Dearly beloved

[Depression = 72% of members]

Dearly beloved,

We are gathered here today to celebrate and grieve and heal from the person I love(d). His name is... .well, beloved, because thats what he was. He was the first person I cared about enough to see for a second date in a long time. In fact our first date lasted from early afternoon until the next day. We literally talked all night. We laughed and talked and reveled in the simple pleasure of great company. We renewed one another's faith in love and humanity. You were for me a breath of fresh air.

As the days and weeks and months passed I was amazed at the blessings you brought to my life. You were honest and sincere. You were intelligent and empathetic. You were intuitive and kind. I loved you and loved loving you. I loved hearing your voice and seeing the crinkles by your eyes as you smiled. I loved baking cookies for you to take to work. I loved listening to what you had done that day. I loved telling you what I learned in class. I loved asking you to proof read my papers. You are indeed a word smith my love. I revealed in the things you knew, the skills you had, the wisdom you shared. You were always so positive. Mr. Positive we called you. No matter how dark my day you knew how to turn it around. Yet when I was having a great day you were right there to celebrate too.

When disaster struck you were the first one on the scene. I couldn't have survived the tragedy of my mom's accident and recovery without you. I will never be able to thank you enough for that my love. You saved mom and me over and over. Thank you. You gave me those years with her and I will always cherish them.

You were my biggest cheerleader. You rallied when the Ochem monster almost ate me alive. You told me it didn't matter if I failed at my program we would just find another way. You gave me the courage to continue and win. I graduated with distinction. I did it I know it was my accomplishment but I will never forget your support.

We had such adventures. We walk on rivers of ice, and along fairy inhabited walkways in the the rain forest, along wind swept beaches and between the stars. We soaked in hot springs and sipped wine by the sea. We walked in the rain and held hands on the ice as we fell laughing. We flew kites and sat in classes and ate eggs bennie in some of the most stunning views on earth.

We endured great sorrows. We lost loved ones and saw dreams shattered. We faced health crises and emotional meltdowns and family battles. We survived distance and financial struggles and court battles and so much more. And at the end of each day we were there together. You were mine and I was yours. I was always yours. There was never anyone else. Not for me. You were all I ever wanted. I would have gone to the end with you. How fine you were to me my love.

We sang in the truck on long country drives. We searched for homes to build  our family in. We studied for exams together. We discussed science and politics and everything under the sun. We celebrated our successes and regrouped after our defeats. We were a team to be reckoned with. We were us.

We cooked family dinners and made homemade soups. We baked pitas and made taziki. We sat by the fire in all kinds of wether. We made home made christmas gifts and baked amazing cookies. I loved tucking little surprises in your lunches. I loved you bouncing in the door to say "hello wife I'm home I'm your husband you know." I miss you crawling into bed to ask shoulder or spoon my love. I miss you stealing all the covers. Before you deny it I have pictures of you under all the covers my love. Remember the morning I woke up under a towel because you wouldn't share the quilt? I miss you soaking in the tub while I studied. I miss walking on campus with you. I miss falling asleep in front of the fire curled up in your arms. I miss you.

Then the switch flipped. Everything changed. Everything went sideways. I saw you suffering, sliding, slipping , drowning. I tried to reach you. I couldn't. I could only stand there helpless and afraid while I saw you slip away.

The kids ask about you. I don't know what to tell them. You are the only one who can soothe M. They wanted to scrub with sponges with you last summer. You have created monsters on that point. I shall have colourful patios forever I suspect. Mom prays for you. I send you thoughts of love and peace daily. Today I toasted you and wished you peace and love twice. Because today is a year love.

Today is a year since you totally lost your mind. Today is a year to the day  day since you raged so violently that I didn't recognize you. Today is a year to the day you called me such vile things that I couldn't believe it was even you. Today is a year to the day you told me to never contact you again and took another woman away for the weekend. Today one year ago today is the last day I held out hope. So today, this day, I have to let you go. I thought I would curl up and die today. I was dreading this day. Two days ago I couldn't quit crying. But today I ended up having my work day cancel unexpectedly. I was adrift on the hardest of days. The day I was dreading. But the universe provided.

I went with A for a country drive. I saw a foal and a pony and a coyote and new spring leaves. We looked at acreages for sale. We got impromtu pedicures and massages. We picked up little J and went for dinner. I had mussels and toasted your happiness. Then we watched J's baseball game. You haven't lived until you have watched  5 year olds play baseball. I have never laughed so hard. Then I came home singing our favourite songs at the top of my lungs in the truck. Then I opened our favourite wine and toasted your happiness again with D. So the day turned out wonderful.

