Take the Pledge

[Think About It...]

My near next goal (current) is to continue to learn more and understand BPD.

When I first realized that my UBPDH could have BPD I checked out or got on the waiting list for the three books they had on it at the library and searched the internet (and found BPDfamily thankfully!). I am only just beginning to "know" BPD so I have a lot to learn and comprehend. The more information and facts I have the more understanding I can be (for him and me) and hopefully the more I can heal myself (and hopefully my part of the relationship). My husband is open to hearing about BPD but I'm really trying to focus on learning so that I can make healthier choices, if he chooses to learn more and go from there, I'll support him 100%, but I have no illusions or intentions of shoving him anywhere 

To that end, I just got my hands on Randi Kreger's ~The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells~ from the library and it has done more than all the other books I've read to help me feel that there is something I can do and change in me. For the last 18 +/- years in my marriage, when I first knew that things weren't healthy, I read every book on relationships and healing that I could, everything from John Bradshaw to Susan Forward, Leo Buscaglia and even child development experts. I tried to heal as many of my own childhood wounds thinking that they were the real cause of the problems (at least that helped me and certain aspects of our relationship). So yeah, I feel that learning as much as I can about BPD will help greatly. Which leads to...

Next goal: providing love, validation, structure, motivation and diffusing conflict. Even though I feel that currently I'm providing love, validation and positive motivation there is more to learn and more to see where times I think I'm being loving or validating that I'm not. I need to learn to see the picture from space instead of up close, hopefully that will help. The biggest challenge is diffusing conflict. There are waaaay too many times that I see myself saying things and acting in a way that I know is the opposite of what I'm trying to accomplish and even how I feel. I guess after living like this and not having the right tools I'm pretty defensive, raw and jumpy and I want that to stop. Particularly, I need to just shut up and listen and find a way that he knows that I am hearing him and listening to what he is saying. When he's not stressed out or in the middle of a meltdown he acknowledges that I do listen to him and understand him so I really would like to work on being there for him when he's melting down. I didn't take it personally when my children were toddlers, why do I do it with him    ? So definitely a goal there and I think the more I understand the better I can handle those moments.

[Kelebek]

My near next goal (current) is to continue to learn more and understand BPD.

When I first realized that my UBPDH could have BPD I checked out or got on the waiting list for the three books they had on it at the library and searched the internet (and found BPDfamily thankfully!). I am only just beginning to "know" BPD so I have a lot to learn and comprehend. The more information and facts I have the more understanding I can be (for him and me) and hopefully the more I can heal myself (and hopefully my part of the relationship). My husband is open to hearing about BPD but I'm really trying to focus on learning so that I can make healthier choices, if he chooses to learn more and go from there, I'll support him 100%, but I have no illusions or intentions of shoving him anywhere 

To that end, I just got my hands on Randi Kreger's ~The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells~ from the library and it has done more than all the other books I've read to help me feel that there is something I can do and change in me. For the last 18 +/- years in my marriage, when I first knew that things weren't healthy, I read every book on relationships and healing that I could, everything from John Bradshaw to Susan Forward, Leo Buscaglia and even child development experts. I tried to heal as many of my own childhood wounds thinking that they were the real cause of the problems (at least that helped me and certain aspects of our relationship). So yeah, I feel that learning as much as I can about BPD will help greatly. Which leads to...

Next goal: providing love, validation, structure, motivation and diffusing conflict. Even though I feel that currently I'm providing love, validation and positive motivation there is more to learn and more to see where times I think I'm being loving or validating that I'm not. I need to learn to see the picture from space instead of up close, hopefully that will help. The biggest challenge is diffusing conflict. There are waaaay too many times that I see myself saying things and acting in a way that I know is the opposite of what I'm trying to accomplish and even how I feel. I guess after living like this and not having the right tools I'm pretty defensive, raw and jumpy and I want that to stop. Particularly, I need to just shut up and listen and find a way that he knows that I am hearing him and listening to what he is saying. When he's not stressed out or in the middle of a meltdown he acknowledges that I do listen to him and understand him so I really would like to work on being there for him when he's melting down. I didn't take it personally when my children were toddlers, why do I do it with him    ? So definitely a goal there and I think the more I understand the better I can handle those moments.

[momtario]

My next near term goal is to get into therapy for myself, and sort out my part in "the dance"

[10venus10]

  What a wonderful pledge. I am finally paying attention to the only person I can change - me... I allowed myself to check off only what I am currently willing to work on. Blessings to all of you...

[itsaconspiracy]

My My goal is to continue to see my psychologist and sort out what is wrong with me while supporing my girlfriend and to have the patience to wait until she is ready to get help and understand her illness. Also for us to work towards having a more stable relationship.

[aubin]

My near term goal is to understand my role in the BPD relationship and how I've been feeding into the cycle of conflict. As much as my SO is willing to change, I know that I need to focus on myself and make my own changes. My first step towards that goal was starting therapy again -- just had my first session last week!

[How do I do This?]

My near term goal is: quicker returns to the practice of radical acceptance.

