10) Belief that they have seen the light.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When a BPD relationship is in its final throes or has recently ended you can feel you are in limbo. Both you and your ex may be trying to detach and yet neither of you has a clear sense of direction.

Reminding ourselves on a regular basis of the things that can keep us connected is an important step on the road to recovery for us. Each time I sense I am uncertain of myself or that I am losing my way I look at this resource and review then 10 beliefs that can keep you stuck. This simple action when it becomes a habit can keep us on the path that leads to healing, detachment and ultimately peace and happiness.
  

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder


10) Belief that they have seen the light.  [Read original text here]

"Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of breakups and make-ups – disengaging is often a process, not an event.

However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a “BPD” relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up.

Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies.

Make no mistake about what is happening. Don’t be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive breakup increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen."

The article makes a good point. We may have tried to fix the relationship, tried persuasion, logic and even coercion. Finally we realise the inevitable, we have no choice but to let them go. If we were rejected, as so many of us are, this choice may have been taken from us.

The intense connection that you felt during the honeymoon phase of your relationship endures. Detachment is difficult not just for us nons but also for our partner. They may have depended on you for support, comfort, advice, sex and shelter. You may both have become enmeshed. This can be strange time where boundaries are fluid and ill defined, you are each uncertain if you are friends or foe, still unsure about staying or leaving. Are you independent, dependant or still co-dependent? You begin grieving, healing and starting the process of detaching.

There is a lull in the storm the conflict has ended, the power struggle between you ceases. You begin to distance yourselves as you prepare to separate.

At this time your partner may suddenly change. With the hostilities at an end, they become warm and friendly; you talk freely and openly again reminiscing about what was so good about your relationship. They tell you they never saw the relationship ending. That you were their” best friend”. Suddenly out of the blue it feels like the clock has been turned back to when you first met,  a time when your felt nothing but love for each other.

You may think to yourself everything is back to normal. Perhaps you have overcome your relationship setback. You may hold hands, hug each other, and may even sleep together "one last time". Things feel perfect again. You each give comfort to the other which in turn brings comfort. Finally you believe your partner has seen the light.

Sadly this phase never lasts. True reconciliation never occurs. Your partner needed to feel you comfort them.
This “recycling” may have happened once, twice or many times before. Last time you got hurt, this time you tell yourself “it feels different, it feels real”.  But just as you get close again your partner panics, the projections, the blaming and the raging intensify.   Suddenly you are rejected and painted black once more but this time with much more ferocity. Each time you go through this painful recycling process the more savage the push and pull dynamic.  Each time the level of dysfunction increases to a point were almost anything could happen.

I hated this phase and yet we stayed here for a long while because of the uncertainty of where it would lead. Looking back I see how unhealthy it was. Being asked to rescue and then being rejected once more. Being blamed and then asked to comfort.  We both knew that the next phase would be even more painful. Separation, divorce and what that would mean to our children.  

One last word of caution: The patterns of behaviour exhibited by a person with BPD become more extreme as the emotional tensions intensify. At this stage there are no "rules". Your partner can just turn in an instant. To them the projections are their reality.

One minute you might be told "let’s sort things out amicably" and "let’s be friends for the sake of the children". Then shortly afterward the police could call to your door because your partner made false claims against you. This time the rejection is final. For you trust and all respect is gone.  

For some your partner may respond differently. Rather than facing renewed aggression you may be treated with passiveness, placed in isolation, given the silent treatment once more.  Perhaps your partner ended this recycling phase by cheating on you then quietly or not so quietly disappearing.
Some of us need to have this experience more than once (and some several times) before the lesson is learnt. We realised that we were fooled. In retrospect the truth is a little clearer than before.  Your partner never really “saw the light”. Their and your need to recycle is based on the pain of acute loneliness and profound insecurity. This and their fear of abandonment, inner emptiness, need for validation, need to prove that they are “a good person”.

Combined with emotional immaturity and sometimes the need to control and manipulate we have the ingredients of a deadly cocktail which seduces you, intoxicates you then leaves you with the worst hangover you could ever imagine. You wake up shell shocked, wondering what exactly you have been through and trying to put yourself back together.

