Take the Pledge

[Think About It...]

My goal is to know myself more fully.  To learn to honor myself in my words and actions, and to carry that forward in my conversations and interactions with others.  My hope is that I work towards this, doing the items I checked in the pledge will become easier because the struggles of this relationship will be an aspect of my life - rather than it's focus.  This is my goal. 

[tcevans78]

My goal is to know myself more fully.  To learn to honor myself in my words and actions, and to carry that forward in my conversations and interactions with others.  My hope is that I work towards this, doing the items I checked in the pledge will become easier because the struggles of this relationship will be an aspect of my life - rather than it's focus.  This is my goal. 

[Demeter1]

 
I am working on using the "edit button" on my mouth to stop the cycle of conflict when my SO hits my defense buttons!  Dropping my ego and stepping outside my own feelings when he's raging helps to calm him down.  He then sees that I am trying to understand his side of the story.

I will, however, make it know to him that when he starts breaking or throwing things because someone isn't behaving the way he feels we should behave, our daughters and I will vacate the premises until he's gotten his temper under control.

I will also continue to nurture myself, get my college degree, get a good job, and become less financially dependent on him.  This will not only empower me, but help ease the stress caused by money problems.  One less thing to trigger his rage.

I am committed to work on our relationship to the best of my ability, however I will expect my needs to also be met.  When I need to speak up about an issue, I don't want to be afraid of him losing his temper because he doesn't like hearing what I have to say, whether it's about finances, our daughters, or anything else.  He needs to hold up his end of the deal, otherwise I may need to leave to escape the rage and protect our daughters.

[newbie101]

My Goal is to learn more about BPD...how to vaildate..word choices..and what I can do to work on the dance of the push/pull and silence within our relationship...I am also ordering the I hate you don't leave me and stop walking on EggShells fook.

[SunniSmiles]

I understand that my SO has a mental illness that is characterized by unstable and intense interpersonal relationships. My partner did not create this disorder. Recovering from this disorder is a significant personal challenge as is recovering from any mental disorder.  

I pledge to try to understand this disorder and help my hubby recover.

[toomanyeggshells]

My goals are to learn how to validate and have more patience with my uBPDbf because I know those things will make a world of difference in our relationship.  I bought SWOE months ago and have not yet opened it.  My goal is to read, read, read.

For myself personally, my goals are to keep taking care of myself and keep working to dis-enmesh (un-enmesh?) so I can still be me. 

[Neverknow]

Near term goal is to get into therapy for myself.

Just did that and was lucky enough to find a t who is treating some BPD patients.


My BPD wife and I are separated but I am getting so much insight into the disorder and her and my own actions that have made things worse than they had to be.

[Easydoesitnow]

I am willing to take the pledge.  I am not currently in my relationship but I commit to the pledge to working to bring the relationship to a healthy place for my uBPDbf, my children and I, whatever form that 'healthy place' may be.

My near term goal is to stop being a victim in my relationship. I want to begin to reclaim my emotional well being and lead my family to a healthier place.  I will start by stopping complaining about my partner in a victim-like way to others.

[artman.1]

My priority at this time is to seriously work on my codependence, and hope to learn the language necessary to communicate in a mindfull way with my UBPDW.  I have not attempted to talk about BPD to her, however I have included her in my work on myself towards my Codependence.

Art

[megocean]

I pledge to be strong enough to not be a victim, to focus on and take care of myself when my SO is dysregulated, instead of wanting him to take care of me because I am distressed about his mood or behavior. I pledge to give him room!

[wwjd2]

My goal is to get mentally heathy, read, find a t for me and my kids

[qcarolr]

Hope I am welcome on the staying board - my r/s is with my BPDDD25 as part of my family with dh and gd6 plus the current bf of DD. I need this to get grounded again. So this Pledge fits what I need to do to take care of myself right now. I am so glad I stopped here today.

Next near term goal: get back into therapy - have appt next week. And accept that things are going well for now and stop looking at the sky watching for that 'other shoe' daily. Tomorrow has to be left to take care of itself!

qcr

[pointblankdp42]

My near term goal is to work on the pain I'm feeling in the relationship so that it doesn't affect our relationship in a negative way. We have passed through and diffused many conflict situations and I now know where her limits are, unfortunately, sometimes I give in too much on my own in order to keep the peace, and I end up not feeling too good, so I need to learn to re-assert myself in a positive way, hopefully without causing too much conflict.

