A Snapshot of our Relationships & Goals

[Think About It...]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 15
Age: Both 34
Married: No
Children/ages: cat
Living Together: 14 years
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0
Sexual Orientation: M/F

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I can't imagine anyone else in my life.  I love him.  I know he loves me, he just has trouble being consistent and considerate about showing it.  We've shared so many years of our lives I can't give up and walk, short of an abrupt and exponential increase in his behaviors during dysregulation.  We are a 'family' with our fur-babies.  He has supported me as best as he could during the fallout from both my BPD parents through the years. 

What do you like most about your partner?
He can make me laugh and smile.  We share so many common interests, I find him attractive (when we met I thought he was too attractive to ever notice me), and following just a few early conversations we just clicked.  He's creative, got a head full of great potential ideas for writing,

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
I am recovering from the people-pleasing, problem fixing, indentured servant, self depreciating behaviors taught to me as a child of two PD parents.  BF is the child of at least one PD parent, and his own BPD makes it hard for him to feel loved, respected or even liked.  He struggles to accomplish 'normal' things, like keep up with class when enrolled in college, keep a good work relationship with most co-workers at many jobs, and to finish projects.  He self sabotages through procrastination born from fear of failure - "If I never try, I can't be said to fail."  Likewise, I think he pushes friends away so they can't leave him first, and he tries to push me away, refuses to go through with marriage all because he's convinced I plan on leaving him at some nebulous time in the future.  He also has a rebellious streak where he feels he's in control if he refuses to do what is asked of him, especially with regard to his siblings and parents.  eh wants to be loved and liked, but can't see how his actions make it hard for them to do so... and his siblings share some BPD issues of their own in varying degrees, making it hard for them to get past real and perceived wrongs. 

Our needs concerning physical and spoken affection are at odds very often.  I want and feel a need for hugs and reassurance pretty often during the day - not surprising I guess.  He feels stand offish, distant, and only seems to be comfortable with affection via sex, and even then he has issues about worrying I am judging him, I don't like him, etc. 

What do you find most difficult?
I am a pleaser.  I still fight my desire to 'fix' everything to feel worthy, and to enable my BF by doing for him what he really needs to do for himself.  I feel sad at times that I feel I need to be hyper-aware of his possible moods in order to avoid dysregulation and rages.  I feel sad that I am in a role where I feel I cannot rely on him to be emotional able to support me when I am in a weak place; I feel I am there to help support and guide him, but he can't really reciprocate in the manner or to the extent I want.  It's difficult because developmentally, he is about 5-10 years off his chronological age at times, and is 'behind' where he feels he should be, and I have to silently agree at times.  I sometimes feel anger or resentment (I hate that) for being the one who has finished school and taken up breadwinning, cleaning and all 'adult' things for a long time, and now he is barely 'catching up', and I don't want to feel angry about him not working or finishing school when I know it's a lot to blame on this condition.

How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
I see him as mostly BPD, with a lot of abandonment issues, a lot of trouble reacting in a more adult manner to problems, he takes offense at what seems like nothing, he never lets go of an insult or injury, and each time a person hurts him, it's like they've hurt him to the magnitude of all hurts in his life, not in proportion to what really happened.  He has some NPD traits, needs to put himself up by bringing others down, wants recognition for things he considers doing but never starts or rarely finishes, feels he should be regarded as super-smart and super-accomplished, but hasn't shown the credentials to back that up, and believes people should know he's smarter, better, stronger simply by seeing him, not because he's shown them in any way.  He is often passive/aggressive - angry if you didn't read his mind about what he wants, protests by ignoring requests or things he knows you want to be done (house hold chores are a big one, here), and is chronically late and somewhat poor with money. 

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )
Low self esteem - Co-depdenent issues.  Depressed at times.  I have my own abandonment issues, but they seem to make me cling to people more than push them away to 'get back at them first'.  I am trying, now, to sort through how I was programmed as a child and find better ways to deal with things in my life.  I am learning that everything is not my fault and that I cannot change another person or convince them of anything they don't want to hear. 

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
No - Both tried it various times - guess the resources in our area aren't that helpful, an/or neither of us is/was ready for help in that manner.  Message boards help me so much more than any therapy I have been to. 

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
To learn better how to recover from my abuse as a child, and how to help myself and my BF improve our life together as a couple.  To help learn healthier ways to think about and do things. 

[isilme]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 15
Age: Both 34
Married: No
Children/ages: cat
Living Together: 14 years
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0
Sexual Orientation: M/F

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I can't imagine anyone else in my life.  I love him.  I know he loves me, he just has trouble being consistent and considerate about showing it.  We've shared so many years of our lives I can't give up and walk, short of an abrupt and exponential increase in his behaviors during dysregulation.  We are a 'family' with our fur-babies.  He has supported me as best as he could during the fallout from both my BPD parents through the years. 

