worried about upcoming move

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Wow, things are changing fast - just three days ago, you two were going to get a new place together?  Or am I reading this wrong?

[Auspicious]

Wow, things are changing fast - just three days ago, you two were going to get a new place together?  Or am I reading this wrong?

[1bravegirl]

Quick update..  We have been making pretty big strides in our r/s and have been connecting thru-out this process with more feeling than since he moved in.

So at this point there is progress and much peace in our home..    to be continued.. 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[1bravegirl]

Sorry A,

I didn't see your comment..  I no huh?   things change so quickly here..  or at least they did.

I have been more stable in my health now and thinking more clearly and able to handle more stress and just the little ins and outs of a r/s period and it has made a big difference.

I now know that much of what we were experiencing was due to him feeling very overwhelmed with me being so sick and him having to do everything and me feeling so frustrated due to being so sick and not wanting to feel any negativaty at all in any way shape or form, that the two were a recipe for disaster! to put it mildy.

We've had some very good heart to heart discussions as to what we both want and expect from each other and this r/s at this point and I feel /we both feel we definitely turned one more corner that has been very positive in our ability to feel connected and open with each other and have more of a willingness to trust one another.

I see him making huge efforts to be more thoughtful and now I too am trying to do my part (now that i can get out of bed!) and make it easier from my end of things.. 

So we just had way too many hits against us from day one.   with everything that hit us from me working too much and getting sick and then the lyme disease..  and all that pressure from me not being able to handle anything additional besides just trying to get by from day to day..  and also the living conditions here being so cramped and all.

So we acknowledged all that and can see where this would of been hard on anyone let alone two struggling souls like us being reunited with our past..

So there is a new motivation here to make this work and a new or shall I say a reenforced level of commitment that we both can actually feel now that can and has made all the difference in the world.
I was having such a struggle with where I was at and If I could commit as I wanted to and he felt all that and it just played into things even moreso and his insecurities and my own fears and anxiety.

So it caused greater stress for both of us with me not making up my mind and heart to allow myself to be committed to making this work and not send him any other signal but that.

Its been too easy to say..  sorry.. you aren't doing this good enough or this isn't working due to ... whatever..  and then we are unstable again in our plans and our future..  and thats just not a healthy way to live or to be.

So I made my mind up with lots of research and prayer and talking to him to be more willing to allow ourselves the opportunity to be in the now and really try hard to not show the level of apprehension I had been showing and now we shall see if we can make this r/s work in a way that can be a benefit for both parties involved.

I know what he wants and I also know what I need to be in this r/s..  and I am not going to base my happiness on what he does or doesnt do.

but one things for sure..   if there is any verbal abuse or ongoing unresolved issues that start making things too hard to deal with, then I will address those at that time.

I am committed here but still have to take this situation one day at a time.. if that makes any sense.   I am willing but I also have wisdom to take care of myself in the process.    Preparation is key here..  and just trying to maintain my stand and myself as an individual first and foremost and then allowing room for growth and also both of us agreeing to go to counseling is also key.. and a few other activities that are making a difference thus far..

So we shall see Aus..  As you know, its not easy some days, and other days feel fine.  I just have to get off the teeter totter and be in the now and enjoy my health in the process!
thank goodness I can feel alive again.  what a difference this has made..

thanks for the input.  you'all take good care and enjoy the sun!

Love 1bg

[At_Bay]

1BG, thank you so much for the update. After a few days I began looking often at this thread to see if you'd been sick, forgot where I was and posted to two people in Staying by mistake. This may be mildly amusing to Skip who I told I didn't need to do the poll on the Staying board as I only post to you and don't consider myself staying. OK, it's been almost 40 yrs but uh somehow I'll find a loophole.

I'm so relieved you've been well and have had good communication with your h.

Thanks again. : )

[eeyore]

1BG thanks for the update.  I always wonder how things are going.  I'm glad you seem content today.  Dealing with the good and the bad.

[Annaleigh]

Hi BG, so glad you are feeling better and things are going well.    What is your plan if any verbal abuse starts up?

[blackandwhite]

Hi 1bg!

Glad you're feeling better also. I was catching up over here, and since I haven't read your thread in a bit, it struck me looking at it fresh that there might be some patterns in the story you're telling. Have you gone back into your threads and traced the ups and downs you've had, personally and with your DH? Things seem to be somewhat volatile, both to the good and the bad, and it can help to get to 30,000 feet and even map out the pattern (or something else if you're not a visual person).