[Weatherman]

I pledge to work diligently on my part of the relationship with my uBPDw by working through the lessons/workshops here, reading, and practicing, practicing, practicing...namely validation, setting proper boundaries, and bringing up difficult necessary topics appropriately with my w rather than let them go to avoid confrontation.

[twistedmarriage]

I pledge to learn as much as I can about how I contribute to the cycle of conflict in my household, to not react or dole out any form of emotional, verbal and/or physical abuse to anyone with the excuse that I was reacting to soomeone or defending myself from the unknown. 

I pledge to have faith in this journey of self-discovery and betterment for the health, safety and welfare of my kids.  I pledge to remove my kids from any violent or aggressive interaction peacefully and quietly.

I pledge to learn about boundaries, setting them and breaking them uinintentionally.  I pledge to let my husband be and not worry about who he is with or what's on his phone or computer.  I pledge to not think about what he is doing when he is not with me.  I pledge to focus on my own self-development and to not be concerned about how my positive actions for myself will affect my spouse.  I pledge to live life to the fullest while being mindful how my choices affect my life.

I pledge to be respectful and supportive of whatever path my husband chooses, whether it is to separate, divorce or live without intimacy. I pledge that I will not coerce him to "love" me either by demands, threats or insinuations. Nor will I ask him to love me.  I pledge to maintain respect for love that is given freely and by choice. 

I pledge to love myself and take good care of myself irrespective of my husbands or anyone's actions or words. 

[Neverknow]

Took the pledge and have been trying hard to maintain it.  Got the pay off the other day.  My uBPD wife came to me and said there was something she wanted to talk about.  She started talking about all of her crazy feelings (essentially went down the BPD list) and wants to go to therapy to try and get better.  I was floored. We have an appointment Thursday.

[SmileAnyway]

 Hi!

I was contemplating this last night.  If my SO was lying in hospital in a coma, I would never get uptight with her for her inability to function as a wife properly.  She would have my total support and love.

Sadly scars caused by mental illness are unseen unlike the ones caused by a physical ailment.  To all onlookers perhaps our loved one functions like everyone else.  We singularly appear to be the target of 'their' private/secret abuse.

This obviously is painful to us.  We feel exhausted, unloved, discarded.  Yet they are ill.  They are not wicked.  They may even be oblivious to the treatment they met out.  Likely they are abuse victims themselves.  They can't walk away from their condition/memories.  And they fear that because we could walk away, we likely will!

Our frustration comes from believing that if they acknowledged their condition and got help, things would improve and we could rekindle the love we first experienced.  Maybe it would.  Maybe it wouldn't.  But I feel strongly that there is a need to demonize the condition, not the person!  Of course that is not easy, when the condition as made manifest in them causes us the pain.  But if we were to catch flu, we are unlikely to start building a case against the likely carrier who bought it to us.  Our enemy is the 'flu' not the carrier.

I love her so so much!  And nothing would please me more that for her to make me her confidant and to work with her in helping her to heal over whatever may have happened and for us both to practice the skills needed to accommodate one another and get along.  In my case it feels unlikely this will happen.  But my love for her, my feeling toward my marriage vows before god and the value I hold for the family unit means I will do my human best to stick at it.

I am not overly dependent on her, nor do I secretly delight in being abused, I don't enjoy playing the victim and work overtime in presenting a united front and 'smiley face' to all onlookers, at times I crumble in private, prayer is a massive help to me.  I want to work at being focused on seeing her as a beautiful person (in every way) who is also sadly ill and in emotional turmoil. 

You know, my grandparents in dementia used to hit and curse my parents.  But that wasn't them, that was the condition.  Sure it hurt, sure  my parents grew tired of it and needed time out (barriers) and needed mechanisms to prevent making matters worse (validation), but they knew deep down that they were dealing with ill folk.  They were still very much the people who once raised them, soothed them, financed them and defended them.  And I guess if we look closely enough at our SO and particularly if we have decided to stay and improve things, we will recall that there is a good reason why we are still here and haven't left the scene.

I am going to 'try' and make a personal pledge, to cease blaming her and instead try to understand the condition and how it regulates them.  I feel this will protect my feelings toward her and my own emotional wellbeing.