More information
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[MindfulJavaJoe]

When a BPD relationship is in its final throes or has recently ended you can feel you are in limbo. Both you and your ex may be trying to detach and yet neither of you has a clear sense of direction.

Reminding ourselves on a regular basis of the things that can keep us connected is an important step on the road to recovery for us. Each time I sense I am uncertain of myself or that I am losing my way I look at this resource and review then 10 beliefs that can keep you stuck. This simple action when it becomes a habit can keep us on the path that leads to healing, detachment and ultimately peace and happiness.
  

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder


10) Belief that they have seen the light.  [Read original text here]

"Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of breakups and make-ups – disengaging is often a process, not an event.

However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a “BPD” relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up.

Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies.

Make no mistake about what is happening. Don’t be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive breakup increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen."

The article makes a good point. We may have tried to fix the relationship, tried persuasion, logic and even coercion. Finally we realise the inevitable, we have no choice but to let them go. If we were rejected, as so many of us are, this choice may have been taken from us.

The intense connection that you felt during the honeymoon phase of your relationship endures. Detachment is difficult not just for us nons but also for our partner. They may have depended on you for support, comfort, advice, sex and shelter. You may both have become enmeshed. This can be strange time where boundaries are fluid and ill defined, you are each uncertain if you are friends or foe, still unsure about staying or leaving. Are you independent, dependant or still co-dependent? You begin grieving, healing and starting the process of detaching.

There is a lull in the storm the conflict has ended, the power struggle between you ceases. You begin to distance yourselves as you prepare to separate.

At this time your partner may suddenly change. With the hostilities at an end, they become warm and friendly; you talk freely and openly again reminiscing about what was so good about your relationship. They tell you they never saw the relationship ending. That you were their” best friend”. Suddenly out of the blue it feels like the clock has been turned back to when you first met,  a time when your felt nothing but love for each other.

You may think to yourself everything is back to normal. Perhaps you have overcome your relationship setback. You may hold hands, hug each other, and may even sleep together "one last time". Things feel perfect again. You each give comfort to the other which in turn brings comfort. Finally you believe your partner has seen the light.

Sadly this phase never lasts. True reconciliation never occurs. Your partner needed to feel you comfort them.
This “recycling” may have happened once, twice or many times before. Last time you got hurt, this time you tell yourself “it feels different, it feels real”.  But just as you get close again your partner panics, the projections, the blaming and the raging intensify.   Suddenly you are rejected and painted black once more but this time with much more ferocity. Each time you go through this painful recycling process the more savage the push and pull dynamic.  Each time the level of dysfunction increases to a point were almost anything could happen.

I hated this phase and yet we stayed here for a long while because of the uncertainty of where it would lead. Looking back I see how unhealthy it was. Being asked to rescue and then being rejected once more. Being blamed and then asked to comfort.  We both knew that the next phase would be even more painful. Separation, divorce and what that would mean to our children.  

One last word of caution: The patterns of behaviour exhibited by a person with BPD become more extreme as the emotional tensions intensify. At this stage there are no "rules". Your partner can just turn in an instant. To them the projections are their reality.

One minute you might be told "let’s sort things out amicably" and "let’s be friends for the sake of the children". Then shortly afterward the police could call to your door because your partner made false claims against you. This time the rejection is final. For you trust and all respect is gone.  

For some your partner may respond differently. Rather than facing renewed aggression you may be treated with passiveness, placed in isolation, given the silent treatment once more.  Perhaps your partner ended this recycling phase by cheating on you then quietly or not so quietly disappearing.
Some of us need to have this experience more than once (and some several times) before the lesson is learnt. We realised that we were fooled. In retrospect the truth is a little clearer than before.  Your partner never really “saw the light”. Their and your need to recycle is based on the pain of acute loneliness and profound insecurity. This and their fear of abandonment, inner emptiness, need for validation, need to prove that they are “a good person”.