If you look back over the last 6-12 months, what are the big picture patterns you see in the personal and relationship events?

B&W

[1bravegirl]

Hi guys,

Thank you all so much for your caring words.. and very good thought provoking questions.

I have been doing much thinking in that area myself and really have given that volitale pattern that we do seem to fall into some serious time and pondering over in my brain and have come up with some thoughts about it that somewhat explains the core issues and why at times we do tend to go right back to the attacking mode or the leaving mentality if its not working as I think it should be and him going into the silent stone walling mode and that making me feel even more crazy and wanting to think real hard about what i'm doing here.. and the cycle does have a perpetual spin on it ; huh?


So what I've come to realize is ... I am still feeding into the little behavioral triggers that I see and feeding the unreasonableness of his illness. not good.

I know from these past 2 months and even before that, that i've been in a very weakened state due to my illnesses and overexertion and its just complicated matters worse.

I have had some very good heart to heart discussions with H and he has been more open about his own anxiety triggers and why he reacts the way he does at times. This helps me a great deal just knowing what is making him tick and what is bothering him so I can understand what in the world is going on here. 

It hard if you think their just ignoring you for selfish reasons or they just don't really care enough to hear you out..  and that unleashes my own fear and inner turmoil about my decision to be committed and work on this marriage...   But when you understand how they are hurting inside and dealing with their own fears and frustrations about the situation and they explain that to you in ways that make such sense, it helps you to put the light back on yourself and see how much we have our own part in the problems at hand, and of course.. how we can make a difference by changing our own behavior and reactions to them in times of difficulty.

So much I want to share with you guys but its after 1am and with this illness I really need to sleep to keep my immunity built up so off to bed I go.. but I will be back asap to share the gems of my own road of inner understanding and insight into myself (once again..) 

Love you all and have a wonderful weekend!

Love 1bravegirl..    

ps  got some exciting news about a possible new job and also a different new house.    things are on the horizon that can at least give us positive goals to consider and stay committed to each other in the process.   It truly makes a huge difference to have that re-committed vow in the mix.

night night friends..  Hi!

[Salut]

I think what we are addressing on this website is very sensitive people dealing with very sensitive people.  How could it not get volatile! 

So we have to work on our own sensitivity as much as trying to understand theirs.  When I can actually step back for a breath of fresh air and perspective, I'm amazed out how entrenched and reactive my feelings get.  Doesn't mean I can magically change things, I can just see for a moment that I am probably over reactive with my H - that there is something other than my H and his lopsided logic driving my reaction.

[1bravegirl]

you said it sister..     I totally agree...  Hi Salut!  how ya doing?  Hey At_Bay.. sorry you had such a hard time posting..    Thats why I love you so..      
Hi Anna..  well if there is any abusiveness I'll have to deal with each alleged issue as it comes up.   I have felt there is more going on this time around than actually has been the case..   Not that its not wrong behavior, just that it isn't out of just being nasty or not wanting to at least try and work with me. 
there was NONE of that in our past life..    It was just, drop dead and like it..  basically..   so now that i can feel things more realistically and see my own funk in it and how much he has really put up with from me, hats off to him.     I have at times been a moody mess and very demanding and he has for the most part catered to me hand and foot.  so i'll give him that and the shoving at night the few times he has done that, will NEVER be ok, but in his mind he didn't do it very hard but NOW he understands no matter what he feels about it, I don't like it and will not allow it while i'm sleeping.   let me know other ways if i'm bothering you.

So we've discussed things like that and alternatives to the issue at hand and for the most part he is trying hard to 'get it' and that helps me feel more at ease.

If there ever comes a point where he is not wanting to work with me and just gets nasty again, well i'll have to cross that bridge when I get to it but I personally know i wont last long in any environment like that.   I already know that for a fact.     
Talk to you all soon..  still way burnt out from house hunting and interviewing and this and that and yard work and just stuff!  too much too soon after this bug I had.. time to slooooow down..    1bg

[At_Bay]

Thanks so much for the update.

I hope you are not anywhere near the pack of wild dogs I heard about in your state. Happy house hunting.

Love,
At Bay

 

[Annaleigh]

NOW he understands no matter what he feels about it, I don't like it and will not allow it while i'm sleeping.   let me know other ways if i'm bothering you.

