for 1 and a half, engaged for six months

Age: 24

Married: not yet

Children/ages: none net

Living Together: for a year

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: he threatens everytime we fight and I packed my car and returned my ring upon his request once, but we have never officially or publically broken up

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
All of my answers are cliches: I feel like he truly is my soulmate. He can complete my sentences on good days. We have so many things in common, and I feel like he understands and accepts who I am better than anyone else (on good days). I cannot imagine a life without him. I cannot deny that part of me believes if I give up on him, no one else will ever discover what I have discovered, and he will never find happiness within himself or in a relationship. I want the world for him, and I want to share it with him.


What do you like most about your partner? Above all else, he can make me laugh when the rest of the world is falling apart. He knows exactly how to put a smile on my face. He is beyond intelligent; he is someone that I can have very interesting conversations with and share my views with. When I need a different perspective or someone to challenge me, I can always count on him. Some of the things I've learned make him BPD are things I have grown to love about him over the years; He's so caring and kind towards me and makes me feel like I deserve the entire world with a bow on top. He always puts others first, and he is incredibly handsome.



What are the top challenges facing your relationship? Aside from the obvious, we started our journey as friends. This means that he got to hear about other men that I was involved with before him and during the time of our friendship. In terms of falling for one another, I was several months behind him so he has always felt like I settled for him. To this day, he hasn't let go of this resentment and everything is my fault as a result. Secondly, he is an EXTREMELY sexual person, and I am simply not. He tells me all the time that it's so obvious that I settled for him because I've never been capable of showing him half of the passion I expressed towards other people when we were just friends. He refuses to just accept that I don't enjoy sex more than twice a week, regardless of who I'm with. He has an explosive temper and is extremely irritable, fueled further by his degenerative back injury that leaves him in crippling pain the majority of the time, regardless of his 70 hour work weeks as a sheriff's deputy. His pain makes everything worse, as does his BPD.



What do you find most difficult? Up until the time I discovered that BPD is what the underlying problem has been, I've been on the brink of insanity trying to understand what keeps happening and why I can't make him understand anything or believe anything I say to him. I have a BA in psychology and will be going for an MA in school counseling, so he already knows that I am clinical and curious by nature. Each time we would fight, I would try to understand where his feelings were coming from and point out things like "Love, last week you told me if I do X again, you'll be angry. Now you're saying you're angry because I refuse to do X. This doesn't make any sense. Can you help me understand?" This question would send him into a rage and I would be accused of being a cold robot who doesn't care about his feelings and only wants to "psychologize" (as he calls it) everything and try to analyze him all the time instead of loving him. Now I understand the validation principle so this will be easier for me. However, the things that are most difficult for me are having to swallow being snapped at and scolded and called annoying and selfish all the time. If I cry during a fight, I'm being selfish and making it about me. If I don't cry, I'm cold and have no emotion. It's always lose lose. I hate having to ignore logic with the one person I should be able to bare my soul to; finding logic is how I survive. I also have no sex drive at all right now, with everything that is going on. If I want to stay in this relationship, I have no choice but to dig deep and find a sex drive or it will cause rage and chaos that I simply cannot emotionally handle anymore. Finally, He is all I have in this town I live in. My parents are an 8 hour car ride away, and all I have in town are acquaintances and a job that I loathe. I feel alone in this problem. I also feel guilty for keeping all of this a secret from him. I know that it's in his best interest and the best interest of our relationship, but I still wish he could just understand things the way we do.



How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
undiagnosed/in denial BPD/my therapist thinks he has NPD traits/I think he suffers from dysthymia and substance abuse (binge drinking)

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )
OCD traits, very anxiety prone, and definitely codependent


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
I have been in therapy for years because I find it healthy to maintain a realistic focus on your emotional well-being. My therapist has acted as a mentor to me in recent years as I've embarked on my pursuit of graduate education, and has recently become a huge help in my relationship since I've entered into the rage phase and do not handle confrontation well at all (it frighens me, and I shut down in the face of it, which of course infuriates my BPD even further)



What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
 For now, my goals are to learn as many valuable tools as I can to communicate more effectively with my BPD to end the cycle of conflict so that I can get out of the FOG. Ultimately, my goal will be to assist him in facing this problem and putting in some work on his end, or learning how to live without him. He is beyond worth this fight and I plan to give it all I've got, but I can't spend my life fighting this battle alone. If he won't face the music one day and help me help him help us live a happy healthy life together, then I'm going to have to move on and I know I am going to need a TON of support to do that successfully. I'm here to empower myself and to provide whatever support I can in return for everyone out there who is, or hopefully was, as afraid as I am.