Combined with emotional immaturity and sometimes the need to control and manipulate we have the ingredients of a deadly cocktail which seduces you, intoxicates you then leaves you with the worst hangover you could ever imagine. You wake up shell shocked, wondering what exactly you have been through and trying to put yourself back together.

More information
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[InEarPeace]

This is a good topic, deserves more discussion.

The article makes a good point. We may have tried to fix the relationship, tried persuasion, logic and even coercion. Finally we realise the inevitable, we have no choice but to let them go. If we were rejected, as so many of us are, this choice may have been taken from us.

I am grateful she made the choice.  I don't think I was strong enough at the time to do it.

The intense connection that you felt during the honeymoon phase of your relationship endures. Detachment is difficult not just for us nons but also for our partner. They may have depended on you for support, comfort, advice, sex and shelter. You may both have become enmeshed. This can be strange time where boundaries are fluid and ill defined, you are each uncertain if you are friends or foe, still unsure about staying or leaving. Are you independent, dependant or still co-dependent? You begin grieving, healing and starting the process of detaching.

There is a lull in the storm the conflict has ended, the power struggle between you ceases. You begin to distance yourselves as you prepare to separate.

At this time your partner may suddenly change. With the hostilities at an end, they become warm and friendly; you talk freely and openly again reminiscing about what was so good about your relationship. They tell you they never saw the relationship ending. That you were their” best friend”. Suddenly out of the blue it feels like the clock has been turned back to when you first met,  a time when your felt nothing but love for each other.

I remember going through this in 2006 after I caught her in the 1st affair.  We moved her out to an apartment at which point we started talking opening about things.  Within 2 days she had moved back in and we decided we were going to work it out.  It really felt like we were starting over.  This time we were going to make it work and we were both going to be better. (Moved her stuff back in 3 weeks later, I remember how strange it felt doing the moving out and back in within weeks of each other.  Wish I would have explored that feeling more and saw that pattern for what it was.)

Sadly this phase never lasts. True reconciliation never occurs. Your partner needed to feel you comfort them.
This “recycling” may have happened once, twice or many times before. Last time you got hurt, this time you tell yourself “it feels different, it feels real”.  But just as you get close again your partner panics, the projections, the blaming and the raging intensify.   Suddenly you are rejected and painted black once more but this time with much more ferocity. Each time you go through this painful recycling process the more savage the push and pull dynamic.  Each time the level of dysfunction increases to a point were almost anything could happen.

We fluctuated so much like this over the past 5 years that I long lost count.  Can't tell you how many times she "got offended" by my family and stopped talking to them and then painted me black because I always take their side for trying to have a reasonable conversation about what we could do to resolve the issue. Each year it was harder and harder to get her to come to family functions.  I would get me and the kids ready and then she would announce that she didn't want to go (she said she wanted to go an hour before?) and I would try to convince her to come for 30-60 minutes until she gave up and came or I gave up and left her home.

Your partner never really “saw the light”. Their and your need to recycle is based on the pain of acute loneliness and profound insecurity. This and their fear of abandonment, inner emptiness, need for validation, need to prove that they are “a good person”.

I agree that I wouldn't have taken her back so many times if I wasn't so insecure.  I was worried that I would never find another one like her (what a blessing that would be!) or that I could never be happy without her.  All the lies I agreed to kept me coming back to her.  I feel much more secure in myself now.  I am ok being without her or anyone else.  I look forward to a relationship in the future but I will not allow my happiness to be determined by it any longer. Finding myself has been key to getting peace back again.  No more recycling!

Combined with emotional immaturity and sometimes the need to control and manipulate we have the ingredients of a deadly cocktail which seduces you, intoxicates you then leaves you with the worst hangover you could ever imagine. You wake up shell shocked, wondering what exactly you have been through and trying to put yourself back together.

This is one reason I thought I was in the wrong somehow.  I was so confused by the actions I felt I must be doing something wrong here.  I was spun in so many circles I couldn't see straight anymore. NC for me was finally where I stopped the dizziness and was able to start seeing straight and figure out what happened.