Because you see beloved I am alive. I am healing. I am surviving and even in some small ways thriving. I will go on. I will miss you. I will love you always but I will go on. I knew today I would delete all our photos. All our memories. I would give up that last shred of hope for us. But i will never ever regret you. I will always love you. I will always remember you.

Please find peace. Please get help. Please get better. Please forgive me my shortcomings. Please know I did the best I could. Please know my dearest beloved that (to quote you) "you are so loved my dear". Have a great life.

[hope2727]

Dearly beloved,

We are gathered here today to celebrate and grieve and heal from the person I love(d). His name is... .well, beloved, because thats what he was. He was the first person I cared about enough to see for a second date in a long time. In fact our first date lasted from early afternoon until the next day. We literally talked all night. We laughed and talked and reveled in the simple pleasure of great company. We renewed one another's faith in love and humanity. You were for me a breath of fresh air.

As the days and weeks and months passed I was amazed at the blessings you brought to my life. You were honest and sincere. You were intelligent and empathetic. You were intuitive and kind. I loved you and loved loving you. I loved hearing your voice and seeing the crinkles by your eyes as you smiled. I loved baking cookies for you to take to work. I loved listening to what you had done that day. I loved telling you what I learned in class. I loved asking you to proof read my papers. You are indeed a word smith my love. I revealed in the things you knew, the skills you had, the wisdom you shared. You were always so positive. Mr. Positive we called you. No matter how dark my day you knew how to turn it around. Yet when I was having a great day you were right there to celebrate too.

When disaster struck you were the first one on the scene. I couldn't have survived the tragedy of my mom's accident and recovery without you. I will never be able to thank you enough for that my love. You saved mom and me over and over. Thank you. You gave me those years with her and I will always cherish them.

You were my biggest cheerleader. You rallied when the Ochem monster almost ate me alive. You told me it didn't matter if I failed at my program we would just find another way. You gave me the courage to continue and win. I graduated with distinction. I did it I know it was my accomplishment but I will never forget your support.

We had such adventures. We walk on rivers of ice, and along fairy inhabited walkways in the the rain forest, along wind swept beaches and between the stars. We soaked in hot springs and sipped wine by the sea. We walked in the rain and held hands on the ice as we fell laughing. We flew kites and sat in classes and ate eggs bennie in some of the most stunning views on earth.

We endured great sorrows. We lost loved ones and saw dreams shattered. We faced health crises and emotional meltdowns and family battles. We survived distance and financial struggles and court battles and so much more. And at the end of each day we were there together. You were mine and I was yours. I was always yours. There was never anyone else. Not for me. You were all I ever wanted. I would have gone to the end with you. How fine you were to me my love.

We sang in the truck on long country drives. We searched for homes to build  our family in. We studied for exams together. We discussed science and politics and everything under the sun. We celebrated our successes and regrouped after our defeats. We were a team to be reckoned with. We were us.

We cooked family dinners and made homemade soups. We baked pitas and made taziki. We sat by the fire in all kinds of wether. We made home made christmas gifts and baked amazing cookies. I loved tucking little surprises in your lunches. I loved you bouncing in the door to say "hello wife I'm home I'm your husband you know." I miss you crawling into bed to ask shoulder or spoon my love. I miss you stealing all the covers. Before you deny it I have pictures of you under all the covers my love. Remember the morning I woke up under a towel because you wouldn't share the quilt? I miss you soaking in the tub while I studied. I miss walking on campus with you. I miss falling asleep in front of the fire curled up in your arms. I miss you.

Then the switch flipped. Everything changed. Everything went sideways. I saw you suffering, sliding, slipping , drowning. I tried to reach you. I couldn't. I could only stand there helpless and afraid while I saw you slip away.

The kids ask about you. I don't know what to tell them. You are the only one who can soothe M. They wanted to scrub with sponges with you last summer. You have created monsters on that point. I shall have colourful patios forever I suspect. Mom prays for you. I send you thoughts of love and peace daily. Today I toasted you and wished you peace and love twice. Because today is a year love.