What do you like most about your partner?
He can make me laugh and smile.  We share so many common interests, I find him attractive (when we met I thought he was too attractive to ever notice me), and following just a few early conversations we just clicked.  He's creative, got a head full of great potential ideas for writing,

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
I am recovering from the people-pleasing, problem fixing, indentured servant, self depreciating behaviors taught to me as a child of two PD parents.  BF is the child of at least one PD parent, and his own BPD makes it hard for him to feel loved, respected or even liked.  He struggles to accomplish 'normal' things, like keep up with class when enrolled in college, keep a good work relationship with most co-workers at many jobs, and to finish projects.  He self sabotages through procrastination born from fear of failure - "If I never try, I can't be said to fail."  Likewise, I think he pushes friends away so they can't leave him first, and he tries to push me away, refuses to go through with marriage all because he's convinced I plan on leaving him at some nebulous time in the future.  He also has a rebellious streak where he feels he's in control if he refuses to do what is asked of him, especially with regard to his siblings and parents.  eh wants to be loved and liked, but can't see how his actions make it hard for them to do so... and his siblings share some BPD issues of their own in varying degrees, making it hard for them to get past real and perceived wrongs. 

Our needs concerning physical and spoken affection are at odds very often.  I want and feel a need for hugs and reassurance pretty often during the day - not surprising I guess.  He feels stand offish, distant, and only seems to be comfortable with affection via sex, and even then he has issues about worrying I am judging him, I don't like him, etc. 

What do you find most difficult?
I am a pleaser.  I still fight my desire to 'fix' everything to feel worthy, and to enable my BF by doing for him what he really needs to do for himself.  I feel sad at times that I feel I need to be hyper-aware of his possible moods in order to avoid dysregulation and rages.  I feel sad that I am in a role where I feel I cannot rely on him to be emotional able to support me when I am in a weak place; I feel I am there to help support and guide him, but he can't really reciprocate in the manner or to the extent I want.  It's difficult because developmentally, he is about 5-10 years off his chronological age at times, and is 'behind' where he feels he should be, and I have to silently agree at times.  I sometimes feel anger or resentment (I hate that) for being the one who has finished school and taken up breadwinning, cleaning and all 'adult' things for a long time, and now he is barely 'catching up', and I don't want to feel angry about him not working or finishing school when I know it's a lot to blame on this condition.

How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
I see him as mostly BPD, with a lot of abandonment issues, a lot of trouble reacting in a more adult manner to problems, he takes offense at what seems like nothing, he never lets go of an insult or injury, and each time a person hurts him, it's like they've hurt him to the magnitude of all hurts in his life, not in proportion to what really happened.  He has some NPD traits, needs to put himself up by bringing others down, wants recognition for things he considers doing but never starts or rarely finishes, feels he should be regarded as super-smart and super-accomplished, but hasn't shown the credentials to back that up, and believes people should know he's smarter, better, stronger simply by seeing him, not because he's shown them in any way.  He is often passive/aggressive - angry if you didn't read his mind about what he wants, protests by ignoring requests or things he knows you want to be done (house hold chores are a big one, here), and is chronically late and somewhat poor with money. 

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )
Low self esteem - Co-depdenent issues.  Depressed at times.  I have my own abandonment issues, but they seem to make me cling to people more than push them away to 'get back at them first'.  I am trying, now, to sort through how I was programmed as a child and find better ways to deal with things in my life.  I am learning that everything is not my fault and that I cannot change another person or convince them of anything they don't want to hear. 

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
No - Both tried it various times - guess the resources in our area aren't that helpful, an/or neither of us is/was ready for help in that manner.  Message boards help me so much more than any therapy I have been to. 

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
To learn better how to recover from my abuse as a child, and how to help myself and my BF improve our life together as a couple.  To help learn healthier ways to think about and do things. 

[Pandarine]

Years together: 7
Age: Him: Newly 28. Me: Nearing 29 (about an 8 month age gap) His emotional age has always been several years behind.
Married: 2 years
Children/ages: Unable to have children, thank God! Would like to have pets but can't right now due to housing situation.
Living Together: Not before marriage, except for the week and a half we were homeless before we got married. (Long story)
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: 0
Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

Our story is a strange one. I will try to sum up what happened without going into much detail. Here's the gist: We tried to be together for five years amidst my family force separating us, and then when we finally got married it didn't fix everything like he thought it would.


I grew up in a hyper conservative homeschooling family that believed in arranged marriage. When I was 20 they introduced me to a man they were arranging a marriage for me to. I did not know this at the time. When I was 21 I was allowed one semester away at college, under that guy's wishes.

I met my husband during the first week of that semester. We had common interests, and as we talked, I found that some areas where he struggled I had been in my own life. It was not my intent to really "help" him, only to support him as he went along. I did not see any evidence of BPD at this point, just some anxiety and Asperger's symptoms. We had a whirlwind romance, getting engaged three weeks after we met.

At any rate, we did not have long at college together because he developed lupus and had to return home to Massachusetts for treatment. I wasn't allowed to go back to college that next term, and fortunately the guy my family wanted me to marry bowed out because he saw I didn't want him (why would I? He was twice my age... literally!)

