So much for regulation/ The roller coaster continues...

[Think About It...]

Hi there friends..

Thanks Salut,  I will scratch his lil ears as soon as I get home!   ENjoy that car mama.!  fun!

AtBay my friend..   thanks for the encouragement..  Its been daunting but the convention has been so upbuilding.

sis and I have had a good time for the most part.  3 days by any standard is a killer for my health and hers too.

We drove 2 hours fri morning and got here by 9 then checked into our hotel that evening and have been jacuzzi'in it and had some good Japanese food, chinese tonight and decided to stay another night and leave first thing in the am.

We both have a summons to appear in court tomorrow for her h attacking her.  she is BPD as well and I posted it on the legal board.  please read it if you can and let me know your thoughts..

we will be home tomorrow afternoon and then i have to pack like a crazy woman..    love ya friend.. and h is fine with me going. he has a great deal of respect for my christian commitment so thankfully he does have that going for him and is taking care of things til tomorrow. i'm sure i'll pay for it by finding it kinda messy.. he tries but there's just too many animals for him to stay on top of..   its my world.. he's just holdin it up..

ttyl

[1bravegirl]

Hi there friends..

Thanks Salut,  I will scratch his lil ears as soon as I get home!   ENjoy that car mama.!  fun!

AtBay my friend..   thanks for the encouragement..  Its been daunting but the convention has been so upbuilding.

sis and I have had a good time for the most part.  3 days by any standard is a killer for my health and hers too.

We drove 2 hours fri morning and got here by 9 then checked into our hotel that evening and have been jacuzzi'in it and had some good Japanese food, chinese tonight and decided to stay another night and leave first thing in the am.

We both have a summons to appear in court tomorrow for her h attacking her.  she is BPD as well and I posted it on the legal board.  please read it if you can and let me know your thoughts..

we will be home tomorrow afternoon and then i have to pack like a crazy woman..    love ya friend.. and h is fine with me going. he has a great deal of respect for my christian commitment so thankfully he does have that going for him and is taking care of things til tomorrow. i'm sure i'll pay for it by finding it kinda messy.. he tries but there's just too many animals for him to stay on top of..   its my world.. he's just holdin it up..

ttyl

[1bravegirl]

Hey At_bay,

forgot to tell you that Yogi is back in a big way. since i've been gone he's had H up every night.  the night I left he came all night and I drove here on 4 hours sleep and still can't sleep tonight!  amazing.

but i am ready to leave yogi and the walton mountain life behind at this point!

l return tomorrow and have been picking up boxes weekly..  I love walmarts big boxes I have about 30 boxes now all sizes but wil call ahead at a few places to get more.  Got the tape and markers and need more wrapping paper.

We are moving like 5 miles away so it should be easy.

I have about 200 pavers and flagstone and river rock and gravel that I bought for my yard so dogs wouldn't be in dirt and i'm bringin most of that. I need it over there in there backyard.

there is some there but it needs a touch up.  and i have tons of plants to bring as well.
So that will keep me busy while I have to wait for the gohead to move in after all repairs are done on the 29th.

In the meantime we just pack pack pack and i'll be bringin over the yard stuff.  i can probably bring plants too since I need to keep watering the lawn daily. the last folks had a garage sale and put plastic on the lawn and killed a huge spot right on my pretty lawn in my pretty front yard. my private, secluded yard with a big yellow spot now.
so i'm working on that so i might as well have the plants there if i have time.

one less thing to bring over right?    H is packing his behind off this weekend and pulled down the rickety fence we just put in and also got our old rug out for our new rug to be installed.. got a killer deal on that one boy..  its a rental but for under 500 bucks for a plush stain master with a extra thick pad in 2 huge rooms.. with free installation we are all.. yes! go for it! where do we sign.

I'm so excited to move off of walton mountain. its served its purpose, i am all countried out.. lyme disease strickin from hiking up there; poison oak every other month..  its just hard livin.. this is more pavement and still very serene on the edge of the canyon with stunning views.. and no more bear waking us up every single night!

hes been back every night this week..  that is oldnow. it was exciting now its not fun anymore..  Now I need sleepy!   

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[At_Bay]

Hey, thanks for the update! Yogi and his nightly visits are horrible, and that will be a health benefit. Glad the place is less rustic and you still have nice surroundings to enjoy.

The carpet sounds great and I love thick pads although I didn't think I would. Some more insulating for a cold floor in winter, too.