[gettingoverit]

My ex and I broke up five times in 6.5 years We recycled every spring. Every spring she would tell me how unhappy she was, and how she could not get those feelings she had for me back...every spring. To hear that every year after I had tried so hard to make her happy and give her everything she wanted was so hard on me. I always took it personally, like I had done something wrong, like it was my fault that things between us were off. After we would split and hook back up again, we would always talk about the things we would do differently to make it work. After these long conversations I always felt like she really "had seen the light". Yet one year later, there we were again breaking up because she was "unhappy and could not get those feelings back for me". Finally this last time there was no more recycling because she had "soulmate" #4 waiting in the wings. I guess she did see the light after all, she knew it would never work between us and left. Unfortunately I am the one who is left behind trying to pick up the pieces of my heart, dignity, self esteem, and soul. Looks like she won this one.

[Annaleigh]

Is the going through the end part harder than dealing with the after its all over part?

I know I have to end it, and then I get all magical thinking because of the panic and anxiety.  And then reality hits.  This is really happening.  And they force you to be the one to end it.  Some of you lost your partner before you made the break, but I bet you it was your realization of things that made them bolt.

If H served me tomorrow with papers, man that would hurt but it would make things easier.  Ugh, this just sucks.   

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[backontop]

Never thought I would write this but- yup... they don't change, even after ALL the promises to do so.   After putting myself back together and moving on for the 10th time in two years- he shows up after 11 days of no contact, begging, crying and pleading "you're the only friend I've ever had", I let him back in, but it was different.   After spending the night, he disappears- and seven days later a friend told me he's been with someone else since!    Parading her around work- where he met me.  THANK GOD I don't work there anymore !  Haven't heard from him in a month because he has found another victim.    I'm FINALLY free.    The only thing I could think was after two years of taking him back because I was afraid he'd kill himself- he's fine and cozied up next to someone else in ONE WEEK.    I could have bagged this nightmare up A LONG TIME AGO!  He has no reason to change- he will always find another unsuspecting fool to "make everything better".   Don't waste your time

[sea5045]

This is an awesome post. I have alot of the characteristics, I know I broke NC because I needed to believe I was a good person and when I told her I would let it go I also told her she was my best friend and I missed that, but in a way it was my first time saying goodbye when I said if we don't trust each other it is not a good basis for a friend ship. 

I am now 2 weeks no contact and have some self-respect back. I am heading for a month now.
thanks for your interpretation Java Joe.

[g00dness]

"Some of you lost your partner before you made the break, but I bet you it was your realization of things that made them bolt."

Right on.

I think I just expedited the process when something finally happened that I refused to let slide without an apology. It was finally him that broke it off less than two weeks after a seemingly heartfelt apology and a reminder that, "He didn't just love, he was in love with me." Right...for that minute anyway. But, I did somewhat break my normal routine of backtracking and eggshell walking...and I'm thankful for that.

I went to sleep so many night telling myself that, if I wanted to, I could end this. I don't know if I could have. And now I've got my out and his 36yr old self has got a new 20yr old party/sex/love-of-his-life/we're-getting-married-mate. It still hurts like hell, but I guess we just gotta run with it and try our best not to look back. The last time I saw him we kissed and said I love you...I know I have to prep myself for whenever I run into him...this is a small town and it's gonna happen, mostly likely while he's with the new host. God help her.

[Annaleigh]

"Some of you lost your partner before you made the break, but I bet you it was your realization of things that made them bolt."

Right on.

I think I just expedited the process when something finally happened that I refused to let slide without an apology. It was finally him that broke it off less than two weeks after a seemingly heartfelt apology and a reminder that, "He didn't just love, he was in love with me." Right...for that minute anyway. But, I did somewhat break my normal routine of backtracking and eggshell walking...and I'm thankful for that.

I went to sleep so many night telling myself that, if I wanted to, I could end this. I don't know if I could have. And now I've got my out and his 36yr old self has got a new 20yr old party/sex/love-of-his-life/we're-getting-married-mate. It still hurts like hell, but I guess we just gotta run with it and try our best not to look back. The last time I saw him we kissed and said I love you...I know I have to prep myself for whenever I run into him...this is a small town and it's gonna happen, mostly likely while he's with the new host. God help her.