Well, my husband's family was verbally abusive toward him and living there for treatment for the next two years seemed to throw him back ten years emotionally. I would have to stop a major panic attack over the phone pretty much every day during those years.

Then his family was going to put him in an assisted living home and well, he's mentally quite brilliant, so that wouldn't have been a fit. My family decided to let him live with my aunt and grandparents. My aunt is a self-professed "holistic nurse" who thought everything could be cured if he ate a raw food vegan diet. This left him in a starving state (literally, he was on less than 1,000 calories a day) and as a result he now has ballooned back up to 240 pounds and cannot stand the idea of losing weight- everything is black and white for him, thus starving is the only way to lose weight.

However at the same time as bringing him out to where I live, they sent me off other places. I had never been allowed to have a job, drive a car, etc. so by the time I was 26 I was still totally reliant on my family- exactly the way they wanted things to be.

Eventually there was nowhere else to send me so they brought me back home and we were closely chaperoned around each other. Eventually we ran away, became homeless, and eloped.

We are Christians who firmly believe in "for better and for worse" and it was shown during our engagement. To leave now that we are married would be saying that the past hasn't prepared us.

What do you like most about your partner?

I LIKE the fact that he is very passionate. If there is a wrong in this world, he wants to fix it. Unfortunately he doesn't seem too get the fact that he cannot solve the world's problems. He has a real "righteous anger" complex.

He is an artist soul, well, of the writer kind. He has a rich inner world he strives to get put down on paper- unfortunately sometimes his righteous anger gets in the way.

He does genuinely love me (despite what is said about a lot of BPD) and wants to help me when needed- but he can't.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

Unfortunately along with the "righteous anger" thing comes an overprotectiveness of me. If I am even slightly annoyed about something and talk to him about it he picks it up as another of his crusade causes. He can't even handle his own problems, let alone mine. So I've just stopped talking to him about anything serious at all. If he can't solve my problem, all of a sudden, he's "bad, evil, need to die, should just go ahead and kill myself so you can be free... you'd be better off."

His emotions are so all over the place that he ends up being exhausted early into the day. Either physically or emotionally, I don't know, but it ends up that he cannot help with minor household tasks like the dishes, putting sheets on our bed (we've gotten into full blown arguments because he was so frustrated at putting sheets on a bed.) Unfortunately, my limbs are too short to reach the faucets in the back of the kitchen sink so I can't do the dishes, and the counters are too high. Thus, our kitchen has not been cleaned thoroughly in over a year, and our dishes have not been entirely washed for over a month. It's attracting cockroaches, and then he panics over them because it's ptsd to back home where cockroaches roamed his house growing up.


What do you find most difficult?

I just want to be able to talk to him about my own emotional help without him having problems. I'm pretty emotionally deadened but occasionally I have my own issues.

How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Sees the world in black and white, there are no shades of gray.
If someone meant to help, but ended up hurting instead, they are "bad, evil, demonic" no matter what their intent was.
Often feels evil or bad, or sometimes nonexistent.
Constantly changing moods, gets angry at the littlest things (such as politics in a game,) becomes suicidal if he gets less than a B average on a quiz or test.   

Diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, Tourette's syndrome, Major Depression, BPD.


How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I have low self esteem. I have always been large no thanks to my Cherokee ancestry, so I look fat because my ribs are huge even though I'm not actually overfat. I also have trichotillomania so I am pretty much bald+fat+ugly.  I don't think I'm codependent. I would say I have minor depression but I don't have money for therapy or to get anything checked out. We're still just one step from becoming homeless again. Only his student financial aid and his SSI are keeping us afloat. Without the financial aid we would most certainly be homeless.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My husband was in therapy, but hasn't been since June. The only counselor in our area who takes medicaid doesn't know how to deal with BPD, and always says, "well just ignore it, stop worrying about it" to every thing that he brings up.

[DiggNitty]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 6 yrs
Age:59
Married:Yes
Children/ages:None together
Living Together:Yes
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Never gotten to that but have had my things packed many times.  Have spent 3 days away from her after an episode.
Sexual Orientation: heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I love my wife.  She needs my love and I need hers.

What do you like most about your partner?
Her free spirit which is now buried by work and its stress.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
She is in denial about her condition because she believes she should be that way due to her heavy stress level in her career as a nurse.

What do you find most difficult?
Her condescending attitude and inability to understand simple things in a conversation, turning those simple things into a huge stand off, with her being the only right perception of the topic.

How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
BPD

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )
Generally, very happy, great attitude about life and living it.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
My wife sees a psychiatrist regularly.  He just gives her renewed prescriptions.
She also goes to a pain clinic for pain management.

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?

To find stability for myself with my SO and tools to help her.

[shammick]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 16 yrs
Age:36
Married:Yes
Children/ages: 2 sons - one four years; one 4 weeks
Living Together:Yes
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Twice before we married; after marriage in-house separation for 3 months before reconciling
Sexual Orientation: heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I love her, and want to make it work.
I don't believe divorce is an option except in cases of infidelity.