[qcarolr]

I took this pledge before, yet feel I have changed enough, and my situation improved enough to take it again. my SO is my daughter, DD25. My family includes my dh of 36 years, my gd6 that we have legal custody of and primary care since an infant, DD25 home again past 7 months after 2 years on the streets homeless - we kicked her out to "grow up", and a special male friend bfG that is an stabilizing influence in her life and therefore our lives.

My near term goal is to  find the path to remain calm and connected to each member of my family - become less emotinally reactive within myself. I am currently reading lots of parenting books to help accept my responsibility for my gd6 as the priority when there is a conflict with the needs of my BPDDD. This has been a major struggle over the past 6 years. I am getting support also from my personal T and a child T that gd and I see together plus private consulting as needed.

I have faced many in my life that disagree with our choice to allow DD back into our home as detrimental to gd. It is a mixed blessing to have her here. There are confrontations and rage episodes. Yet, gd is learning coping skills and resilience in this, with the help of T and changes in my focus on her needs. I have a concrete safety plan with lots of supportive neighbors available at a moments notice to take gd and I in. THis leaves dh there to manage the home situation. He has always been one to withdraw  and leave it all up to me. Letting go of managing DD and her life has also been a big part of this shift. Gd is no longer available as a tool for DD in getting what she wants. Planning ahead and being respectful in balancing what she wants with what fits the situation in the family dynamic is starting to get her needs met instead.

I am beginning to be able to breath again and find joyful things to occupy part of my life - a shift of focus from the overwhelming, ruminating obssession with DD and BPD.

qcr

[OBcean]

My next year goal is to cement this pledge into my brain, come to a decision once and for all, and move forward with it!  That is my goal.  And my pledge.  Thank you.

[alf1976]

I have taken the pledge and I am going to do the best I can.  I am completely new to all of this, so I still trying to find my way around the site.  But I am so glad this thing exists.  Finally, I have somewhere to go for support.  My immediate goals are to sped time each day educating myself about the illness and learning what I can do (even if my BPD husband decided to do nothing) to make a difference in our interactions. Being that I have previously tried every type of response I have ever learned or could think of including diffusion or simply not responding, I somehow find myself wrapped up in it.  Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and I look forward to both hearing all of the stories and advice and sharing mine with all of you.
Thanks
Amber

[tuum est61]

My near term goals are to

1.  Continue with creating an internal  "peaceful easy feeling" re my uBPDw.
2. Practice, practice, practice validation, detachment, and boundary setting.
3. Don't JADE; Do SET.  
4. Perfect the protection of my 3 daughters from bad splitting by my BPDw - primarily via application of 1, 2, and 3.
5.  Read the High Conflict Couple. 
6. Focus on my job and my staff during work hours. Make work a "FtF free" zone.  
7. Get more sleep, exercise, and do more things "just for me".



 

[hopeforchange]

next near term goals:

-work on validating BPDhubby and remembering that explanations/defending myself are viewed by him as invalidating attacks
-work on taking care of myself - spend "me" time on a regular basis rather than putting my life on hold for him and the chaos he creates

[onboard]

I checked them all and take the pledge.

[mike sergent]

i'll do anything.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Near term goals...

*continue loving and taking care of ME

*continue detaching in love

*continue to be myself, my true authentic (prior to BPD) self

*continue to recognize my role in the demise and working on my issues

[Triptoes]

My next short term goal is to further practice validating my husbands feelings while still holding true to my own values (i.e. not apologizing for my own feelings but at the same time accepting his feelings even if I don't see things his way).

Another one is to learn to walk away and be able to detach from him, with love — not with the resentment I have started to feel lately.

A change of heart combined with firmness and determination, that is.

Giving myself a good luck hug: 

[EverHopefulinFL]

My first short term goal is to stop the cycle of CHAOS that we have been living in for months on end by dedicating my full effort to mastering the skill of validation, regardless of how frustrated I will undoubtedly become and regardless of how cast aside I may feel internally. That is what we have each other for here on this site.

[tiffneymarie]

My short term goals are:
1. Learning about my role in our relationship.
2. Making sure I journal everyday.
3. Learning to set boundaries effectively and sticking to them.

[loving_aborderline]

My short-term goal is not to JADE. I think that is my biggest problem right now and I have a really hard time doing it because it is such an innate part of my personality. For some reason, in the moment of his dysregulation, I feel like if I don't JADE and get him to agree with me, then I don't feel like our relationship is healthy or that we are on equal footing, or that I don't take him seriously and therefore cannot respect him. I know this is counterproductive, but am having a hard time accepting it. I struggle a lot with when to use SET versus when to simply take a time-out. When to mirror, and when to simply set boundaries and, again, take a time-out. Also I think as an individual I am very sensitive to when I perceive myself as not being listened to, as someone not understanding me, etc. That is my own thing to work on. I also struggle with letting go of my feelings of hurt after a particularly painful episode. I struggle with feeling like he doesn't empathize with me, and that is very difficult because normally he is the person I go to for emotional support.
I guess this goal has to do with radical acceptance. I think I have a ways to go.

[Raychel]

I take the pledge and try to follow it to the best of my ability.

[OptimisticB]

My next goals are:
-To continue to educate myself
-To work on radical acceptance
-To remember to find "me" time. (Even if It is just sitting in the car 5 extra minutes to clear my head)
-To remember I am not alone.