Today is a year since you totally lost your mind. Today is a year to the day  day since you raged so violently that I didn't recognize you. Today is a year to the day you called me such vile things that I couldn't believe it was even you. Today is a year to the day you told me to never contact you again and took another woman away for the weekend. Today one year ago today is the last day I held out hope. So today, this day, I have to let you go. I thought I would curl up and die today. I was dreading this day. Two days ago I couldn't quit crying. But today I ended up having my work day cancel unexpectedly. I was adrift on the hardest of days. The day I was dreading. But the universe provided.

I went with A for a country drive. I saw a foal and a pony and a coyote and new spring leaves. We looked at acreages for sale. We got impromtu pedicures and massages. We picked up little J and went for dinner. I had mussels and toasted your happiness. Then we watched J's baseball game. You haven't lived until you have watched  5 year olds play baseball. I have never laughed so hard. Then I came home singing our favourite songs at the top of my lungs in the truck. Then I opened our favourite wine and toasted your happiness again with D. So the day turned out wonderful.

Because you see beloved I am alive. I am healing. I am surviving and even in some small ways thriving. I will go on. I will miss you. I will love you always but I will go on. I knew today I would delete all our photos. All our memories. I would give up that last shred of hope for us. But i will never ever regret you. I will always love you. I will always remember you.

Please find peace. Please get help. Please get better. Please forgive me my shortcomings. Please know I did the best I could. Please know my dearest beloved that (to quote you) "you are so loved my dear". Have a great life.

[Reforming]

Hi Hope

What a lovely post.

In the aftermath of a relationship with someone struggling with a disorder it can be so hard to come to terms with the light and darkness.

You seem to have found a way to gracefully accept the good and the bad and move forward, which is very admirable.

Reforming

[Lifewriter16]

Wow! That is such a powerful post, hope2727. It brings tears to my eyes.

I'm sending you some more love to fill your compassionate and loving heart to overflowing.

Lifewriter

[valet]

Glad that you had the courage to post this here, hope.

I've been having a rough go today too, but I think it's just cause I didn't drink any coffee!

[DyingLove]

I started reading as well.  Had to stop and just safely  "skim" thru the content.  I thought I wasn't going to cry today.  Well all bets are off.  I think if I could write something like that, rather, could I gather all the good and document it.  Yes I could.  I could take the first day we spent together and elaborate every perfect moment and create a volume that would be stained with my own tears from beginning to end.  Why do I want to continue torturing myself though.  I wouldn't be writing it for myself, and who could I share it with. Better yet, could I share it with "her"?  That makes me sadder.

Beautiful hope2727, beautiful.  You are an inspiration.

[Achaya]

Hope, I certainly identify and empathize with how you feel. I'm so sorry this happened to you. And glad you are able finally to ease the door closed. It is such a tragedy. It is a beautifully written, moving post, and gives voice to my loss as well as yours.

[PaintedBlack28]

What a beautiful letter. I should have someone feel this for me some day. I was destroyed and I am still picking the pieces of myself up. I hope time will do it's thing and I will be stitched back together. I really envy this person for having someone like Hope to feel this for him. a

Reading your posts always makes me remember how lost and lonely I am.

Keep it up Hope! You are healing. I'm happy for you.

[seh77]

Hope, What an absolutely beautiful letter.  I am at my 6 month mark today and your letter has really helped me.  I hope you have a wonderful Mother's day Weekend. 

Thank you for such a beautiful thing today!

[Trog]

What a heart you have, that you are able to be so open hearted in the face of pain and how you deserve to be loved.

[leftconfused]

What a beautifully written letter.  Made me cry.  There is so much healing in writing and I really should start doing that myself.  Congrats to you for letting go and moving on.  It is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.  Take care!

[hope2727]

KEITH ANDERSON LYRICS

      

"I Still Miss You" 

I've changed the presets to my truck,

So those old songs don't sneak up.

But they still find me

And remind me

Yeah you come back that easy.

I've tries restaurants I've never been to

Ordered new things off the menu

That i never tried

'Cause you didn't like,

but two drinks in and you're by my side

I've talked to friends

Talked to myself

Talked to god

I prayed like hell

But i still miss you

I tried sober I tried drinkin'

I've been strong and I've been weak

But I still miss you.

I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to

I'd give anything for one more minute with you

I still miss you

I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone

How many pages you were on

It never ends I keep turning

And line after line and you are there again

I don't know how to let you go

You are so deep down in my soul

I feel helpless so hopeless

Its a door that never closes

No I don't know how to do this


I've talked to friends

I've talked to myself

I've talked to God

I prayed liked hell but I still miss you

I tried sober I tried drinking

I've been strong and I've been weak

And I still miss you

I've done everything

Move on like I'm supposed to

I'd give anything for one more minute with you

I still miss you yeah

I still miss you

I still miss you... .yeah... .yeah... .