What do you like most about your partner?
Her passion, her intellect. Her spontaneity, her ability to engage with me and draw me out. The way she relationally complements me in many areas.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
Added stress levels, adjustments to 2nd child, now 4 weeks old.
She has never completely faced her issues, and becomes defensive if I bring it up.
The way she triangulates our children into conflicts in order to gain an advantage, using them to hurt me, and trying to drive a wedge between my older son and I.
My desire to protect my sons, and my feelings of powerlessness at the abuse I see them witness and experience, the FOG.
My desire for intimacy but failing to receive it.


What do you find most difficult?
Her manipulation of my son to get him on 'her side' in conflicts, her wanton disregard for his emotional well-being and inability to regulate her self in conflict for his sake


How would you categorize your partner?
BPD

How would you categorize yourself?
I am vulnerable to:
 Low Self Esteem
 Codependence
 Depression
But generally responding in a positive and healthy way given my predispositions

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
I have been in the past, but not in the last two months. Spiritual counselling.
We went through a period of marriage counselling about 10 months two years ago.
She saw a psychologist for a short period (six sessions) for post-partum depression about 1 year ago.

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
Find some additional emotional support and insight during what seems like will be a period of escalating conflict (with birth of 2nd child)

[Wanda]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 14
Age:50
Married:Yes
Children/ages: 2 sons - one daughter ages 27 23 19 the kids are not his..
Living Together:Yes
How Many Times Have You Broken Up:  once for a year a therapudic separation \
Sexual Orientation: heterosexual
[What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
/color] I love him he isn't that bad since i set my boundaries and used the tools.
What do you like most about your partner?
HE can be funny and we have alot in common. He has helped me raise the kids he is more of a dad then their real dad.[What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
/color]  REmembering he has BPD sometimes i forget to use the tools and boundaries and when he acts out i forget it is due to a condition. so i guess my challenge is remembering because with my husband easy to forget.What do you find most difficult?
when my husband acts out and it isn't towards me it is towards someone else and i have to listen to it but know when he sees them it is very stressful due to his anger he has towards them. and they have no clue...
[How would you categorize your partner?
/color] HIGh functioning BPDHow would you categorize yourself?
 codependant but very strong and understanding and accepting .
Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
use to be me for co  dependancy him for his anger .. HE won't admit to any personality disorder.What are your goals at BPDFamily.c To help me remember he has BPD also to help others and get support

[momtario]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 10
Age: 28
Married: yes
Children/ages: D-almost 8; D-5; D-2.5
Living Together: yes
How Many Times Have You Broken Up:
Sexual Orientation: once, a long time ago; almost twice

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? Our children, and I am an eternal optimist; I can NOT believe (or will not) that there is no hope for him


What do you like most about your partner? On his good days, we make an excellent team; it's sometimes like he can read my mind -  we have known eachother our whole lives, and on his good days, he really "gets me", even though I am a little off. (aren't we all? ) and I know he really does care, even when his pain gets in the way of him being capable of showing it. He does really try.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
 the fact that he is uBPD, so he doesn't even understand what is happening inside of himself, and is unaware of the pain he causes us.

What do you find most difficult?
setting boundaries and navigating the FOG. I've been lost in the fog for what seems my whole life.

How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
uBPD with some NPD traits or rather some NPD  he picked up from his father

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

low self esteem, codependent I've picked up a few BPD traits
Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
no, but it is on my to-do list to see a T

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?

to learn the tool and ways to put them into practise; to verbalise the things I am experiencing with ppl who understand, with anonymity

[yeeter]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:  11
Age:  48
Married:  10 years
Children/ages:  S7, D5, D3
Living Together:  Yes
How Many Times Have You Broken Up:  None (moved out for a short stint, and was within one week of divorce court date hearing.
Sexual Orientation:  This last drought lasted over a year.  I never dreamed I would have a celibate life.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I believe it will be better for my children with me directly involved in their day to day lives
I believe that as an ex, my wife would be insanely difficult to deal with, would brainwash my kids against me as a bad/evil person, and would make life difficult at every opportunity she had (which would be a lot, and would involve a lot of legal time).  So in effect, fear.
I do enjoy being part of a family unit
Pure stubborness in admitting that its a complete failure
My wife IS a good mother (90% of the time) - caring, compassionate, competent


What do you like most about your partner?
Competency (she is crazy smart, and capable and competent)
Hard worker
Great mother



What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
I dont really like spending time with my wife.  By far, this is the big one.  I try to avoid 1:1 time with her unless its focused around child rearing activities.  I have to 'will' myself to do things with her because I 'should'


What do you find most difficult?
The extreme positions on various things.  The circular arguments that go nowhere.  The uncertainty of what will upset her.  The constant need to have everything work out 'perfectly'.


How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
NPD traits
BPD traits

Dramatically improved from the first 3 years we were together (which was severe emotional abuse!).  At times it is almost normal - but a bomb underneath waiting to go off makes it difficult to relax and be myself around her.


