Why do they constantly break no contact?

[Think About It...]

Every time my ex uBPDgf breaks NC it seems to derail me slightly from the recovery process. Even though I have insisted that we need to not speak or see each other she persists in sending emails and texts. The majority just say "Hey how are you doing?", "Hope you are ok & I am thinking of you." Am currently at a festival she is also at and she just sent a text saying "Hey how's your weekend going? You having fun?". I was until I got that text!

Why do they have to play such games? Is it just to make themselves feel better? I am dreading bumping into her... no other break up in my life has been this hard.

[TenYearsGone]

Every time my ex uBPDgf breaks NC it seems to derail me slightly from the recovery process. Even though I have insisted that we need to not speak or see each other she persists in sending emails and texts. The majority just say "Hey how are you doing?", "Hope you are ok & I am thinking of you." Am currently at a festival she is also at and she just sent a text saying "Hey how's your weekend going? You having fun?". I was until I got that text!

Why do they have to play such games? Is it just to make themselves feel better? I am dreading bumping into her... no other break up in my life has been this hard.

[Huh?]

Shes just trying to make herself feel better, or keep power over you.  Id just wouldnt respond, eventually she will get the memo.  I dont know.  They ALL dont break NC though.  Mine is the "cut off" BPD type...I dont know what is worse...being totally cut off w/ no communication at all, or having to deal with what you are going through?  

I guess as much as it sucks being left w/ nothing at all, and as (strangly) envious I am of all the others on this board that still hear from thier ex, I guess I am fortunate that my ex has completely cut me out of her life.  Heal faster I guess.  

[truly amazed]

Hi ten years,

Why do they have to play such games? Is it just to make themselves feel better? I am dreading bumping into her... no other break up in my life has been this hard.
 

I have no idea. Actaully maintianed contact 2 months post breakup ... thinking we were working towards a common goal. had not hear of BPD then ... and had no idea of the truth. Truth delivered via her closest and it was a cruel game ...

Go NC  ... lasted 16 days ... 3 contacts via her and I repsonded ... then read the riot act ... 36 days NC ...

Every string pulled kids used first time ... in a lot of trouble second.
Only to be dropped on my head again painted white then totally black after 4 days.

For me ... with mine ... or EX ... she just moved in with new BF after 11 weeks ...

No contact.

Every time I have had it ... its set me back weeks in my recovery and last one ... was awful.

Good luck ... its just cruel all of it some little perverted game. She wanted to hear my voice ... know I cared but play into love triangle only to get what she wanted.

NO CONTACT for me.

 

[EdieM]

I think they either have no idea of the pain they cause, or they want to keep control over you.

Have you thought of blocking her emails and changing your phone number?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[ItsAboutTime]

You need to remember one thing.  'NC' is OURS not theirs. It is our choice to remain free of any contact with them in any way. They have no commitment to NC. It's us, our resolve, our strength that's put to the test. There's no pact between us, the responsibility of NC is on our hands alone.

Saying all that, it's clear what you will need to do regarding her emails, her calls, and her attempts at contacting you by not responding in any way. She'll eventually stop trying and get the clear message you're sending her, 'it's over'.  At that point she'll move on to find a new host-victim for her sickness.

[OTH]

Why do they constantly break no contact?

Because we do not erase the path that leads to us. They are children. We gave them positive validation at some point and they are going back to the well to see if there is still water. For us...it gives us a bit of an ego boost. Hey...she still thinks about me. She must "love me" still. Don't I feel special.
Change your phone number. Change your email. Erase the path to you and she will find another source of validation and move on. You have to be the adult here. NC is about you. You putting distance in the relationship to break the emotional attachment.

[TenYearsGone]

Thanks for your responses It'sAboutTime, truely amazed, Huh?, OTH and EdieM. I really appreciate your advise.

I sent a response saying to forget about me and concentrate on her own weekend. About an hour later my battery died but when I charged it the next day she had sent a few more saying "Hope you are enjoying yourself", "I am thinking of you", "I'm sorry", "Sorry for interrupting your weekend. I will leave you alone now."

Deep down I know she is just doing it to make herself feel better. It's such a pain though because it affects me and makes me think of the nice caring side to her personality - not the nasty side who cheated on me and abused me...

