There are so many myths about this disorder that when I first found out I didn't know what to do, what was the right course of action for myself, or how to handle leaving the relationship.

I think the two that I was struggling with were:

I felt guilty the first couple of times I tried to do this.  I tried reasoning and discussion.  I thought there was a way to end it without a lot of conflict trying to discuss things.  I didn't realize the least amount of conflict came from being definitive and clear.  No more words necessary.

I was letting someone else with drive my "car" so to speak.  I had become a passenger in my own life.  I know I can't control this person...shoot he can't control himself.  The recycling takes my participation.

There were a couple of choices that were not easy to make. I don't think that BPDs have the "power" to allure and control, but they certainly end up doing that because they are seductive and nons give them the power. Also, I don't know that I would say BPDs enter r/s to exploit partners. I am not so sure it is clear cut but as their abandonment fears emerge they try to be in control and they do use people to satisfy their needs. It is all because of emotional immaturity.

There is also the one about emotional maturity. I think it is a rule of thumb that we select partners at our level of emotional maturity but in the case of a BPD there are early childhood developmental stages that they simply haven't navigated yet, and a non who can attach is more mature emotionally than a BPD. So there is a gray area in that one too.

The rest of the examples are facts IMHO.
Diotima

The isolation that often occurs in BPDr/s lends to co dependancy.  Setting healthy boundaries can reestablish the blurred lines between self and another...boundaries can also give one a very real sense of control over ones own life, choices, future.

lbjnltx

Personality disorder defined as having at least one "A" and one "B":
FACT

Most of the BPD partners described on the messageboard would not qualify as clinical BPD - but they have some traits.
FACT

Relationship recycling is largely a function of the person with BPD traits in the relationship. [/td][/tr][/table]
FACT

The primary reason that people on the Leaving board struggle with the end of their relationship is that they have their own abandonment issues and/or rejection sensitivities.
FACT

People with BPD traits (or BPD) have the powers to allure and control others.
FACT

An individual_

ok, i got them all correct

My responses may echo those posted by nonhere as there are many poignant parallels in what was relayed by him.


FACT -  I echo the sentiments of many here in that we all have a few traits, but it's the extremes at which the traits are expressed that indicate an unhealthy state of emotional and mental well being.

In my case I had no prior knowledge of what BPD was while involved with my ex uBPDgf. After several recycles and it was finally "over" I had spoken to some friends who suggested a personality order may be in play and so my research led me hear.  I also spoke with my "T" and most interestingly my ex-wife who for a time was actually a therapist who treated pwBPD using DBT methods.  While there was no official diagnosis made by a T with my ex in the room, I called up my ex wife and relayed my experiences and the difficult behaviours exhibited my my ex uBPDgf.   We went over the DSM-IV criteria and at least 6 were active with one or 2 more possible from stories my ex told be of her past, so I was pretty well convinced she was a strong candidate for BPD and the parallels in many accounts on this board have further corroborated my hunch.


FACT - I only answer this in the affirmative, because the relationship with my ex uBPDgf was the only one that had recycles and so it's easy for me to cite that experience and implicate the traits as a reason why they transpired.  While it may not be fair to say it was the BPD, the unique experience of the push and pull antics and trends certainly distinguished this relationship amongst others.  Interestingly before I knew abut BPD and was still involved with my ex uBPDgf I cited the difficulties of riding the intense emotional rollercoaster, or fighting the vicissitudes of the relationship in correspondence with her, but it wasn't until much later when I put all the stories and  |> together did I understand what had happened in the context of a PD.  It opened up my eyes and framed our involvement and damage incurred in such a new and revealing light.

My attachment to her of course enabled the recycling.  I stayed in contact with her hoping for a recycle, but it was she who would pull the trigger and indicate that we should meet somewhere and reinitiate / reengage.  During those times she would paint me white and it was fabulous.  Inevitably I'd be painted black again and discarded.  It's amazing how she was willing to meet in person to discuss happy times and a potential future together, but she lacked the resolve to discuss problems or issues productively (a sign of an underdeveloped emotional being) and when it came to breaking up with me she cowardly hid behind the veil of email and did not have the class or decency to speak about difficult topics with me in person - now I wonder if that's also driven by the PD.