Packing is a pain, but you have help this time so maybe your poor hands and nails are not painful. If not, look for leather gloves or good thick ones.

Know you are busy, so will keep this short. The new place sounds nice -- and I know about yellow grass in Texas with this heat as our neighbors are seeing that in their yards. We're lucky so far.

Good night.

[1bravegirl]

Thanks At_Bay for the reminders of how hard my last move was..  no nails for a month and bruised from head to toe. Remember that:  Migraine the day I moved in and was OUT OF COMMISSION for quite some time.  I think about a month.

so this time will be much better.  As hard as it may still be, I can't imagine it being anywhere remotely close to resembling that Beverly Hillbilly move.. Or should I say..  City girl moving to the hills looking like granny and jed and ellie may and jethro bodeen!

anywho..

Just got home since Friday!  got up at 5am and only got 4 hours of sleep.  got all the way to the courthouse and of course my sisters H's case was cancelled!@  But of course!

so at least I got home early and H did tons!
I am so pleased with what he was able to accomplish.  He must have had some assistance from our worker friend that helps us a lot.

The pavers are moved and most of the wood and that rickety fence is gone.   I have more rock to move/ ie river rock and my 200 bucks of gravel...  and of course all our packing.

But the landlord said we can move in our stuff immediately so yay for that.  I can't wait to get our carpet in.  H is there now with the measuring team.

so all and all it went really good.  Sis and I had a disagreement on th eway home.  remember she's BPD too and has been dx several times.

so its a good thing I have the experience from H to deal with her dysregulated moods from lack of sleep or whatever.. but it was a bit straining today on our way home.  
I'm wondering if she is nervous about me being at her congregation ALL the time.   I think i'm overthinking this but you know how sisters can be..  
Thats why we had 3 days of learning how to apply patience, love and kindness and yeilding to ones in disagreements.  
She was in a mood today and I felt a bit attacked.

Then she said she felt she couldn't even be herself around me since I'm so bossy and still treat her like my little sister.

I have had to be responsible for everyone in my family til just recently.  My dad took care of her and I took care of my dad and kept her at bay so she couldn't manipulate my dad more.

that was before she was a Christian so I told her it is going to take time to build a new healthy r/s and not fall back into our old way of talking to each other.

I have absolutely no idea she thinks i'm being bossy then when I least expect it she explodes on me about something that happened yesterday.

I asked her if we could have a code word if i'm ever doing anything that is hurting her feelings so I can see my behavior and change it.

SHe takes that is me asking her to be the one to make the changes that are needed.  I can't win here..  I know we are both tired and she is so stressed about her H in Jail for DV and her and I both summoned to testify but gooooo--lllleeeee!   I am trying to keep the communication lines open so we can understand each other and every time I feel her attitude change some due to a way I said something I immediately address it and say.
"ya know sis, I felt that what I said may have offended you and I didn't mean to do that at all.  If I EVER say or do anything that hurts your feelings please let me know then and there so I can change it and see how I am responding because I cannot tell how it affects you unless you tell me.

She says i've always treated her that way and she's no punk kid anymore and why should she be the one to always point things out, I should know how i act and ive been a Christian long enough to know better etc etc.. and then she said she can't even be herself around me..  that was hurtful to me to hear that.
So I said if she tried to help me see when I do something I am asking her so I can change it.    It just made her more mad.

How should I address this.  When we got in the car today at the Hotel I wanted to let her know that I was praying about us being able to have better communication and she had been holding something in from earlier this morning that I knew nothing about and I opened the floodgates.

We were packing and I said, "if you finish before I do, can you start packing up the car some?" she said "Sure, no prob"  then we both got ready and I was about to walk out the door and she said.  
"im getting the push cart for our stuff..(we had put most of our stuff in the night before and could of carried the remainder.)  so I said..
No sis,  we don't need that..  we can handle this..  

I didn't say it like.. NO!  don't do that!   I just said it like "Hey  NO sis we got this."  and in the car she said I was telling her what to do and she wanted to get that cart so why did I have to say that.

I said.  "If ya felt that way just tell me, I would of said.. OK?  no problem..   it wouldn't of mattered if I knew you really wanted it.   and she said then that I'm PUSHY and BOSSY and rude to her and I was really surprised.  I know she's BPD and she is flared up emotionally bigtime but how can I keep my safe distance from this and learn to connect better with her if we have incidents such as this?