[m772001]

They are Mentaly Ill...their brains don't function like a "non's"...would you be asking yourself why someone who sufers from schizophrenia is acting differently than most people? Probably not...If your serious about NC Change emails, phone numbers etc...if not then learn how to deal with it. It's easy to think "Oh look at her she is still contacting me, she must still care". That's a rational perspective for a normal relationship, that doesn't apply here...It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her, it always has.

[GlennT]

It strange how similiar their reestablishment messages are that I've read here: Just thinking about you..I miss you.. can we talk..merry christmas..happy birthday...lets be friends..i still love you etc.

[rstolk]

I need some advice. I believe I'm being emotionally blackmailed. I had no contact for 4 weeks, and my BPDw shows up at my door. She said she wanted to iron things out about the marriage. I was calm as a cucumber, and I can tell she didn't like that. She was also pissed that I called CPS on her because she mentally abuses her daughter. She Is trying to say that I did it to get back at her (not true), and I have to get rid of the evil inside of me. I kept my grounds and she got mad and left. She didn't get very far before she called me on her blackberry. I guess she didn't get what she came for at my house. She became paranoid at her house when she got home because she had an ant problem, so I offered to exterminate the house for her, and get more info of what she might be planning to do. Well, we talked and she told me she got a lawyer and papers for divorce filled out , but that she wasn't going to file them because she wants to give it one more shot, but I think she is liying. She spent $2,200.00 for the papers. She also told me that we should go to couples therapy which she didn't want to go when I asked her to go back in August when I told her to leave. I'm confused, and I think she has ulterior motives. She knows I can't get a lawyer because I just spent $2,400.00 on a bankruptcy lawyer that she helped me get into. I think she is stalling the divorce because she wants to stay on my health insurance so she can get her 200 vicodin/mo. I'm paying for that at $558.00/mo. I can't get her off until I can show proof of divorce. I think she is playing me for a fool. Any suggestions I would surely appreciate it?

Bob

[seeking balance]

Every time my ex uBPDgf breaks NC it seems to derail me slightly from the recovery process. Even though I have insisted that we need to not speak or see each other she persists in sending emails and texts. The majority just say "Hey how are you doing?", "Hope you are ok & I am thinking of you." Am currently at a festival she is also at and she just sent a text saying "Hey how's your weekend going? You having fun?". I was until I got that text!

Why do they have to play such games? Is it just to make themselves feel better? I am dreading bumping into her... no other break up in my life has been this hard.

yes, they feel better by doing it. 
Many people here have blocked emails & text numbers to avoid that feeling you describe.
I too get derailed with any contact; it is somewhat of a ptsd response by us.  What helps me, is to go to the facts of the disorder, identify what I am feeling then let it go.

BPD is a mental illness - this isnt a game she is playing with you, this is one of her tools she uses in her dysfunctional toolbelt to self-soothe.  She doesnt think of the consequence to you - did she think of the consequence to you by her actions when you were together at the end?

Hang in there - what things do you do to rebalance yourself?

[rstolk]

Thank you "seeking balance". I appreciate your reply. She is playing the acting so well. She acts normal by saying she loves me, but she can't control the impulses to jab me with the I had to pay a lot of money for the papers, I told her to leave and called CPS, and I caused her to get the divorce papers in order to be safe from me. She also said that it was going to take a long time to gain her trust for me, but she is willing to start over. If I don't play her game I might get caught up in a divorce I can't afford right now. I don't know what to do. If I can stall her I can save up the money for the divorce in order to protect myself. I think she is mentioning couples therapy and not filing to show the court that she did everything possible to save the marriage to make herself look good.

Bob

[TenYearsGone]

Hi Seeking Balance. Yes it is painful, primarily because there is a rush of confusing and mixed emotions. It has only been two months since we split up (although it was over an extended three week period of conflicting actions and statements on her part) but I try to re-read the posts I have have published on this site and my own personal healing diary. I have great friends and family who I am very open with as well which helps clarify things in my mind. I guess there is frustration at my own weakness for letting her influence my feelings so easily - I have never been like this ever before. A year before I met her I was in hospital seriously ill and was unable to walk for 2 months, but came through that experience feeling like a new, stronger person. I hate the fact that she has managed to break that down... It makes me angry and want to fight it and everything she has done to me.