How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )
Coming out of depression (which lasted for several years)
Codependent a little
Low self esteem at this point (which was definitely not the case at the beginning of the relationship)

Basically, this relationship destroyed me as a person and I am trying to ground my own identity again, and rebuild my sense of person


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
Two years T for me.  Currently switching to one with more experience with PD's.  Early marriage T for me, and early marriage MC for both of us.  Over the last two years we have tried 5 different MC's, with very limited impact.  Its HARD to find a T that can actually make a difference!  Wife just informed me she wouldnt go back for a second visit with the latest one, so again its been reset to find a MC

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?

Learning.  Learning how to cope/deal with the realities.  Learning about myself, and why I choose to stay - because if I was advising myself I would advise to leave.  Learning tools to help manage the relationship.  Gaining clarity and conviction for myself in my decisions.

[Gentle_Girl]

Oops...redoing this.

[Gentle_Girl]

What type of relationship are you in?

Brand new one.

Years together: Only 2 months.
Age: I am in my mid-40s, he is 50.
Married: Neither one of us are married, but he has been divorced twice and
I have been divorced once.
Children/ages: None. Neither one of us has children.
Living Together: No. Feelings very strong, but have yet to meet in person. Presently
a long-distance relationship. I don't even know if he will even like me romantically in person, or just want to be close friends only. Time will tell.
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: None.
Sexual Orientation: He is bisexual and I believe he sometimes has that gender identity confusion or sexual orientation confusion trait which is said to sometimes happen in people who have BPD.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We have chemistry together, at least I hope he feels it for me, just as much as I
feel it for him. I wish he'd fall madly in love with me someday.

He's a lot of fun and I would love to be around him as much as possible.

What do you like most about your partner?

He's protective over those he cares about, like a real man should be.
He is excellent at giving me steady communication and has not disappeared from me.
His strong work ethic.
He quit smoking and I'm very proud of him for doing that.
Deep voice, handsome.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

I have to wrap my mind around the fact that he is bisexual and that is tough to accept and deal with. I would never try to change him, I know better.

Another tough challenge is the "push-pull". One day I am his focus of affection, but then the next day, no, not so much. Then the day after that or a few days after that, I get his sweet, wonderful attention again.

What do you find most difficult?

Please see above.

How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

Borderline Personalty Disorder traits but I figured this out all on my own and could be wrong.
He never told me he had such a thing. That is just my guess.

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

I am a person with OCD-Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I am not, no, not presently. However he MIGHT be going to some sort of anger management class right now, since I think maybe it was recommended he go to one...recommended by one of his bosses.

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?

To learn and to also give back all I can. I really appreciate the words of wisdom here, and the people so much.

[Happiest]

What type of relationship are you in? Married (me - for the third time , him for the second)

Years together: 5 1/2
Age: Me 57, Him 39
Married: 6 mths
Children/ages: all mine D34, S25, S24, S20, D19
Living Together: 5 years on and off
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: more than 6 probably 9
Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I really like my husband (when he isnt dyfunctional) He is fun intellegent and loving. We like mostly the same things and I like being with him. I like sharing my life with in a strong relationship.

What do you like most about your partner?  He is fun intellegent and loving. Has a good sense of humour.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
 He looses track of the truth, gets depressed and aggressive, and we fight a lot. Mostly about his temper or expecting too much from me financially. It wears off on me and I have difficulty not getting angry when he is not respectful.
Also he owns everything and has his parents have paid for a large chunk  of this house we live in. I want a place of ours so I can be free to enjoy OUR/MY home.


What do you find most difficult? That I am expected to contribute to the improvements and maintenance on a property that NEVER will belong to me and if anything where to happen to my husband I will be on the street.
Added to that, we simply cannot discuss sensitive issues without him loosing his temper which in turn gets me hot headed and frustrated.


How would you categorize your partner? BPD traits
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?    - possibly Co-Dependant. although I have moved out and got my life toether a number of times. At the moment depressed
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? Yes - him for the last month. wanted to stop but I had issues with him stopping. I will start therapy again in a week His therapist in a phycoanalyst, but he has only seen her three times. His other councellor is a male who deals with directions and spiritual healing.
. We have seen three T together, attended workshops together and both had individual T for approximatelly 10 times each.
I dont know who is best for me to see at this point and am looking for someone.

[littlefoot]

What type of relationship are you in?
We're talking about moving in together and eventually getting married.

Years together:  Off and on for 4 yrs.

Age:  I'm 59, he's 41

Married:  We're both divorced, each married just once decades ago

Children/ages:  He has a grown son living in another state

Living Together:  Still live apart

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: not sure- in the past we were "just friends" most of the time, and when we did have a "dating" relationship it would last a day or two... then he'd get mad and we'd not even speak for weeks, even months.  Gradually, we've spent more time together then apart.  We had a disagreement a few days ago and didn't see each one day- did e-mail and talk on the phone, but I told him not to come over.  That's when I joined this site.  Each time we get back together we talk more and seem to understand each other more.  We both want it to work.
 
Sexual Orientation:  heterosexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?  I do believe I love him and I even believe he loves me.  Neither of us like to be alone.


