We were trained by parents to over-identify with them to the exclusion of our own identity

[Leaving]

Those of us that have fallen for a pwBPD... .have a pretty good likelihood of having one or both parents having PD's. Even greater likelihood of denying it with all our ego's strength. My father is malignant NPD... it is obvious at a distance... yet I tried to get along with him till it was clear he was doing horrible things toward me and my own family... like trying to cause wife to have a miscarriage, keying my cars and then speeding the death of my grandmother. Those actions got me to cease speaking or having anything to do with him. The rest of his family is either dead or also avoids him. So for 15 yrs now... had nothing to do with him.

My mother was always hard to classify... .about the time I thought I understood her, she did things that made it clear I was off. She was always very passive-aggressive, wouldn't tell you anything directly, and the more time you spent around her the crazier you felt you were becoming... .but it wasn't easy to tell why. When she was 5 her mother died, and she was dropped off at her grandparents and told to take care of her two younger siblings, her grandparents were of the kids are to be seen not heard strict religious types. She was traumatized by it all, and as a result of my BPD r/s... .I finally have realized she is waif BPD. Couldn't classify her personality, as it is not solid, it changes based on who she is around. I empathize with her issues... but decided long ago not to be in the middle of them anymore.

So for close to 40 yrs now... .have been LC... .each time I try to get a little closer, find I want to get some distance back.

This topic hit close to home. I feel like I am invisibly handicapped now... unable to relate openly with trust, as that was not how my FOO worked. We moved every 3-4 yrs, lost all my friends time and again, and after a while, I quit making them. My NPD father seemed to attract friends like a magnet... people who didn't have a clue what he was like and would argue with me about it. Remember one telling me how good a friend he was (my dad slept with the guys wife)... and I just quietly nodded like... ."you are probably right."

So... what do we do now that we are all grown up and they are old and set in their ways or gone? My T asked me if I really needed to see him anymore, as I sound like I am doing okay, am realistic about life and getting along as well as most people. Had to agree... I am not cured, not even diagnosed with anything except residual FOO damage... same as nearly everyone else you will ever meet.

Charred, I can relate to everything you described about your family relationships- especially mother.  Same for me.

 

My therapist understood the conflict that we face as adults having been modeled by N's and she described it as an identity crisis.  I'm not referring to the clinical ID crisis.  As we become more aware and wise, we realize that we are in an almost constant state of having to discover what part of us is genuine and self made vs what part of us was created by the N.  It has become very clear to me that so much of what I believed about myself was created by my N mother and it's a hard pill to swallow. My brother once said, ' I don't think my mother even knows who I am' and at the time, neither of us realized that we were trapped in our mother's mirror.

Now that I'm aware of how truly different I am from my mother, I find that on one hand, I'm more comfortable being around her since I can see myself as separate from her like an unrelated observer and yet, it is equally disturbing to see her in action and realize how I lived with her and her drama and manipulations as a defenseless child. Like you, I'm very LC with her.

If it helps, I can tell you that as you become stronger and grounded in your own self-made life that the effect that N's have on you will become less threatening because you will either not allow them in your life or, as in the case of your family, will have strong boundaries that protect your emotional freedom.  Always trust your intuition and know that it's guiding and protecting you.  Remember that you are no longer powerless to the N and that you will not allow an N to kidnap your life. Try not to fear people in general.  Believe in and respect your own good sense and just know that you are capable of choosing relationships.

Here's how I dealt with my family relationships:  I told myself that even though I was NC for many years,  I would always leave the door open to the possibility that maybe one day we could have a relationship.  Keeping that attitude about it was less stressful because it was less permanent. 

I married an NPD/BPD with severe passive-aggression and my life is truly a train wreck at the moment.  I'm starting over at 53 but I'm not giving up.  Hang in there  

[waverider]

Those of us that have fallen for a pwBPD... .have a pretty good likelihood of having one or both parents having PD's.

If nothing else it teaches us that inappropriate rage blows over, so we learn to just battle on and treat it just like another rainy day. Then one day we ignore the rain too long and find ourselves facing the perfect storm having ignored all the forecast predictors.

Dont think my parents had PDs as such, but mum did have hair trigger and a whole bunch of phobias. Her siblings collectively had minor psychological traits (agrophopia etc) No nasty full blown PDs though. dads was the umovable rock that I guess a slightly unstable person needs. Having said that though he probably taught me to turn the other past the point were it was to my own benefit , as I never really learnd to stand up for my rights.

The point is parents don't need top have full on PDs, but they can affect our vulnerability to others, whether it be pwPDs or just simple bullies.

What I have learned here protects me not only against BPD but others that take advantage.

[polly87]

Thank you all for this inspiring thread.  <3

[smrk871345]

Your title is the sentence I've been working hard to understand. I've encountered that concept in several different books lately. It is the basis for me blaming my mother for my lack of success in life. My social problems and professional problems all come down to this one thing: loss of self. When my uBPD mother goes off into a rage and says horrible things about how I have no marriage and no friends and no good career etc, I know how it's all because of her. Success in business and relationships requires a sense of security, self-esteem, as sense of belonging and a sense of identity. She's taken all that away from me, and therefore remains the root of all my problems. She goes off into a rage at me and will not look at her self.

I understand that, no matter what my parents did to me, it is my responsibility to heal from it. The question is, how? How do I heal my broken identity when everything I am and ever tried to do has been shrouded in shame and doubt?  I'm working on healing and making some progress, but I fear it will only be complete when I can get total separation from her.

[Leaving]

Your title is the sentence I've been working hard to understand. I've encountered that concept in several different books lately. It is the basis for me blaming my mother for my lack of success in life. My social problems and professional problems all come down to this one thing: loss of self. When my uBPD mother goes off into a rage and says horrible things about how I have no marriage and no friends and no good career etc, I know how it's all because of her. Success in business and relationships requires a sense of security, self-esteem, as sense of belonging and a sense of identity. She's taken all that away from me, and therefore remains the root of all my problems. She goes off into a rage at me and will not look at her self.

I understand that, no matter what my parents did to me, it is my responsibility to heal from it. The question is, how? How do I heal my broken identity when everything I am and ever tried to do has been shrouded in shame and doubt?  I'm working on healing and making some progress, but I fear it will only be complete when I can get total separation from her.

It's ok to blame your mother for harming you but as you know, you are the one who is going to have to repair the damage.  Your mother will never look at herself because believe it or not, she has no self to look at and therefore lacks insight and any desire to have any.  So, don't waste time expecting her to show up as a whole person.  You're much better off than she is in that respect so count your blessings.  You must find a way to physically separate from your parents and then you begin to create your own life day by day, experience by experience.  Like anyone else, we learn from experience ( well, some of us do anyway). You need your own space.  The only way to build your confidence is through experience in your own space.  I'm currently working on that.

[Notwendy]

How to separate? It takes a lot of personal work, therapy, 12 step groups, but it is worth the effort and eventually you will learn new ways to relate to yourself and people.

So much that you might forget. I recently ran into a relative, who within a few hours of my conversation, had phoned my mother up to report the whole thing. I am not NC with my mother, and the information was not so personal that I cared if she heard it, but I was taken aback at the idea that talking to one family member, one on one- had to be reported?

My mother's family is strangely connected. If one is invited, they all are. Speak to one of them, all of them know about it. Close families are nice, but they are composed of individuals.

This is a great thread, reminding me that in some families, the entire family is a singular identity.