Good, I'm glad y'all got that settled.    It seems like the pattern is that he doesn't want to discuss things and then a couple days later, he is willing to talk about things.  Is that how it seems to you, too? 

  Everything seems to be take it slow, for you and for me and H.

[1bravegirl]

slow is the way to go with our r/s's huh?..  Hi girls.   
Things are working pretty good I must say.   I decided to pull the reigns on the new job.. as much as I love Dermatology... its just not sensible with all that I have been doing lately.

And with us looking for a house for the doggies and more room for us to move around and have a little space, new job too sounds mad..

So why did I do it?  I was excited about the posting and took a chance and actually was offered the job..  unbelievable.

I didn't even expect that so soon.  I was just testing the waters.  but they wanted f/t and I offered p/t and they were ready to manuever schedules and whatnot.. but i left a message saying I need to wait until I make the move closer to that city..  50 minutes one way is just too much, even if it is 2 to 3 days a week..

I have my job here even if it is very boring most days..maybe boring is good now..
I really didn't anticipate it going that far but now I know..  be careful what you wish for..

H and I had a nice weekend and he and I were able to go to our Christain meeting together and now he's making a nice mexican dinner for sis and I, she'll be here soon.

So all and all I really do feel we have actually 'turned' a corner and it has more meaning than the last few..

to be continued.   no wolves here..    thank goodness. except the one in my house!   oh speaking of which.. took them hiking today and we all fell in the river!   it was so funny..  and it was flowing fast too! funny after I pulled myself out..    Here we go again.. Summer is here! yay~    you all take good care.. love ya 1bg

[eeyore]

sounds good. I hope things keep going along for you. 

[Annaleigh]

Mexican dinner!  Hi!  I really like mexican food.  What did he make?

It feels good to be wanted when offered a job, I think that is really strong to not want to 'please' and to realize that it isn't a good fit right now.  That's healthy and taking care of yourself.  How is your sister doing?

[1bravegirl]

Thanks eeyore,

I posted on your thread..  but it was moved at the same time.. so hope you got it.  I was saddened to read about your situation.  Stay strong friend..  As I know you will...  

Yes Anna, I love it too!  Well, first he made this killer salad with a twist..  He got the recipe off of Rick Bayless, Mexico one plate at a time.. He loves him..
It was spring mix with chorizo on top cooked with caramelized onions and some other spices..  and small chunks of Yakima..  OMG>> so good!

Then he made Carnitas and refried beans..   also all the side dishes, avacado, lime, cilantro, sour cream, and home made chile..  Boy did he throw down! And home made chips too!   And then the worst thing happened..  My sister didn't make it!  BUmmer huh?  She got tied up a city away and when she got home she had a horrible headache..  I could tell she felt really bad and still wanted to try and come, but I said.. take care of you..  we can make it up.

I could also tell my H felt kinda bad too.. but he knows what its like to feel bad..  once he cancelled on her last minute not too long ago..  so thats that.  We sure enjoyed it though..    And I bought fresh blueberries and vanilla icecream for dessert..  enjoyed that too!   

poor sissy.. she really missed out tonight!  but I invited her over tomorrow for left overs.. so its all good..  stuff happens..

tonight is so beautiful.. weather wise..  energy wise..  environment wise..   i'm tired but its a good tired.    there is a calming feeling in the air and it is welcomed with both arms and legs..

So tomorrow I will check out a few homes for rent and just take my time.. 

Thanks Anna for the encouragement on taking my time with job changing as well.  It was nice to feel like I was appreciated for my skills but I know from past experience how much that has made us backslide.. trying to do to much when we have enough here to still balance out.

So one thing at a time and less is certainly more at this point.

I have learned much during these past few months and most of all, keeping my focus in tact and not taking on more than I can handle and also having a feeling of being committed to the r/s.  As hard as that can be once you have been thru the fire and then reunite, its imperative that it is there for growth.  Hard to find the balance or the trust to have that commitment made over in your mind, but once you can get there, you can start to see things really change and feel a sense of security about the r/s that hasn't been there before.   Certainly not during the abusive years.. and not during the crazy off and on madness, but after this long period of being apart and seeing the level of change that has been enough to make a difference, couple that with that heartfelt committed stage and you can give yourself room for growth and for error and for whatever else you need in between.