It's like that movie Wizard of Oz, when toto takes off and Dorothy says, he got away!  You got away!  You jumped off the roller coaster of nutz and got away!  The flying monkeys found a new soul to torture and they'll learn the same.  Of course it hurts and you have to respect that.  Now the healing, no more accummulated hurts.  Congratulations!    You got away! YAY!

[SOOOdone]

Light? What light?

I have seen people decide to change and I have seen people remain in denial until their last breath.

We don't know which one we've got on our hands right away. But one thing is for certain:

People do not change unless the consequences of their behaviors affects them. Then MAYBE they try to do something different. If there are no consequences there is no motivation to do anything different in most cases.

Now, the same consequences that motivate a person to change may do nothing for another person.

Then "seeing the light" presumes we know what's best for another person. Obviously we don't want a person to hurt themselves but we all have to go down our own path and we all learn at the pace we are capable. Some of our BPDs would seriously UNRAVEL if they were to do things the rest of us do on a daily basis. Their coping mechanisms are there for a reason, they served a purpose so they could survive. They may still serve a purpose...who knows?

 I think a bigger question is whether WE'VE seen the light or not...?

[Finished]

This explains exactly what I just went through before being thrown away AGAIN! I'm just glad it's over and I don't have to deal with this mess anylonger. Now it can be someone else's issue.

They are truly crazy and it made me act crazy too. I never want to go back to all that again.

[g00dness]

"Some of you lost your partner before you made the break, but I bet you it was your realization of things that made them bolt."

Right on.

I think I just expedited the process when something finally happened that I refused to let slide without an apology. It was finally him that broke it off less than two weeks after a seemingly heartfelt apology and a reminder that, "He didn't just love, he was in love with me." Right...for that minute anyway. But, I did somewhat break my normal routine of backtracking and eggshell walking...and I'm thankful for that.

I went to sleep so many night telling myself that, if I wanted to, I could end this. I don't know if I could have. And now I've got my out and his 36yr old self has got a new 20yr old party/sex/love-of-his-life/we're-getting-married-mate. It still hurts like hell, but I guess we just gotta run with it and try our best not to look back. The last time I saw him we kissed and said I love you...I know I have to prep myself for whenever I run into him...this is a small town and it's gonna happen, mostly likely while he's with the new host. God help her.

It's like that movie Wizard of Oz, when toto takes off and Dorothy says, he got away!  You got away!  You jumped off the roller coaster of nutz and got away!  The flying monkeys found a new soul to torture and they'll learn the same.  Of course it hurts and you have to respect that.  Now the healing, no more accummulated hurts.  Congratulations!    You got away! YAY!

Thank you! I'm workin on it it!

Shew...getting away does seem to be a long process though, huh? ExBPD is now officially married less than a week after breaking up with me, both of them laughingly telling mutual friends how they've been doing pills (oxy) and haven't had a sober day. It makes me sick...and also realized things his ex-wife tried to tell me about pills being the real reason they split up (not her infidelity) was true..and now I guess I know where the missing money went. My exBPD, looking back, mostly only "saw the light" after he'd had a few too many.

Also, because of threatening texts the past two days, I filed and EPO (Emergency Protection Order) against him and they delivered it yesterday. I'm wondering, with him already being in a volatile bp stage what additional things might come or be heightened with him on pills and always drunk?

[diotima]

Yep, I know this is how it happens:

This “recycling” may have happened once, twice or many times before. Last time you got hurt, this time you tell yourself “it feels different, it feels real”.  But just as you get close again your partner panics, the projections, the blaming and the raging intensify.   Suddenly you are rejected and painted black once more but this time with much more ferocity. Each time you go through this painful recycling process the more savage the push and pull dynamic.  Each time the level of dysfunction increases to a point were almost anything could happen.