[Triptoes]

What type of relationship are you in? Married.
Years together: 2.
Age: 25 (me) and 31 (him).
Married: 13 months. (Married too fast? Oh yes, we know. We knew even getting into it. There just weren't many options for staying together at the moment.)
Children/ages: None. And staying that way until/unless we can improve our mutual relationship.
Living Together: 1,5 years.
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: None. But we've come close.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I love him. He loves me. When in a good place, we really do compliment each other well, can support each other's goals and have a great time together. We share similar values in life and could have a great life together if we can make it work.

What do you like most about your partner?
He's superbly witty, intelligent and incredibly funny. He's very fun to be around socially and interested in all kinds of quirky things and weird people _

[Raychel]

What type of relationship are you in? Married

Years together: total not quiet 2 1/2. Engaged 1yr. 2 mo. Married 1yr 1mo
Age: 29
Married: yes
Children/ages: no
Living Together: yes
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: none
Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I love him and want to see him get better. I am full of hope.

What do you like most about your partner?
he has a big heart and is caring

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
his mood swings, how he takes his medication, how he just discovered alcohol makes him "feel calmer"

What do you find most difficult?
getting him to realize what he's doing is self distructive

How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
BPD and I think also PTSD (although he was never offically diagnosed with PTSD)

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

depressed and low self esteem

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
My husband is and I will be soon

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
to share my story with other people and to let them know they are not alone.

[tiffneymarie]

What type of relationship are you in? Husband has undiagnosed BPD (and possibly unknown others)

Years together: 7
Age: 43
Married: Yes
Children/ages: From my previous marriage: Daughter 15, Son 14
Living Together: Yes
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Once
Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I see good qualities in him.
He's made improvements on his own, already.
Financially.
He (on good days) supports me and understands me.


What do you like most about your partner?
He's very smart. And know so much about things I don't.
He has helped me teach my children responsibility and respect.
He is good at things I lack in.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
His raging.
He won't seek treatment or listen about BPD.
He often stops taking his medication and then lies about it.
It ALWAYS has to be about him.
His opinion is the only one that counts.


What do you find most difficult?
His raging.
He doesn't have any friends to go do things with so I never have some time to myself.


How would you categorize your partner?
BPD traits


How would you categorize yourself?
Depressed, anxious


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
No, I've had years of therapy but I'm considering finding a support group.


What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
I hope to find out more about BPD and ways I can learn to communicate more effectively. I hope to learn more about my role in the relationship and I want to learn to set boundaries and keep them. I want to learn how to keep my children safe from emotional abuse that might arise. I also want to learn how to be able to go and do normal things with family/friends on my own without the constant harrassment of my husband to come home. Finally, I want to figure out if staying with him is an option I can handle.

[kimberlysc]

Type of Relationship:

Years together:  14 1/2
Married:  Yes
Children/ages:  18 (previous relationship for me) 13, 11 all boys;  a bird, 2 dogs, 2 inside cats, one and a half outside cats, a parrot, 2 ducks, a chicken, 3 or 4 pigeons
Living together and have never broken up

Top reasons i want this relationship to work:  God
What I like most about partner:  loves animals as much as me, will cook
Top challenges:  kids, and having to spend every second with H
Most Difficult:  boundaries
Categorization of Husband:  Bpd, depressive disorder
Categorization of myself:  an enabler
Therapy?  no one
Goals at Bpd Family.com.:  the main one would be boundaries

[jmjarman1]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:  15

Age:  49

Married:  No.  Unmarried Spouse. (Let_

[gina louise]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 3, married one
Age: 55 him, 51 me
Married: yes
Children/ages: he has 3 , I have 4- range from age 30 to age 16.
Living Together: yes
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: once, before we got married-But if I listened to him it would have been at least 6 or 7 times this year, as he tries to force me out every time he rages!
Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I like being half of a couple, I appreciate the comforts of having a steady r/s with one person, when he's in a stable mood things are good, he's a good provider, we have common goals and interests, we started out as friends so there's not a lot of secrets, he can be a good listener, he's welcoming to my kids and his kids are like my second family, he's been supportive of my hobbies and interests-although when he's dysregulated-nothing on this list seems show up!