It has been a nice change that made us both feel more at ease in our skin and in our decision to be together.    Without mutual trust how could we really connect or feel we had much to go on.  I sure couldn't plan much in the state of mind I was in.   And basing how he felt on his behavior, he was just as much of a mess as I was.   now with him waking me up today to get to our Christian gathering and being next to me in a place in my life that has been the main area of strength for me to be sustained thru all of this, it means so much.. 
I pray to God he will keep putting forth the effort to be a good man and work thru his fears..  if he slows down in this area i'll keep on keepin on and not allow his decisions to have any bearing on what I know I need to do in order to keep myself together and stable. 

I know that no matter what is going on here, what really matters is whats going on inside of me.   If I feel good about the decisions i'm making personally and finding fulfillment in my life by doing things important to me and reaching out to accomplish my own goals, i'll still be ok in this r/s.

That really is key as we all know.. keeping the focus on ourselves and the things we can change, and also helping them feel the love and support along the way.  I had been sending some pretty warped and mixed messages for a while now and I just was confused about many things..   couldn't be sound in my thinking if I was all messed up inside right?

So now that enough time has went by and I can see how flip floppy I have been and how much I fed into this cycle of conflict, I also see how I can change it and make it much more workable.. thank goodness for others who have been there done that, before us and share there wisdom..   and a willing and humble heart ready to listen and see myself for how I honestly have been..  Not a very nice person at times.    I guess its par for the course but its not ok.   I don't like being mean or rude to him if he does something and im in a bad mood or whatever.   
I have had a feeling of entitlement myself and its made it difficult to progress.

I guess just feeling that he was the abuser for so long and now he has the making up to do and i think i may have been holding him under my own microscope and not allowing ANY room for error or mistakes if it meant me feeling the least bit uncomfortable..    Why should I! I have been so hurt for so many years..      Anyway.. I know its not right but it seemed to just feel appropriate after what i'd been thru..

Now I see things more maturely and am ready to be more fair in this arena and hope I can hold onto this insight.  cuz the entitlement can creep back up easily if not careful.

well thats what i've learned in these past few months..  Can you guys relate to this at all?

love 1bg

[Annaleigh]

I had to do look up carnitas, that's a new one.  THAT LOOKS SO GOOD!  Maybe y'all should open a little eatery. 

Is H open to counselling?  I know you are making massive strides in your healing, so cool. 

[1bravegirl]

Hey Anna,

Well the last time we had a big blowout was about 2 weeks ago and at that time I said he 'has' to get into some form of personal growth, counseling and possibly bible study and apply himself to the things he said he would! right?  so basically to get a life and show some interest for growth here.

He agreed to go to MC with me and has been active in our Christain activity since then so..  with me just now getting well from Lyme disease and still feeling very fatigued and not real good yet, I am very grateful for the changes and effort thus far and will work on finding a good T in our area asap.   The spiritual growth always helps him be more cognizant of his mental health and level of respect..  so thats always a plus in our home life..     how are you?      thanks for your love as always..

H is cooking away boy.. but if he did it for work it would lose its enjoyment.  Its his hobby.  He loves it.  I can't wait to find a home with a nice kitchen for him to work in.  And a yard for our Dogs! Man this is getting hard..  looking at a few today after work.

hope you are doing well.    love 1bg

[Annaleigh]

I do feel so much more at peace when I make it to church and bible study, just being around God's people is so comforting.  It is good for my state of mind and I know what you mean when your H gets involved with those sorts of things. 

I believe Jesus is the picture of perfection in being mentally healthy.  Not codependent, at all, not narcissistic, at all.  Healthy assertiveness.  Caring.  Self denying.  Not a bad role model! 

Are you journaling?  I wonder if you can track the patterns of when things are going good and when they get wonky, and then see any patterns or indications they are starting to go off track.  If we can address things at the early stages before they get really offtrack is ideal.

[1bravegirl]

Hi A,

I totally agree. Jesus was a real man! and now he is our King. So yes, we can really look to him for the perfect example!   

I am trying to journal since it really does help so much to follow the patterns of conflict and how they are created..  and I have found out recently that much of what I experience is due to my own sensitivity and PTSD and letting things get the best of me..   I cannot allow anything to allow me to lose my authentic self and be someone i'm not.  Mean and angry or snapping at him cuz i'm, feeling the past pain.   

When we are not connected I feel it and it makes me feel very off.  NOt a codependent thing but more of a 'i lost myself in his pain or shame and my fear' thing.. and I have to have more control in these sensitive areas to get thru this.. so i'm working on it..  ttyl.. love 1bg