FACT

At the time I couldn't fathom how someone who was so into me and who loved the fact that I was so terrific with her daughter could abandon our relationship over such trivial concerns as the ones she presented.  Even friends said, wow it looked like she was really into you, and that didn't help my processing of the situation.  Unfortunately at the time I took ALL of her statements personally and it summoned my own insecurities and vitriolic defensive mechanisms and her breakup email was responded to by my hurt and fragile self which escalated the dynamic and conflict to a new level and made things much worse.  In the end she went LC on me. My desperate actions were fed by so pouring into the relationship and having it end over petty concerns.  After that I sought after a "T" full well realizing I should never have sent the response I wrote and I had to find a way to address and process rejection sensitivities in a manner that would not hurt anyone else.

I do think the BPD/NON dynamic also played a role here where I definitely had a hero complex that was in part fed by her playing the victim role regarding every relationship she'd ever been in prior.  Couple that with the mirroring and idealization and my underfed ego and POW HELLO L3!


LEGEND with a caveat.

Upon reading posts on this board I was stunned to read the word "allure" used so readily, as   I used this word with my ex BPDgf before I was even aware of the disorder.  Particularly upon recycles I told her that she had an amazing allure as if it were a quality to be admired - I even told her it felt like I was cast under a spell, which worked for her has one who recently practising Wicca.

Her "allure" was certainly due to my own painting her white seeing the good times and intense adoration, and terrific sexual experiences.  In realty I should have been more guarded seeing her as white with chicken pocks or measles that represent all of the red flags present throughout the relationship that I either dismissed or endured without setting up proper boundaries.

This one took me time to appreciate ... but in retrospect, it was obvious.

I was very shy and inexperienced in romantic relationships. Oh, I had had them, but they were all relatively brief, and just happened (surprise!) to be with women who took the initiative for whatever reason, healthy or unhealthy.

So my emotional immaturity wasn't the same kind as hers - and it wasn't as pervasive throughout my life - but yes, with romantic relationships, we were at the same level of emotional maturity. Absolutely. Someone more emotionally mature than me simply would have backed away, or insisted upon positive change.


(The other key difference being that not being disordered, I was capable of becoming more emotionally mature.)

Personality disorder defined as having at least one "A" and one "B": Fact.
This is outlined in the DSM.


Most of the BPD partners described on the messageboard would not qualify as clinical BPD - but they have some traits.
Fact.
As a good friend of mine in the mental health field said, "You can meet only 4/9 of the criteria in the DSM and still be a difficult person to live with."

Relationship recycling is largely a function of the person with BPD traits in the relationship.  
Fact.
I think both parties contribute to relationship recycling, but the pwBPD most likely steers the relationship.

The primary reason that people on the Leaving board struggle with the end of their relationship is that they have their own abandonment issues and/or rejection sensitivities.
Legend.
Breaking up is hard for everyone. While we all may have abandonment issues in varying degrees, there could be other reasons why breaking up is hard (reluctance to change, legal/financial circumstances, etc).

People with BPD traits (or BPD) have the powers to allure and control others. Legend.
No doubt that there are some very charming people with BPD, and some can control others, but not all posess that kind of power.

An individual's overall life functioning is linked closely to his level of emotional maturity or differentiation. People select partners who have the same level of emotional maturity.
Fact.
I think everyone seeks a partner at his/her emotional maturity level.

Most people with BPD and BPD traits enter into relationships with the intent to exploit their partner.
Legend.
pwBPD want to be loved and accepted. They may exploit their partners, some knowingly and some not knowingly, but deep down, they want to be loved.

"No contact" is the best way to get someone to Leave you alone.
Legend.
While NC brings peace to some, it's not for everyone. Sometimes adhering to boundaries works.

Even for an objective professional in the mental health field making a concrete/definitive diagnosis of BPD is a difficult task. One reason is the amount of behaviors-overlap between the categories in Axis II, Cluster B (DSM IV-TR). For example BPD and NPD have approximately a 37% co-morbid (co-occurrence)  rate--both sets of behaviors being present in one person.

On a personal note I wonder why I am so set on being confident in saying "...she did this because she is a BPD/NPD..." I think one of the answers for me is that labeling my EX as a BPD allows me to not look at myself and my behaviors in the R/S..."her disease did it. I had no role... I am victim of her disease etc.  With this mind set I can stay in anger and hate while never examining those changes that are necessary in me to heal and move forward.

I want to get to a place where I am no longer attracted to women with PD's to accomplish this I need to work on  myself...

I answered the questions in poll in an earlier post but am thinking about revising one or two later today M