What do you like most about your partner?

he is funny, he likes a variety of activities, he's proven himself to be a good friend to others, he shares his day and wants to hear about mine-even if I never left the house,
he is affectionate and enjoys spending time with me,


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

I am not sure that I can deal with his inconsistent employment, our first year of marriage he sat 9 months with no job and wasn't looking very hard, until his savings ran out at the end. He was playing solitaire online!
Dealing with the unpredictable rages/blame and accusations is unsettling...I already raised 4 kids, I don't know if I want to *raise* another one, who may never grow up.
His lack of empathy, irrational behaviors and selfishness may be what pushes me away, ultimately.
His extreme self-centeredness makes him less appealing as time goes by.

What do you find most difficult?

Dealing with him when he's emotionally volatile. Having to be the only real adult in the r/s most of the time. His emotional immaturity and acting out can be both frustrating and embarrassing.
I don't have a stable partner that I can lean on for support-most of the time I feel I am holding BOTH of us up!


How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD/Npd ...he had everything but the self harm and cutting behaviors-although he does pick at his skin til it bleeds. he has an adult history of impulsive, demanding and irrational behaviors; stole $ from family members when they refused to loan it, poor financial decisions, large gaps in employment, bought expensive items and but neglected to pay for them...history of substance abuse and alcoholism, string of failed r/s, splitting, rages, blame,
He had T as an adolescent for depression, and as an adult. got a dx he claims of bipolar(*or something* he said)-but he denies having it. he's perfect. he's wonderful.


How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I do not see myself as CoD, not depressed, neither Npd or Bpd. I feel that I have a healthy sense of self, and I can set and insist on boundaries. That's why I may opt out of this r/s...if I don't see healthier changes. It's not what I want out of my life. I already had a failed marriage with a bully...who I believe was npd and was a silent rager.
I am stronger now-and not willing to sacrifice myself for a r/s. I am not afraid to be alone again.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

not yet.


What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?

I want to be able to learn and practice the tools that help me to exist with this person close to me who exhibits unstable and unpredictable behaviors. To enable myself to better cope with his instability, and navigate through choppy waters. And to better understand his disorder-so I can see him for WHO and what he is and not what I want or need him to be.
GL

[flyfisher]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:
Age:
Married: y, 25
Children/ages: yes, teens to young adult
Living Together: yes
How Many Times Have You Broken Up:  0
Sexual Orientation:

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? I do care for her and still find her attractive. Investment of 27 years together, wanting to build on that for the future, not to punt and start over. Following through on our values and committments and to 'finish the 2nd half' together. Example to kids and others.


What do you like most about your partner? Very sociable. Good sense of humor. Nurturing and caring. Committed and faithful.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? Communication. Acceptance and grace for differences. Inconsistency in dealing with issues and each other. Emotional drainage.


What do you find most difficult? Hearing statements that are not true stated as accusations and fact without ability to discuss. Threats based on "low points". Recycling issues that were agreed to be resolved. Listening to the same things excessively repeated. Neediness. Being accountable for anothers 'happiness' and 'peace'.


How would you categorize your partner? Traits of several PDs but no official diag. I would say 'medium funtioning'. Long history of depression and anxiety.
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself? (NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? ) Not diag with anything. Maybe mild depression related to r/s and long term stress on several fronts. Physically healthy, stable and steady. Battle worn, recognized that changes 'had' to be made in me and our r/s, got to the critical and unmanagable point. Learning about codependent behavior and trying to implement positive change in myself and our relationship. I believe my love, committment, and stability has crossed the line to unhealthy dependency on me and expectations of me; therefore became codependent traits in me. Working on 'righting the ship'.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? W has seen p-doc for over a decade. We have been in marriage counseling for over a year.

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com? To learn more about PD traits, how others successfully deal with it, to recognize poor behaviors in myself and to make positive changes, to learn how to more effectively lead in my marriage and family.

[cindyr]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 27 total (divorced from eachother for 6 of those years - remarried without knowledge of hb BPD diagnosis - he has not been told of diagnosis).
Age:54
Married:yes
Children/ages:31 and 28
Living Together:yes
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1
Sexual Orientation: heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
Family experience
Financial


What do you like most about your partner?
He is sensitive and caring.
He has a strong sense of providing.
He is the father of my children.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
His perceptions and reactions due to them.
Me 'reacting' to those perceptions.