:'(

[hope2727]

Sorry folks I just needed to get this out tonight where I wouldn't be judged. The truth is what it is. I love him. I miss him. I am rebuilding without him. I am ok. But damn I really did and do love him. I went into it in all sincerity. I meant what I said and did. I hate that I lost the man I thought he was. I miss who I fell in love with. That person isn't the whole person but it is a part of him and I still grieve that loss. Thanks for listening. Hugs all.

[Mutt]

Hi hope2727,

That was very well said.

Thank you for your courage and sharing a beautifully written letter with all of us.

[SGraham]

I had to stop reading one paragraph in to leave the room because i could feel the tears coming.

[hope2727]

Its just so darn hard. I rebuild and retool so to speak. I work on myself and struggle to find joy. And yet I wake up sobbing and wishing for him.

Time does not heal all wounds. It scars them over so you learn to live with them.

But on cold nights, when the wind whistles around the house, or the rain beats down, those scars throb and ache. They keep us awake and haunt our dreams.

I am so grateful for people here who understand. Sometimes despite all the hard work I just want to collapse into a heap of sobbing nothingness and drown in the pool of snot and tears so to speak.

[Mutt]

Its just so darn hard. I rebuild and retool so to speak. I work on myself and struggle to find joy. And yet I wake up sobbing and wishing for him.

Time does not heal all wounds. It scars them over so you learn to live with them.

But on cold nights, when the wind whistles around the house, or the rain beats down, those scars throb and ache. They keep us awake and haunt our dreams.

I am so grateful for people here who understand. Sometimes despite all the hard work I just want to collapse into a heap of sobbing nothingness and drown in the pool of snot and tears so to speak.

I can relate with how difficult some days can be when we struggle through grieving losses  I read this psalm on these boards and I found that the words helped me with knowing that the difficult days I faced will get better. You may find these words of wisdom may help.

Tao Te Ching - Lao Tzu - chapter 22

Yield and overcome;

Bend and be straight;

Empty and be full;

Wear out and be new;

[hope2727]

Two years today my love. I still think of you daily. I still miss you. I still love you. I am well, happy even. But I still miss you. I can't just unlove you. You are so loved my dear. Goodbye.  :'(

[Herodias]

Hope, you made me cry... .I'm trying not to remember the good times. It's so hard- I know where your heart is- mine too. It's maddning. Beautiful post. xxoo

[Stripey77]

My heart goes out to you.  I think all of us here can agree, the love we experienced was the stuff of fairytales... .until it very suddenly wasn't anymore. Even though the details and time frames are different, the pattern of the story for all of us is much the same. You have brilliantly summarised the complete joy of the 'happiness bubble' we all had to begin with, and of course, conversely, the fall out that followed.  I have tried to describe that feeling to others, it's like nothing I've ever felt before - an almost golden glow, so palpable you could almost touch it.  Each and every one of us on here, I am sure, understands the subsequent devastation you describe, and I think the most pertinent phrase of all  "I didn't recognise you". We are all grieving for the loss of the person we knew, as their masks slipped off and they metamorphosed into someone else. All I can say is, we really do feel your pain, and well done for reaching this landmark date.  

Thank you for so eloquently illustrating that it is both acceptable and understandable for us to still love the person who meant the world to us, even if they so violently and abruptly left our lives and we understand that they are gone. Few outside of these relationships would understand this, but you have described that love and acceptance perfectly.

We all have to remember that their lives, and their pain, is cyclical. Ours are linear, and so for us, there is an end in sight to the pain as we move both onwards, and eventually, upwards.

[hope2727]

Well darling it has been 3 years today. I am lying in bed crying missing you after all this time. I have counselled, prayed, dated, stopped dating, run, played music, laughed , lived even loved but I still miss you.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing I love you. That never changes. Know no one understands and people think there is something wrong with me for feeling this way but they are wrong. Love is pure and kind and precious. I love you and that is important.

I love you no less today that I ever did. This does not change anything between us. We are not together. I will not reach out. But I do love you now and always.

You are so loved my dear. Have a great day.

[vortex of confusion]

   

[Herodias]

So sad... .I feel your pain. It is such a lonely place that we live inside our minds. People don't understand that it is like a death to us. I think we have to start looking at it that way I suppose... .