What I still can't wrap my head around is why, once they split and then we recycle that it has to get worse each time. Given their strange memory system and history rewrites, one would think that things wouldn't necessarily get worse. My last recycle was worse only in the sense that my ex was probably more wonderful than he ever had been and it was the first time he talked of marriage--I couldn't make a commitment right at that instant because of my mother dying... I think I am answering my own question! However, he was also scheming about another woman at the same time. Complicated. Aside from this, each of the major recycles was worse because my trust was gradually eroded. I don't know whether it was worse for him or just the same old thing. I mean I don't know whether he split me worse, if I am being clear.

Diotima

[MindfulJavaJoe]

What I still can't wrap my head around is why, once they split and then we recycle that it has to get worse each time.

Personally after spending 21 years togehter I believe that we had reached a relative plateau of success. I was beging to enjoy lifes riches. Most people would be happy here. I was growing tired of always being asked to look after her, sort that neighbour out, not being included in social events because I was working or mind the kids.

As I became less willing and less able due to emotional, mental and physical exhaustion I became of less use to her. She still had her neediness and I was not longer willing to provide for her needs endlessly at the expense of my own. In some ways I began to assert my own identity (something I had not done for a long time) and I now see the way I communicated this to her may have felt invalidating to her. I knew nithing of BPD.

I became devalued as a consequence, painted black to her friends and family. She found one family memeber who was willing to listen and added fuel to the fire.

She could not bring her-self to break free despite the fact that she no longer valued me. She talked about trial separations & divorce. she could not bring herself to act. I was trying to fix our relationship. At this point her projections grew arms, hairs and legs. I became everything she hated about herself and her parents.

This is when the raging just grew out of control. When I would respond by taking a time-outs rathere than fighting back she decided to get me "out of the house" by whatever means she could. False accusations of DV was her solution to the problem. This and seeing the effects that her raging was having on the children was enough to make me leave.   

Idealised >> unable to keep up the demands of pwBPD >> devalued >> painted black>> rejected

Then there is the "why can't we just be friends".  "I miss you", "you were my best friend", "we were good for each other"
"we had a huge connection"

If you are recyled, since you are still unable to satify their needs or fill their emptiness then you will be rejected even quicker and more vigourously the next time. You no longer fit their "fantacy" of the perfect partner. 

Going back for me is not an option.
I would not go back to such an unhealthy relationship.

MJJ

[oceanblue]

MJJ - this is probably the one thing that kept me in my relationship.  We recycled twice.  Each time before the breakup the fighting became so savage, and my BPD got violent which is apparently my boundary and I forced him to leave, changed the locks and thought I was done with him.  However, then the phone calls and the emails started.  He was so sorry, saw the error of his ways, would never happen again, blah, blah, blah but I bought it - even the second time around.  Each time there was a honeymoon period where I thought things would return to "normal" but in retrospect not much had changed except the raging/abuse was diminished for a period of time only to resurface even more viciously. 

I know now why I recycled.  My parents were emotional children - I was a caretaker for them and a much younger brother for all of my early years.  Being the caretaker is what is subconsciously comfortable to me.  Establishing boundaries and asking for my needs to be met does not come naturally to me.  My mother has some kind of PD I'm fairly sure and I was also used to push/pull and being painted black at times.  So my BPDbf's behavior didn't seem as crazy to me as it would to other people.  I was also freshly divorced when we met and feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed. I'm sure my own low self-esteem was also a factor which my BPDbf further eroded and eventually shattered.  For four years, I felt that if I only did more, met the never-ending demands, that things would be "normal" and certainly when my BPDbf was the center of attention and his needs were being met and exceeded - he could be a nice fellow.  However, like you, as I began to feel exhausted and depleted - he thought perhaps I wasn't validating him like before (without ever knowing how unreasonable his demands were) and the attacks increased at a time I was most unable to defend myself.  I ended up in crisis - depressed and riddled with anxiety attacks, probably PTSD and afraid to move on.  Therapy and this board helped but I still have periods of overwhelming emotions. 