Her and I hugged and she said she would be over tomorrow to help me pack but there is that underlying unsettling feeling here that I always try to resolve as soon as I can but it is backfiring for some reason.  Usually wwe are fine so i know its all the pressure but i still have to think about this as well since I have not one but two loved ones with BPD and this is trying at times..   I can't do anything right..  and I know thats not true.
and she pulled out the Your an only child, spoiled that the world revolved around..     harsh huh?

I was raiised by my mom, her only child and was very pampered and she had a very hard life in drugs and in and out of prison and I get attacked for that.   I didn't make the rules..  we got the hand we were dealt, and it was no bed of roses for me either.  I told her that but she thinks NOONE has made mor changes or had to overcome more than her since I had it so good.  

I'm realizing we don't even really know each other that well. I have been caring for our dad and my mom for the last 5 yrs and then my marriage while she ran the streets doing drugs until 2 yrs ago when she turned her life around and I'm so grateful to God she is here and I have her now but how do I help her understand i'm trying here without making it worse..    I want to be so close to her. I hope its possible.

any suggestions. I know its off the topic but we will be working on my house all month and next month so its important!
thanks friends.. so so much..  love 1bg

[artman.1]

1BG,
     You seem to be experiencing what I call the language gap between our normal language and the BPD special language centered around emotional excitement.  Sometimes, a senior person on this website has enlightened me as to just how the BPD hears something we innocently said.  I am not to the point that I can predict what the BPD hears yet, but I do believe, if I can get there, I will be able to greatly improve our relationship.  I can see where she could have received your answers, that were so innocent, as something very hurtful.  Especially if she is already pre-sinsitized to having her feelings hurt.  So she herd something entirely different from what you said.  I wish I could really understand this, but it takes someone with a lot more mental evaluation experience than I have.  I am getting better at this, as sometimes I catch myself, and rather than saying what i want to say, I just stop, and let her fill it in for herself.  We don't have to always have the last word, and as you said, how could having the cart hurt.

Art

[artman.1]

1BG,
     I am starting to see the real advantage of being Mindfull.  At first I really didn't understand what the authors ment by mindfullness.  In Stop Walking on Eggshells, there is a whole section on mindfullness.  I am starting to see a little clearly what she ment here.  You seem so well educated with the BPD behaviors, that I'm sure that you are a lot farther along than I am with this.  Maybe it just cought you off guard as you were communicating with your sister.
     Another thing, is I am starting to see why my UBPDW is complaining about me controlling nature.  I am not controlling, but she hears it that way because I was not as mindfull as I should have been.

Art

[1bravegirl]

Exactly Art!

And the more we do understand this, the happier our own lives will be.  I know we don't mean to hurt them or control them. We want to help them be happy and sometimes it is so off target and we are scratching our heads going.. "wha happen..   ? ? "  and it is baffling.

But we know that their feelings are exactly that.. their feelings and they are just as real as ours are and i'm pretty sensitive where she's concerned too. She is one of the few people on this earth that can still make me cry.  almost did today but didnt go there.

So yes,  i am going to read up on my language info and my wonderful BPD books and keep reminding myself about how they view things and how I can make things easier.  Its just not a natural thing for us so for myself, I definitely need reminders! bigtime.

take care friend..   and we'll get there..  Rome, remember..

[1bravegirl]

Had a wonderful talk with my T tonight and was able to discuss in detail the communication issue I have with my sister.  SHe was very supportive and helped me to implement the proper tools and feel much better about myself and the situation.

I talked to sis tonight and things are fine at this point.  My T did remind me just as with H that things sometimes are just out of our ability to keep peaceful or control.  We can do our part and then we have to let go.

I am learning to do that but its a process. She said she is very proud of the progress I have made and feels within my heart that I have my boundaries very well established.  That made me feel very good.

So overall the day was well.  Went to my new house and got my plants there in the front and back and it looks lovely!  so pretty, and i'm so excited to just be there!
so i just tutored sis with some of her homework for college and she finished her 1000 word report that was due tonight. It felt good to help and she will come and help me tomorrow.  So kinda like H, things blow over pretty quick now with her also.  They have both made progress in that respect so thank goodness for that!

tomorrow we really get busy with some serious packing and our rug should be put in within a few days... things are rolling right along!

[At_Bay]

You are on your way, and I like the way the therapist talks.

I'm so glad you found a place you like. The new carpet in living area will look so good. Hope there are lots of things you like about your new place.

