Been posting already but thought I would put 'my story' on Sorry - Long

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My ex was a merchant seaman. So he was away for stretches of time. He was charming and good looking and a 'ladies man'. We had some good years together but I realise now that I was being verbally and emotionally abused throughout. It just wasn't as much at the beginning as at the end. We were together 21 years. I have also seen a DV counsellor and realise we were going round and round in the cycle of abuse. Just that at the beginning the cycle was much longer, the time of peace longer and the tension and build-up and then explosion not as bad.

I sort of thought we were going OK. But after the birth of our first child who is now 14 things starting going downhill. We got a computer at the same time as the baby and he started spending a lot of time on it. He had been someone who liked to flirt and look at women all the time. I didn't like it but didn’t think it was enough to leave him over. Well when the computer came he started looking at porn on the computer. It got worst and worst. I caught him masturbating in front of the computer once. It was awful. But it is hard to stand up to them.

Have you heard of the story of the frog in the pot of boiling water? The story goes that if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water it jumps out straight away but if you put in a cold pot on the heat and slowly turn up the heat it stays until it boils. I was that frog. I got used to worst and worst things that he was doing but didn't leave. If he had jumped straight into cheating (which is what he was doing all the time I found out in the end) then I may have left. But it got worst and worst and I kept tolerating it because leaving was so hard. I always justified it to myself that at least he wasn't having sex with anyone else. He swore on his children's lives he wasn't. It was of course all a lie. About 5 years before we finally broke up I found out that he was having sex with other women. We went to a counsellor he swore he would stop. I joined a group for wives of sex addicts because that is what I thought he was.

I thought about leaving but didn't. I listened to his promises of stopping and starting over with me. I believed him.  Then he got a job as a pilot which meant leaving the sea the job was about 2000km away and we moved up there for his job. I didn't want to move up but it was also not good with him still being at sea.

About 3 months after we moved there I opened a letter addressed to him saying he was the father of this woman's twin daughters and that she needed him to sign a stat dec for Centrelink. The kids were 2 months old! He admitted he was the father, that he knew about it and that he had continued to be unfaithful. He said she was just a sex thing.  

Well my world fell apart. I was in a new town with no friends, no family and a cheating husband. We separated for 6 months and I foolishly took him back again. But what I now know to be DV got worst. I could not trust him. I could not respect him. He lied about everything big and small. We rowed all the time but I would get the 'I love you, I love the children, don't leave me, I will stop, it will get better' and I wanted to believe it.

I finally decided to leave over something really stupid and meaningless but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Just another thing he lied about.  I always wanted to go back to where we had moved from. I have no family they are all overseas but I had friends and it was home for me. And I hated living in the new place. I am a city girl born and bred and it was in the country.  When I told him that was what I wanted to do he extracted a promise out of me that if he let me move to back he would get 50% of the property settlement, which was a big deal. We were comfortable.  

The children and I moved back and the crap started straight away basically.  There were some ok moments with him but not many and I have a hard time remembering them now.  From his first visit and our first emails it was difficult and got worst and worst.  I had agreed to the 50/50 settlement but realised a) I couldn't manage financially b) he wasn't going to keep his word on other things.  There was one bad weekend when he was trying to get me to talk to him and I wouldn't when he threatened that if I did not speak to him by 5pm on Sunday all agreements were off and we would start afresh. He even said I would hear from his 'legal team'.  So I used that to get out of the agreement.  I also realised that he wasn't going to be seeing the kids that often and it certainly wasn't going to cost him 25% of our property settlement.  It is a while ago now and I can't remember everything.
 
What I do remember though is all the abuse, threats, threats of not returning the children if I didn't give him half the money etc etc etc.  We went to mediation where he agreed to a 65/35 split then went back on it.  IN the meantime he got a girlfriend who I think interfered in this and influenced what later transpired.
 
So here we were now at lawyers trying to negotiate a settlement when I get an application from him on 19th December - A Friday when all the lawyers close down for 3 weeks and I couldn't speak to anyone, an interim application to have the boys and I moved back to where he lived for the start of the school term!
 
