"The look"

[Think About It...]

Have any of you folks noticed that the BPD has a "look" about them? When they get in that dark place, the whole demeanor changes. I can see it in my exuBPD's eyes. I recently saw a pic with her and her new victim. I think they were trying to pose in a serious manner but honestly, what I saw in my ex's eyes and face is a very very sick woman. Unhappy too. I bet she is trying very hard to convince herself she is happy but deep inside, her monster still surfaces and sucks her up.

[jalk]

Have any of you folks noticed that the BPD has a "look" about them? When they get in that dark place, the whole demeanor changes. I can see it in my exuBPD's eyes. I recently saw a pic with her and her new victim. I think they were trying to pose in a serious manner but honestly, what I saw in my ex's eyes and face is a very very sick woman. Unhappy too. I bet she is trying very hard to convince herself she is happy but deep inside, her monster still surfaces and sucks her up.

[harlemgurl]

My uBPDexbf had dead black lifeless eyes. Kinda of like my Mom who suffers from undiagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Clinical Depression.

I"m making connections and I now realize that my single mother's eyes were just like his. I grew up with those eyes and that's why I didn't see them as a red flag!   In retrospect I now see the hollowed emptiness as clear as day.

There's no life behind their eyes only a extra terrestrial vast wasteland of terror. If there was life behind those eyes they wouldn't do the things they do. So sad. ;p

[bewildered2]

yup...dead and black...just like her...not good!

you are well rid of her...you should pity the new guy...poor b'stard...
 
b2

[Noob]

Dead. Black. Sharklike.

Terrifying.

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[CVA]

mine would have this disosociative look,,  Like her eyes were looking thru you and past you.. It was creepy.. she did this look ALOT.   like a blank, no spirit look,, Any others?

[sarah1234]

I used to accuse mine of secretly taking drugs when I saw these eyes, which would trigger something awful off.
When the eyes changed and I knew he hadn't taken any drugs, it scared the life out of me.
Sometimes the eyes were ok and less scary, but I got to know when things would be bad just from looking in his eyes.
My npdgrandfather  had really super horrible black dark eyes and a horrible look too.
My BPD grandmother does this really freaky thing with her eyes where you start thinking she has died right in front of you. Vacant and so freaky!

[GoneToTheDogs]

I agree with all the things said above. I, too noticed a certain change in her look. She would look heartless, empty, emotionally disengaged. Just like a zombie.

I also always noticed was the fact that there was a large area of white showing underneath her iris. I have since seen this in a lot of people who are emotionally unstable. I think I have become a bit of a "look" spotter when I'm in public. I just don't ever want to ignore my gut instinct about this sort of thing again. I remember it being a red flag for me in the first place.

[jalk]

It's like...if looks could kill I would have been dead. Her eyes would squint, jaw muscles tighten, body language stiff, rigid. All I could think is here we go again. 

[thesmasher]

I can def relate to the eyes, very creepy. Whats even creepier, and also a red flag when it comes to PETS. I have a mini schnauzer and a yorkie. When I used to come home if the boys greeted me then I knew all was ok... when I would come home and they were hiding under the bed...  just as the comment up above, " I would think here we go again..." Its like THEY knew before I did when she was about to have an onset...

"Sigh" WOW... things you notice AFTER THE FACT...

P.S... THE BOYS ARE WITH ME. NO WAY I WOULD HAVE LET HER TAKE THEM...

[luckystrikes]

i actually haven't seen much of the empty eyes myself, but i've read several accounts/experiences/sightings, so it's a real phenomenon. i haven't looked, but i have a feeling i could see it in my exes old pictures if i did look. i've read about them feeling invisible, and projecting an image to the world. my ex would sometimes do a mini photo shoot, and her pictures would be uncharacteristically artsy. i think she probably did this when she was feeling invisible. and i'll bet i could see an emptiness in her eyes, again, if i looked.

what i have experienced, twice, was the glazed eyes. at the beginning of both of my last two relationships, i found myself lying on my bed with them, shaking, unable to contain themselves, exceedingly giddy and both of them saying things to me like "i like you SO much." these huge gigantic smiles, but the eyes totally glazed over. made me uncomfortable with the whole thing, and they honestly didn't seem to notice.