What do you like most about your partner?  He's funny, he can be very sweet at times.  And probably most of all, I really like all the effort he puts into his recovery! 


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

We both have been hesitant about relationships because of past problems.  We both are bipolar and depending on what psychiatrist you talk to I may also be borderline.  In the 1970's I definitely displayed borderline traits- but I've worked hard to overcome them.  I don't believe I would meet the DSM criteria for borderline today, at all.

Probably the greatest challenge, I think we'll face- if we move in together- is financial.  We both have disability income.  His income is greater, and he's only been receiving it for a matter of months.  He has not been able to live within his income or even close to it.  I've very frugal, and despite my income limits he owes me close to $500 just in this month alone.  I admit I'm very uncomfortable about this.  He has borrowed from me the past and always paid me back.  He has the greatest earning potential and wants to work.  He doesn't want me to work, and if we move in together I know I'll have to spend a great deal of time picking up after him.  He's a total slob, something I've actually found rather strangely endearing.  If he can work and I can become the housewife he says he wants- and I want- it can work.  But, that's a big "IF". 


What do you find most difficult?  The way he handles money.  I've done without so much in my life and I'm scared!

My last relationship was ten years with someone who is multi-fractured DID.  When his system completely fell apart, I was devastated in soooo many ways.  In 2006, I spent 3 winter months living in my vehicle.  My health isn't good, and I can't let myself get into that situation again.  I may not have another ten years to wait for someone to get their life together, and I don't want to lose myself trying to save him.


How would you categorize your partner?  Definitely BPD.  He also has a history as a sex offender and narcotic addict.  And that is where he's accomplished so much towards recovery.  Plus, he's bipolar- but quite stable since he's been on Lithium.
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )


How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )  I'm bipolar with a few BPD traits.  Probably co-dependent, too.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?  At the moment, neither of us have a therapist- for financial reasons.  We'd both like to find therapy we can afford.  Both of us have Medicare as our only insurance.  He also attends NA and I attend OA- though, he's between sponsors and only goes to meetings when he has the gas to drive to the next county for the meetings.


What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?  To understand my part in this relationship, make it work- if it can, and if it can't- to move on without losing myself in the process.

[aubin]

What type of relationship are you in?
We've been dating for a year and moved in together at 10 months. We separated just a few weeks after moving in together. Before separating, we had discussed marriage and building a family. Although the last few months have been hellish, I feel almost lucky to have found information on BPD so early in our relationship.

Years together: 1
Age: I'm 37, she's 30.
Married: No, but it had been discussed
Children/ages: No
Living Together: Not anymore, we separated two weeks ago
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: this is the first major breakup (others lasted literally hours)
Sexual Orientation: lesbian

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
We are definitely still in love with each other. Additionally, my SO is well aware of her condition and wants to change so I have faith that some progress can be made. The challenge is whether I can cope along the way.

What do you like most about your partner?
The same thing I don't like about her: her passion.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
We've lost trust in each other.

What do you find most difficult?
My biggest challenge is getting through my SO's rages unscathed and especially not feeding into them. Her anger is severe and total. I just don't know how to deal with it. There are other challenges but this one actually scares me at times.

How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
Definitely BPD and also a history of depression. Some histrionic tendencies too.

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )
I have a history of depression and, more recently, anxiety. Also, diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. Normally I'm a fairly confident and proactive person. But I've become reactive in the context of our relationship and my compassion has turned into codependency.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
My SO has been in therapy for most of her life. I've been in therapy off and on over the years. I'm trying out a new therapist right now. We've also committed to seeing a MC.

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
[/quote]
My goal right now is to learn as much as possible about MY role in the BPD relationship. I'm also looking for some support as this is something that I'm not able to talk to friends or family about.

[itsaconspiracy]

Years together: 3
Age: Im 27 she is 28
Married:No
Children/ages:N/A
Living Together: Not at the moment
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Too many times to count
Sexual Orientation:Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work? Beause the two of us are still in love and I only want to be with my girfriend who has BPD not anyone else. She is the love of my life and at times we feel like soul mates, neither of us have felt this with any of our previous partners and we hope to one day get married and have children, of course when we have done somthing about both of our issues.


What do you like most about your partner? I find her extremely physically attractive. I love her love and we feel very comfortable together when there is  no turmoil in our lives. She is also very fun and generous, we have alot in common.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship? Mental anguish, extremely intense arguements. Everything about our relationship is intense. Trust Issues, Long history with not everything being good. Family interfering in our relationship and our lives. Alchohol abuse, ex drug use. Mental illness (BPD and others).


What do you find most difficult? Communicating our issues, getting out of this rut.


How would you categorize your partner? BPD Traits, Anxiety, depression, delusions.
 


How would you categorize yourself?
Depressed, Anxiety, possible bi polar. Alchohol abuse.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what? I am seeing a psychologist to work through my issues. Have done anger management in the past. Girlfriend is currently staying in a mental health ward at a hospital in the city where I hope they are helping her.