[seeking balance]

Hi Seeking Balance. Yes it is painful, primarily because there is a rush of confusing and mixed emotions. It has only been two months since we split up (although it was over an extended three week period of conflicting actions and statements on her part) but I try to re-read the posts I have have published on this site and my own personal healing diary. I have great friends and family who I am very open with as well which helps clarify things in my mind.

This is all very normal what you feel and your way of handling it – very good.  Sometimes we just have to be patient, keep doing the things we “know” will work eventually and go through it.  I also found article 9 very helpful when I started to feel confused or doubting myself.

http://www.BPDfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm

I guess there is frustration at my own weakness for letting her influence my feelings so easily - I have never been like this ever before.
A year before I met her I was in hospital seriously ill and was unable to walk for 2 months, but came through that experience feeling like a new, stronger person. I hate the fact that she has managed to break that down... It makes me angry and want to fight it and everything she has done to me.

Article 9 talks about 10 myths that keep us stuck – one of them is we see them as the key to our happiness.  Is it possible, that with the trauma you experienced – having that idealized phase after such a low gave you a high – a much needed high after what you had been through? 

[seeking balance]

Thank you "seeking balance". I appreciate your reply. She is playing the acting so well. She acts normal by saying she loves me, but she can't control the impulses to jab me with the I had to pay a lot of money for the papers, I told her to leave and called CPS, and I caused her to get the divorce papers in order to be safe from me. She also said that it was going to take a long time to gain her trust for me, but she is willing to start over. If I don't play her game I might get caught up in a divorce I can't afford right now. I don't know what to do. If I can stall her I can save up the money for the divorce in order to protect myself. I think she is mentioning couples therapy and not filing to show the court that she did everything possible to save the marriage to make herself look good.

Bob

If you are considering divorce - have you read Love & Loathing by Randi Kreger and Splitting by Bill Eddy?  This might help you clarify your position on your strategy.  Also, have you posted your situation on the legal board - there is a wealth of info that might help you in a divorce situation.

[TenYearsGone]

Well she lasted one week. Sent an email to my work address "reminding" me to cancel our Internet because "she doesn't want me paying for things". If she had paid any attention to this stuff when we were together she would realise we have a contract until August so can't actually cancel.

Immediately deleted without reply. Guess I am in for another 2 or 3 hours of memories returning and rebuilding my mental strength. As time progresses it does feel good that she has less and less control though. I am definitely getting better at this!

[TenYearsGone]

Well I had a rough night. Could hardly sleep and was ruminating over things. So frustrating because I had had such a positive week. Went on a couple of dates with different people which went really well and left me in a really upbeat mindset. I guess it was the tone of what she said - implying I would be stupid enough to not even consider cancelling the contract. Guess it's just another example of her trying to beat me down to make herself feel better. Such a pain...oh well, will continue ignoring her and hopefully it will eventually stop...

[Hyacinth]

The last time i made contact with my stbxBPDh was 1/1/11 - a text wishing him a Happy New Year.  He was suicidal during Christmas and was stuggling.  I came to realize the only way to move on was to have NC with him.  His T made him sign a contract stating he would have NC with me - this was in January 2011.  He violated it 6 times the first week and continued to do so.  He continued to call, email and text and I didn't respond.  The last email from him was in early February, when he threatened me, then had me arrested and jailed overnight, simply for going to our home, at his request, to get the rest of my clothes.  He also filed a DVPO against me - talk about projection.  After two court appearances he dropped all charges against me.  He tried calling me and even sent letter to where I work, wanting to go to marriage counseling!  He was harassing me, so, I filed a DVPO against him.  I simply wanted NC!  So, in negoations with our attorneys, I dropped the DVPO and instead, filed a NO CONTACT order.  I didn't know you could do that and it was the only way I knew to get him to leave me alone.  It is a legal document signed by a judge.  And the best part is, it is for LIFE!  He can never contact me again without legal reprecussions.  It feel so good to know that I won't be bothered or threatened again.  I feel free.

I just wanted everyone to know that a legal NC order does exist.  LEGAL NC - love it!

[Robhart]

In my case I believe it's
1.They take no responsibility for their actions.The fact that she lied,cheated and  was abusive is of no consequence to her. It's like a nano second after they do something negative it's out of their mind and they think it should also  be out of yours .
2. They need constant attention.Even if their involved with someone else they still will need more attention. Part of your ego might feel good that they're " thinking of you".
 But chances are when they were with you they were in contact with other people looking for more attention.