What do you find most difficult?
Deferring and NOT defending.


How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
BPD traits


How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )
Low Self Esteem/Codependent


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
YES!  ME!  To work on ME!  I can only control one person in our relationship...me.
My relationship with myself is most important, my relationship with our family nucleus is my value to
continue to work.


What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
To 'see' objectively.  To understand my part in the dysfunction. 

[HenrySarria]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: .5, friends for 7.5
Age: 23 (me) 22 (her)
Married: Engaged
Children/ages: None
Living Together: No
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: First time
Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

She's my best friend, and I love her. We're both better off together, even if we're just friends. I've invested quite a bit into this.

What do you like most about your partner?

She's kind, caring, loyal, and brilliant. She's been through hell and just keeps on going. I really admire and have heaps of respect for her.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Distance; she's in Australia and I'm in the US. She's undiagnosed, and I didn't realize she was BPD until after things went bad. Boundaries.

What do you find most difficult?

The distance. Dealing with her in detached protector mode.

How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD completely.

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Asperger's syndrome. A bit depressed now, and was a bit codependent.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

She's in therapy for bipolar and PTSD. I see tdoc for no specific reason, was for anxiety but I'm over that.

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?

Understand BPD and learn ways to help improve our relationship.

[Cardinals in Flight]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: in "relationship" 1 yr. total 2 yrs.
Age: 48 and 52
Married:No
Children/ages:me 3 @ home, her none
Living Together:NO
How Many Times Have You Broken Up:  once
Sexual Orientation: lesbian

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
  The feelings are deep, and mutual


What do you like most about your partner?
  She is thoughtful, funny, intelligent, makes me laugh, we share many ideals, and are opposite enough to attract..


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
  the balance so she does not feel smothered or engulfed


What do you find most difficult?
  learning to trust after initial rage incident, during holidays last year

How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
on the low end of the BPD spectrum, some NPD traits

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

codependent traits, surfaced during this r/s before I knew about BPD, sometimes low self-esteem

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
I'm in talk therapy, have been for years for various issues...


What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?

I want to continue to be a good "friend" or significant other to my pwBPD, reading here bolsters what is a continual learning curve.  It's also beneficial in dealing with others in my life as well.

[rollercoaster24]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together; almost 3
Ages; Him 45,  Me, 44
Married; No
Children; Him 0, Me 2, (oldest 22 and living with me with her partner, the other 19 and lives with his girlfriend and her family)
Living together; not anymore
How many times have you broken up: my partner breaks up with me twice a week
Sexual orientation; heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work; the hope for the future, and all the things we can do together, the shared values, and the love.

What do you like most about your partner?
His sense of humor and zaniness, his core values, his kindness, his ability, his intelligence.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship;
my partner facing his demons, and my ability to cope with his illness.

What do you find most difficult?
Doing all the right things, the validation, the boundary setting, and I am still attacked anyway..

How would you define your partner;
BPD, with possibly some delusional disorder or rapid cycling bipolar. NPD traits thrown in.

How would you define yourself;
Low self-esteem. social anxiety. lack of confidence.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, for what?
Yes, I am, but my partner is not..I am for low self-esteem, support, validation of my feelings from someone who really understands.

What are your goals at BPD Family?
I am trying to learn how to achieve a better relationship, by applying the lessons learned here..there have been times when I have succeeded, but mostly I am pretty confused, and cannot see many improvements..
probably need to post some more, and try to apply the lessons..maybe post better, that way it is easier for others to make suggestions if things are clearer..

[Scarlet Phoenix]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: almost 3
Ages: He: 37, me: 38
Married: No
Children: No
Living together: We recently decided to move into separate apartments to have a  little more personal space
How many times have you broken up: 3-4 times, but only for a short time. My dBPDbf has also told me many, many times that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
Sexual orientation: him: heterosexual, me: bisexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work:
We have a deep connection and passion for each other, share many of the same values and we want the same things in life. We also have a history that goes a long way back. He was my first real love, back in the late 90's.

What do you like most about your partner?
He's intelligent, funny, passionate, full of ideas, honest, loyal and generous.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship:
The dynamic between his BPD-behaviours and my co-dependence, coupled with the fact that I've moved to a foreign country (his home town) to be with him. Also a difference when it comes to being introvert/extrovert.