Well I am trying to cut a long story short, it was nine months later, with nasty threatening letters and physical fight, crap crap and more crap before I gave in at the conciliation conference and let him have the 50/50 to keep the boys from having to go through the whole court rigmarole and a family report.  So wish I hadn't done that now, thought he would settle down and things would get easier.  WRONG got worst.  Along the way he closed a bank account we had opened to save money for the kids and stole money out of it.  Asked to borrow money from me to pay a bill and never paid it back and so on.  Too much to explain but if I say his lawyer probably has BPD too it might give you the picture.
 
He really only started the court case to get more money for himself.  He didn't really want the kids full time.  He and his nasty btch girlfriend had a good life, playing mum and dad to his kids and her daughter during the school holidays and the rest of the time by themselves on top money.  (Her daughter goes to boarding school).
 
A lot of other nasty things happened along the way but it is too much to tell you.
 
So that was July 2009.  It has been crap after crap since then.  Nothing, not anything is ever easy or smooth.  So many things that I can't even begin to give you some examples.  Worst was gave me permission to take the kids to UK to see their family and have his one week of the October school holiday.  Then 2 months later writes and says that he is going to go over at the same time as me and he wants the boys for that one week in UK!  On my holiday with my parents! And if we can't hand the kids over without drama in Sydney how the hell would it happen in UK.  It just wasn't going to happen. So in the end he took away his permission altogether and we didn't go. In the meantime he wanted to take the kids on an overseas holiday which involved splitting my holiday and giving him 2 extra nights.  I let him go and then he wouldn't give me the nights back.
 
This sounds so petty when I write it out like this but it involved email after email, abusive threatening text after text.  3 hours of mediation where we nearly agreed (he wouldn't give me his one week in October and I had to get the kids back from UK to still go to him but I agreed to him taking them to Solomon’s) and then he threw a stupid clause i at the end.  I spoke to the mediation people again later and they told me (although they shouldn't have) that there was a note on file not to do mediation with him again because he was so difficult.
 
It was at that point when I had a mini breakdown that I ended up discovering BPD and realised he had it and it was never going to change.  I thought I had a handle on it all and then a bombshell hit us.  He moved to Port Hedland WA.  He told me 3 days before he left (although I knew earlier because kids told me).  He expected everything to carry on as before, but the kids could only travel on Thursday's there are no direct flights etc etc.  Big sigh.  So hard to explain.  But i the end I didn't send the kids and he sent his nasty girlfriend to my house to pick them up, police and nastiness.  
 
He started a contravention application which we are now at court for.  He also wanted the orders changed to some stupid stuff.  So i sent in a reasonable proposal.  He is also going to be living month on month off where we are located in about a year which is probably going to be a nightmare.
 
We have argued about drop offs, pickups, use of phone, mobiles, who will pay for what, he has reduced is maintenance twice, accused me of hiding money overseas, talked sht about me in front of kids, we fought at one pick up where he got a video camera out, the kids have suffered, he turns up late, he expect me to drop everything to do his bidding and be on the phone whenever he wants to talk to me!  I am still not describing it.  How do you describe Chinese water torture?  each one by itself not nice but not so bad but 3 1/2 years of abuse, nastiness, threats, getting his own way all the time, not caring about the kids, thinking he can say whatever he wants whenever he wants it, controlling our lives because we don't know from one holiday to another whether and when he will book flights, if the kids are going.  And it goes on.
 
I am worn out.  Been told I suffer from PSTD.   I got a special phone and email address for him because at one point every sms that came gave me palpitations in case it was from him and I didn't know what was coming at me.  I am frighted of him.  Not physically but of what he might do.  The post box gives me anxiety when I get a letter that I don’t' recognise in case it is another legal thing or more from CSA about reducing my money.  I had to get friends to read his emails and help me reply because my heart beat out of my chest when I saw an email in my inbox.  I would imagine you understand what I am talking about.  It is awful. I am on antidepressants now because I developed this anxiety in April trying to 'negotiate' with him for the Easter holidays for the kids.  
 