What are your goals at BPDFamily.com? To learn about my girlfriends illness and to understand how she feels and how I can best deal with our issues and work out ways of treatment so she can become well again.

[Lencha]

What type of relationship are you in?

Romantic

Years together: 1.5
Age: Me 34, she 20.
Married: No
Children/ages: No
Living Together: No, it's a distance relationship since few months
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Several, usually for less than an hour, a couple of times for 2 days
Sexual Orientation: hetero

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

I thought we were meant for each other, no longer sure about it.
We can both improve ourselves since we connected at such a deep level, also due to her condition which forced us to.
I just want her to get on track with her life, doing my best to support her until I'll have a positive grip on her and until she will be so vulnerable.


What do you like most about your partner?
She is young and beautiful, she's funny, lively, insightful and has moments of phylosophical genius. She's also extremely sweet and good hearted. She loves me and is committed to me despite everything.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

To keep my career while being constantly drawn to her dysregulation. It works also from the distance.

What do you find most difficult?

To trust her. To resist her manipulative attempts at letting me drop everything for her.  To deal with her crisis shen she is needy and with her silence when she obviously is entrateined.

How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD big time. Totally chaotic, inside-out. 

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

No longer Co-dependent, that's one thing I managed to control. I'm depressed seasonally, avoidant, narcisistic tendencies and a drop of obsessive compulsive traits.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

I'm in therapy, we just talk. I've been introduced to Mindfullness meditation by my T, is making a huge positive difference in the way I feel and behave.

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?

To share my experience, rationalize what I can and receive constructive inputs though the comments. It made the difference for me when I was feeling very, very, very down. Might have saved my life not to feel so unlucky and isolated. THANKS.

[myfault]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together:  3 married for 2
Age: Im 46 H is 41
Married: 2 years (separated since Nov 2011
Children/ages: him - daughter 17 ,  me -  son 14
Living Together: not any more
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: more times than I can count, but this is the first separation
Sexual Orientation: hetro.

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

at the time - I loved him, I said the vows, thought we were soul mates

What do you like most about your partner?

He was funny, seemed caring, loving honest

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

they were money, honesty, abuse, neglect

What do you find most difficult?

How someone could say that they loved you then abuse you verbally and mentally

How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

BPD, diagnosed bipolar

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Codependant

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Me for codependancy


What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
to help others to share my story and to grow to understand that there is life after BPD

[juliakgd]

What type of relationship are you in?
Romantic (engaged)

Years together:  That's so complicated. I was always dating someone else, but he was always caring for me for two years. Finally 9 months ago we started dating, and now we're engaged.
Age: Im 20 H is 21
Married: in 6 months and 20 days!
Children/ages: N/A both of us are incapable and don't want any.
Living Together: yup!
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: up until last October, once a month, so...4 times?
Sexual Orientation: mine: pansexual his:bisexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I love him to my very core, and I get physically sick when I think of my future without him. I truly believe he can get better, and he's already made headway, and I can trust him again. I can see us having a happier future than I've ever imagined with anyone else. He is my equal.

What do you like most about your partner?
He cares about me even when he "hates" me. He cares for me when I'm sick. He loves me unconditionally. He was there when no one else was. He loves music. He loves my dogs   I could go on forever.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
abuse, lying, rages, trust

What do you find most difficult?
trusting him again, although I have managed to build up quite a bit, he finds ways to knock it back down.

How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )

diagnosed BPD at the very least traits, NPD, dependent, avoidant, former addict/alcoholic, bipolar I with psychotic features

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )

Codependant, recovered BPD traits (diagnosed) anorexic, GAD, panic disorder, schizoaffective, severely depressed, severely low self esteem.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

Both of us. For our relationship, and how to help each other.


What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
To learn, and to share my experiences.

[DandG4evr]

What type of relationship are you in?
Friendship

Years together: 8
Age: 22

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: As friends, I think 3 times?
Sexual Orientation: mine; straight.  Hers; bisexual

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
I miss the positive side of our friendship; our friend group was a tight unit, and I've grown enough as a person (and she's growing as well) that I'm hoping to give this another try, a healthy try, and have us both be friends again.  She can be so fun-loving, and we share a lot in common, and if it works out I think we could be very good friends to each other.

What do you like most about your friend?
Her sense of humor, her willingness to be spontaneous, her intellect combined with her wit

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
Her willingness to seek treatment (currently is seeking but this has changed before), and my defensiveness and hypersensitivity to negative behavior.  I am also struggling with how she speaks of me behind my back, because it's like I'm hearing of a second person who isn't even related to me; so, perception of each other I guess.  It's hard figuring out how to work on what I need to, without being unhealthy to myself

What do you find most difficult?
Being patient, and being emotionally detached.

How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
BPD; I'm not sure about other traits...? Recently she has struggled with some depressive thoughts and anxiety but I feel like those can tie in with BPD.  Also, struggles with self-image quite a bit due to health problems related to her weight and family's reaction.