This site is an excellent resource and I guess, what I really ask from it is the ability to understand the condition, the tools to stop making matters worse and the strength to stick at it.  And when it all seems to be going wrong, what we all need is the support of each other.  After all most of us have chosen to use this site for the assistance we can get from it, knowing that by our 'anon' status we preserve the dignity of our loved one.

Tomorrow (or even in an hour) I may feel different.  Human nature usually dictates that if an animal bites us we instinctively defend our self, its rare for any of us at that moment to question what triggered their attack.  Our SO are much more complex and valuable than this simple illustration, but I guess it goes part way to explain, why in the heat of the moment we only see our partner abusing us... when things cool down though, I find it healthy to readjust my disgust away from my SO and to the condition that plagues them. 

I wish you all well in our joint pursuit to understand, show love and have it reciprocated.   May there be peace for all!
 

[sami12]

Hi Polo, you are so right, this is exactly what I am trying to do, I looked up some videos about BPD on you tube to try and understand what my boyfriend is going through and it made me cry.   If he feels like that then nothing I do or say will change his mood and I feel devastated he has to go through this.  At the moment I try to make him feel better during his 'dark moods' and this always, always backfires and he gets angry and nasty towards me, so I am going to try to accept I can't change him and leave him to work out his own demons, knowing he will be ok again once he has done this.

I am only at the beginning of this and have already failed to follow my own advice but I will not give up on him and will keep trying to see his 'dark moods' as his illness and not caused by me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmOfds7UH7U&feature=related

[Sir5r]

It took one year in CBT and a lot of time with others on this site for me to get to the point where you are.  You have given yourself freedom now. The freedom to love her despite her illness.


Sir5r

[JimNelson89]

The Staying Board Pledge

• I understand that my SO has a mental illness that is characterized by unstable and intense interpersonal relationships. My partner did not create this disorder. Recovering from this disorder is a significant personal challenge as is recovering from any mental disorder.    

... Yes

• I understand that our relationship problems are relationship problems - attributable to both of us.  We both have a role.

...Yes

• I understand that our relationship problems affect others including our children who suffer when there is parental conflict in the house.

... Yes

• I no longer wish to be a victim in my relationship. I want to begin to reclaim my emotional well being and lead my family to a healthier place.

...Yes

• I understand that my role in the "cycle of conflict" is often explainable, even justifiable, but never productive. The same is true for my partners role.

... No, I don't understand my role.

• I understand that leadership change on my part requires strength, commitment, patience, self-awareness and I am committed to work on building these qualities in myself.

... I am in big trouble here.

• I understand that influencing change in my family dynamics is about providing love, validation, structure and motivation, and diffusing conflict, and I commit to fostering these practices in my family.

... Yes

• I will actively seek to understand BPD and also other cofactors, such as chemical dependency and other mental illness or personality disorder issues, with a spirit of radical acceptance and to support and lead my partner.  I understand that I have the capacity to support and lead my partner - but not to drive someone else's healing - that is the personal journey of my partner.  

... Yes

• I welcome straightforward questions and challenges from BPDFamily.com members, even when the question and challenge may be emotionally upsetting, because they are intended to help move me grow towards my relationship and personal goals.

... Yes

• I accept the responsibility of knowing when to let go of the relationship to protect my children and other vulnerable people.

... Yes

[argyle]

So, next...patience mostly.  We're both working on various issues.  MC and my therapist have mostly recommended growing a backbone for me, along spending some time understanding BPDw.  BPDw has really surprised me.  She's working very hard at DBT and I'm seeing real changes in behavior - she's even accepted the boundaries I've been setting.  Frankly, in the end, the influence of the changes she has already chosen to make will be greater than anything within my power. (You'll hopefully never read this - but - thanks wifety.) I'm perfectly aware that the path forwards will not be at all smooth or pleasant, but it does appear to be worth walking.

Mhmm. Anyways. Next goals...

1. Set expectations/alternate coping strategies for behavior.  (Highest priorities are BPDw sleep disturbances and low stress tolerance - expecting these to change anytime soon is unrealistic.  An inability to function in the morning means that toddler should not be left at home in the morning with BPDw... And low stress tolerance means that BPDw should not take care of child for extended periods anyways.)
2. More orderly home life...clean and hygenic.
3. Structured/scheduled family time
4. Practice asserting myself in a more timely fashion
5. Practice validating wife while maintaining boundaries.  (Last few tries went okay.  Not great...just okay.) 

--Argyle