Your sister sounds like she is on the road to recovery. Nice that is not a worry on top of moving. Good luck with all those boxes and remember to do what I did with my big red Christmas bag--everything crucial goes into it like remote control to TV, toothbrush, meds and I say that from experience. Moving is something else, but you'll not be in such heat this time and your family is there.

Wishing you all the best.

[1bravegirl]

Thanks friend,

You're so right.. it was record heat last year and almost killed me!  And this week its mid and low 80's .. yay! 
So I had another busy day at the house and brought more boxes over there and cleaned more of the yard and really prettied it up and I can't wait to just be there.

H is going to do some touch up stuff tomorrow and then the rug should be installed and then we can move big stuff and get er done!
I still need to change my address and all that fun stuff.

I'm in need of a little rest I know but its so hard not to be over there.  I do have lots I love about the house.. the privacy, the front yard is the nicest..

backyard needs some leveling and all my pavers and gravel in place but once i'm done, girl.. it will be so nice.

theres so much potential. I can't believe the last couple didn't see the need to keep it more pretty.. oh well.. we do..

H is very motivated as well which is the first time i've seen this since hes been back.  That makes me feel good.

My dogs and I took a long hike today and then I did a lot of work there so i''m burnt out bigtime.

And tomorrow and Thurs I work all day long!  so i'll be pretty much Out of Commision for a while..  My sister will help us maybe friday if i need her but she's available fri thru sun if necessary..

so its going.  we'll be fine. I just have to remember to do the basic stuff like address change with everyone and all that good stuff.. anything else you can think of let me know.
lovin ya..  1bg

[Salut]

Take a little time to say good bye to your current house.    I haven't yet gone back through all your posts, but I sounds like you went through a lot there and have lots of powerful memories.

I know there isn't much time or room for it, but maybe you deserve a few moments to acknowledge you, your life, and what is has meant to you in the last year.  You have a lot to be proud of.  

[livejim56]

IBG- I thought the move was to ge t away from all you have been through

[C12P21]

Sounds like it is all coming together for you, 1BG. Hope you can find the time to pitch a blanket in the yard, snooze in the sunlight (or shade) and enjoy those flowers.
Glad you and Sis are coming to some sort of understanding, it can be draining to try to keep those communication lines open when someone is new to "self awareness" as your Sis.
Take care of yourself..
C

[1bravegirl]

Thank you Salut for acknowledging that aspect of this.  I have been trying to do just that.

This place has been a huge growing arena for myself and my ability to trust in my inner self talk and have faith that I do know who I am and that person is ok.

I would of never had the opportunity to grow as I did if not for this place in the woods.   I have some awesome stories of bears, and deers in my driveway, big bucks@! and all kinds of wildlife everywhere.  and I will always have the fondest memories of being here with me myself and I and of course my animals.

I truly was very content to be by myself.. for the first time EVER I wasn't lonely ONE BIT! and enjoyed, savored every day..  woke up for a new adventure to be had.   And now i'm more balanced in my thinking but still looking for the enjoyment of my day and what adventure I can find..  It may be a little different but my excitement for life isn't going anywhere!  May have gotten a little side tracked with reality of moving and change with my BPDh and what that brings but overall, i'm not letting go of my dreams for anything!

My feelings are very hopeful for ths move, now that I am more firm in what I know I can and cannot live with, this should be a good move and give me more room for further growth however it plays out.

I savored my walk tonight under the galaxy of stars..  so amazing..  so im trying to see my way to the end here..  in sheer appreciation for all this has given me.

Jim, you're right, i'm leaving the chaos behind and if H isn't able to keep his health together and it starts to impede on my mental state then i'll have to find my way alone again, and I'm not afraid one single bit.  It has to be that way.. no question about it.  Its a done deal.  I'm in need of peace and a safe mental state..

C,  thank you mama... I am in work mode for at least a few more weeks but as soon as I can, girl... I am on that lawn with a book so fast!  sis is holding her own..  and so am I...  hope your weekend was great..

[1bravegirl]

H is beyond tired and dysregulated to put it mildly..  im out of my mind with exaustion myself but I aint yellin at him.

I'm irritated but realize there is no talking this late into the evening.. I'm up at 6 today and worked 10 hours and I refuse to allow him to affect my beautiful day. 