[GiveMeStrength11]

I saw these eyes the other night when I met up with my uBPDxgf.  I have been trying to be friends with her and stay in her kids life.  I asked her point blank, the other night, if she had been using drugs again.  She had gone through rehab for both alcohol and drugs when we were together and gotten clean.  She admitted that she had and I told her I was disappointed and thought she was better than that.  IMMEDIATELY after that conversation started, the 'dead eyes' appeared.  I have noticed them before but these were intense.  I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't like people being disappointed in her and 'what kind of comment is she was better than that'?

Anyway...after all the research I've done about BPD, it's easy to see that lack of 'life' in their eyes.

[BrokenWife]

Mine was always dead but yet rage filled ad the same time. I have seen it so often over the years... when I asked a question about his day, or for example, when I ordered a cola when I was pregnant (I was not allowed to have ANY caffeine when I was pregnant - according to him). It always came with the dead silence. I could feel him staring a hole through me and when I looked up, there it was... the "Look".

[Noob]

Wow - the further and further "out" I get, the more these people really really fvcking scare me.

[gh444]

I remember my exBPDgf as having several distinct "looks"...so yes I can relate. The one mostly mentioned here, the cold/detached/haughty look I used to call "The Queen"...to myself...

Which led me to the song by Susan Vega, The Queen and The Soldier, which at some point comforted me and gave me a little sense of closure...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dt0sXRBLfJM

Cheers,
gh444

[m772001]

Look at the pictures that were taken with them in them where they weren't the focus of the picture, or didn't know the picutre was being taken (In the background, off to the side etc)...Those are the ones of my exuBPDgf where the crazy really shown through...When she knew a picutre was to be taken and she got ready for it, seems to me like she could then hide that 1000 yard stare...

[GallowsSunshine]

It's funny, my uBPDh has some interesting looks. I do have some photos of him with this crazy eyes/vacant/demure look. I have a picture of his grandmother with the exact same facial expression. By all family accounts, she was BPD.

That said, something I've noticed looking at photos of uBPDh with other friends, is that he appears to be mirroring the person he's pictured with. The way he smiles, holds his eyes -- it's very pronounced how many photos there are where he "looks" like the person he's standing next to. Like if he's been talking to the person for a while, he'll have started mimicking their facial expressions and that comes through in the snapshot.

I know he's aware of the power of body language mirroring to build rapport (we've talked about that, they teach it in soft-skills uni classes), but I do think it's crazy he's doing it to the point that it's caught on film. It's a stunning insight to realize how calculated his social interactions must be.

[Upbeat Girl]

Yeah, mine would get what I coined the 'tight-lipped look'. His lips would become tense and his eyes would be hollow and disassociative. Think I'll try looking out for more of it in others. I'm not a good observer but I feel it as well. 

[jalk]

Yes, this "look" is reflective of who they are. My exuBPD is always good about photo shoots. Like she thinks she's a movie star or something. But I can say this much. The pic she had with her new victim is not about the "couple". It is more about her. It is all about her. And the look she has, her eyes looked like she could be saying "and your little dog too"..(from the Wizard of Oz).  That squint, it is downright scary.

[Willy]

I can see it in my exuBPD's eyes.  I saw in my ex's eyes and face is a very very sick woman.

How strange it may sound, only after months that I and my ex BPD girlfriend got together I looked deep in her eyes for some seconds. Rarely was I so scared. The emptiness! Never saw something like that before. She must have been aware of it and trying to hide it.

[SittingInLimbo2011]

Just last week I was going through photo's looking for that exact thing and the whole phenomenon "THE LOOK" is haunting to say the least. One of you mentioned focusing on pictures where the BPD is not the center of the picture and I that is where I found the best examples of "the look" especially in periods of (relative) emotional turmoil. I have come to learn that BPD afflicted folks cycle over time through different emotional stages and behaviors. This too can be seen in photos with "the look" more or less absent during the Vulnerable Seducer and Clinger phases. Pictures taken during The Hater phase are the most revealing of "The Look"

As far as real-life interactions when a trigger occurred, her entire energy and aspect changed and "the look" was but a single element of the transformation. In truth it often rattled me so bad and got my mind racing so fast in so many directions processing cause, effect, consequences, fight or flight... that I rarely had the presence of mind to dispassionately evaluate "the look". My adrenaline rises a little just writing about it. Yikes!

 I am out of the relationship now thanks to you people on this website, my own children, family, friends and God. In that order!

Good Luck and Godspeed to all of you!