Basically he is a complete liar, does not remember the truth when it is shown to him on paper in black and white. I can't trust one thing he says.  He makes agreements he backs out of.  I can only manage this if I ignore most of his nasty emails and have a really strict set of orders that I do not stray outside of.  For examples our orders say we should communicate about the kids by email, phone, text or letter.  He keeps sending me emails about how I have to talk to him because the orders say so.  Rot.  I don't talk to him at all; everything has to be in writing.  But each and every email and each and every text he asks me to call him to discuss or that he will call me to discuss!
 
Sorry this is so long!

I am doing OK now, learning how to keep my communication as brief as possible and not respond to any of his nasty communication.  It is hard though.  So tempting to just fire of a reply to all his false accusations and nasty snide remarks.

Being here and reading just validates that I am dealing with a sick person and am heading in the right direction with how I am dealing with him.

Thanks for reading if you have got this far!
 

[larissap]

My ex was a merchant seaman. So he was away for stretches of time. He was charming and good looking and a 'ladies man'. We had some good years together but I realise now that I was being verbally and emotionally abused throughout. It just wasn't as much at the beginning as at the end. We were together 21 years. I have also seen a DV counsellor and realise we were going round and round in the cycle of abuse. Just that at the beginning the cycle was much longer, the time of peace longer and the tension and build-up and then explosion not as bad.

I sort of thought we were going OK. But after the birth of our first child who is now 14 things starting going downhill. We got a computer at the same time as the baby and he started spending a lot of time on it. He had been someone who liked to flirt and look at women all the time. I didn't like it but didn’t think it was enough to leave him over. Well when the computer came he started looking at porn on the computer. It got worst and worst. I caught him masturbating in front of the computer once. It was awful. But it is hard to stand up to them.

Have you heard of the story of the frog in the pot of boiling water? The story goes that if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water it jumps out straight away but if you put in a cold pot on the heat and slowly turn up the heat it stays until it boils. I was that frog. I got used to worst and worst things that he was doing but didn't leave. If he had jumped straight into cheating (which is what he was doing all the time I found out in the end) then I may have left. But it got worst and worst and I kept tolerating it because leaving was so hard. I always justified it to myself that at least he wasn't having sex with anyone else. He swore on his children's lives he wasn't. It was of course all a lie. About 5 years before we finally broke up I found out that he was having sex with other women. We went to a counsellor he swore he would stop. I joined a group for wives of sex addicts because that is what I thought he was.

I thought about leaving but didn't. I listened to his promises of stopping and starting over with me. I believed him.  Then he got a job as a pilot which meant leaving the sea the job was about 2000km away and we moved up there for his job. I didn't want to move up but it was also not good with him still being at sea.

About 3 months after we moved there I opened a letter addressed to him saying he was the father of this woman's twin daughters and that she needed him to sign a stat dec for Centrelink. The kids were 2 months old! He admitted he was the father, that he knew about it and that he had continued to be unfaithful. He said she was just a sex thing.  

Well my world fell apart. I was in a new town with no friends, no family and a cheating husband. We separated for 6 months and I foolishly took him back again. But what I now know to be DV got worst. I could not trust him. I could not respect him. He lied about everything big and small. We rowed all the time but I would get the 'I love you, I love the children, don't leave me, I will stop, it will get better' and I wanted to believe it.

I finally decided to leave over something really stupid and meaningless but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Just another thing he lied about.  I always wanted to go back to where we had moved from. I have no family they are all overseas but I had friends and it was home for me. And I hated living in the new place. I am a city girl born and bred and it was in the country.  When I told him that was what I wanted to do he extracted a promise out of me that if he let me move to back he would get 50% of the property settlement, which was a big deal. We were comfortable.  

The children and I moved back and the crap started straight away basically.  There were some ok moments with him but not many and I have a hard time remembering them now.  From his first visit and our first emails it was difficult and got worst and worst.  I had agreed to the 50/50 settlement but realised a) I couldn't manage financially b) he wasn't going to keep his word on other things.  There was one bad weekend when he was trying to get me to talk to him and I wouldn't when he threatened that if I did not speak to him by 5pm on Sunday all agreements were off and we would start afresh. He even said I would hear from his 'legal team'.  So I used that to get out of the agreement.  I also realised that he wasn't going to be seeing the kids that often and it certainly wasn't going to cost him 25% of our property settlement.  It is a while ago now and I can't remember everything.
 