I am doing very well at work and getting along great with everyone..  Went to my Christian meeting as well after that long day and got an additional shot in the arm and he's very tired, (granted) but upset cuz the dogs aren't in their bed soon enough so HE can go to sleep. 
I haven't seen them all day and I know its 11:30 but he is all about him and when he's tired.
Like i'm not tired?
Why, because they barked a few times so he got upset since they are still in the house. 

I just said 'again' that I'm going to be myself and not be affected by his rude way of expressing himself.

I am not allowing this evening to interfere with my goals of moving into a nice home with a happy outcome.    I'm so sleepy..  will review things in the am.. night all

[At_Bay]

Sounds like you are on your way, and upsets around moving is the norm when there are two ways to do something: yours and mine. Should settle down with rewards of yard, room, at the new place

I like what you said about his not changing your beautiful day. It is a way we can think that is lost on my H. I told him once that I wished he could just appreciate what we have and this is a nice place to be, and he looked bewildered since he sees negatives, so I must also. I told him my feeling good or like I've accomplished something is not dependent on his mood that day. He's sighing his head off like some adolescent. My attention's been focused on my aunt who had a stroke and a one-car accident and is in the hospital. All my time on the phone has triggered him I guess.

I love hearing about how you've enjoyed your place in the woods under the stars.

[1bravegirl]

Hey At_Bay,

So so sorry to hear about your Aunt and her stroke.  I know how hard that can be on our heart and when dealing with a dysregulated BPDh on top of our own emotions, its a killer.
Please know I am thinking of you..  How bad was the stroke? if you care to elaborate, or you can PM me..

I am so tired today.  It all hit me and its 100 almost this entire weekend thru Monday. Ya can't be serious...  well there goes my packing plans..  I'm a wimp and have a blister on my lip from stress too so can't even go in the sun, let alone be all worked up and stressed and sweating like a pig.. no way..

so today H got some stuff over there and I packed while he was gone and went there as well. Got the plants all watered and now I'm in bed.  I have to rest up and feel normal. whatever that is..

but tomorrow i'm up super early so I can get something accomplished.   I also can do late evenings but not mid day or before 7..  this should be interesting.. 

I'm thinkin of ya friend..  love 1bg   ps  and yes, they can be so negative and not see the blessings right before their eyes..  H was fine this am but it still is getting to me, just seeing him off kilter /usually at night when he's really tired. but we shall keep our positivity together and within us! right friend?  right! 
love ya!

[C12P21]

Hope you can cool down and get some much deserved rest. Sounds like both you and J=H are tired and worn out. The cool thing is you aren't going into the abyss of argument, just acceptance and taking care of self. You rock.
Good night, 1BG and hope you sleep well.
C

[1bravegirl]

Hya C..

You are right again.. You're so smart..  we did calm it down and just go back into work mode..  finally got a good nights rest, two nights ago. 

Yogi bear was here all last night so that was tiring.. we tried to get a glimpse of him since H hasn't seen him yet but he didn't show himself.   he only hangs out in the yard for me... Its a bear thing i suppose..   

anywho..   we moved all weekend long and my sister helped a great deal.  we have so much done already.

I got the entire yard here all cleaned up.  everything is transferred there but not in order yet,  front yard is though.. just not the back.

and this yard is a clean slate.   then i washed my truck from being on that trip all weekend.  omgoodness am I a crazy one!

just like clean stuff i guess.  but H is gone today doing a few repairs with the house and i'm still in bed!   enjoying every minute of it!  at 9:06
how was your trip? love ya friend..  we bumped our move date to the 5th..   yikes..     here's hopin!   Hi!

[At_Bay]

Glad to hear you got some rest the other night before Yogi spent the night there. Wish the weather conditions were better for you and h during the day and you staying inside more sounds good. Just getting everything there will be great.

You asked about my aunt, and she is really lucky with just a couple cuts from the accident, no other car was involved and property damage was a brick mail box her insurance will replace for her neighbor. Her right hand is weak, but she can walk fine and resumed talking normally after only saying numbers the day of her stroke. She told us she ate not a hot dog for lunch, the other one, and we guessed a hamburger and then she continued. She's in rehab now, but hasn't been told yet she cannot drive again. She called her daughter and asked if she'd been in an accident because her pastor said she had been! This month she turned 88 yrs old and cannot live alone anymore either. Neighbor knows a caregiver who lost a client and is available.

Time moves on ready or not. Enjoy yourself, and I think you will away from Yogi and having a great place for your dogs to run and play. Sending good thoughts your way also as you negotiate the move. Things will be the way you want before you know it.