MY BPDbf lives under the same roof.  Our lives are mainly separate but a few roots are still entangled.  I plan to sell my house in the spring market - get one that is more easily affordable in an area where I have always wanted to live and move on.  My BPD still exists in my life but his bag of tricks no longer emotionally effects me the way it used to.  Reading the lessons on this board over and over again has really helped me to understand ME and make myself stronger.  I realize my future happiness does not have anything to do with my BPDbf and it is only a way of getting stuck. 

[diotima]

OB,

So my BPDbf's behavior didn't seem as crazy to me as it would to other people.

I think this is true for me too because of my early family dynamic. I knew my ex was doing some "out there" things, but I also thought that I could understand it and help the r/s. I didn't realize how serious an illness BPD is. My ex tapped into a lot of early childhood stuff for me and so felt "familiar." My mother had N traits...too long to go into all the rest from family members!

MJJ, sounds like your assertion of your own needs changed the dynamic a lot and brought things to a head. I experienced that too the last time we broke up and I wouldn't take him back. I am not as far away from it yet and so still feel a lot of attachment and longing, despite knowing how bad this is. thank god for these boards and my T--my T had to tell me over and over again the same things so it would sink into my head!

Diotima

[SOOOdone]

Why does it get worse each go-around? Well, here's a theory:

You know how if an alcoholic quits for 1,5,10 years, and then goes back to drinking it is like he never quit, that the progressive nature of the disease picks up where it left off and then accelerates how it would have anyway?

I think it's the same thing. When you broke up the relationship had gotten to a certain point. When you got back together you are starting from THAT point forward so it is like a progressive disease, it gets worse if it isn't arrested. We make the mistake to think that because we're "starting again" that it is a clean slate to move forward from. Nope. You know each other and have a history and you can't erase that. Therefore you move from the point you left off at.

My opinion only...

soooodone

[diotima]

SD: sounds like a good theory to me.
Diotima

[MindfulJavaJoe]

MJJ, sounds like your assertion of your own needs changed the dynamic a lot and brought things to a head. I experienced that too the last time we broke up and I wouldn't take him back. I am not as far away from it yet and so still feel a lot of attachment and longing, despite knowing how bad this is. thank god for these boards and my T--my T had to tell me over and over again the same things so it would sink into my head!

I think you are right. I was drawing a line in the sand, setting boundaries around the crazy behaviour and looking after myself for the first time in a long while. In many ways I was fighting for my sanity and my own survival. Putting my needs first for tbe first time in our r/s was new to both of us. I never stopped loving her and always saw us being together.

This provoke a strong negative reaction. Not knowing about BPD and how to communicate using the tools meant much if what I  did or said would have been invalidating to a pwBPD.


She reacted by distancing, painting me black, blaming and raging. I saw her do this to others in our 21 years together but never thought she would turn on me.

[oceanblue]

This provoke a strong negative reaction. Not knowing about BPD and how to communicate using the tools meant much if what I  did or said would have been invalidating to a pwBPD. 

MJJ - I am not sure the tools here would have helped much.  My situation is very different - I lived with my BPDbf for 4+ years.  We were not married and didn't have kids together but he did sort of have a relationship with my youngest D and for that reason I was vested in trying to make it work.  In any case, my conclusion was that I simply don't have my needs met in the relationship, I am sick of being "mom" and I am tired of getting yelled at.  I was simply exhausted, depleted, depressed and overwhelmed never knowing what personality would greet me when I got home.

I am not sure, after a long pattern of marriage that you could have both reasserted your needs in a healthy way AND managed to placate your BPDw - those two things don't seem to go together.  Using the tools here might have made things easier or made them drag out but you would probably hav ended up in the same place.  Don't be too hard on yourself - I am not sure you could have saved things and maintained your own sanity.  I give you tremendous credit for lasting in the relationsip for so long. 

[diotima]

MJJ: how long have you been out of the r/s? I know you have said you would never go back to that situation. How long did it take you to detach? that must have been so hard after all those years.

Even I didn't think my ex would give me up (after 4 years), although to be fair it was me who wouldn't take him back and then of course he got involved with another woman immediately.

Horrible illness.

Diotima