What I do remember though is all the abuse, threats, threats of not returning the children if I didn't give him half the money etc etc etc.  We went to mediation where he agreed to a 65/35 split then went back on it.  IN the meantime he got a girlfriend who I think interfered in this and influenced what later transpired.
 
So here we were now at lawyers trying to negotiate a settlement when I get an application from him on 19th December - A Friday when all the lawyers close down for 3 weeks and I couldn't speak to anyone, an interim application to have the boys and I moved back to where he lived for the start of the school term!
 
Well I am trying to cut a long story short, it was nine months later, with nasty threatening letters and physical fight, crap crap and more crap before I gave in at the conciliation conference and let him have the 50/50 to keep the boys from having to go through the whole court rigmarole and a family report.  So wish I hadn't done that now, thought he would settle down and things would get easier.  WRONG got worst.  Along the way he closed a bank account we had opened to save money for the kids and stole money out of it.  Asked to borrow money from me to pay a bill and never paid it back and so on.  Too much to explain but if I say his lawyer probably has BPD too it might give you the picture.
 
He really only started the court case to get more money for himself.  He didn't really want the kids full time.  He and his nasty btch girlfriend had a good life, playing mum and dad to his kids and her daughter during the school holidays and the rest of the time by themselves on top money.  (Her daughter goes to boarding school).
 
A lot of other nasty things happened along the way but it is too much to tell you.
 
So that was July 2009.  It has been crap after crap since then.  Nothing, not anything is ever easy or smooth.  So many things that I can't even begin to give you some examples.  Worst was gave me permission to take the kids to UK to see their family and have his one week of the October school holiday.  Then 2 months later writes and says that he is going to go over at the same time as me and he wants the boys for that one week in UK!  On my holiday with my parents! And if we can't hand the kids over without drama in Sydney how the hell would it happen in UK.  It just wasn't going to happen. So in the end he took away his permission altogether and we didn't go. In the meantime he wanted to take the kids on an overseas holiday which involved splitting my holiday and giving him 2 extra nights.  I let him go and then he wouldn't give me the nights back.
 
This sounds so petty when I write it out like this but it involved email after email, abusive threatening text after text.  3 hours of mediation where we nearly agreed (he wouldn't give me his one week in October and I had to get the kids back from UK to still go to him but I agreed to him taking them to Solomon’s) and then he threw a stupid clause i at the end.  I spoke to the mediation people again later and they told me (although they shouldn't have) that there was a note on file not to do mediation with him again because he was so difficult.
 
It was at that point when I had a mini breakdown that I ended up discovering BPD and realised he had it and it was never going to change.  I thought I had a handle on it all and then a bombshell hit us.  He moved to Port Hedland WA.  He told me 3 days before he left (although I knew earlier because kids told me).  He expected everything to carry on as before, but the kids could only travel on Thursday's there are no direct flights etc etc.  Big sigh.  So hard to explain.  But i the end I didn't send the kids and he sent his nasty girlfriend to my house to pick them up, police and nastiness.  
 
He started a contravention application which we are now at court for.  He also wanted the orders changed to some stupid stuff.  So i sent in a reasonable proposal.  He is also going to be living month on month off where we are located in about a year which is probably going to be a nightmare.
 
We have argued about drop offs, pickups, use of phone, mobiles, who will pay for what, he has reduced is maintenance twice, accused me of hiding money overseas, talked sht about me in front of kids, we fought at one pick up where he got a video camera out, the kids have suffered, he turns up late, he expect me to drop everything to do his bidding and be on the phone whenever he wants to talk to me!  I am still not describing it.  How do you describe Chinese water torture?  each one by itself not nice but not so bad but 3 1/2 years of abuse, nastiness, threats, getting his own way all the time, not caring about the kids, thinking he can say whatever he wants whenever he wants it, controlling our lives because we don't know from one holiday to another whether and when he will book flights, if the kids are going.  And it goes on.
 