What do you find most difficult?
Detaching with love has been hard, and "getting out" in time when the tension rises. And not having been able to rely on him for support after moving here. It's made me feel extremely lonely.

How would you define your partner:
BPD, high functioning

How would you define yourself:
Co-dependent. Some anxiety issues.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, for what?
Yes, we both are. He's in cognitive therapy for his BPD and I'm in therapy to deal with everything that's happened since we got together and also some old wounds.

What are your goals at BPD Family?
To learn, learn, learn! About BPD obviously, but also to see myself and my reactions in a clearer light. To find comfort and support.

[NonGF]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 10 months followed by 6.5 months NC, ended NC 2 weeks ago
Ages: 39 (me); 33 (him)
Married:  No
Children/ages:  No
Living Together:  No
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1
Sexual Orientation:  Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?  
We connect SO well on so many levels!  We have a deep love and appreciation for each other.

What do you like most about your partner?
He's very empathetic, intelligent, thoughtful, and we share many common interests and ideas, some of them very quirky and unique to us.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
The biggest challenges were his need to withdraw vs. my need for contact, his mood swings, his twisting of my words, my PTSD.

What do you find most difficult?
My biggest difficulty since we just started communicating again is balancing giving him space so as not to trigger his engulfment/abandonment fears vs. letting him know I care and he has a green light with me.

How would you categorize your partner?
BPD/PTSD with some dissociative traits

How would you categorize yourself?
PTSD with some BPD traits when triggered

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
He's been in consistent therapy for 8 years (not sure of all the details).  I go to therapy on an as-needed basis, recently for the RS issues I was having and also FOO issues.

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
More self-awareness, greater understanding of BPD, to learn how to better support myself and my BPDex

[Wishful thinking]

in?

Years together:2
Age:33 H44
Married:2
Children/ages:H2
Living Together:2
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 1
Sexual Orientation:straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I love him.


What do you like most about your partner?
Hes funny. Warm hearted. Loves animals. Kind.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
Trust.


What do you find most difficult?
Being painted black.

How would you categorize your partner?
BPD


How would you categorize yourself?
Depressed. Hardworking. Lost. Tired.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
I was for 3 years.


What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
To learn about BPD and how to deal with crisis.

[lostinthefog]

What type of relationship are you in: Long-term, committed.

Length of Relationship: 6 1/2 years. 5 online, 1 1/2 in person.
Age: I'm 31, she's 33
Married: No
Children: None
Living together: Yes
How many times broken up: Many, always initiated by her
Sexual Orientation: Both straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We both love each other very much and feel that despite our problems we have a strong relationship that's worth holding on to.

What do you like most about your partner?

She is incredibly smart, funny, engaging, thoughtful, beautiful, fun to be around, many shared interests and the things we are opposites on work out well.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

For her: Lessening her symptoms to the point where she can manage her daily life and live more normally
For me: Finding ways to cope with and lessen her BPD behaviors
For us: Lessening the amount of conflict and chaos

What do you find most difficult?

- Remaining supportive and happy
- Re-establishing trust in her
- Dealing chaos and destructiveness that her BPD causes in my own life
- Her lack of seriousness and effort when it comes to getting better

How would you categorize your partner?

Moderate end of the BPD spectrum. Acts inwardly (Waif characteristics) when depressed or lacking confidence. Acts outwardly (Queen characteristics) when feeling more confident. NPD traits, notably lack of empathy towards those closest to her. NPD mother, antisocial and physically/emotionally abusive father with some BPD traits.

How would you categorize yourself?

History of anxiety and depression. Codependent with her BPD, possibly related to my own mother having been severely BPD during my childhood.  BPD Mother/Codependent, but otherwise normal father.

Is anyone in therapy?

Yes, me. During the course of our relationship I've been to six different doctors on my own for my anxiety and later, for coping with her BPD. When it comes to treatment for myself, I've had CBT, neurofeedback, hypnosis, EMDR, group therapy, numerous medications, and hundreds of hours of regular therapy. My anxiety is now nearly gone, even without medication.

She went to a few sessions with my last psychotherapist, but, to make a long story short, it didn't work out well and she hasn't been anywhere since. It's been a year since then and she's finally scheduled with a new doctor for next month.

Goals at BPDFamily.com

To learn how to better deal with her BPD, how to take care of myself when things are bad, and hopefully to improve our relationship