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )
I've struggled with depression before, and when this friendship first started in jr high I believe we were both highly codependent, with me desperate to make a new best friend since I lost my old one.  I also struggle with body image and low self esteem.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
My friend is in therapy, but won't share too many details and I haven't pried since I'm glad that it has been helping her (I suspect cognitive-behavioral from the description but I could be wrong).  I am not currently in therapy.

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
  To understand the problems and difficulties we're having are not unique; to try to gain insight into what I can do, to form proper boundaries, and to decide if this friendship is salvageable.  This site has been helping me determine if it's possible to form a healthy relationship as a friend; I haven't figured it out yet. 

[argyle]

What type of relationship are you in?
Married.
Years together:10
Age:39
Married:8
Children/ages:1/3.5 years old
Living Together:9 years
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Depends.
Moved out: 0.  Demanded divorce: ~100
Sexual Orientation: Straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
1. Love
2. Child

What do you like most about your partner?
Good person. Honest, smart, and compassionate.

What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
At this point - sustainable, stable, and nurturing living situation for all of us.
1. Sleep issues BPDw
2. Rage issues BPDw
3. TV issues BPDw

What do you find most difficult?
Co-parenting - poor parenting from BPDw. Also, essentially single-parenting toddler.

How would you categorize your partner? (I tend to think of things as on a spectrum)
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
BPD: 9/9 criteria (self-harm is weakest...hairpulling, most of 9 are clinical)
NPD: 5/9 (bordering on nonclinical for the 5)
ASPD: significant lack of remorse
PPD: paranoia is primarily, but not entirely, transient
Asperger's: Probably not clinical - but sensory overstimulation issues and inability to understand social cues or multitask, coupled with excessive honesty are not typical of BPD/NPD.
Schizophrenia: Probably not. Some hallucinations - probably medication-related.

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )
Asperger's: Around typical level for math contest winner, nonclinical, score a fair bit below the threshold on all the test's I've taken.
Schizoid: Non-clinical, excepting reduced emotional affect - which is probably clinical. However, therapist thought that I was not a mild person, so...eh.
Schizophrenia: No symptoms, but I feel a real bond.
Depression/Mania: Yes.  Subclinical.  (Blah vs happy days, predictable patterns)
Low Self Esteem: Possibly, but not very.  Cautious/prone to self-doubt and overanalysis
NPD: Light on compassion
Codependent: Typically score low on the attitude-related quizzes, but I have picked up codependent behaviors during the course of the marriage.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
BPDw: DBT + individual
A: 8 individual sessions for support, a DV counselor, currently concluded
BPDw+A: MC

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
1. Learn about BPD: mostly done
2. Identify common R/S patterns: mostly done
3. Companionship
4. Learn coping strategies/detachment strategies: mostly done
5. Child-rearing tips with disordered partner: in progress
6. Give something back

--Argyle

[momtario]

I just re-read my own post here; I made an error that could get confusing. We broke up once a long time ago, and we are straight. 

How Many Times Have You Broken Up:
Sexual Orientation: once, a long time ago; almost twice

[LoveNotWar]

What type of relationship are you in?

Years together: 3.5
Age: 55
Married:  1.5 years
Children/ages: I have a grown daughter, no children for him
Living Together: separated while he gets some mental health help
How Many Times Have You Broken Up: We are doing a separation but still committed to working on the r/s.
Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?
He is my husband, I made a commitment to him and  I do love him.I can see very clearly how miserable he is and  I want to support him through therapy and see if we can make something better out of our life.


What do you like most about your partner?
His sense of adventure. I am pretty active and I never thought I'd find someone my own age who could keep up with me. He got SCUBA certified so he could SCUBA with me, he ran  5 and10Ks with me he will hike, camp, ski, climb a mountain, go to a concert, ...the only thing I can't talk him into is a sky dive.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?
His terrible raging and anger that escalated into physical aggression. We dated long distance for two years and were married about 6 months before I ever heard his anger but the last year has been tough and the last 3 months have been a nightmare.
I blamed myself until his rage became so terrifying I knew it couldn't really be me. We are separated just now but, thankfully, he is getting treatment and we have a plan to work through this. Just hope he continues in therapy.

What do you find most difficult?
 Not taking his terrible comments personally and I am trying very hard to identify my boundaries.
Also his physical aggression has been the most scary and stunning thing I've ever experienced. This is the reaon we are separated.


How would you categorize your partner?
(BPD traits? NPD traits? ASPD traits? Etc? )
BPD...out of 9 characteristics I count 7. He was Dx during a mental health hold because of suicide attempts.

How would you categorize yourself?
(NPD traits? BPD traits? Low Self Esteem? Codependent?  Depressed?  Etc? )
Coming out of a depression, starting to find my center again. I have some codependent traits, I'm a caretaker, a cheerleader, I like to please and I want everyone to find the joy in life.

Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?
Both of us. I went first when I realized I was depressed, stressed and not functioning well. He is in therapy and started after he broke my wrist. He likes his therapist...so far.

What are your goals at BPDFamily.com?
To gain knowledge, learn strategies, share with others in The same boat and get some support.
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