I am worn out.  Been told I suffer from PSTD.   I got a special phone and email address for him because at one point every sms that came gave me palpitations in case it was from him and I didn't know what was coming at me.  I am frighted of him.  Not physically but of what he might do.  The post box gives me anxiety when I get a letter that I don’t' recognise in case it is another legal thing or more from CSA about reducing my money.  I had to get friends to read his emails and help me reply because my heart beat out of my chest when I saw an email in my inbox.  I would imagine you understand what I am talking about.  It is awful. I am on antidepressants now because I developed this anxiety in April trying to 'negotiate' with him for the Easter holidays for the kids.  
 
Basically he is a complete liar, does not remember the truth when it is shown to him on paper in black and white. I can't trust one thing he says.  He makes agreements he backs out of.  I can only manage this if I ignore most of his nasty emails and have a really strict set of orders that I do not stray outside of.  For examples our orders say we should communicate about the kids by email, phone, text or letter.  He keeps sending me emails about how I have to talk to him because the orders say so.  Rot.  I don't talk to him at all; everything has to be in writing.  But each and every email and each and every text he asks me to call him to discuss or that he will call me to discuss!
 
Sorry this is so long!

I am doing OK now, learning how to keep my communication as brief as possible and not respond to any of his nasty communication.  It is hard though.  So tempting to just fire of a reply to all his false accusations and nasty snide remarks.

Being here and reading just validates that I am dealing with a sick person and am heading in the right direction with how I am dealing with him.

Thanks for reading if you have got this far!
 

[At_Bay]

So sorry to hear about the problems he is trying to cause for you. You are no longer married and he can't make you say anything you don't want to say. Those days are over. You certainly don't have to talk to him on the phone when the court orders say differently. I'd tape a message beside the computer that says: We're divorced -- read the court order.

Keep emails free of details and say only what is absolutely necessary to get the boys' travel arrangements made. Sounds like that is what the court intended. The more you say, the more you will have to think about it. The less you type, the less he has to reply to. Say the same thing each time--like a form letter--whatever it takes to show yourself things have changed. Remember that it doesn't matter what he thinks. The kids have figured out what's going on so just acknowledge it's a pain sometimes, but everyone will be fine. They will take their lead from your attitude. Let your ex explain his own actions as you don't have that responsibility anymore. Keep your home happy and a good place to be, so that you'll feel better. Have a certain time of day you deal with it if you must, then put it away. Emails that come in after a certain time are tomorrow's work.

You know that the kids will be growing up and at some point you never have to speak to him again. The children can make their own arrangements. That will be so great. I really feel for you.

Thanks for explaining it so well.

[larissap]

Thanks Atbay.

I have been doing all the things you said (except the message by the phone!) I do feel that I am getting a handle on it.  But sometimes it all gets to me.  I still feel fear when I open up the email account where he emails, wondering what is coming next.  And unfortunately because of the flight arrangements I have to read them. But it feels so much better since I set up an email account just for him.  So I open it when I feel I can cope best!

I am looking forward to when the children make their own arrangements, I just hope they can cope when that time comes!  They do see a bit of what is going on, particularly the eldest. Unfortunately at 14 he isn't yet ready to tell his Dad what he really wants or thinks (lets face it teenagers aren't much good at that anyway, let alone to a father with BPD!).  I would like to help him to learn to tell his father what he wants but I am not sure how to help him.  So for the moment I either do it for him or he has to miss out on what he wants.

I didn't mention that my son was invited to go to Italy and London with his best friend's family but as it was during school holiday and his father's time, his father had to give permission.  Yeah you guessed it, his father said no.  Poor kid missed out on the opportunity of a lifetime because of his sht dad.  But I didn't step in because my son didn't want me to - he knew it would cause too many problems.

I feel so sorry for the children.  Still, they will have to learn tough lessons early on in life.

Thanks for your response.

[At_Bay]

Glad to hear you're already doing those things. I think the kids will learn from observing even if they don't say anything. I'm with you about sparing the kids getting involved in an argument. It's a shame his Dad still causes trouble like withholding permission as a way to control, in my opinion. It would have been a great trip and experience for a 14 year old.

Sounds like you have done everything you can. The kids will be supportive of you in the future when they are older. It is so nice to see this trait. Our son is 38 and such a good Dad. More considerate than his own father was, but then my h was never considerate unless there was something in it for him. He loved to look good to his son and everyone but me, so I guess I'm lucky. I did tell my son when he was in high school that he would need to tell his Dad what he needs.

I hope posting here helps. It feels so bad to watch the crazy antics of a spouse or ex living like this.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[larissap]

Our son is 38 and such a good Dad. More considerate than his own father was, but then my h was never considerate unless there was something in it for him. He loved to look good to his son and everyone but me, so I guess I'm lucky. I did tell my son when he was in high school that he would need to tell his Dad what he needs.

I hope posting here helps. It feels so bad to watch the crazy antics of a spouse or ex living like this.

That's lovely about your son.  My eldest is like that, he will turn out fine and is a great boy now.  I worry about my youngest though.  He has similar personality traits to his father and I think he may have some of the BPD stuff. But it is hard to tell. He is an 11 year old boy and I actually figured that maybe I think he is like his father because his father is still only AN 11 YEAR OLD BOY! 

I hope that is the case and my son grows out of it.  Also he has a different mother than my X had!  My X's mother also has something wrong with her, some sort of PD I am sure.  And luckily my son doesn't! (have a mother with a PD I mean!)

I have also purchased and am waiting for a book I found on the internet called 'just like his father' for children of parents with ADHD, addiction or antisocial behaviour. I am hoping I can learn something from that.

Thanks for your vote of confidence though!

And I am getting something out of posting and hopefully adding some of my experience too.  I am coming out of it and have learnt how to deal with a lot of it.  I hope sharing that with others helps others not so far down the track.  It is also great to come somewhere where you know people 'get it!'.  That a long explanation isn't needed.  And the validation that I am not imagining it is great.  I often think that we must have all been married to the same man!

[jojoe72]

I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you.  That this is one of the reasons im scared to leave my SO.  

I too am on anti depressants and sleeping pills for the last 4yrs.  I don't want to get addicted to the sleeping pills however need them in order to be able to function properly at work.  

my thoughts are with you and your children.

[larissap]

Thanks Joejo.

I must admit I sometimes wonder if it would have been better to stay.  In actual fact what I have had to go through since I left is in some ways worst than when I stayed.  I figure while we were together and he didn't want me to leave him he had to make some attempts to keep it together and be nice to me some of the time!  But when I did the worst thing and left him, he painted me all black and see's no reason not to say to me whatever he wants.  And does.  Frequently!

So I do understand what you mean.  It took me 5 years to leave.  5 long years.  And it felt like jumping off a cliff into the dark.  It was very very scary, the hardest thing I have ever done.

Do I regret it?  Yeah sometimes. But that gets less over time.  I am much much worst off financially, I am dealing with all his s**t.  BUT and it is a big but, my kids are better off in the long term.  They now have a great male mentor in their lives, my new husband (who I was very lucky to find) and the chance of a good relationship themselves.  If I had stayed they would not have known what true respect and trust and a proper two way relationship looks like.

One of the saddest things I heard was my eldest son.  In our house now we have peace.  My new husband and I sometimes argue but it is over quickly and most of the time not in front of the kids (so different from before). So one day I was saying to S14 that it was nice living in peace.  He said to me 'Mum I didn't know it could be like this.'  how sad is that.  He did not know that relationships could be peaceful. All he knew was shouting, anger, arguments.

So, I have given my children far more hope for the future by leaving.  When I am feeling down or dealing with more crap I have to try and focus on my children.  I did it for them in the end.

And one day down the track when I no longer have to communicate with him or can handle the communication better, I will be pleased I did it for me too!  But hey, it has taken me 3 1/2 years to get to this point and I still have a lot more work to do!

Good luck with what you want to do.  But I would say stay or go, both are very hard choices and neither is easy.  We all have to make our own decisions based on our own lives and circumstances.  And it doesn't have to be decided today either.  It took me 5 years!